Not that long ago single, young women worried a lot about getting pregnant. Abortion was illegal and out-of-wedlock pregnancy was characterized by shame and stigma. Then along came the birth control pill, and the Roe v. Wade Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, and everything changed.

These days, many single, young women worry that they will NOT get pregnant – if and when they are ready to try. They worry that the lifestyle choices of their twenties and thirties (career, travel, casual dating) may have pushed them into the land where pregnancy may no longer be a given for them. And some of them are kind of freaking out.

Recently, we received a question from a reader that pretty much sums up how a lot of them are feeling. It really got to us and we wanted to respond:

Dear Mamas,

I turned 27 years old this year. At my annual exam, my doctor not-so-kindly reminded me that if I wanted to have children in the future, I should know that my reproductive health would start to decline at age 30. I don’t currently have a mate that I would consider having children with and I don’t know if I will before my reproductive health begins to decline. I don’t even know if I’ll ever want children in the future. Yet, I worry. Should I freeze my eggs? What are my options? My doctor wasn’t very friendly, and I will be looking for a new one, but I’m just seeking some guidance here.

Stacy

First of all Stacy, I am so sorry about the way your doctor treated you. He blew it. He behaved in a less-than compassionate way and I can only imagine how alarmed you must have felt. But it’s always good to know the truth in a situation like this so that you can wrap your head around it, gain some perspective, and make a plan.

So here are the facts regarding fertility:

• Girls are born with all the eggs they will ever have, unlike boys who will manufacture sperm from the time of puberty until they die. From puberty onward, an egg (sometimes more than 1) is released with each ovulation cycle, and it’s thought that the “ripest,” most viable eggs are released first.
• It is true that once you hit your 30′s your fertility begins to decline. A healthy woman in her 20′s has an 87% chance of getting pregnant over the course of a year. By the time she is 35, her odds of getting pregnant in any given year decrease to 52%.
• A recent study published by the University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland found that by age 30 women have already lost 90% of their eggs and by 40 have only only 3% left.
• According to fertility specialist Sherman Silber, after age 30, a woman has about a 15% chance of getting pregnant in any single ovulation cycle. At 40, the chances that she will conceive on her own, without help, in any given ovulation cycle is about 10%.
• As we age, so do our eggs. In an article for NPR, Dr. Allen Cooperman of Reproductive Medicine Associates of New York says that by 40, 90% of a woman’s eggs are abnormal. These abnormalities can make it more difficult to conceive and increase the likelihood of miscarriage.
• Miscarriage risk also rises throughout the 30s, but slowly. From ages 30 to 34 it’s about 12%. From 35 to 39 it goes up to 18 percent.
• At age 30, the risk of carrying a child with Down syndrome is one in 759. But by the time you hit 35, that risk has increased to one in 302.

So it seems pretty clear that when we’re talking about starting a family, age does matter. But that has always been the case. People do get pregnant in their thirties! I had my first at 30, my second at 33 and my third at 37. How things might play out for anyone in particular will, of course, vary. But knowledge is power and knowing the facts can help you make the best plan for yourself.

But what if you, like Stacy, are already worried and wondering about your future? What are the facts regarding freezing your eggs? To be honest it’s a bit of a mixed bag:

• Thanks to a new flash-freeze method called vitrification, frozen, unfertilized eggs have a much higher rate of survival than before. We have been freezing fertilized eggs for some time but freezing unfertilized eggs is fairly new.
• Due to advances in in vitro fertilization and egg freezing, many women are now able to conceive at older ages. But the procedures are challenging, do not guarantee success, and can be very expensive.*
• According to a report by Jennifer Ludden for NPR, “The whole process — a week of hormones, plus the procedure to collect the eggs — runs $12,000 to $14,000. And because it takes 10 to 20 eggs for a reasonable shot at success, some may need to do this several times. Plus, there are annual storage fees. Then, when you’re ready to use your eggs, you’ll need in vitro fertilization, another pricey procedure. All told, costs can easily exceed $40,000.”
• Unless the freezing is being done because of upcoming cancer treatment, insurance will most likely NOT cover the costs.
• We don’t yet know how long frozen eggs remain viable. The assumption is that those coming from younger women will be okay for years but we really do not know.
• The Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, which sets the guidelines for this new industry, still sees the whole business of freezing and harvesting eggs to be experimental. Not all eggs that are harvested will tolerate the freezing process. And of those that do, not all will fertilize later, when thawed and exposed to sperm.
• They (SART) also say that as far as we know, the babies who have been born using frozen eggs (only 1,000 to 2,000 world-wide) seem to be fine. But they caution that it is still early and hard to tell what the long term effects may be.

So now that you have some of the facts, how do you plan? Well, even though there isn’t anything you can do to slow Father Time, there are things you can do to impact your fertility in a positive way. For example, if you smoke, stop. If you are overweight, lose the extra pounds. And do whatever you can to control stress in your life. All of these actions can slow the loss of fertility.

Try not to worry about whether you will get pregnant one day in the future but do what you can now to increase the likelihood that when you are ready, things can fall into place pretty quickly.

For example: If you know that you really want children someday, don’t waste your time in a relationship with a man (or woman) you would never want to have children with. If the thought of him as a spouse/life partner/father leaves you with questions and concerns, do yourself and him a favor and cut it off. Don’t wait for him to change. He probably won’t and when you start to dream about babies, you may well wish you had acted earlier and found someone more appropriate to be the daddy.

Think about the kind of life you want to have. Be realistic. If you know that you want children some day, work that wish into your plans, realizing that your ability to conceive will get harder as you get older. And if you aren’t sure, keep thinking. Don’t just stick your head in the sand. By the time you pull it out, you may be surprised by the facts that greet you.

If your dream is to be a surgeon/live on a mountaintop in Nepal for 5 years/climb Mt.Everest/run for president, then definitely go for it! Dream big and follow those dreams wherever they lead you.

But at the same time, remember that you are making choices here. And one choice may cancel out another choice. It’s all good as long as you are aware of this and are conscious about what you are choosing.

And don’t forget that if, one day in the future, you can’t get pregnant, adoption and in vitro fertilization are also options to consider.

At the end of the day though, you do the best you can and keep the faith. Live your life as fully as possible and try not to worry about the future. Things usually have a way of working themselves out, regardless of how they might look now.

*For more on the specifics of what’s involved check out this article from Forbes Woman.

What on earth is affluenza? Is it contagious? Is it serious? Well according to PBS, which coined the term and produced an hour-long television show about it, affluenza can be defined as: “1. The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by dogged pursuit of the American Dream.”

Basically, it’s an addiction to materialism — the overwhelming desire for more, more, more.

But what does that have to do with my kid, you might ask? He’s only three-years-old and is more concerned with pursuing the household dog than dogmatically pursuing anything else. Career ambitions? Short-term, we’re shooting for total success in the potty training field and long-term, we’re possibly looking at something involving fire engines.

I know, but it actually does have a lot to do with your kid, and every kid, for that matter. The scary part is that it doesn’t just affect adults. Kids are suffering from it, too — in a big way — and yes, it is serious, and highly contagious as well.

Just pair the affluenza idea with a recent study from San Diego State University and you’ll understand what I mean. Incredibly, they found that the number of teens suffering from anxiety and depression today is five times higher than it was during the Great Depression. Did you get that? And according to an article from Connect With Kids, the experts are pointing to affluenza as a major reason why.

That statistic took my breath away and it should get your attention too, because the trends that appear in the teen set today usually stick around for awhile and then eventually hit the pre-school set a few years later. The patterns and expectations you set up with your children now, while they are little, will last for a long time.

When we launched  this website, we promised to warn you about the inevitable potholes that appear when you least expect them, and hopefully save you some trouble. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, with little ones running around but as a mom and a family therapist, I’m urging you to pay attention, because this is a big one.

So here’s the low-down on this prevalent and frightening virus: what it looks like like, how it gets passed around, and how you can prevent your child from becoming its next victim.

SYMPTOMS:

Many of the kids who were questioned in the study  (regardless of family income), said they needed the latest ipod, iphone, sports car, designer handbag, or $200.00 pair of jeans in order to feel comfortable and “good enough”  about themselves. Several reported buying something they wanted and then lying about its cost to a parent.

They knew they had crossed an important line regarding trust. But with affluenza, one’s sense of self worth gets linked to their possessions. What they own becomes the mark of who they are. Their accomplishments, ideals, families, talents or dreams for the future are not nearly as important as their “things” in determining how they see themselves.

The symptoms present as an obsession with shopping, or constantly comparing what they have with what their friends have. It’s a disease marked by competitiveness and their perception of “personal lack” can result in feelings of shame, anxiety, depression or unworthiness.

This is not, counter to what you might think, an exclusively upper-class disease. Kids from all racial and socioeconomic groups are affected.

CONTAGABILITY:

This one gets passed around very easily and often gets its start at home. Parents beware! Take a step back and look at how you spend money and family resources. Do your purchases tend to be needs or wants? We all like to indulge ourselves once-in-awhile, but a picture is worth a thousand words and guess which one they’re looking at?

They are certainly going to pick up on the behaviors and norms of their buddies in the neighborhood and at school. But that makes it even more important to make sure that at home, you practice what you preach.

TREATMENT:

Affluenza can be successfully treated. The first step is to spot it and call it for what it is. The rest is based on good, old fashioned follow-through. So here’s the plan:

1. Slow down on all the presents. Save them for birthdays and Christmas or Hanukkah. And even then, keep it modest. In a previous article, I mentioned that a large research study had found that 73% (yes, 3 out of 4) of the stuff parents bought their kids were things that the children hadn’t even asked for. The parents bought the stuff simply because they thought their kid might like it. Don’t go there. It can create an addiction and the story of the overindulged child does not end well. The kids in that study grew up deeply resenting their parents, and vowed not to spoil their own children when they became parents.

2. Set limits. If your child does want something, help him figure out how to either wait for it (“Put it on your Christmas list”); save up for it (remember the lay-away plan?); work for it; or forget about it. Remind him that just because he wants something doesn’t mean he gets to have it. And then, stick to your guns.

3. Hold off on giving them their own credit card until they are mature enough to handle it. Many of the kids in the San Diego study had them and spent over their limit on a regular basis. Unless you plan to fund them for the rest of their lives, you had best avoid that trap. That’s not to say they can’t have a credit card when they go to college for books, emergencies etc., but make sure you check it carefully each month and hold them accountable for any unauthorized purchases. And if they abuse it, cancel it.

4. Get them involved in giving back in one way or another. Volunteering in their community or school is a good way to start. This can start very young, with you!

PREVENTION:

There is no vaccine but there is hope. You are their best shot at prevention. And you can make all the difference. How?

1. Family dinnertime. Once again, it comes up as an antidote. Start right away with this habit and keep it going. Make it a priority to eat together at least 4 or 5 times per week. The research is crystal clear in demonstrating the positive effect on behavior, self-esteem, and overall happiness in children.

2. Spend time with your child playing, talking, and goofing around. Institute Family Game Night and “Special Time” and keep it going. The more quality time they spend with you away from the television and computer, the more confident they will feel about themselves.

3. Encourage them to develop their imaginations and become good at something creative that they enjoy. Something, not a hundred things. Maybe it’s music, or art, or fishing, or rock polishing. Just make sure it’s truly something that they like and don’t go overboard with lessons or teachers. Just give them encouragement and opportunity, and help them to develop their hobby or talent over time.

4. Make a pact with your friends to tone down the birthday parties and limit the excess when it comes to bigger and better. Work with your nursery school or P.T.A. to keep it simple when it comes to holiday parties or celebrations at school. And ask any well-meaning but notoriously overindulging grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends not to go overboard on a regular basis.

You can do this. I hope you’ll try. If you need a little more inspiration, keep in mind the wise words of Frank A. Clark: “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” Now that’s something to chew on.

I’m a pacifist. Really. I like the idea of people working things out minus guns, bombs or body armor. But when it came to getting my oldest son to clean up his room, I sometimes put my personal feelings aside and got into the military game myself. Why?

Well, you have to understand that this particular six-year-old was obsessed with every aspect of the army, navy, and marines. Believe me, neither my husband nor I created or pushed his infatuation with the armed forces – we are not a military family and we have no idea why he was so into uniforms and chains of command. But he was definitely smitten with the whole stars-and-stripes thing, big time.

I guess it probably started with a G.I. Joe “action figure” (not doll, mind you) that he got for his birthday. He loved that toy and spent hours with his blocks and Legos outside in the dirt and on the floor of his room building forts and ships, and setting up maneuvers aimed at catching the “bad guys.”

Since I’m a firm believer in the power of imagination, I did encourage this kind of play and took full advantage of his interest in the military to further my own parental goals. “Why not?” I thought. “Might as well enter his world of make-believe and milk it a little.”

So, that’s what I did. Whenever his room got too messy, I joined the Armed Forces and assumed the rank of Colonel. It was the biggest job I could think of, not being too familiar with the whole “who’s who” of the various branches of the service.

I would say, “Hey, your room is a mess and you need to clean it up. But let’s make it fun. Let’s pretend we’re in the army and I’m the colonel and you’re the captain! We’re about to get a visit from the Commander-In-Chief and he’s going to be inspecting all the barracks. Okay?”

His eyes would light up and he would say, “Okay, Mommy.”

Then I would use a deep, serious voice and tell him: “Captain Schrier, I need for you to get these barracks spick and span! The President is making a visit soon and everything must be in order. You’ll have to get your men and women organized, but first this room has to be spotless. Don’t forget, you set the example for those under your command.”

I swear to God, he would stand straight and tall, “at attention,” and not dare to break a smile. This was as close as he could get to the army and he was having a ball.

Next, I would break the huge job down into maybe two smaller ones, like putting all the clothes in the hamper and all the toys in the toy box. I would tell him to “Report to me when you have completed the mission.”

He would salute and answer, “Yes, Sir!” I would salute back, turn, and walk away. In about 10 minutes I would check back and resume my Big Cheese role. Then I would walk slowly around the room, carefully inspecting what he had done.

Assuming it was up to snuff, I would say something like, “Very good work, Captain Schrier. The Commander-In-Chief will be gratified to see your outstanding organizational skills. Next, you need to put away those crayons. Report to me when you have completed that job.”

More saluting and “Ten huts” and “Yes Sir’s” would follow, as I left the room to attend to my other “duties.” I would purposely use words like “gratified” or “organizational skills” to make the whole thing sound more grown-up and official. Since he didn’t know these words yet he would pull me aside and ask about them. “Mommy,” he would whisper, “What does ‘gratified’ mean?” And I would whisper back, “Oh, that means really pleased.” Then we would go back to our roles and carry on.

When the barracks were clean, I would invite him to the Mess Hall for a treat. We would head to the kitchen and celebrate with a plate of cheese, crackers and apples, or a popsicle. Mission accomplished.

This strategy really worked and it not only got the job done, it did a lot more, too. His kid obsession with the military gave him a chance to meet some of his developmental needs through playing “good guys vs. bad guys.” Even though I am not enamored with the idea of guns and war, this kind of play gives kids a sense of control and mastery when they catch the scary guys and put them in jail.

Whether their game is called Cops and Robbers, Witches and Fairies or Army Man, it lets them express the normal feelings of hostility and fear they have about real-life threats in the world and also explore moral concepts like death and killing.

So, that was part of what was going on when he played in the sand with his tanks, guns and soldiers. But when I expanded that activity to include our game of Captain and Colonel, it added another layer.

For starters, it let him engage in a form of play that is exceptionally rich and beneficial. He got to role play, use his imagination and pretend. So even though he was doing a real job in the real world, he and I were also playing pretend together and it was fun.

Next, he was learning how to take a big job that seemed overwhelming and break it into smaller, achievable tasks – an important life skill that needs a lot of practice on the way to mastery. At the end of the game, he always felt very proud of what he had accomplished.

He was also exploring the notion of hierarchy. He was learning what it was like to be part of an organization with different levels of authority. Our game gave him the chance to follow rules and take orders from someone in a position of authority, not unlike that which goes on with a boss, teacher or parent.

And he was also practicing the character trait of accountability. This is really important, because children must learn how to be accountable to others, on the way to learning how to be accountable to themselves. It, like everything else, needs to be learned and honed again and again.

All in all, this was a great, fun game for my little guy despite the other, hidden benefits. When I mentioned to him that I was writing a post about “Colonel and Captain” we both had a good laugh. I asked him whether he had really been having as much fun as he seemed to be way back when.

My now not-so-little son, who is all grown up and studying law said, “Mom, I LOVED that game. You have no idea.”

“Cool,” I thought. “Works for me.” Maybe it can work for you, too!

I loved Rachel’s Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” post last week. I’m sure it hit a nerve with many out there in MOC land. I mean, don’t we all have a few skeletons in the closet that we would rather not have discussed at Sunday night dinner? I suppose it’s inevitable, given the remarkable tendency of youth to act first and think later.

As usual, Rachel was on target. But since it’s such an important topic, I have a couple more thoughts that I wanted to throw into the mix, just to keep you thinking.

Here’s the deal: I, too, am a big fan of honesty and I agree that we owe it to our children (as well as our own personal integrity) to tell them the truth about serious issues that concern them. As Rachel mentioned, you don’t want your child finding out about half siblings or ex-spouses from anyone besides you. And family medical history, discussed when your child is old enough to understand it without becoming unnecessarily frightened by it is, as she said, also important.

But just between you and me, I’m also a big fan of “None of your business!” As children get into the school-age years and beyond, they become fascinated about what you were like as a kid. Quizzing you on your past can become their favorite sport, especially when their questions might yield some juicy dirt on you or their father. But the benefits of all that honesty may be questionable if you were arm wrestled into spilling your guts before you felt that you were ready to go there.

Most importantly, don’t feel compelled to bare your soul and air your laundry just because they ask you to. In every healthy family a hierarchy exists with the parents at the top — hopefully, that is. A boundary is there to separate you from them and it exists for an important reason. You and your children are not peers and you are not meant to be friends. It’s just that simple.

You have the right to decide when and if you want to share information about your personal life – past or present. If you feel they are old enough to receive it in such a way that it will help them with their own life, then fine. It can serve a powerful purpose. If, on the other hand, it doesn’t have anything to do with them, sharing it serves no real purpose, or you simply feel uncomfortable talking about it with them, then you would be wise to keep your mouth shut.

I have found that a simple, “I’m really not comfortable sharing that information with you now. Why do you want to know?” helps clarify that while my business is private I am open and available to talk to them about whatever is on their minds. If they persevere, you can be a little more direct and counter with, “This is really none of your business, honey. When you are older I may choose to have this conversation with you, but not now.”

Children need to learn that they do not have control over you and that they do not get to dictate what information is shared with them.

Another thing to keep in mind is that those nosy questions about sex, drugs and alcohol can provide the perfect segue into a less personal but still powerful conversation that deters them from throwing caution to the wind. A great approach is to answer their questions about YOU as described above, but then add, “Did I ever tell you what happened to a good friend of mine…?”

At that point, you will have their full attention and can use the opportunity to relate the scary, tragic story of your high school friend who was killed by a drunk driver, or went into a drug-induced psychosis while experimenting with drugs in middle school or had a roofie slipped into her drink at a college party and narrowly escaped being raped.

These are all true stories that happened to kids I knew while growing up. Being able to share them with my own kids when the time was right proved invaluable in getting them to consider the consequences of risky behavior without giving them a dry, boring lecture. We all know some of these stories and can use them effectively, when appropriate, to get our kids thinking in a way they might not otherwise.

So that’s it for me. Hope our two takes on the issue of disclosure gave you some ideas on how to navigate this minefield. Please feel free to add your own ideas here. We would love to hear them.