So there you are, humming along, feeling pretty great about your relationship with your pre-teen. He’s happy and engaged with life, the family and you, and things for the most part seem pretty peachy. Then for no apparent reason, he seems headed for the Dark Side. “Anakin!” you call out. “Come back!” But the little boy is gone and a moody, withdrawn adolescent has taken his place.

Before our kids get there we hear about those annoying teenage years and tend to minimize them until suddenly, we are smack dab in the middle of it all. True, some teens seem to sail through those years virtually problem-free and give us little to worry about. But many of them will put us through the ringer on and off for several years. If you’re one of those going through it now, take heart, you’re not alone. Hormones, brain development, and changes in their bodies and what’s expected of them all contribute.

In many ways they are going to have to go through whatever it is that they are going to have to go through. It’s simply their own personal passage through a challenging time in their lives. And the vast majority will come through it fine. But as it’s happening, parents often feel left out (or thrown out) and their feelings get hurt. It’s inevitable.

“How could this be happening to me?” you might wonder. The sunny kid who used to love to hang out with you as you cooked dinner or shuffled through late afternoon paperwork and emails now wants nothing more than to head to his room the minute he gets home from school.

At dinner he may not want to say too much or, on the other hand, he may have plenty to say — mostly about how uninformed, out-of-date, and downright wrong you are about everything! The eyes roll, the head shakes back and forth, the smirks multiply, and you can’t understand any of it.

At this point, some parents are so desperate to reclaim the warm, comfortable relationship they once shared with their child that they decide to do whatever it takes to keep the peace and coax him or her back into their lives. The distance feels too scary and they figure that they better fix things fast or things will never get better.

Then the bribes and the payoffs begin. Does any of this sound familiar?

“Honey, I think you need a car now that you have your license. You’ve got things to do and places to go. So…. we bought you one! Isn’t that great?” (And aren’t we soooo nice? How can you be mean to us when we give you so much?)

“You can decide when to come home, just try not to make it too late.” (See how understanding and laid back we are?)

“Sure, you can take your dinner up to your room if you want. But will you please bring your plate down when you’re finished?” (We get that you need space and privacy. We’re not pushing!)

“Look at this iphone I got for you! Now you can call me or text me all the time.”(Can’t you just think of me as your friend? And can you believe how generous I am?)

“Your grades were really bad but if you promise to try harder we won’t take away any of your privileges.”(We know you must be upset about this and we don’t want to stress you more. Plus, we remember how boring school was and know how smart you are.)

“Your friend’s mother just called and said that you were smoking pot in her basement. You shouldn’t do that.” (End of story. Kids will be kids, no big deal).

“Yes, you and your friends can have some beer upstairs but take it easy and don’t let anyone drive.” (Can you believe how cool we are? I’ll bet your friends’ parents aren’t this hip).

Other parents decide to meet fire with fire and begin to withdraw themselves. “Two can play at this game,” they might think. “If he isn’t going to talk to me, then I’m not going to talk to him, either.” Sometimes these parents end up regressing to adolescents themselves and spend a good part of the day fighting with their kid like he’s a sibling. Then things escalate and can get very ugly, very fast.

For some kids, things can get seriously off track during the adolescent years.** And when that happens, most parents will try hard to help their child sort things out. But if he remains stubbornly uncooperative, many parents will feel like throwing in the towel. “Fine!” they might say. “You’re so smart, you figure it out. I’m done!”

I totally understand how hard this stage can be. I’ve got three kids. I’ve been there. I know that those teenagers can drive you to the brink and leave you there at times. But before you decide to write him off, I want you to consider a couple of things that may help you hang on for a while longer:

1. Don’t take their attitude and unkind words personally. This is a big one. It’s very difficult to not be hurt at times by the things they say. But you have to remember that they know you incredibly well and they know every single one of your buttons. Often when they get all up in your grill, they are just trying to get a reaction and they are really, really good at it! Understand though, that their job is to individuate and separate from you and it’s hard on them, too. Bad behavior, unfortunately, is one of the ways they struggle to do this. So keep your cool and don’t take the bait.

Think of it this way — it’s an opportunity for you to grow into a new stage of maturity yourself, one that features patience, understanding and calm. And don’t forget, this stuff goes on in all families all over the world and has for generations on end. It’s really not about you. It is a developmental stage which means it’s normal, as normal as your two year old saying “No” to anything and everything.

2. Stay in the parental role. Sure they often seem to know what they are doing and they go to great lengths to convince you that they do. Don’t believe it for a moment. They have one foot in the adult world and one foot in the kid world. They may look like adults and sometimes sound like adults but between you and me, they are acting the part more than anything.

My son, for example, had almost convinced me that he had it all under control when it came time to fly home after his first semester at college. When I reminded him to make sure that his flight was still scheduled and on time the night before, he became downright incensed. “Mom! I’m not a baby! Geez, give me a break!” So I backed off. But the next day, on the way to the airport, he called his sister in a panic and asked her to check which airlines he was flying on. He had forgotten and was too embarrassed to call me. And this is a smart, capable 19 year-old. Later we all had a good laugh but it only proves my point.

Remember, they still need structure, rules, expectations, chores, and all that other good stuff. They are not fully cooked yet. So educate yourself on adolescence. Get a good book and find out what is normal and what to expect. And if you find that you are really struggling, get help. The adolescent stage of the family life cycle is the #1 time when people go into therapy. Parents as well as kids. So you see, it’s not just you. And please, resist the urge to hold on to them by becoming a Best Friend Parent or a whiny adolescent yourself. You’re the grown up here and you have to step up, hopefully without the help of illicit drugs or Dr. Phil moving in.

3. Don’t give up. This is the big one. The teenage hellion you see standing before you is not the finished product. He will change a LOT by the time he reaches the early twenties. His brain is going through all sorts of changes and he will get there. Once he does, you’ll get him back. In the meantime, your job is to get him safely through these tumultuous times in one piece. He so needs you to stand by him and be his rock, regardless of how awful he behaves.

And just think, one day he will probably have children of his own. Payback will come and you will be able to watch it in living color. Then when he asks, “Was I ever like this?” you can smile and say, “Gosh, honey, I can’t remember” and then get in your car and go home.

**Some teens may slide into clinical depression and that’s something that needs immediate professional attention. If you have any doubts about whether his behavior is over the line, check it out right away with your pediatrician.

Yesterday I was at Pier I, a home decor store, looking for some sparkly candles to light my table and get me in the mood for the holidays. I love seeing all the gorgeous decorations that get showcased at this time of year. It brings out the child in me and really does fill my heart with a sense of joy and wonder. I know it’s hokey to some but I love to check out the beauty and artistic creativity that is so evident in each year’s new ornaments and displays.

But my fun didn’t last long. Within minutes of arriving I found myself face-to-face with a young mom and her child who was about three. She was harried and hurried and trying hard to pick out some decorations. Her son, being a normal kid trapped in a store with a bunch of people and an endless supply of bright, beautiful Christmassy objects, was not going along with her attempts to make him stand still and just look.

The only words that spilled from her mouth were Dont. Touch. That. Over and over again. I mean, this was really all she was saying. Loudly. And of course, he was having none of it. Who could blame him? Given his age, the situation was nearly impossible for him to manage in the way he was being asked to.

And, unfortunately, the way she chose to deal with his inability to obey her made the whole thing much worse. Instead of cutting her losses and leaving or making an effort to distract or engage him (“Let’s pick out a really pretty one for Grandma. What colors do you think she would like?”) the ineffective Don’t. Touch That. mantra soon morphed into a much louder Stop-that-I-mean-it-I-am-going-to-take-you-out-of-here-in-one-minute-if-you-dont-behave-did-you-hear-what-I just-said chorus accompanied by a lot of pulling, grabbing and scowling. Hysterical crying followed and a full-fledged meltdown (for both) ensued.

I had to walk away, it was that painful. And sad, because I know she didn’t realize how unfair the whole thing was or how she had set them both up to fail. Or how these early Christmas memories can contribute to a general sense of unease about the season when that child grows up. The specific memory may be forgotten but the general bad feeling may remain. So much stress! No wonder so many people hate the holidays.

It was a disaster and my heart went out to both of them. Such an unnecessary mess that could have (should have) been avoided or, at the very least, minimized had this mom understood a little more about what she could reasonably expect from a three-year-old and worked from there. Yes, of course she should be able to go out and shop and dawdle a bit over the ornaments if she wants to.  But she cannot expect a young child to have the patience or impulse control to stand-still-and-not-touch for more than a couple of minutes when he’s surrounded by row after row of glittery Christmas decorations that beg to be picked up. Maybe when he’s 7, but certainly not now.

So what should she have done? What could she have done? Simple: Plan better. One of the hallmarks of good parenting is to develop the ability to be one step ahead of the game. Since things are constantly changing in the life of a mother with kids, you have to really work at being both flexible and prepared. And you have to understand the constraints of any given age. So if, for example, you want to spend 30 minutes shopping with a pre-schooler in a store where everything in sight (and reach) is both breakable and irresistible, you have to approach said outing with the planning and precision of a Navy Seal Operation. It’s got to be down-to-the-minute and include a highly choreographed back-up plan if unexpected circumstances arise.

Yeah, yeah I realize that you like to be spontaneous every now and then. Just understand that you may pay a heavy price for the privilege. So what are some of the specific tactics that she could have employed? Here are a few:

1. SIDESTEP THE WHOLE THING

She could have planned a babysitting trade in advance with a friend who also has kids. They could have exchanged three hours of child care so each could do some holiday prep alone, untethered to strollers, car seats, and little hands that must be held. Then they would be able to shop in peace (well, relative peace anyway) maybe grab a coffee, and not risk creating the giant melt-downs, hurt feelings and bad moods that might otherwise pop up.

2. BE PREPARED

First of all, know what you are dealing with. Get a good book on child development but read only about your child’s current age with a buffer of 4-6 months on either side. Knowing the basics of what he can and cannot be expected to do will save you (and him) hours of unpleasantness and countless headaches. And always keep these outings as short and sweet as possible.

If you MUST bring your little guy into that store you could put him in a stroller and have a bunch of things ready to dole out as needed to keep him entertained and occupied. It’s a good idea to keep some favorite toys that are small enough to easily transport unavailable except when you know you are going to need a fool-proof distraction. We had a GameBoy for this purpose. It only came out during times when one had to be still and quiet for a longish period of time like taking a flight or sitting backstage during an older sibling’s play practice while I was helping with make-up or costumes. Obviously, the toy must be age-specific but you get the picture.

Snacks help too, as does a favorite blanket and pacifier. You can also choose one non-breakable, soft decoration (stuffed santa, for example) early on and let him play with that while you explore the breakable stuff. Make sure it’s a cheapie and be prepared to buy it if it gets drooled on or damaged in any way.

3. WORK WITH HIS SCHEDULE

Again, it’s all about setting realistic expectations. If the stores will be most empty the moment they open and that’s also the time of day when little dude is least likely to get crabby, plan to zip in and out then. But if that’s just about the time he normally takes a nap, don’t expect him to be able to go above-and-beyond when he is tired and out of sorts.

In essence, the real key here is to plan and prepare and be willing to cut your losses and leave if things get ugly. It’s the best and easiest way to create a successful outcome for you both. And just remember that these early years with your little one will fly by and before you know it, he will be in school, and you will have much more flexibility with your schedule. But until then, choose to be the smart, happy mom instead of the crazed, out-of-control one. Please?

The Thanksgiving feast is over, the relatives and friends have come and gone and now it’s time to contemplate the next holiday that’s fast approaching.

Unless you’re careful, you can easily get caught up in the hurricane of shopping, decorating, cooking, baking, and entertaining that passes for observing the holidays these days. And at the end of it all, you may find yourself broke, exhausted and wondering what just happened. Don’t do it!

Rebel against the energy that recently pitted one crazed shopper against another just hours after they nodded their heads in gratitude at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Put away the pepper spray and set a tone of love, kindness and sharing instead. And don’t forget to get your kids involved. This can be a true teaching moment.

Children are, after all, naturally generous, sympathetic creatures but they need us to show them how they can help others. The holidays present a golden opportunity to do so. Whether they are three or 13 there is a multitude of ways to express their love and concern for those less fortunate. Isn’t that really what the Season of Sharing is supposed to be about?

Start a new holiday tradition today: take a look at this list (emailed to me from a friend) and then talk to your child about how you, as a family, might like to spread some peace and joy of your own. Nothing lifts your spirits faster than helping someone out and there is no better or more valuable gift to give to your child than sharing this experience with them.

1. Just ONE DOLLAR can buy and ship two books to a child in Africa. In many classrooms there, up to 20 children must share just one copy. Go to booksforafrica.org to donate.

2. Just TWO DOLLARS can buy a set of drumsticks for a low income public school child learning to play the drums. Go to littlekidsrock.org to donate.

3. Just THREE DOLLARS can provide the means for a high-risk youth to go on a field trip to a museum, concert or theatrical production. Go to createnow.org to donate.

4. Just FOUR DOLLARS can give an overseas soldier two hours of pre-paid phone time. Imagine what that could mean to a far away mom or dad, son or daughter, during the holidays. This website was started by two teenage siblings in 2004 and has mailed out over 1.5 million cards to our troops since then! Go to cellphonesforsoldiers.com to donate.

5. Just FIVE DOLLARS can give a one-burner stove to a Haitian family who must cook their meals on an open fire. Not only does this stove provide a clean, re-useable and smoke-free method for preparing their food, it also helps to prevent deforestation of this country. Go to foodforthepoor.org to contribute.

6. Just SIX DOLLARS can provide measles vaccinations for 15 children in a developing country. Go to doctorswithoutborders.org to make a donation.

7. Just SEVEN DOLLARS can provide a full week’s worth of food for an abandoned dog or cat. Go to aspca.org to help.

8. Just EIGHT DOLLARS can provide a medical teaching doll to a sick child to help him learn how his cancer treatment works. Go to stjude.org  to help.

9. Just NINE DOLLARS can provide one box of nails to help make a disabled veteran’s house handicap accessible. This organization provides all the materials and does all the work for severely injured veterans for free. Go to homesforourtroops.org to donate.

10. Just TEN DOLLARS can provide a days worth of fresh food and vegetables to feed two orphaned chimpanzees at the Jane Goodall Chimpanzee Rehabilitation Center in the Republic of the Congo. Go to janegoodall.org to donate and learn more.

11. Just ELEVEN DOLLARS will provide the funds to plant 11 trees in  parts of Alabama that were devastated by the April, 2011 tornadoes. Go to arborday.org to lend a hand.

12. Just TWELVE DOLLARS will provide 20 pounds of soap to a poor family somewhere in the world. The ability to keep clean (and help prevent disease) should be a basic right for all but unfortunately it is not. Go to oxfamamericaunwrapped.org to donate.

So there you have it mamas — your own 12 Days of Christmas list. I hope you have been inspired!

For even more ideas on excellent programs that could use your help, check out heifer.org, operationsmile.org,  globalgiving.org, mowaa.org and cradlestocrayons.org. At least one of these awesome organizations is sure to get your (and your children’s) juices flowing.

Of course nothing beats shopping together for a few well-selected toys to bring to Toys for Tots or buying a grocery bag full of food to drop off at the local community center or food pantry. Kids love to do these things with you and most likely will be happy to contribute a few pennies or dollars of their own. So get out there and make it happen!

And may your days be merry and bright!

Not that long ago single, young women worried a lot about getting pregnant. Abortion was illegal and out-of-wedlock pregnancy was characterized by shame and stigma. Then along came the birth control pill, and the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, and everything changed.

These days, many single, young women worry that they will NOT get pregnant – if and when they are ready to try. They worry that the lifestyle choices of their twenties and thirties (career, travel, casual dating) may have pushed them into the land where pregnancy may no longer be a given for them. And some of them are kind of freaking out.

Recently, we received a question from a reader that pretty much sums up how a lot of them are feeling. It really got to us and we wanted to respond:

Dear Mamas,

I turned 27 years old this year. At my annual exam, my doctor not-so-kindly reminded me that if I wanted to have children in the future, I should know that my reproductive health would start to decline at age 30. I don’t currently have a mate that I would consider having children with and I don’t know if I will before my reproductive health begins to decline. I don’t even know if I’ll ever want children in the future. Yet, I worry. Should I freeze my eggs? What are my options? My doctor wasn’t very friendly, and I will be looking for a new one, but I’m just seeking some guidance here.

Stacy

First of all Stacy, I am so sorry about the way your doctor treated you. He blew it. He behaved in a less-than compassionate way and I can only imagine how alarmed you must have felt. But it’s always good to know the truth in a situation like this so that you can wrap your head around it, gain some perspective, and make a plan.

So here are the facts regarding fertility:

• Girls are born with all the eggs they will ever have, unlike boys who will manufacture sperm from the time of puberty until they die. From puberty onward, an egg (sometimes more than 1) is released with each ovulation cycle, and it’s thought that the “ripest,” most viable eggs are released first.
• It is true that once you hit your 30′s your fertility begins to decline. A healthy woman in her 20′s has an 87% chance of getting pregnant over the course of a year. By the time she is 35, her odds of getting pregnant in any given year decrease to 52%.
• A recent study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland found that by age 30 women have already lost 90% of their eggs and by 40 have only only 3% left.
• According to fertility specialist Sherman Silber, after age 30, a woman has about a 15% chance of getting pregnant in any single ovulation cycle. At 40, the chances that she will conceive on her own, without help, in any given ovulation cycle is about 10%.
• As we age, so do our eggs. In an article for NPR, Dr. Allen Cooperman of Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York says that by 40, 90% of a woman’s eggs are abnormal. These abnormalities can make it more difficult to conceive and increase the likelihood of miscarriage.
• Miscarriage risk also rises throughout the 30s, but slowly. From ages 30 to 34 it’s about 12%. From 35 to 39 it goes up to 18 percent.
• At age 30, the risk of carrying a child with Down syndrome is one in 759. But by the time you hit 35, that risk has increased to one in 302.

So it seems pretty clear that when we’re talking about starting a family, age does matter. But that has always been the case. People do get pregnant in their thirties! I had my first at 30, my second at 33 and my third at 37. How things might play out for anyone in particular will, of course, vary. But knowledge is power and knowing the facts can help you make the best plan for yourself.

But what if you, like Stacy, are already worried and wondering about your future? What are the facts regarding freezing your eggs? To be honest it’s a bit of a mixed bag:

• Thanks to a new flash-freeze method called vitrification, frozen, unfertilized eggs have a much higher rate of survival than before. We have been freezing fertilized eggs for some time but freezing unfertilized eggs is fairly new.
• Due to advances in in vitro fertilization and egg freezing, many women are now able to conceive at older ages. But the procedures are challenging, do not guarantee success, and can be very expensive.*
• According to a report by Jennifer Ludden for NPR, “The whole process — a week of hormones, plus the procedure to collect the eggs — runs $12,000 to $14,000. And because it takes 10 to 20 eggs for a reasonable shot at success, some may need to do this several times. Plus, there are annual storage fees. Then, when you’re ready to use your eggs, you’ll need in vitro fertilization, another pricey procedure. All told, costs can easily exceed $40,000.”
• Unless the freezing is being done because of upcoming cancer treatment, insurance will most likely NOT cover the costs.
• We don’t yet know how long frozen eggs remain viable. The assumption is that those coming from younger women will be okay for years but we really do not know.
• The Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, which sets the guidelines for this new industry, still sees the whole business of freezing and harvesting eggs to be experimental. Not all eggs that are harvested will tolerate the freezing process. And of those that do, not all will fertilize later, when thawed and exposed to sperm.
• They (SART) also say that as far as we know, the babies who have been born using frozen eggs (only 1,000 to 2,000 world-wide) seem to be fine. But they caution that it is still early and hard to tell what the long term effects may be.

So now that you have some of the facts, how do you plan? Well, even though there isn’t anything you can do to slow Father Time, there are things you can do to impact your fertility in a positive way. For example, if you smoke, stop. If you are overweight, lose the extra pounds. And do whatever you can to control stress in your life. All of these actions can slow the loss of fertility.

Try not to worry about whether you will get pregnant one day in the future but do what you can now to increase the likelihood that when you are ready, things can fall into place pretty quickly.

For example: If you know that you really want children someday, don’t waste your time in a relationship with a man (or woman) you would never want to have children with. If the thought of him as a spouse/life partner/father leaves you with questions and concerns, do yourself and him a favor and cut it off. Don’t wait for him to change. He probably won’t and when you start to dream about babies, you may well wish you had acted earlier and found someone more appropriate to be the daddy.

Think about the kind of life you want to have. Be realistic. If you know that you want children some day, work that wish into your plans, realizing that your ability to conceive will get harder as you get older. And if you aren’t sure, keep thinking. Don’t just stick your head in the sand. By the time you pull it out, you may be surprised by the facts that greet you.

If your dream is to be a surgeon/live on a mountaintop in Nepal for 5 years/climb Mt.Everest/run for president, then definitely go for it! Dream big and follow those dreams wherever they lead you.

But at the same time, remember that you are making choices here. And one choice may cancel out another choice. It’s all good as long as you are aware of this and are conscious about what you are choosing.

And don’t forget that if, one day in the future, you can’t get pregnant, adoption and in vitro fertilization are also options to consider.

At the end of the day though, you do the best you can and keep the faith. Live your life as fully as possible and try not to worry about the future. Things usually have a way of working themselves out, regardless of how they might look now.

*For more on the specifics of what’s involved check out this article from Forbes Woman.

What on earth is affluenza? Is it contagious? Is it serious? Well according to PBS, which coined the term and produced an hour-long television show about it, affluenza can be defined as: “1. The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by dogged pursuit of the American Dream.”

Basically, it’s an addiction to materialism — the overwhelming desire for more, more, more.

But what does that have to do with my kid, you might ask? He’s only three-years-old and more concerned with pursuing the household dog than dogmatically pursuing anything else. Career ambitions? Short-term, we’re shooting for total success in the potty training field and long-term, we’re possibly looking at something involving fire engines.

I know, but it actually does have a lot to do with your kid, and every kid, for that matter. It doesn’t just affect adults. Kids are suffering from it, too — in a big way — and yes, it is serious and highly contagious.

Just pair the affluenza idea with a recent study from San Diego State University and you’ll understand what I mean. Incredibly, they found that the number of teens suffering from anxiety and depression today is five times higher than it was during the Great Depression. Did you get that? And according to an article from Connect With Kids, the experts are pointing to affluenza as a major reason why.

That statistic took my breath away and it should get your attention too, because the trends that appear in the teen set today usually stick around for awhile and then eventually hit the pre-school set a few years later. The patterns and expectations you set up with your children now, while they are little, will last for a long time.

When we launched  this website, we promised to warn you about the inevitable potholes that appear when you least expect them, and hopefully save you some trouble. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, with little ones running around but as a mom and a family therapist, I’m urging you to pay attention, because this is a big one.

So here’s the low-down on this prevalent and frightening virus: what it looks like like, how it gets passed around, and how you can prevent your child from becoming its next victim.

SYMPTOMS:

Many of the kids who were questioned in the study  (regardless of family income), said they needed the latest ipod, iphone, sports car, designer handbag, or $200.00 pair of jeans in order to feel comfortable and “good enough”  about themselves. Several reported buying something they wanted and then lying about its cost to a parent.

They knew they had crossed an important line regarding trust. But with affluenza, one’s sense of self worth gets linked to their possessions. What they own becomes the mark of who they are. Their accomplishments, ideals, families, talents or dreams for the future are not nearly as important as their “things” in determining how they see themselves.

The symptoms present as an obsession with shopping, or constantly comparing what they have with what their friends have. It’s a disease marked by competitiveness and their perception of “personal lack” can result in feelings of shame, anxiety, depression or unworthiness.

This is not, counter to what you might think, an exclusively upper-class disease. Kids from all racial and socioeconomic groups are affected.

CONTAGABILITY:

This one gets passed around very easily and often gets its start at home. Parents beware! Take a step back and look at how you spend money and family resources. Do your purchases tend to be needs or wants? We all like to indulge ourselves once-in-awhile, but a picture is worth a thousand words and guess which one they’re looking at?

They are certainly going to pick up on the behaviors and norms of their buddies in the neighborhood and at school. But that makes it even more important to make sure that at home, you practice what you preach.

TREATMENT:

Affluenza can be successfully treated. The first step is to spot it and call it for what it is. The rest is based on good, old fashioned follow-through. So here’s the plan:

1. Slow down on all the presents. Save them for birthdays and Christmas or Hanukkah. And even then, keep it modest. In a previous article, I mentioned that a large research study had found that 73% (yes, 3 out of 4) of the stuff parents bought their kids were things that the children hadn’t even asked for. The parents bought the stuff simply because they thought their kid might like it. Don’t go there. It can create an addiction and the story of the overindulged child does not end well. The kids in that study grew up deeply resenting their parents, and vowed not to spoil their own children when they became parents.

2. Set limits. If your child does want something, help him figure out how to either wait for it (“Put it on your Christmas list”); save up for it (remember the lay-away plan?); work for it; or forget about it. Remind him that just because he wants something doesn’t mean he gets to have it. And then, stick to your guns.

3. Hold off on giving them their own credit card until they are mature enough to handle it. Many of the kids in the San Diego study had them and spent over their limit on a regular basis. Unless you plan to fund them for the rest of their lives, you had best avoid that trap. That’s not to say they can’t have a credit card when they go to college for books, emergencies etc., but make sure you check it carefully each month and hold them accountable for any unauthorized purchases. And if they abuse it, cancel it.

4. Get them involved in giving back in one way or another. Volunteering in their community or school is a good way to start. This can start very young, with you!

PREVENTION:

There is no vaccine but there is hope. You are their best shot at prevention. And you can make all the difference. How?

1. Family dinnertime. Once again, it comes up as an antidote. Start right away with this habit and keep it going. Make it a priority to eat together at least 4 or 5 times per week. The research is crystal clear in demonstrating the positive effect on behavior, self-esteem, and overall happiness in children.

2. Spend time with your child playing, talking, and goofing around. Institute Family Game Night and “Special Time” and keep it going. The more quality time they spend with you away from the television and computer, the more confident they will feel about themselves.

3. Encourage them to develop their imaginations and become good at something creative that they enjoy. Something, not a hundred things. Maybe it’s music, or art, or fishing, or rock polishing. Just make sure it’s truly something that they like and don’t go overboard with lessons or teachers. Just give them encouragement and opportunity, and help them to develop their hobby or talent over time.

4. Make a pact with your friends to tone down the birthday parties and limit the excess when it comes to bigger and better. Work with your nursery school or P.T.A. to keep it simple when it comes to holiday parties or celebrations at school. And ask any well-meaning but notoriously overindulging grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends not to go overboard on a regular basis.

You can do this. I hope you’ll try. If you need a little more inspiration, keep in mind the wise words of Frank A. Clark: “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” Now that’s something to chew on.