Although this post was originally published four years ago, it bears another look. Why? Because recently, a 16 year old whose blood alcohol was almost three times over the legal limit, stole his dad’s car and plowed into four people, killing them all. His attorney pleaded that he should not be held accountable for their deaths. And the judge agreed. Why? Because the young man suffers from affluenza. Yep, that happened.

What on earth is affluenza? Is it contagious? Is it serious? Well according to PBS, which produced an hour-long television show about it, affluenza can be defined as: “1. The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by dogged pursuit of the American Dream.”

Basically, it’s an addiction to materialism — the overwhelming desire for more, more, more.

But what does that have to do with my kid, you might ask? He’s only three-years-old and more concerned with pursuing the household dog than dogmatically pursuing anything else. Career ambitions? Short-term, we’re shooting for total success in the potty training field and long-term, we’re possibly looking at something involving fire engines.

I know, but it actually does have a lot to do with your kid, and every kid, for that matter. It doesn’t just affect adults. Kids are suffering from it, too — in a big way — and yes, it is serious and highly contagious.

Just pair the affluenza idea with a recent study from San Diego State University and you’ll understand what I mean. Incredibly, they found that the number of teens suffering from anxiety and depression today is five times higher than it was during the Great Depression. Did you get that? And according to an article from Connect With Kids, the experts are pointing to affluenza as a major reason why.

That statistic took my breath away and it should get your attention too, because the trends that appear in the teen set today usually stick around for awhile and then eventually hit the pre-school set a few years later. The patterns and expectations you set up with your children now, while they are little, will last for a long time.

When we launched  this website, we promised to warn you about the inevitable potholes that appear when you least expect them, and hopefully save you some trouble. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, with little ones running around but as a mom and a family therapist, I’m urging you to pay attention, because this is a big one.

So here’s the low-down on this prevalent and frightening virus: what it looks like like, how it gets passed around, and how you can prevent your child from becoming its next victim.

SYMPTOMS:

Many of the kids who were questioned in the study  (regardless of family income), said they needed the latest ipod, iphone, sports car, designer handbag, or $200.00 pair of jeans in order to feel comfortable and “good enough”  about themselves. Several reported buying something they wanted and then lying about its cost to a parent.

They knew they had crossed an important line regarding trust. But with affluenza, one’s sense of self worth gets linked to their possessions. What they own becomes the mark of who they are. Their accomplishments, ideals, families, talents or dreams for the future are not nearly as important as their “things” in determining how they see themselves.

The symptoms present as an obsession with shopping, or constantly comparing what they have with what their friends have. It’s a disease marked by competitiveness and their perception of “personal lack” can result in feelings of shame, anxiety, depression or unworthiness.

This is not, counter to what you might think, an exclusively upper-class disease. Kids from all racial and socioeconomic groups are affected.

CONTAGABILITY:

This one gets passed around very easily and often gets its start at home. Parents beware! Take a step back and look at how you spend money and family resources. Do your purchases tend to be needs or wants? We all like to indulge ourselves once-in-awhile, but a picture is worth a thousand words and guess which one they’re looking at?

They are certainly going to pick up on the behaviors and norms of their buddies in the neighborhood and at school. But that makes it even more important to make sure that at home, you practice what you preach.

TREATMENT:

Affluenza can be successfully treated. The first step is to spot it and call it for what it is. The rest is based on good, old fashioned follow-through. So here’s the plan:

1. Slow down on all the presents. Save them for birthdays and Christmas or Hanukkah. And even then, keep it modest. In a previous article, I mentioned that a large research study had found that 73% (yes, 3 out of 4) of the stuff parents bought their kids were things that the children hadn’t even asked for. The parents bought the stuff simply because they thought their kid might like it. Don’t go there. It can create an addiction and the story of the overindulged child does not end well. The kids in that study grew up deeply resenting their parents, and vowed not to spoil their own children when they became parents.

2. Set limits. If your child does want something, help him figure out how to either wait for it (“Put it on your Christmas list”); save up for it (remember the lay-away plan?); work for it; or forget about it. Remind him that just because he wants something doesn’t mean he gets to have it. And then, stick to your guns.

3. Hold off on giving them their own credit card until they are mature enough to handle it. Many of the kids in the San Diego study had them and spent over their limit on a regular basis. Unless you plan to fund them for the rest of their lives, you had best avoid that trap. That’s not to say they can’t have a credit card when they go to college for books, emergencies etc., but make sure you check it carefully each month and hold them accountable for any unauthorized purchases. And if they abuse it, cancel it.

4. Get them involved in giving back in one way or another. Volunteering in their community or school is a good way to start. This can start very young, with you!

PREVENTION:

There is no vaccine but there is hope. You are their best shot at prevention. And you can make all the difference. How?

1. Family dinnertime. Once again, it comes up as an antidote. Start right away with this habit and keep it going. Make it a priority to eat together at least 4 or 5 times per week. The research is crystal clear in demonstrating the positive effect on behavior, self-esteem, and overall happiness in children.

2. Spend time with your child playing, talking, and goofing around. Institute Family Game Night and “Special Time” and keep it going. The more quality time they spend with you away from the television and computer, the more confident they will feel about themselves.

3. Encourage them to develop their imaginations and become good at something creative that they enjoy. Something, not a hundred things. Maybe it’s music, or art, or fishing, or rock polishing. Just make sure it’s truly something that they like and don’t go overboard with lessons or teachers. Just give them encouragement and opportunity, and help them to develop their hobby or talent over time.

4. Make a pact with your friends to tone down the birthday parties and limit the excess when it comes to bigger and better. Work with your nursery school or P.T.A. to keep it simple when it comes to holiday parties or celebrations at school. And ask any well-meaning but notoriously overindulging grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends not to go overboard on a regular basis.

You can do this. I hope you’ll try. If you need a little more inspiration, keep in mind the wise words of Frank A. Clark: “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” Now that’s something to chew on.

The experts talk a lot about the power of peer pressure and how to help kids resist its pull as they enter adolescence. We are taught that the peer group has a remarkable and sometimes frightening ability to sway our kids away from the path they know to be right – the one we work so hard to keep front and center in their lives.

But what doesn’t get discussed nearly as much is how peer pressure and the tendency to go along with the crowd continues through life and can defeat us when we become moms and dads.

A case in point: Shannon, the mother of two boys from Portland, wrote that she was upset and confused by something that had happened with a couple moms in her son’s class. Billy, Shannon’s fourth grader, was invited to a sleepover party by a known troublemaker and overall bad influence. She said no to the invitation and her son accepted her answer without much of a fuss.

Later that week she got talking to a couple other moms in the school parking lot. Neither of them wanted their kids go to the party either. They all agreed that based on past experience, it would be poorly supervised and fertile ground for trouble.

Shannon told them that she had said no and encouraged them to do the same given their strong reservations. After some discussion, they were all on board. But the next thing she knew, the moms had changed their minds and their kids were going to the party. It wasn’t that they couldn’t say no to their kid, they couldn’t say no to their friend.

The two moms confessed that they were afraid of the upset and conflict that might arise if they declined the invitation. They decided to just go along with it and hope for the best.

When Shannon asked why they didn’t just bow out gracefully, claiming a previous commitment, they were aghast. “I won’t tell a lie!” was the response. Putting their kids in a situation they knew was neither safe nor healthy seemed like a better choice.

Even though Shannon had stuck to her guns and done what she felt was right, she ended up feeling isolated and “out.” Then she began to question whether she was being overly protective since all the other mothers seemed to be okay with it – even though in her gut, she knew she was right. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

In this situation there are actually two things going on: the pressure to follow along with our peers and the tendency to avoid conflict at all costs. Women in general often feel uncomfortable making waves, not because they are biologically wimpier than men but because they are socialized to be accommodating. Thankfully, this is changing and girls today are more comfortable being assertive. But many adult women still struggle with this.

Let’s face it: whether we are 16 or 70, we all want to fit in. We all want friends. But once those kiddies show up in our lives, the cost of not being able to fight the pressure to go along with the crowd skyrockets. It’s no longer just the effects on us that we have to worry about if we lower our standards and bow to the group. Now we have to consider how our actions will impact the safety and well-being of our kids.

Some of the more common parental-peer-pressure-traps that snare us every day include:

• Letting kids go to parties or activities that are inappropriate or where supervision is questionable because our friends do.
• Giving parties where rules are lax or non-existent because our friends do.
• Letting teenagers drink or smoke pot at our homes because the other parents do.
• Allowing girls to wear makeup or sexy clothing when they are too young because our friends do.
• Letting kids have computers and T.V.’s in their rooms because our friends do.
• Bending our own rules when we are around parents who have looser ones.

The thing to acknowledge is that we don’t always make bad parenting decisions simply because we have a hard time saying no to our kids. Sometimes it’s more that we don’t want to be odd (wo)man out with the other moms.

So how can you get more comfortable about following your own moral compass despite the influence of your peers? Start by paying attention to your feelings when you get into situations like this. If you begin to feel uncomfortable with what is being discussed, take notice. Check whether concerns about being different are causing you to question yourself and your values. Are they making it more likely that you will let others dictate what’s going to happen?

One of the best things to do is to take a good look at the other parents in your life and figure out which ones seem to be most on track and responsible when it comes to parenting. Wean out the ones who are constantly in crisis or who seem to make decisions that are inappropriate or irresponsible. A person who might have been a perfectly acceptable friend before you had kids might not be such a good fit now. Don’t forget: your peers matter! Surround yourself with good influences and depend on them for support.

In order to stand up for your own ideals, you don’t need to make a stink, you don’t need to shout, or to pass judgement. You must, however, learn to be discerning – to figure out what’s right for you and your family - and to stick to that truth calmly and courageously. You can definitely learn how to channel your “inner mama bear” and do what’s best for your children despite the potential social impact on you.

This is not a skill that can be learned overnight, but it can be practiced every day. And sometimes, if you follow your gut and do the unpopular thing, you are going to feel the sting of being the outsider. And that’s okay. You can do it anyway.

I would love to hear stories on this topic from you. Let us know how you’ve handled this kind of thing in your own life. Please share!

Kids, kids, kids — wonderful, fabulous and absolute frikkin’ masters at the parental tune-out. Have you noticed? But WHY do their eyes glaze over and drift off to some faraway place whenever you offer that brilliant nugget of wisdom that would solve their lastest problem? Why dont they GET that you have oodles of hard-earned advice to share? Shouldn’t they be sitting at your feet, eagerly awaiting your next life lesson?

Well, not so much, if they are over 10. It’s a shock, I know, when the adorable little munchkin who has seen you as the smartest person in the world suddenly goes rogue and raises a suspicious eyebrow whenever you open your mouth to speak. It happens.

Not their fault, not your fault. It’s been that way forever. Part of it is that they have to learn how to work things out on their own and part of it is sheer stubbornness. Despite the fact that you do, in fact, have much to teach (and they have much to learn), once they hit those pre-teen years, they resist. Until they enter their twenties they will never again be fully convinced that you know what you’re talking about, regardless of the topic.

But take heart. I have a strategy that you can use to help get your all-important point across. Your message will be delivered quickly and easily and your kids will go away remembering it and quoting it themselves later to friends and siblings alike.

How does it work? The secret lies in keeping it short and sweet. Think for a minute. When some urgent piece of information needs to be communicated right away, what do we do? If you’re out to sea and run into trouble, you send an SOS. Not too long ago we got the word out with a telegram. Today we send text messages and receive urgent public news through bulletins that slide across the bottoms of our T.V. screens.

The thing they all have in common is that they are short and to the point. No long letters or 25 page reports. And that’s why adages, or old sayings, work so well with kids. They cut to the chase, stick in the mind, and get chewed on later. The wisdom, presented metaphorically, sinks in slowly and effectively. Plus, they have an air of authority to them and make you look like you know something your kid doesn’t.

Paul McCartney, famous for his work ethic, talks about how his dad doled out a favorite expression, “Do it now!” when he was growing up. It was later shortened to DIN and McCartney says that little saying was always working in the back of his mind and has stayed with him.

My parents had a few that they relied on to get their point across and I’ve passed them on to my kids, too. They can be surprisingly effective but must be used appropriately and repeated often. So next time you find yourself deep in the trenches, going head to head with an unreceptive child, try something a little different. Give your speech as usual but seal the deal by tacking on an old-time saying at the end. Next time, the adage alone may be sufficient.

There are hundreds to choose from. Here’s just a sampling:

If, for example, you typically try to get help and cooperation along these lines: ”You guys need to get in here right now and help out with the dishes! Im sick of being the only one who….” You could substitute: ”Many hands make light work.”

Or, if you want to get a professional procrastinator off his behind and on the job you could try, “The early bird catches the worm” instead of, “If you don’t get off that couch right now you are not going to be able to…..”

When junior comes to you proclaiming his innocence and blaming his brother/sister/friend for the fight/problem/whatever, you can listen sympathetically but then hit him with: “It takes two to tango.”

If you’ve got one who is forever making and breaking promises you can enlighten him with “Actions speak louder than words.”

A habitual complainer can be helped out of her rut with, “Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”

For a teenager who doesn’t feel he needs to work too hard looking for summer employment because his best friend’s dad has a hardware store and will “definitely” give him a job try, “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

When you’ve got one who’s in the dumps dealing with a tough disappointment try, “Every cloud has a silver lining” or “This too shall pass” or “When one door shuts, another one opens.”

In order to promote hard work and perseverance you can go with, “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.”

If your child is famous for pulling it off at the last minute you might throw out, “Failing to plan is planning to fail” when he tells you he’ll start the 10 page report that’s due Monday on Sunday morning.

I hope you will find a way to work these in to your Mom Talks. They do have a sticky quality to them and work their magic behind the scenes when no one’s watching.

Here are some more gems to contemplate. There’s at least one for every parenting situation you can imagine!

When the going gets tough the tough get going.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.

A poor workman always blames his tools.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

A stitch in time saves nine.

Don’t put off till tomorrow what can be done today.

You cant judge a book by its cover.

Better safe than sorry.

Charity begins at home.

Don’t burn your bridges behind you.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

If a job is worth doing, it is worth doing well.

Into each life some rain must fall.

Little strokes fell great oaks.

Where there’s a will there’s a way.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

There’s a time and place for everything.