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Tone Your Effectiveness Muscles

By Ellen Schrier on March 13, 2012

When it comes to taking a perfectly rational, kind-hearted mother and effortlessly turning her into a wild-eyed, shrieking shrew, no one can hold a candle to the kid she calls her own. There is something almost mystical about the ability of our own offspring to pull off this bit of magic. They rock at it, especially once they hit the pre-teen and adolescent years.

All it takes is a tired mom, a long day, a smart-alecky, uncooperative or disobedient kid who’s relentlessly rattling your cage and bingo, you’re in business! Other times, a smart, sarcastic string of remarks from Junior’s mouth after he’s gotten a well-deserved reprimand can do the trick faster than you can say spit.

Next thing you know you’re on the warpath throwing out ridiculous, over-the-top punishments that you know you cannot enforce. They are just that good! It’s actually kind of impressive when you think about it…

We’ve all been there — or will be — for sure. Just give it a few more years if you haven’t had the experience yet. Seems like it’s just part and parcel to being a parent but here’s the rub: the moment you find yourself sputtering incoherently like an idiot and making wild threats, you’ve lost the battle and your ability to be effective as a parent. It’s kind of like being caught center stage with your pants down on opening night. It doesn’t bode well for how seriously you will be taken in your all-important role as mother and teacher going forward.

It sucks, I know. But just in case you’ve fallen into this routine, I’m here to tell you that you can turn this bad habit on its head and turn yourself back into the calm, effective mother you want to be. It’s truly important that you do. Why? Because your kid needs to know that when he gets out of line or gets himself into trouble, you are going to be right there assessing the damage, pointing out why it was wrong and helping him to understand that bad behavior results in consequences that fit the crime.

That’s how he learns and eventually becomes able to control himself and make better choices.  Screaming at the top of your lungs and grounding him until he’s out of high school doesn’t really send the right message — or work — even though it feels great in the moment.

He gets more upset, you get more upset and that golden moment when you can truly get his attention and have impact passes. The reality is that you cannot get through to your child when he is upset and he cannot take you seriously when you are beyond rational. It’s that simple.

So the next time you hear your voice start to climb to an ever higher, louder pitch and notice that your hands are shaking, your knuckles are turning white, and there is drool coming out of your mouth, STOP talking and do one of the following things:

1. Fake a sudden, desperate need to pee and run to the bathroom. Stay in there with the door shut and locked while you run cold water over your hands, count to 50 slowly, and BREATHE. Remind yourself that you are the parent and have to get yourself back into a reasonable state of mind for everyone’s sake. Otherwise the cold war with Junior might go on for hours-to-days, feelings will get very hurt, and he won’t learn a thing. Go back to your child and give it another shot now that you are cool, calm and collected.

2. Walk into another room and sit down. Take a breath or two and try to relax. Explain that you need to take a few minutes to calm down before you say another word.

3. Tell him that you are very angry and need to calm down and think about this before you talk any more. Send him to his room and tell him to do the same. Call him back in once you have your breath and balance back and explain why you were so angry and how things can be different in the future. Make sure you listen to what he has to say calmly. You may have to fake this part, but do it anyway and try your best.

Always remember to apologize if you have fallen victim to name-calling or said anything that smacked of an attack on his character or that you really didn’t mean.

Remind yourself that he is a child (or adolescent) and that he is bound to make a lot of mistakes before he’s grown. And take a minute to remind yourself that you are only human and entitled to make your own mistakes, as well. The difference, of course, is that you have to be the one to stay calm, set the example and lead the way, even when you feel like your head is going to explode. Trust me, it won’t.

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When Crisis Hits Say This, Not That

By Rachel Zahn on March 6, 2012

A wise man (John Lennon) once said, “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans.” Ain’t it the truth.

A friend called the other day to get my take on how to respond to some upsetting, scary news. A young woman who grew up with her kids, became close to the whole family, and was practically one of them was just diagnosed with a rare tumor and is about to begin a course of treatment that will be horribly tough on her and everyone who loves her.

What my friend wanted to know was how to be helpful. Not so much in terms of what to do — she’s an ace at bringing meals and showing up to do errands you didn’t even know you needed done — her questions were about what to say and what NOT to say to bring them some comfort.

She asked because she knows I’m something of a reluctant expert on the subject.

When my first-born was 2 1/2 he was diagnosed with neuroblastoma, an aggressive childhood cancer that took our lives and turned them upside down; took our guts and rearranged them on the outside of our bodies.

On an ordinary day, in a heart-stopping instant, time is divided into before and after. The planet as you know it looks one way one minute, and is unrecognizable the next.

And that transformation doesn’t just affect you and your family, it happens to all your friends, neighbors, teachers, colleagues and every single person who touches your world. They all experience a mirror image of what you’re going through, and are desperate to do anything they can to ease your pain. But they don’t know how. Don’t have a clue. How could they? They feel confused and frightened.

Sometimes they do nothing. They avoid you and avoid speaking of IT … not because they don’t care, or because they think they might ‘catch’ your misfortune, but because they’re so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.

While there is no wrong thing — believe me, anything you might say isn’t nearly as awful as the stuff they’re already thinking, and nothing will make their shattered world any more shattered, there are some incredible gifts that can bring moments of joy and peace and help them navigate a road they never in their darkest moments thought they’d be traveling.

So for all you loving friends and supporters out there, this is my experience of what helped and what didn’t. And for those who may be going through an awful time, let your people know what works for you, and what doesn’t.

DO …

… Call and keep calling. Let them know you’re there. No big deal, no long speeches, no heavy message, just say hi. If they don’t want to talk they won’t answer the phone, but they’ll be glad you showed up. If you can include a tidbit of neighborhood news or silly celeb gossip, all the better.

… Watch your tone. It’s almost automatic when we talk to someone who’s in crisis, whether it’s a health issue, unemployment, or a divorce, to use that worried, pitying, “I’m so sorry” voice. Frankly, it’s depressing. Much better to use your upbeat voice, even when talking about how the situation sucks.

… Be straight about what you know. Don’t be afraid to use the ‘C’ word, or whatever accurately describes it. If you don’t know, it’s okay to ask. Ask, but don’t pry. “What do the doctors say?” is better than “What’s the survival rate?” It leaves room to tell as much or as little as they’d like. Acknowledge the unfairness of it all and leave room for venting (them, not you) but don’t push if they decline.

… Be your normal self. If you run into your friend in the supermarket, comment on the super-size package of Oreos in her cart if that’s what you’d have done before. Laughter and jokes are unbelievably helpful. Being “appropriate” (whatever that means in crisis-land) is way overrated.

… Focus on the kids. When a sibling or parent in the family is ill, other kids can feel left out and forgotten, and parents feel awful about it. Give the little guys some added attention. Offer an outing to the park, a movie, or laser tag to reassure them that life as they know it goes on and it’s still okay to have fun.

… Avoid drama. They’re getting through this one day at a time by biting off manageable pieces. Having the enormity of the picture pointed out, even if you’re admiring how beautifully they’re handling it, is not helpful.

… Open your heart, whatever that means to you. A hand made card telling them how you feel (see ‘Avoid drama’ above), a dozen of your incomparable oatmeal cookies, your cherished DVD of The Hangover, whatever.

DON’T …

The one exception to there’s no wrong thing to say is: “I don’t know how you’re getting through this. I don’t think I could do it.” The only conceivable answer is: “Unfortunately, I wasn’t given a choice. No one asked if I wanted my child to get cancer. I have to get through it, and you would too.” They know what you meant (you’re so strong and I’d never be as strong as you), but it reminds them how glad you are that you’re not them. They already know that.

… Always focus on the crisis. Life goes on. Laundry gets done, the dog is walked, movies are watched, new clothes are bought. All the stuff you used to talk about is still happening, it’s the landscape that’s changed. Sometimes it’s comforting to ignore the forest and get lost in the trees.

… Make them comfort you. This is a big one. If you get teary and emotional, they’re naturally going to fall into the caretaker role and try to be reassuring. This adds insult to injury, and does nothing but add to their burden, even if you think you’re showing how much you care. Not okay.

… Drop away after the initial crisis is over. They’re in it for the long haul, and need the people in their life to hang in there all the way. Keep checking in. Let them know you’re on board.

… Expect the usual social niceties and Miss Manners rules. If you drop off a lasagna and don’t get a thank-you note, let it slide. In crisis-land some things fall through the cracks.

As you can see, the Dos are longer than the Don’ts, and rightly so. The most important Do? Just be there.

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Am I Pretty?

By Ellen Schrier on February 28, 2012

In case you haven’t heard, a new trend has hit the ‘tween and teen set and it’s kind of heart- breaking. Scores of young, impressionable girls are posting youtubes of themselves begging to be told if they measure up in the looks department.

The angst they feel about their appearance is probably as old as time itself. Adolescents have always been concerned about how they look and have always secretly compared themselves to their peers. Given the fact that their bodies are going through a period of rapid change and development, it’s not too surprising.

During adolescence, growth is often asymmetrical, which means that one arm, leg or even side of their face may be a little longer or bigger than the other for a while. Teens often feel clumsy and awkward as they struggle to keep up with a body that just yesterday seemed, and might have been, different. Who among us didn’t believe that we were too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, too everything when we were navigating those challenging years?

But today those concerns have become even more intense, especially for girls. Women have become obsessed with body image and appearance. And there is mounting evidence that our daughters are feeling the same pressure to be picture-perfect from grade school on.

Joan Jacobs Brumberg, who wrote The Body Project, a study that looked at the history of American girlhood, found that 50 years ago, when girls were given a questionnaire asking them about efforts at “self-improvement” they talked about how they could improve their academic performance or contribute more to their communities. When that same questionnaire was recently redistributed the answers all focused on how they could improve their personal appearance. It seems that today’s girls grow up believing that ”good looks,” rather than “good works,” are needed in order to be a successful and beloved woman.

Reaching out for support during this tumultuous time is natural and understandable. These girls are trying to quell their gut-wrenching anxiety about their appearance. But clearly, the internet is not the place to find it. Their pleas for a straight and honest answer to their question have often been met with ridicule and contempt.

The “help” they have received has caused everything from hurt feelings to suicide. Equally troubling is that the desperate pleas for support make these already vulnerable kids sitting ducks for predators, who search out youngsters who appear insecure or lonely. They swoop in with kind words of encouragement and thereby begin the process of making them feel special and gaining their trust.

However you look at it, this is a trend that we must bring into the open with our girls and stop. But how? There is actually a lot you can do to help your child weather the inevitable storms of adolescence with her self-esteem intact.

  • Explain that worrying about her appearance is normal during adolescence but posting online to get reassurance is not a healthy or productive way to deal with it. Talk about the risks and don’t be shy about laying them out.
  • Ask your teen how she sees herself. Let her air her concerns and listen sympathetically, but then shift the conversation away from traits that are physical and transitory like looks, to those that speak to character and can be nurtured and developed.
  • Help her to place her emphasis on being healthy and fit (rather than skinny and glamorous) and on developing her own unique style.
  • Watch your own obsession with weight and appearance. Model attitudes and behaviors that you want to see in her.
  • Remember that all teens need to to be affirmed regularly. Even though they might be driving you nuts, you need to take the time to compliment them on their appearance, behavior, attitude, and talents. Be authentic and don’t gush. Your words go in much deeper than you may believe. Instead of saying “You are the prettiest or smartest,” aim for pointing out something about her that is unique and beautiful like:

“That’s a great hair style! How did you do that?” Or…

“What a beautiful drawing. I love how you were able to capture the feeling of winter.” Or…

“It was so kind of you to help your little brother with his homework. What a thoughtful person you are.” Or…

“I can’t believe that you can play the guitar like that. You have real talent! I wish I could do that.” Or…

“Thanks so much for pitching in so nicely tonight with the dishes. I love to see that helpful attitude of yours.”

  • Spend fun, adventurous all-girl time with her and some friends of varying ages. Camp, hike, knit, or bake together and make it a habit. Girls thrive when given the opportunity to explore different parts of themselves and their personalities in a safe, all-female environment.
  • Make sure that you try your best to keep up with what’s going on between her and her computer. Limit the amount of time she spends on it. A lot of this online posting goes on late at night when kids are supposed to be asleep and their anxieties are running high. You might even consider having all kid-owned electronics deposited in your room when lights go out. Just a thought…

 

 

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We Can Do Hard Things

By Rachel Zahn on February 21, 2012

If you’re a regular reader, you might know about my day job with a nonprofit foster care organization, Angels Foster Family Network. Angels is an amazing place where we see miracles happen every day, and the biggest ones are performed by our stellar foster parents.

I don’t know how we find these truly extraordinary people who are willing to take a broken baby into their hearts and homes, give them all the love and care they so badly need as if they were their own, and heal their wounds, all the while acknowledging that one day they might have to say goodbye.

So meet Kristen — one of our best. Kristen and Dan have fostered several of our kiddos (one at a time … we only put one child or siblings with each family to maximize one-on-one attention), had their hearts broken once or twice, adopted the most wonderful little guy EVER, and are now loving a little one who came to them starved. Literally days away from death, because his birth mom was mentally ill and struggling.

Kristen wrote this post on Valentine’s Day in celebration of her family.

 I’m in LOVE. How appropriate, right?

Of course, I’m in love with my husband (hubba-hubba) and my son, that’s a no-brainer, but that isn’t who I’m speaking of: this little fella has only been with us a handful of weeks and has my heart in his teeny, little hand. He’s my new, special little Valentine. Brought to us by our personal Cupid: Angels Foster Family Network.

I’m feeling wildly fortunate today upon realizing that for the past three V-Days I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing a brand new little Valentine in my life. Although they aren’t in my life forever (well, one is, insert a ridiculously huge heart here), I was able to make them feel special, wanted and unconditionally loved.

After all, isn’t that what today is all about?

Saint Valentine would be proud as it is something of a “forbidden” love. In some places (not Angels) a foster parent would be advised, “Don’t fall in love, don’t get too attached… as more than likely there is no future for your family with this child.” My response to that??…PHOOEY!!! I’d rather see my heart broken than to deny any child in my home the most love and care that I can humanly give. And in order to do so, my husband and I both agree to this, you have to fall deeply in love right from the start. That is exactly what these babies deserve, just as our own children do. There shouldn’t be any lines or barriers or shields denying these children an environment of complete acceptance and adoration.

My husband and I don’t do flowers, presents, even cards-it’s more about just spending time together as a family and truly appreciating one another. This year, instead of celebrating our family of three, we are celebrating four. Appreciating this little, helpless person that continues to grow and flourish into this ridiculously healthy and happy baby. That is what today is all about.

For those of your who are foster parents with us, I’m so grateful to share this day with you. Today is a day that we don’t need to focus on the heartbreak that could very well be on our horizon, but a day to relish what we are able to do.

We Can Do Hard Things…

and I’m ridiculously proud of us.

We are too, Kristen. Proud and humbled. May we all strive to open our hearts as wide as you have, whatever that looks like for the rest of us.

To read more of Kristen’s blog go to Diary of a Foster Mom.

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What is LOVE?

By Rachel Zahn on February 14, 2012

A group of kids, ages 5 to 10, offer thoughts on the nature of the beast …

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” – Glenn, age 7

  • “Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” – John, age 9
  • “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” – Manuel, age 8
  • “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” – Mae, age 9
  • “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” – Greg, age 8
  • “Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.” – Tom, age 5
  • “On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” – Mike, 10
  • “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when Dinosaurs is on television.” – Jill, age 6
  • “One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” – Andrew, age 6
  • “My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.” – Carolyn, age 8
  • “It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” – Kenny, age 7
  • “One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” – Ava, age 8
  • “When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.’” – Anita, 9
  • “I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade hard enough.” – Regina, age 10
  • “Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one.” – Angie, age 10
  • “A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.” – Marlon, age 10
  • “[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” – Kirsten, age 10
  • “Love is foolish…but I still might try it sometime.” – Floyd, age 9
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” – Dave, age 8

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Dave. Happy Heart Day to all!

 

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What Do The Babysitters Say About YOU??

By Ellen Schrier on February 7, 2012

The other day a friend told me a story about a mother, a babysitter, and some bad behavior — not the children’s behavior mind you, but the mother’s. It was ugly.

Elinor had been horrified to hear her normally kind friend speak to the 17 year-old girl who was about to spend the next five hours feeding and caring for her four kids in a rude, insulting way.

Although the mother’s attitude shocked Elinor, it didn’t faze me. As the mom of a babysitter, I’ve witnessed some pretty questionable behavior on the part of some parents myself.

Once for example, some neighbors asked my daughter at the last minute to babysit for “just an hour and a half.” She was leaving early the next morning for a big day in the city. She mentioned her plans and explained that she had to get to bed early. It was Friday and she was worn out after a week of school. Not a problem, they promised.

But two hours after they left, they called and asked her to stay a little longer. Put on the spot, and being 16, she said okay. I fell asleep reading in bed, waiting for her to come home. Next thing I knew, it was 4:00 in the morning and she was still gone. Panicked, I called the neighbor’s house and got a hold of my daughter, who was exhausted and upset.

She gave me their number and I called them and asked what the *!!* was going on.  ”Oh, sorry, we’ll be right home! We didn’t realize how late it was.” Then they finally came home, full of apologies. To make matters worse, they threw A LOT (and I mean a LOT) of money at her, as if that would make everything okay. It really didn’t. In fact, it just added to the confusion and the number of things we had to talk about the next day.

My kid, who got to bed at 5:00 AM, was too tired to go on her own adventure in the morning. I was pretty beat myself, and mad! These parents were not terrible people — they just didn’t get that a 16 year old needs to be treated with the same level of courtesy and respect as an adult.

My daughter has had many other experiences with parents who have been very thoughtful and considerate and I’m sure that’s the case for most babysitters, most of the time. But kids do get taken advantage of by parents often enough to warrant some attention.

So here are some things to remember when you’re dealing with these God-Sends (and possible mamas-in-training) who help us so much as we raise our children.

DO

  • respect their time–pick them up and get back home when you said you would.
  • treat them the same way you would an adult but don’t expect them to have the same level of knowledge or experience. Explain everything you need to in a kind, respectful way.
  • agree on a fee in advance and pay them when you get home. Give them a little extra if they stayed later or did extra work.
  • pay them fairly. If you are having them care for other kids besides your own, don’t skimp on their fee. If they are babysitting kids from two families, both sets of parents should pay.
  • give them clear instructions about everything they need to know in order to do a great job for you: rules, bedtimes, food or medicine allergies, limits on TV or computer use etc.
  • leave all important information about your home (like your address and phone number) in an obvious place so they can find it. You’d be surprised how often babysitters don’t know where they are when they have to call for help.
  • leave a list of important numbers (doctor, neighbor and how to reach you) right by the phone.

DON’T

  • leave them with a sick kid unless it’s absolutely necessary and they have been given advance notice and feel comfortable with the situation.
  • be more than a FEW minutes late without calling.
  • forget that in their eyes you are “PARENTS.” No matter how young you feel, look  or think of yourself, you look pretty old to them. They, on the other hand, are not that much older than your own kids and may not know how to comfortably say “no” to an adult. So make sure you don’t put them on the spot or take advantage of this fact.
  • talk down to them or treat them like second-class-citizens just because they are young. I still remember the great parents and the not-so-great parents that I babysat for and so will they.

Be the parents they will remember with affection and respect when they grow up. And don’t forget…in just a few years, it’s going to be your kids who are out there working hard to make some extra money. Treat your young employees the way you hope your own kids will be treated when they get to that stage. You’ll be making some life-long fans and teaching the next generation of parents the true meaning of cool.

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Parent’s Remorse?

By Rachel Zahn on January 31, 2012

I’m floating in a sea of parenting anxiety this week. Well, maybe not anxiety as much as unease, concern and self-doubt. Plus, some anxiety. It feels like a perfect storm.

My three are all in periods of vaguely disquieting transition right now and I sit with it in my lap and on my heart, living proof that you never stop being an active parent, whether the worry is this month’s ear infection or big life choices that carry years of consequences.

Older son is in his first year of grad school, on his way to an advanced degree in … wait for it … Philosophy. Younger son is in his last semester of undergrad, facing those scary unemployment numbers out in the real world with his BA in … English Literature. Daughter is waiting on pins and needles for verdicts from the uber-selective college(s) of her choice, and I don’t care how accomplished and self-confident you are, it’s hard for any 17-year-old not to feel judged like a finalist in the Miss America pageant right about now.

These might sound like good problems to have. Each is a result of hard work and the message we sent from the day they were born: Find what you love and go for it, pedal to the metal. Don’t follow any path because someone says you should, or because it’s the direction your friends are going. Choose the road less traveled and make it happen.

Obviously, they all got the memo, but did we forget the addendum?

During our family’s early growing years (those far-away 80′s and 90′s) it seemed like the sky was the limit. We worked hard, we saved, and we were rewarded with a reasonably comfortable and happy life. Those were the days when the latter was an expected result of the former. Our kids were never made to feel that earning a living should be in conflict with self-fulfillment, or that putting food on the table would require compromise as long as you were willing to put in the effort. That seems like such a luxury in today’s economic times.

Husband and I both came from families that appreciated and encouraged an appropriate amount of informed risk (a story for another day), and we passed that on to our own. But here we are in what feels like a different universe, and I’m having serious second thoughts.

Did we make a huge mistake by failing to teach them the value of playing it safe? Sure, it’s great to go for the grand slam, but doesn’t it make sense sometimes to settle for a walk and not risk striking out, as long as you get on base? Did our you can be anything you want to be, as long as you do it well approach point them toward futures filled with disappointment and frustration when they bump up against real limits imposed by the real world?

Maybe we should have pushed engineering and accounting. Maybe we should have demanded practical minors to provide a recession-proof hedge against those liberal arts majors. Maybe we should have pushed harder for the Mandarin and Arabic courses that the more practical students were signing up for. Should have, could have, would have …

I guess what I’m really asking is, will we be to blame if they’re not able to attain the fulfilled and successful working lives we raised them to reach for? Did we send them in the wrong direction by offering an unrealistic vision of what’s possible?

But then I need to remind myself that anything’s possible. The road is theirs, not mine. Ouch.

Bottom line — they will make their own choices and be responsible for the outcomes. As hard as it is to accept that I can’t work my Mommy magic anymore and promise them everything will work out, it’s a fact. And who am I really promising, anyway?

I come full circle and realize it’s my own uncertainty that’s at the root of the feeling in the pit of my stomach, not theirs.

It’s my want to shield Daughter from the sting of the thin envelope, even while I know that disappointment is as powerful a teacher as success. It’s my hope that Younger will land a position that pays the rent and uses his brain, so he’s not trapped in an unskilled job that numbs his spirit — or no job at all. It’s my need to know that Older will finish all those years of schooling and come out into a world where universities still hire Philosophy professors.

The struggle isn’t to be shunned; they’ll struggle no matter what. And I’ll struggle to remind myself … it’s their choice, not ours.

 

 

 

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We Need Your Help!

By Ellen Schrier on January 24, 2012

Hello Mamas,

We hope that everything is going well with all of you out there in Internet Land and that your families are thriving under your watchful, caring eyes. You are our heroes and we thank you for all the love and care you are giving to the current batch of children coming up in the world.

It’s been almost three years since we started this website and we figured it was time to check in with you and find out how we’re doing. As a couple of moms who have “been there and done that,” our #1 goal has always been to provide you with good, useful parenting advice from our combined professional arsenal of knowledge, tips and strategies. We are here to serve and want you to be happy with what you find whenever you do us the honor of stopping by.

So in that spirit, we are asking you to take a moment to let us know a) what you like about MamasOnCall and maybe want more of, b) what you could probably do without, and c) what we should add. In other words if you had a magic wand, how would you change this website to be more of what you’re looking for? If you want more on teenagers, for example, let us know. If you’re searching in vain for strategies to help you raise your kids as a single parent, we want to know. Or, if help in transitioning into the role of parent is what you crave, please speak up.

This is your chance to help us tweak our site and we hope that you’ll take us up on the offer.  Oh, and by the way, we are always delighted to get specific questions about your own family, too, so keep them coming. You need never worry that your identity will be revealed or that we will think your question is silly or stupid. We will not! Promise. No one but us sees your questions and we absolutely value and respect your privacy. And you’d be surprised by how many other parents are grappling with the same mystifying concerns that you are, right at this moment. By being the one to ask, you do them, as well as yourself, a favor.

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The Poop on Poop

By Rachel Zahn on January 17, 2012

How many times have you opened up a poopy diaper and wondered, ‘hmmm … is that normal?’ There’s not a mom on the planet who hasn’t worried about the color, consistency, or frequency of what’s coming out of that little behind. Have no fear, I’m going to clean up those messy doubts.

First, some reassurance. 99% of poop is perfectly normal, and it changes as your baby grows.

The look, smell, and amount is a direct result of what’s going IN the other end, and how it’s affected by digestion in the GI tract. The newborn who’s breast-fed-only will probably have poop that’s about the color and consistency of mustard up to several times a day (that’s after they’ve gotten rid of the mucous and dark meconium of fetal life). A babe on a formula diet will go less often, maybe once a day or every other, and it will be darker, stinkier, and firmer. If you see some green mixed in, that’s OK. All nutrition is not digested equally.

A quick note about constipation. The word refers to poop that is very hard or difficult to pass. It’s rare for a breast-only baby to become constipated. Mother nature pretty much takes care of that. Occasionally, formula fed infants will have a bit of trouble, so if it looks like yours is straining to the point of pain (as opposed to pushing and grunting which is normal), check with your pediatrician. There are some simple tricks that can help loosen the log jam. According to Web MD, constipation becomes more common as kids get older, and may reach 10% as children approach school age.

When you start to feed solids (4 – 6 months) things change. Strained fruit and veggies may vary the color and texture of poop a bit, but it’s nothing to worry about. When you add animal products smells get stronger, colors get darker, and diaper rash may become more of a problem. Meat is irritating — no matter how you cut it.

And now, on to the question I hear most often: When babies start finger foods, like bite-sized pieces of vegetables and fruits, is it normal for them to show up undigested in the diaper? Is it harmful? Yes, it’s normal. No harm done. When babies have only a few front teeth, they’re not able to chew food completely and much of it will be swallowed whole. Stomach juices and digestive action will extract a good part of the nutritional value, but you may well see what appears to be whole bites show up in the diaper. Have no fear, this is mostly the fiber ‘shell’ that never got chewed.

Sometime between 2 1/2 and 3 1/2, your little guy will start poopin’ in the potty and your daily examination will come to an end — not a moment too soon. Most of our concern is a result of the up-close-and-personal nature of diaper changing.

That said, here are the poop characteristics that should send you to the pediatrician right away:

Red blood in the diaper in any amount.

Black, tarry stool that’s significantly different than before.

White or colorless stool.

Bulky, fatty stool that persists and floats in the toilet.

Enough about poop! Go forth in peace …

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“Back off Mom! I’m FINE!”

By Ellen Schrier on January 10, 2012

An adolescent male has had asthma since he was a toddler. His mom has spent those years learning about his triggers and honing her ability to zero in on the early, tell-tale symptoms so she could treat them before they bloomed into full-blown, scary asthma attacks.

It was a responsible, by-the-book approach that worked great for a long time. Asthma was seen by son and parents as simply a part of life and this kid happily complied with the program.

But then, the child became a teenager. No longer could this mom take matters into her own hands when the warning signs flared up. Now she had to convince her son that it was the necessary thing to do. She found herself having this conversation often and it drove her wacko:

Mom: Hey, I hear you coughing a lot today. Sounds like asthma to me.

Son: Mom, I’m fine! I just have a little cold.

Mom: Really? Do you have a runny nose or sore throat or any other symptoms or is it just the cough?

Son: Mom, I’m not a baby. I know when I have asthma and I feel fine. Relax!

Mom: Well, yeah, but that cough is your symptom that asthma is starting and you need to get on it now before it really gets going.

Son: Mom, my chest feels fine. Seriously, I know when I need it. God! You treat me like such a baby!

Mom knew that this teen, like all teens with chronic medical conditions, didn’t want to face the fact that he needed to take his medicine regularly and monitor his condition closely. She knew that he saw himself as invulnerable to danger and able to manage his life with little help from the grown-ups. Having to take medicine wasn’t cool, and despite what he said, she knew that sometimes he just plain forgot to pay attention. But his overall health was good and his asthma didn’t really cause him much trouble.

Then he went to college. The climate there was very cold (cold air can trigger asthma), and it was hundreds of miles from home. New germs, new schedules, new routines (or lack of them), and total freedom to attend to his asthma or not created a riskier situation. Mom could occasionally hear the little achhh, achhhh cough that made her brain light up in fear when she talked to him on the phone and she felt her helplessness increase.

But now there was little she could do except hope for the best. Until last week. Here’s what happened:

Son, home for winter break, had been coughing for a week and blowing it off, as usual. Mom decided to institute a covert mission. Moms are smart that way. So she called her son’s pulmonologist and got his nurse on the line:

Mom: Here’s what I’m dealing with — I’ve got an adolescent who’s symptomatic and in denial about his asthma. I know it’s his age that’s getting in the way, and I need help from you guys. He’s home from college and we’re doing our dance about whether he needs his medication. I hear his cough, which I know is his symptom, and tell him to start the meds and he argues that he doesn’t need them.

Nurse: Oh boy.

Mom: He thinks it’s not asthma unless his chest is tight and he’s wheezing. I need you to explain what that cough means and help him understand that he has to be proactive and nip it in the bud. Will you please help me? He doesn’t want to hear it from his mom, but he might listen to the doctor. I promise to let you guys do the talking and not to gloat too much in the background.

Nurse: (laughing) I totally get it. Adolescents are notoriously bad about taking medication. Bring him in and we’ll read him the riot act, but nicely of course.

So Mom told Son they were going in for his annual asthma exam. She said she was glad because she wanted to find out once and for all (even though she already knew) what that little cough meant. She was curious, she said. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe it was just a bit of a cold and it didn’t signal asthma. “Fine,”he said. “No problem, sounds good.”

On the way, Mom kept things light and conversational. She didn’t talk about asthma or medicine. Mostly they just talked about sports. As the nurse walked them into the examination room she said to the son, “Wow, you sound a little winded just from the walk in. Is your asthma flaring up now?” Shocked son said, “No, I just have a slight cold.” Mom winked conspiratorially to Nurse and sat down feeling really good about what was about to happen.

As Nurse started to quiz Son on what was going on, she casually mentioned his cough.

Nurse: I hear a little achh, achhh.

Son: Yeah, I just have a little cold.

Nurse: Are you sure you’re not in denial? Because that cough could definitely be a symptom that your asthma is acting up.

At this point, Mom is pinching herself to keep from breaking into song and working hard to keep her face a bland combination of matter-of-fact and mildly curious.

Mom: Really? Is that right? The cough IS asthma? Because we have wondered about that. So let me get this straight – even though his chest isn’t tight yet and he’s not wheezing, he actually does have asthma and you know that because of the little cough?

Nurse: Well, we’ll have the doctor confirm it but most likely, yes. And the funny thing is that even when people are having symptoms they often don’t even notice them. One of the nurses here was constantly clearing her throat and finally I asked her when she was going to see the ENT about it. She didn’t know what I was talking about. She had no idea that she was clearing her throat every few minutes. So it was pretty funny. She did have a problem but wasn’t even aware of it.

Son: Huh.

In walks Doctor, who greets Son with a handshake and a warm hello. He gives Mom a quick nod but focuses, lazer-like, in on the gangly young man sprawled on the examination table.

Doctor: So, how’s college going? Haven’t seen you for a while.

Son: Great, I really like it. Everything’s good.

Doctor: How’s your asthma been? Have you had any problemas with it at all?

Son: Oh, no. Nothing really. It’s been fine.

Mom: (Silently, to herself) WHAT? Everything’s fine? Is he serious?

Doctor: Really? Nothing at all? Have you needed your inhaler at all since the school year began?

Son: Well yeah, a few times I’ve had to use it but not much.

Doctor: What about the other medicine for prevention? Are you using that?

Son: Just when I have asthma and then for a couple weeks after the symptoms go away.

Doctor: Yeah, I gotta tell you. I see this situation with people your age all the time. It’s really a typical thing with you guys and I want you to pay attention to what I’m going to tell you. You don’t think you need to take your medicine until you have a real problem going on but that’s not how it’s meant to be used. You get away with it for a while because you’re young and have a lot of good lung function but that can change fast and then you can have really serious problems. And believe me, you don’t want that, it’s not a pleasant experience.

As the doctor laid out the facts, clearly and emphatically, Mom listened in awe and wondered where she could erect a statue in his honor. He struck just the right tone and her son listened and took the information in in a way that he hadn’t before. The doctor was bold (You’re probably going to have this for the rest of your life…) but reassuring (…but if you just take one puff per day of the medicine, most likely you won’t have any problems or even much need the inhaler).

And he even got him to see that the blasted achhhh achhh was indeed a real symptom of asthma and not just a little cough. Mom didn’t have to say a thing. She got to melt into the background and watch the magic happen.

Once back in the car, after the doctor had extracted a promise from the young man to take his medicine every day, Mom asked him what he had heard.

Son: Oh, he just basically said that if I take the medicine 90% of the time, I’ll be fine.

Mom: What do you mean 90% of the time? He said every day!

Actually, at one point he HAD said 90% of the time — that idiot. Mom started to rethink the statue idea. Maybe a plaque would be more appropriate. Clearly, that doctor didn’t have adolescents. He didn’t realize that they will always focus on that one piece of information, thrown out without thinking, that fits best with their view of the world.

Oh well, that’s a battle for another day. At least her mission had been mostly successful and she could let go and loosen up a little more.

But as they drove off, she was once again left wondering when, if ever, she would be able to completely stop worrying about her kids. I think I know the answer but she probably wouldn’t want to hear it.

 

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Life Lessons from Albert Einstein*

By Ellen and Rachel on May 23, 2012

#5. “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

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