Browse: Home / Mama to Mama Blog

“Food” Advertising: Their Tricks Are For Kids

By Ellen Schrier on August 30, 2010

The first day of school has come and gone for some of you and will be here in no time flat for the rest. And with it comes those inevitable trips to the grocery store for snacks and staples to feed the troops at home and send along in lunch boxes to school. I know you’re swamped right now gathering all the back-to-school basics and trying to figure out how to squeeze in one more chore before you melt into a puddle at the end of the day.

So I am going to keep it short and sweet this week and simply draw your attention to an article from Health Magazine about the low-down tricks that many food and beverage companies across the country are attempting to play on you and yours.

It turns out that they spend well over a billion dollars each year just trying to get your kid’s attention. That’s right — over a billion bucks! Their plan is to grab the attention of the most innocent people on the planet, snag them in their trap and then get them to harass you into buying their pure sugar/high fat/no nutritional value what-so-ever products.

And guess what? It’s working. But how do they do it? Simple. They buy licensing rights to the images of popular television and movie characters and then get someone in their advertising department to come up with a cute picture of whatever character is hot at the moment. Then they smack that picture on the front of their pure sugar/high fat/no nutritional value what-so-ever products and let nature take it’s course.

Fast forward to 5 P.M on a crazy weeknight when you are scrambling around the market with little ones in tow, desperate to pick up a few things you can put together for dinner before you head out to that P.T.A. meeting at 7.

Suddenly your little darling notices his hero Shrek plastered across the front of a box of Hostess Twinkies With Green Ogre Filling. Who knew Shrek made Twinkies? And with green ogre filling, no less? Since the boxes are typically placed kid height on the shelves in order to catch the eyes of the small-fry set, your little monster is sure to spot them right away. No coincidence there.

Oh, and since each Twinkie “treat”  contains a whopping 5 grams of fat, 19 grams of sugar and 145 calories, that special ogre filling may have your child looking like Shrek in no time flat. I wonder if they get childhood diabetes in The Kingdom of Far Far Away?

Next thing you know they have the Shrek Twinkies, Darth Vader Pop Tarts, Hulk Oreos or Spiderman Pringles clutched tightly in their hot little hands and won’t let go. A battle ensues. You fight hard but you’re tired and they promise to be good and helpful and quiet if they can just have THESE. Your kid wins. The junk comes home and gets consumed quick as you can say Sponge Bob Square Pants. And now they’re hooked. Mission accomplished.

This obnoxious ploy is carried out deliberately with a great deal of planning and forethought by these food and beverage giants. The characters look so friendly and fun and innocent that it’s hard to imagine that what’s in the box could be so bad for your child’s health. But don’t forget that looks can be deceiving and you can’t judge a book by its cover. Those old cliches were created for a reason. There is truth to them.

So beware out there. Take the time to really think about what you are buying. Have a plan mapped out in advance regarding the purchase of snacks that are yummy but better for your children. Don’t let Madison Avenue control your kids, your food budget or you.

To see the full list called out by Health Magazine click here. By the way: maybe that Shrek dude is not such a loveable pal after all  – he’s featured on 3 out of the 10 products mentioned.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | 1 Response

Adventures in DNA Land

By Rachel Zahn on August 23, 2010

There it was, sitting on my kitchen counter. A deceptively simple kit containing a small plastic tube with a screw-on top and a well-padded return envelope. All I had to do was spit in the tube and send it back, then wait for the world of information they promised. But I hesitated. Glancing at that tube made me oddly anxious.

A few months ago, an irresistible offer arrived by email. It was from Ellen, who was letting me know that 23andMe, one of the companies making home DNA kits, was practically giving away their deluxe genetic testing package — usually priced at $499 — for $99. One day only.

Wow, how great is that?! I’ve always been fascinated by genetics, and here was my chance to play in the sandbox without making a big investment. In the time it takes for a few impulsive clicks of the mouse I ordered the kit without thinking much about the consequences. It wasn’t until after I clicked on buy now that I went back to check out what I’d gotten myself into.

The 23andMe home page reads … Know yourself. At a molecular level. Take a journey of self-discovery. With one simple test you can explore the mystery of your own genes. You’ll learn what your genes say about your traits and learn about your disease risks.

Which begs the question, do we really want to know?

It turns out that 23andMe tests for carrier status of a slew of gene mutations, including those associated with breast cancer, cystic fibrosis, sickle cell disease, Tay-Sachs, and that’s just the beginning. Based on variations in your DNA they will determine your relative risk of developing a list of common health conditions, like diabetes and heart disease. And your risk of passing those on to your children. They use that same genetic profile to predict your response to a variety of drugs and medical treatments. As the web site says … state-of-the-art science at your fingertips.

Between the time I ordered the test and the afternoon I spent staring at it on my counter top, lots had happened. The Food and Drug Administration, concerned about the accuracy of test results for consumers, warned the genetic test makers (including 23andMe) that they must submit their products for review.  Officials became concerned when 23andMe reported that a laboratory mistake had caused up to 96 of its customers to receive genetic test results about someone else. Walgreens, a huge drugstore chain, scrapped plans to sell the tests marketed by another maker.

But I had paid my $99, and figured I could take anything they told me with a healthy dose of skepticism and the added benefit of a medical education, so I swallowed my anxiety and mailed off my vial of saliva. Results were expected by email in 6-8 weeks. As it turned out, they would come much sooner than that.

Things got even more interesting. I read a thought-provoking article about home genetic testing on CNN.com and commented online that I had just sent in my own test sample and was waiting for results. The next day, Elizabeth Cohen, CNN’s senior medical correspondent, called to interview me about the experience.

While I was already having doubts about this foray into my genetic mysteries, her questions stopped me in my tracks.

What, specifically, was I hoping to learn?

How might the information change my lifestyle and habits?

If I learned I was at significant risk of developing a serious condition, what would I do?

Had I told my children I was doing the test?

If I learned I was the carrier of a mutation associated with a known condition, would I tell them? Under what circumstances?

Did I plan to have them tested?

What about my husband?

They were great questions, and it felt very different to have to answer them head on. Read her piece here.

I hung up the phone more confused and anxious than ever. What would I do? How would I react? What would I tell my kids — so far I hadn’t said a word. This thing had taken on a whole new dimension. It wasn’t just a bargain opportunity to satisfy my curiosity anymore, now it required some serious ‘what if …?’ scenarios.

This was about the time I noticed that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It got worse every time I flashed on those results that were going to show up in my inbox any time now.

A few days later I opened my email and there they were. From: 23andMe. Subject: Your Results. A rush of adrenalin. Then I double clicked and logged in (try remembering your password under that kind of pressure).

23andMe organizes the results into ‘My Health’ and ‘My Ancestry’. My Health, the part that had my heart racing, is further divided into ‘Disease Risk’, ‘Carrier Status’, and ‘Drug Response’ (less important to me). I clicked on Disease Risk and could barely focus. There were two lists, each with about 20 well-known health conditions. One list was called Elevated Risk (in bold red), the other Decreased Risk (in bold green).

I don’t think I was breathing as I went down the list feeling terrified and stripped naked. Totally vulnerable. My medical knowledge was entirely worthless. OMG! Colorectal cancer, heart attack, and melanoma were all on the increased risk list. Osteoarthritis, multiple sclerosis, and esophageal cancer were on the decreased risk list, but so what, since those other things were going to kill me, and probably soon.

After I calmed down and got the rational side of my brain back, I looked closer. It turned out that the increased risk they were talking about wasn’t much of a big deal after all. The average risk of heart attack across the general population is 7.4%. My risk is 8.2%. Melanoma? Average risk, 1.7%. Mine, 2.4%. And on and on. Not much news there, as the increases and decreases in risk were small, and they pretty much balanced out.

I moved on to Carrier Status and was faced with another list of genetic mutations I apparently don’t have. So far so good. But then I saw a box that sent me right back into panic mode. They were asking for my consent to view the results for two common BRCA variants — the ones responsible for many familial cases of breast cancer. I immediately assumed that if I needed to consent, it must mean I have it. Otherwise, they’d just list it along with the rest. They were making sure I wanted the bad news.

I stared at that consent tab for the longest time.  No women in my family had had breast cancer, as far as I knew. It didn’t make sense. But I was already planning the heartbreaking conversation I’d have with Daughter, and when and if I’d want her to be tested. Before I picked up the phone to call my doctor and request an advanced breast imaging study, I covered my eyes and clicked ‘consent’.

Variant absent. That’s what it said. That means I don’t have the mutation, and I’m not a carrier. But I had to consent to know that. I felt huge relief mixed with something else. Anger? Frustration that I had been in terror of that little consent tab for no reason? In some ways, it seems like what I was feeling at that moment summed up the whole experience. State-of-the-art science at your fingertips. At what cost?

One last result was interesting, if not ironic. Alcohol dependence is on the list of my ‘decreased risk’ conditions. Apparently I have a genetic marker associated with reduced incidence.

But I am the child of two alcoholic parents, which the research shows puts me at five times greater risk than those without alcoholic parents. Does that mean the test is wrong? No. Alcoholism, like so many of the conditions tested for, is multi-factorial. Genetics plays a role, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.  Lucky for me, I didn’t get the double whammy of a genetic predisposition PLUS environmental risk. But seeing the genetic results alone could be misleading and dangerous. For me, being aware of my risk is important for prevention.

Full disclosure: 23andMe offers a ton of information on their website. They go into articulate scientific detail about the meaning and interpretation of the results. They offer genetic counseling services and plenty of other resources to explore the world of your personal genetics. It’s fascinating and nuanced.

But is it a good idea? How prepared are we really to handle the unfolding of our DNA? I got some interesting information, sure, along with an unhealthy case of anxiety.  What if my results had been more ominous? What if they predicted consequences for the health of my kids? Were my curious clicks worth the price tag? Honestly, I don’t know.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Tagged , , | Leave a response

Turn Off The Computer And Get On The Phone!

By Ellen Schrier on August 16, 2010

Back in the day, when kids approached adolescence they would start spending countless hours gabbing away on the telephone. By the time they hit their teens it was practically impossible to get them off. The telephone was THE main social connector and the dream-of-dreams for most kids 12 and up was to have one tucked away from prying ears in their bedroom. If you were a girl, you probably coveted that little princess model.

Since most families had but one line, competition for the telephone was fierce, especially if you had a bunch of siblings to contend with. Parents grumbled and complained about the amount of time their adolescents spent giggling, whispering, and sometimes crying into the phone with girlfriends and boyfriends alike.

Since there was no voice mail, no answering machine, and no call-waiting, Mom and Dad probably missed quite a few calls of their own while their teens were holed up in a closet or hallway for hours, cord pulled to the busting point, straining to get a little privacy and the latest news.

“Get off that phone this minute or you’re going to be in big trouble!” was a familiar parental rant, but truth be told the telephone was (and is) a fantastic tool — possibly one of the best for helping kids master some of the important tasks of adolescence.

The teen years are all about finding an identity that is separate from one’s family and adolescents try on all sorts of different hats on the way to discovering who they are. Up until the time when their voices start to crack or their breasts begin to bud, kids derive their strength, values and views of themselves and the world from their families — particularly their parents.

But as their bodies and minds begin to morph into what will eventually become adults they start to look outside of their home for clues about who they are and what they truly think and believe. They struggle to gain a sense of independence and competence so that they will be able to make it in the adult world.

As a result, the peer group gains supreme status and finding a way to fit in and compete becomes central to their lives. They get there through a lot of practice and experimentation but there are so many tasks to master — and all within a few short years.

One of their biggest tasks is to learn how to interact with their peers in a more adult way. They must develop a set of social skills that they can rely upon to help them make friends and see them through the stickiest of social situations. They are learning how to stand up for themselves and what they believe in; who to trust; how to ask for help and how to deal with disappointment.

They have to learn to accept their new bodies — warts and all. If they are too tall or too short, have a big nose or a pimply complexion it can be rough and can undermine their sense of self confidence.

As if that weren’t enough, adolescents must also figure out how to deal more maturely with conflict — like how to resolve a fight or manage a disagreement — and also how to get up the nerve to talk to the boy or girl who makes their heart go pitter-patter.

Frankly, I get exhausted just thinking about all they have to accomplish! No wonder they can be so grouchy and feel the need to hide out alone in their rooms sometimes.

When you think about it, they must change themselves from children to grown-ups and there is a lot of trial and error along the way. For years adolescents have one foot in each world and it’s as confusing to them as it is for us.

But this is where the telephone can come in handy. When a teen or tween is talking to a friend about a difficult subject, she can practice reading between the lines of what is being said. She can learn to recognize how a persons tone of voice or brief hesitation before answering adds meaning to what he or she is saying.

She (or he) can practice talking to someone of the opposite sex without worrying about whether her face is red or her palms are sweaty. She can try out being a little bossy or confrontational or, on the other hand sweet and sensitive without fear of being overheard or laughed at. She can open her heart and her feelings while pacing the room or squeezing shut her eyes. And there is great comfort in knowing she can hang up if it gets too weird or too hard.

This is tough stuff to do and the beauty of the telephone is that it allows adolescents to practice it all without the intensity that goes along with a face-to-face interaction. It provides a little bit of emotional and psychological protection while they are learning to build good social skills and develop meaningful relationships with their friends.

It doesn’t work the same with the computer or text messaging though. There are good things about both of those inventions for sure but nothing beats the good old-fashiioned telephone when it comes to building social skills and practicing more grown-up behavior.

It’s tempting to give in when your kids want to communicate using the latest gadgets around. You might figure that this is just the way it is now, end of story. But I would ask you to think twice especially while your children are pre or young teens.

When my daughter was in eighth grade we began to realize that she was spending a fair amount of time IM-ing (instant messaging) her friends when she was supposed to be doing her homework. It became clear pretty quickly that this was NOT a good thing either for her schoolwork and concentration skills or her friendships.

So we decided to disable it. She was pretty angry at first and accused us of not wanting her to have a social life. But we countered that the opposite was true: we DID want her to have a social life but that meant she had to develop real relationships with friends one at a time.

The IM thing (and email and text messaging) doesn’t allow for that. Instead it can put them in a kind of situation where they end up behaving in ways that they never would if they were one-on-one.

Worst case scenario is that they say things they don’t mean, misinterpret what is said to them, or find themselves involved in hurting someone’s feelings as things heat up and spiral out of control. Best case scenario is that they simply miss out on the opportunity to learn how to communicate effectively with sensitivity and polish.

And once posted, their words (good or bad) are out there forever. The internet does not discriminate and it’s very easy for an angry or upset teen to hit “send” and instantly distribute the conversation all over the planet.

So I want to encourage you to encourage your teen to get off the computer and pick up the phone and call a friend instead. Advise her not to text, email or g-chat when she’s got something important to say. Urge her to take advantage of Alexander Bell’s amazing invention to learn about tone of voice with all it’s fine distinctions and to get comfortable with having those difficult but all-important conversations aloud.

You will be doing a lot to help your kids face and master some of the daunting tasks of adolescence and they will thank you for it later. Promise.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Leave a response

How to be a ‘Kid Whisperer’

By Rachel Zahn on August 9, 2010

You know how inspiring it can be to watch Cesar Millan work his magic with dogs, or see Buck Brannaman (the real-life Robert Redford character in The Horse Whisperer) soothe an unmanageable horse. It’s almost as if there’s some magic connection that you can’t see or hear. You know it’s there, but it transcends the physical events taking place. Man and animal truly get each other on an unfathomable level. And, as a friend of mine who hired Cesar to cure her damaged pup confirmed, it’s not transferrable.

Though you may not share the animal magic of those two guys, I’m here to tell you that you can cultivate it with your kids — and with other people’s kids, too. I’m not talking about the discipline, alpha dog part — that’s a topic for another day. I’m talking about how to create a connection with children that will make you a natural kid magnet. Here are 6 simple tools to help get you there.

SMILE — a lot. A smile opens up your face. Then it goes one step further and opens up your heart to invite kids in. Have you ever been in line at the market behind a baby in a cart while Mom is busy checking out the groceries and kidlet is busy checking you out? Give that kid a big ol’ goofy grin and nine times out of ten he’ll grin back. You’ve hooked him, and from that moment on until Mom rolls the cart out of sight, his eyes are likely to stay locked on yours. He may even kick off a game of hide ‘n seek (eyes open, eyes closed, because if he can’t see you he assumes you can’t see him). All because of a smile.

I’ve fallen in love with scores of kids that way, and I dare say they were feeling it, too.

Some of us have facial expressions that naturally fall into a smiley position, but others don’t. It sometimes takes a bit of practice to make it feel natural. Get in front of a mirror and smile away until it’s real, because you can’t fake it with kids. They can see right through you. And don’t be afraid to look silly. Kids LOVE silly.

Get down to where they are. Imagine how it must feel to always have to look up at big, scary grown-ups. At 5’2″, I have an idea. It can make it hard to feel strong and confident. It can be demeaning, and makes you feel insignificant.

Kneel down and meet them at eye level. That doesn’t mean you always want to look them directly in the eye; some kids are freaked out by that, so feel it out gently at first, but be where they are. They’ll let you know when they’re ready for full-on eye contact.

Long ago, in my former life as a preschool teacher fresh out of college, the school director hired a teacher’s aide with dwarfism. She was short. In fact, she was pretty close to the height of my 4-year-olds. I was consumed with worry about how and if they’d accept her. Would they be confused? Challenge her authority? Have nightmares?

As it turned out, they LOVED her. She was just their size with a self-confidence that was enviable. She melded with the program seamlessly, and after a couple of weeks one little boy asked her, “Miss Debbie, are you a kid or a grown-up?” Priceless.

DON’T do baby talk. Baby talk is for babies (and even that’s a stretch), not for preschoolers or, even worse, children who are small for their age. Try to treat each kiddo as an individual and be as age-appropriate as possible.

No self-respecting child wants to be spoken to in a sing-song tone of voice. Speak as you would to an adult. It sends the message that you take them seriously and recognize their personhood. Say this to your niece, after giving her the most outrageously frilly dress-up dress you could find on the Disney web site: “You are so beautiful in that princess gown! Did you wear it to preschool school again today? I’ll bet everyone loved it”. Not that: “Ooh my boo boo looks so sweet in oodles of pink ruffles! Are you the cutest princess in the whole wide world?” Get the difference?

In this same category — don’t talk about children, as if they’re not in the room, or over them, as if they don’t understand the language you’re speaking. They’re not pets, they’re people.

Respect their personal space. Emphasis on respect. You wouldn’t like it if someone walked up to you and swooped you up off the ground with no warning, and little guys don’t like it either. This does NOT go for your own children of course, who always expect to be handled by you, but applies pretty uniformly to others, particularly those you don’t know well.

Instead, get down on their level (see above) and engage with them first. Once they make eye contact, respond to you, and are pretty comfortable, you’re in a better position to know whether they’d like to be held.

At around 7 months most babies develop some stranger anxiety and don’t particularly like to be held by anyone who’s not in their inner circle. You know this from your own babies. Don’t rush in and grab these little ones out of Mom’s arms, no matter how tempting it is. First, ask if it’s OK … with baby.

Be curious and ask real questions — skip “do you like your teacher?”. It’s not always easy to engage in conversation with someone else’s child. Some are naturally outgoing, while some tend to be shy and hang back, but if you ask questions that demonstrate you really want to hear about them, it creates the space for them to open up. Examples: What’s your doll’s (or stuffed animal’s) name? What’s your favorite book? Would you show me your room? Your best toy? I love spaghetti — what kind of food do you like?

Cultivate a few short (clean) jokes and riddles. The sillier, the better. They’re the perfect ice-breaker with kids. Ask them to share theirs with you and add them to your repertoire.

With your own kids, try to stay away from “how was school today?” The only answer you’re likely to get is … “fine”. Be as specific as you can, and ask about a favorite (or un-favorite) teacher or friend. The goal is to get ‘em talking. The Roses and Thorns game is a good one. Ask your child to describe one good thing that happened and one not-so-good thing. Then you do the same.

See the world through a kid’s eyes. Kidsworld is a magical place, and sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day tasks of parenting that we forget how special and amazing it is. Step back. See the world as if it’s the first time and appreciate the spontaneous beauty, because they surely do.

Fred Rogers, of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood fame, was an expert at this. He stepped effortlessly into that magical world, and kids knew it. If you get the chance, take a look at some old episodes of the show. He was old fashioned and innocent and wise, and children of a certain age were mesmerized by him. Mamas, too.

But then he was a kid whisperer.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Leave a response

Shonda Schilling, the Mamas, and Asperger’s

By Ellen and Rachel on August 2, 2010

We recently had the opportunity to talk with Shonda Schilling, wife of baseball great Curt Schilling, about her new book, The Best Kind of Different: Our Family’s Journey with Asperger’s Syndrome. In it she talks about life with her 10-year-old son, Grant, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s three years ago. We knew that this mama would have something valuable to share with all of us about the disorder that affects so many children throughout the world.

We asked Shonda what made her decide to open up and share her story now. One day, she said, she was at a kids’ baseball draft and there was a particular child who nobody wanted and who didn’t get picked. He was different and it turned out he had Asperger’s syndrome. Shonda understood the pain he was feeling and realized at that moment, “Oh my God, that’s how people see my kid.”

She decided then and there to reach out to the world to explain what Asperger’s is and how it affects a child and a family. She really wanted to shine a light on the subject in the hopes that it would ultimately help people to understand and accept her child and all the others who suffered with the disorder.

MAMAS: First of all, congratulations on your new book! We understand that it’s doing really well.

SHONDA: Oh, thank you so much. Yes, actually I’ve been surprised by how well it’s doing.

MAMAS: Tell us a little bit about Grant, Shonda. We know he has ADHD and Asperger’s, but those things don’t define him. What’s he like?

SHONDA: Well, he gets up every morning, does things that interest him, wears the clothes that he wants to wear, and he’s not afraid about what people are going to think about him. When he talks to a person, he talks directly to them. He’s not telling you what you want to hear, he’s telling you what he really thinks. So his relationships are true.

His biggest issue is that when he does talk to you, he doesn’t understand the social implications of what he’s saying. So he has a hard time knowing when it’s time to be quiet, or when it’s time to listen. So sometimes it kind of looks like he’s overrunning the conversation. And we all remember those kids we knew when we were younger who used to do that, and we thought they were strange.

He also acts like he’s a couple years younger than other kids his age. But these are all things that he can learn, and he is learning how to interact socially, in a more appropriate way.

He doesn’t really know how to lie, either. We call his style “brutally unfiltered honesty.” So if you’re looking at him and asking him if he likes your outfit, you better be ready for the answer.

MAMAS: But in a way, it’s kind of refreshing because you always know where you stand with him.

SHONDA: Absolutely. And instead of saying “Oh my gosh, he’s different! How will I teach him to be like everyone else?” I think, “If I acted the way that he does, I’d be a better person.” He’s real with people, and he’s honest with people, and I love that. You see the impact of something as simple as kindness and honestly on people, and it makes you want to be more like that.

MAMAS: Most kids with Asperger’s have one special interest, or one subject that they really like. What is Grant’s?

SHONDA: Sea life. He is a marine biologist in the works. He knows more about Beluga whales than any other child.

MAMAS: That’s so amazing, and what a broad world for him to explore. Are you going to let him learn how to Scuba Dive?

SHONDA: He’s not old enough yet, but yes, definitely. He would love that.

MAMAS: Grant wasn’t diagnosed until he was 7. What was the tipping point for you in getting some clarity about what was going on? Were there behaviors you noticed in him that were different from the ones that you had seen in your other kids–ones that didn’t fit with ADHD? [All four of Curt and Shonda’s children have ADHD.]

SHONDA: I think a lot of kids aren’t diagnosed until later. I think as parents, we kind of see the behaviors and think “Oh, it might be this, it might be that,” and we find reasons to explain it.

But at some level, I knew there was something different, and I kept calling Curt and saying, “I feel it in my bones. There’s something different. He’s just not reacting the way a typical child reacts.” That was sort of the way I knew he was different. For example, my younger son was more mature than Grant. With my younger son, if we were walking through a parking lot, I knew he would stay close to me. But with Grant, I never knew if something would catch his eye and he would run off. So I always felt like I had to keep a hand on him.

MAMAS: How were these behaviors different from things that you would have normally seen with your other kids who had ADHD? Were the behaviors just more extreme versions of the same thing, or were they out-of-the-box all together?

SHONDA: Out-of-the-box, because ADHD is more impulsive behavior. This behavior was him getting locked-in on something. There’s a difference between being impulsive and being locked-in.

MAMAS: You’ve talked about how you went through a mourning period when Grant was diagnosed. Emotionally, what did that feel like for you? Was it like a grief reaction?

SHONDA: I never experienced the grief that goes along with the loss of a child, but it certainly was a grief about losing the child that I had dreamed of him being. And it was hard because I realized that the things I had thought I could give him as a mother weren’t necessarily there anymore. It was going to be a whole different thing.

MAMAS: How did the diagnosis affect you emotionally? How did you cope?

SHONDA: Well, when we got the diagnosis, we were right in the middle of the World Series…It took me a while…It wasn’t until I realized that I needed to get help and reach out and take care of myself that things started to change.

I think for a lot of people when something happens in their family they have to work through it on their own first. I mean, it’s different for everybody. Some people wake up the next day and can reach out, and for other people, they need to take it one day at a time.

MAMAS: That’s true, and some people can’t go there at all for a while.

SHONDA: Yeah, and I think that’s important for people to understand. There’s no timeline that you have to follow, you have to do what’s right for you.

MAMAS: After he was diagnosed, your world must have felt like it was turned upside-down. How did you get back on track? What was the first thing you did to create a new sense of “normal” for your family?

SHONDA: I think education was key, and I also reached out to another mother who I was referred to through the director of the program we were working with. I had her number, but I didn’t call her for three months. I was so afraid that if I reached out, would the response be about me, or about my husband, who had just won the World Series?

And I needed to be treated like a mother. I needed to be understood like a mother. And you know, I wish I had done it months earlier, because that’s what really made the difference.

MAMAS: And people don’t understand that when you face a situation like this, if there’s any kind of celebrity status surrounding you or your family, you can end up feeling even more isolated.

SHONDA: Yes, I felt isolated because of my son’s behavior, and also isolated because of who I was.

MAMAS: How did you break the news to Grant and the rest of your family? Any second thoughts on how you might have done it differently?

SHONDA: Well, we told the older kids first, and they were fine. They cried, but now it all made sense to them. Grant just kind of laughed at me. He said, “It’s just who I am.” It’s kind of funny because in my house, my youngest one is dyslexic, and they kind of tease each other and call each other names. Like one of them will say “So what! You’re dyslexic,” and the other will say “So what! You have Aspergers!”

MAMAS: That’s kind of funny! And it seems like it doesn’t really matter that much to them.

SHONDA: No, it really doesn’t. But some people are really afraid, and they don’t tell their family members that their kid has Asperger’s because they don’t want to label him. But I didn’t see it as labeling him, I saw it as a way for him to be understood.

MAMAS: There’s a difference between labeling and naming. Labeling makes you feel boxed in, but naming something can liberate you and lead you to think, “Oh, now I get it!” It’s a whole different feeling that actually frees you, and then you can start to understand it and come to a place of peace about it.

SHONDA: Yeah, and that’s why one of the first things we wanted to do was to put it in his school record. But people said, “Then he’ll be labeled.” And we said, “Well if they don’t know, how will they be able to help him?”

The kids should be proud of who they are. I mean, it’s who he is. You can’t change it, you can’t medicate it, it’s just who he is. It’s like my son with dyslexia. People don’t have a problem saying, “He’s dyslexic,” because they know that just because he can’t read doesn’t mean he can’t learn how to read. And so Grant will have to learn how to do some things differently, but it doesn’t mean he won’t grow up and get married and have kids.

MAMAS: We were talking yesterday about some of the adults we know who we realize have undiagnosed Asperger’s. And they have obviously gone on to have really successful lives, even without the benefit of a diagnosis in childhood and access to the techniques and strategies that could have helped them when they were younger.

SHONDA: Yeah, that’s hard. And you know the sad part of it is that there are people who didn’t have any support, and were sort of pushed to the side.

MAMAS: How has day-to-day life changed since you found out about Grant’s Asperger’s?

SHONDA: Well there’s no yelling; all the yelling stopped, and that’s made a big difference. And we’re having to deal with the flexibility issue — we’re trying to teach him to be flexible. So I have to be more flexible in my own life.

MAMAS: How has knowing about Grant’s Asperger’s changed your parenting style? Are there strategies or techniques that you have found to be particularly helpful?

SHONDA: Um, it’s deep breaths mostly, and not being so rigid about the way things are supposed to be.

MAMAS: And how about parenting your other kids? We read in another article that your kids have learned a lot about empathy from dealing with this. Is that true?

SHONDA: Yes, because they’re around it. I can give an example with my daughter: She was in a school play, and another kid who was in the play had Asperger’s, and he had missed his line and he got stuck and really upset. And you know, she was the only one that could give him the space that would allow him to come up with it. It was such a gift to him because she was able to help him in such a completely different way. She could really help him to calm down.

MAMAS: That’s so amazing, you must have been so proud of her!

SHONDA: Oh yeah! She can’t do it at home, but…

MAMAS: Yeah, but isn’t that always the case with all kids? They’re great at washing the dishes at somebody else’s house but they never want to do them at home.

Looking back, were there any red flags that you realize you might have missed regarding Grant’s condition? Anything you wish you could go back and do differently?

SHONDA: Oh, absolutely. And there’s a guilt there, too. You know, like being out of patience with him when he had no idea why we were mad at him all the time. It’s something I have to work through every day. And I think that’s why I’m able to have more patience with him now.

I think that’s something that comes up with [Asperger’s] people who are older, who didn’t get diagnosed — they just felt so alone, and they’re angry about how they were disciplined for their behavior.

MAMAS: That’s true. And discipline was used very differently in those days.

Is there any advice you would give to other moms who have recently been given the same diagnosis for one of their children? Any words of wisdom for them?

SHONDA: That no matter what the diagnosis is, you’re going to be okay.

MAMAS: So Grant’s in 4th grade now, right?

SHONDA: Going into 5th grade. I’ve got one more year before things change again.

MAMAS: And he’s still in regular ed? He’s still mainstreamed?

SHONDA: Yes.

MAMAS: Will that change when he goes to middle school?

SHONDA: No, we’re going to keep him mainstreamed as long as we can. And he may be able to go through high school like that, we don’t know. Again, we’re just going with being flexible and keep learning to change.

MAMAS: That’s something we all need to do.

SHONDA: As long as you’re looking for the good instead of the negative — that’s so much of what we have to learn in life.

MAMAS: Well, thank you so much Shonda, you’ve told us a lot and taught us a lot.

SHONDA: You’re welcome. You know, the best part of this is that it gets people talking, and that’s great because that’s how my son will be accepted.

MAMAS: And many other kids too! You might not realize it, but you’re putting a light of understanding on Asperger’s for lots of families, which is so important. Thanks again, Shonda and good luck to you and your family.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON ASPERGER’S SYNDROME VISIT: www.aspergersyndrome.org

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Leave a response

Am I Mom or Doc (or Both)?

By Rachel Zahn on July 26, 2010

Last week I took Daughter, age 16,  to see her pediatrician about a couple of minor problems. She needed a recheck of her mild acne and wanted to discuss possible remedies for the irregular periods that drive her crazy in light of her sports and activity-filled life (yes, she’s given the OK for me to write about this, and thankfully her friends aren’t MamasOnCall regulars).

I try not to diagnose or treat my own family. It’s bad medicine and it’s frowned upon by the profession; the idea being that you can’t be objective about those you love and are likely to miss something and make mistakes. So we headed off to my colleague, who we’ll call Dr. C.

Dr. C. is an excellent clinician. She’s well-trained and thorough, and tends to be somewhat more conservative than I am in her approach. I’ve appreciated the contrast, since, as an out-of-the-box type, it’s good to have the counsel of someone who follows the directions more closely.

While I did my best not to butt in, she made quick work of the refills on acne meds, did a review of D.’s immunization record (up-to-date), and moved on to the discussion about those annoying periods. She was sympathetic and advised patience. After confirming that the situation has improved slightly and is likely to continue in the right direction, she made it clear that, in her view, no further action was needed.

Now D. is a well-read, fairly sophisticated daughter of a physician with lots of fairly sophisticated 16-year-old girlfriends. So she said (with some embarrassment), “What about birth control pills? I’ve heard that if you take them for a short time they can regulate your periods. I’m not sexually active or anything, but it would be really nice to know when to expect my period so I can be prepared.”

Dr. C. looked at me and I looked back, as if to say, “You’re the doctor here. She makes a good point.” After a brief and uncomfortable pause she answered, “I don’t like to put teenagers on birth control pills for … lots of reasons. The most important is that they can cause blood clots and all kinds of other serious side effects. If you’d like, I can refer you to the adolescent OB/GYN, but I would prefer not to prescribe them.”

I was truly surprised as we thanked her and left the office. It was clear that D.’s request made her uncomfortable, and I was pretty sure it had nothing to do with blood clots.

We got to the car and D. turned to me and said, “What was that about? Is that stuff even true? It sounded like she thinks I’m going to run out and have sex if I’m on birth control pills! She didn’t even want to talk about it.”

There’s nothing like putting a mom/doctor on the spot. I had a million thoughts going through my head. Starting with … very insightful, daughter of mine.

Call me naive, but I know my child, and I know she’s not having sex (not yet, anyway), since I’ve done a stellar job of convincing her that boys — with the exception of her dad and brothers — are immature lower life forms. I know she’s driven nuts by random periods, and that’s why she risked embarrassment to raise the question. I know Dr. C. has her own personal judgements about teen sexual activity, maybe based on her religious beliefs, maybe not, but I didn’t know they intruded into the exam room. D.’s request should have led to more questions, and probably the suggestion that I leave the room so they could talk privately.

I also know the risks of oral contraceptives, and they’re not exactly as Dr. C. described them. Yes, the risk of blood clots exists, but it’s exceedingly small in young women on low-dose pills for a short time, especially if they’re non-smokers. They can be very effective at regulating periods pretty quickly — in as little as three months. I prescribed them myself when I was in practice. Not very often, and with close supervision and lots of counseling, because you want to be sure of the purpose. Teens who are sexually active need much more than birth control pills, which don’t protect against sexually transmitted disease or the emotional fallout of early sexuality.

AND I’m thinking I don’t want to trash D.’s respect for Dr. C., who’s a good doctor (even though it’s becoming clear we’ve outgrown her). So I take a deep breath and try to explain …

“Different doctors have different opinions. Dr. C. believes strongly that kids your age shouldn’t be having sex, and that she can impact that by not enabling it, which is how she sees prescribing birth control pills. While you know I agree it’s best to postpone sex until you’re ready for a committed relationship (and that’s another discussion altogether), I DON’T believe that taking birth control pills makes anyone have sex, and I wouldn’t exaggerate the medical side-effects to make the point. So she and I have different approaches. Looks like maybe it’s time to find you a new doctor …”

But afterwards the whole ordeal left me with questions about roles and responsibilities. What does it mean to be a teen’s doctor? Where do your opinions end and theirs begin? How much influence should I have as the mother/doctor? I’ve deliberately taken a back seat, but when do I step in as my child’s advocate? And what if I wasn’t a doctor? Would I accept the professional’s advice without question? How many other teens and mothers are caught in this quandary? And isn’t this a central issue in all doctor/patient relationships?

OK, so this isn’t news. It’s the gray zone between what your doctor knows and what she believes. Between education and opinion. It’s just most starkly outlined when you’re dealing with teens who are in that netherworld between childhood and adulthood. They often don’t get to choose, so we choose for them. But are we truly informed when we make these choices, or are we depending on what our doctor believes? Where does the choice lie? Where should it?

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | 2 Responses

25 Cheap, Fun Summertime Things To Do

By Ellen Schrier on July 19, 2010

Who says that entertaining young children has to be expensive? Not me! Why not give your pocketbook a vacation, too, and go old-school this summer when it comes to playtime? I’ve put together a bunch of fun, cheap ideas to inspire some down-home entertainment for you and your little ones. If you have a gem that I’ve missed, please share the wealth and send it in.

1. Popsicle Pouch – this is the old game of Hot Potato using a zip-lock bag filled loosely with ice cubes instead of a spud. Same rules apply: Sit the kids in a circle and pass the bag around while music plays. When the music stops, the one holding the bag is “out.” Keep the game going longer by making sure the bag has gone around a few minutes before you stop the music.

2. Get a bubble machine, take it outside and let the kids chase after them till they’re tired out. Or, you can make your own bubbles. You will need:

1 pkg. unflavored gelatin

1 cup just boiled water

1 1/2 to 2 oz. glycerin

8 1/2 oz. Johnson’s Baby Shampoo

Stir the gelatin into the water till it dissolves. Mix in glycerin and shampoo. Stir gently. Mix will gel slightly as it cools.

3.Get a subscription to Family Fun Magazine for $10.00 a year (or check them out online). They have tons of game ideas and lots of arts and crafts projects of varying degrees of difficulty that you can do using materials from your own cupboards.

4. Go to the library! Most of them have “Story Time,”  ”Reading Incentive Programs” and other activities for kids.

5. Wash the dog. Yep, it’s a lot of fun to take Fido outside and give him a bath. The more he shakes, the more they laugh. Or, wash the car. That’s fun, too.

6. Make a treat for the birds. Just get a pine cone, slather it with peanut butter, roll it in birdseed and hang it on a tree in your yard. Then keep a log of what kinds of birds come to visit.

7. Get some sidewalk chalk and let your little Picassos create masterpieces on the driveway or sidewalk. Make a hopscotch for them and teach them the game. Play tic-tac-toe or make a road that they can follow on their trikes.

8. Check out a local museum. Target and Bank of America are both sponsoring free museum days this summer. Grab a friend, pack up the kids and some lunch and get a little culture without spending a dime!

9. Have a bicycle parade! Round up some neighborhood kids and moms and let the kids decorate their bikes and trikes with crepe paper streamers on the handle bars and playing cards attached to the spokes. Then have them line up and ride around the block or yard.

10. Start a summer scrapbook. Get a photo album with plastic sleeves and have your child do an “art project” after a day at the beach, the zoo, a birthday party or a nature walk. Collect a few items from those excursions, like a ticket stub, a snapshot, an invitation, leaves, twigs and grass, or a wrapper from an ice cream — anything at all — and use that as a starting place.

You can write a little about the day on a piece of computer paper, they can draw and paste their treasures (and if you’re brave, maybe add some glitter, too), then just stick it in the plastic sleeve. Start at the beginning of summer and keep it going till fall or make it about a specific event, like a trip to Disneyland.

11. Make an indoor tent city. Move some chairs close together and cover them with blankets or sheets. Little kids love to hang out and play inside with their favorite toys or books. You can hear everything that’s going on but they don’t know that. This one is good for MANY years. The older they get, the more time they spend decorating and outfitting the nooks and crannies of their private clubhouse.

12. Make your own Play Dough:

1 cup flour

1 tablespoon of oil

1/2 cup salt

1 cup water

2 teaspoons cream of tartar

food coloring.

Combine flour, salt, cream of tartar in bowl. Gradually stir liquids into dry ingredients. Stir in food coloring or juice (add small amounts at a time). Cook in saucepan over medium heat until a ball forms. Clay will darken slightly when cooked. Remove from heat and knead until smooth. If sticky, cook for a few minutes longer.

Set them up at the table and let them play with a kid-sized rolling pin, a garlic press, cookie cutters, plastic knives (always with supervision), little molds, and anything else you can think of. You can cover the table with a large cutting board or a plastic tablecloth if you want. Lots of fun for pennies.

13.  Play Sardines. It’s like Hide and Seek only in reverse. One person hides while everyone else closes their eyes and counts. Then the seekers spread out to look for the hider. If they find her they hide along with her, packing themselves in like sardines. This keeps going until there is only one seeker left and then that person become the next hider.

14. Set up the plastic kiddie pool, put the hose inside turned on to just a trickle and bring out a bunch of plastic cups, bowls, measuring cups and sand toys. Or if the hose isn’t close, just add a few inches of water to the pool. Put the kids in their swimsuits, add sunscreen, a hat and some water shoes. They will spend hours pouring water from one thing to the other and watching it come out of the hose. If you don’t have a kiddie pool, just use a bucket and fill it with water. But, of course, for safety reasons, you MUST be present at all times whenever water is involved.

15. Have a scavenger hunt. Make a list of easily found nature items like a dead bug, a feather, a flat stone, a leaf with jagged edges. Give your child a brown paper bag, go for a walk and try to find everything on the list. Celebrate later with a popsicle or frozen yogurt.

16. If you have access to a pool buy some rubber pool rings and throw them in while your kids close their eyes (this one assumes your children can swim). Then count how long it takes them to find and retrieve them all (no getting out of the pool to locate them first).

17. Make a cool delicious smoothie. Mix one part orange juice with one part papaya juice and about 6 ice cubes. Top with a little grenadine syrup. Mix it in the blender and serve it with a straw, outside. Have the kids sit back, gaze at the clouds and decide what they look like as they enjoy their drink.

18. Play frisbee golf. Each player needs his own frisbee. Pick a target, like the fence post or the garbage can, and take turns throwing the frisbee to reach the goal. The winner is the one who makes it there in the fewest number of tosses.

19. Play Two Truths and One Lie with your kids and a couple friends. Each player tells two truthful things about herself and one lie. The others must guess which is the lie. This is a good one for the car, too.

20. Go to the beach and make a sand castle. Use any kind of bucket but if you want to go really intense, check out this sand brick builder . Your kids will have a blast making an igloo or a serious looking castle!

21. Set up a small tent in your backyard and let your kids pretend they are deep in the woods camping. They can eat their lunch in there and set things up just as they would if they were on their own in the great outdoors. Allowing your kids the time and space to develop their imaginations is truly the gift of gifts. A good, strong imagination is essential for creativity, problem solving and the ability to enjoy and make the most of one’s life. But it requires plenty of free, unstructured time with just a few props to help them get started.

22. Turn on the sprinklers and let them run through them. You loved it and so will they. We’ve got to remember that for a little child, simple is GOOD!

23. Play water balloon catch. Get one empty plastic gallon-sized milk jug for each child. Mom or dad can cut off the bottom and tape with duct tape so there are no sharp edges. Fill a few water balloons to the size of grape fruits. Toss the balloons back and forth as many times as you can without dropping and popping them.

24. Play Catch and Release with your toddler. Fill a couple ice cube trays with water. Add food coloring and freeze. Then, fill the kiddie pool with water. Throw in the ice cubes and let your toddler practice scooping them out with a small bucket and transfering them to a plastic bowl. Always stay close, close, close when a toddler is anywhere NEAR water (I know you know that).

25. Play Hole in One, another toddler favorite. Fill the kiddie pool and float a few frisbees upside down in it. Give your toddler a sponge and let him practice his aim.

Now that I’ve gotten you started, I’ll bet you’ve thought of lots of other fun and simple things to do. Send your ideas in to share and don’t forget to enjoy these long, warm days together.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Leave a response

Moms with Tattoos: Trendy or Trashy?

By Ellen and Rachel on July 12, 2010

Okay, we’ll own it. Sometimes we can be a little bossy and opinionated. No surprise there. But just in case you haven’t had the chance to rabidly disagree with our point of view yet, we wanted to give you another opportunity.

The other day we were having one of our regular “staff meetings” where we put our heads together and shoot the breeze about story ideas, our families, comments and questions we’ve received from our readers and basically anything else that crosses our minds. This is a pretty comfortable ritual for us because we’ve been at it in one form or another for decades now.

So when the topic of moms and body art came up we weren’t exactly shy about spouting off our opinions to each other and since they ended up being a point-counterpoint discussion we decided to let you listen in to what we had to say.

What we’re really curious about is what you think of tattoos and body art? For or against? Let us know!!

RACHEL: I started thinking about tattoos for moms about the time I noticed that almost every 20 to 30-something young woman I know has one. Some of them are outrageous — butterflies, flowers, hearts, endearments, religious symbols, skull-and-crossbones, cartoon characters, abstract patterns — you name it and it’s been carved into someone’s dermis. Permanently. Forever.

I just don’t get it. Is there something I’m missing here? Do young moms really want their innocent little babes staring up at AC/DC Rocks! etched on a boob while they’re nursing?

ELLEN: Yeah I know, but what’s the big deal, really? I mean it’s true. When we were that age only serious bikers (and Cher) had tattoos but it’s not like that anymore. Not my thing, but I don’t really see it as an issue. I see it as more of a fashion statement.

RACHEL: I get that, and I feel like I’m channeling my grandmother when I go off about it, but it’s just how I feel. There’s no fashion statement that says “forever” to me. Small, impressionable kiddos are watching, and what about when you get saggy and flabby and that coiled snake starts looking flaccid and wrinkled? YUCK!

ELLEN: That might be gross. But unless the picture is similar to the F-bomb “finger art” that Lindsey Lohan added to her middle fingernail before she headed into court, what’s so bad about it? What do you think the negative impact on a young child would be? And be honest!

RACHEL: I just don’t like the message we’re sending our kids when we adorn ourselves with trashy images that will inevitably become dated while they fade and blur over time. It’s not that different from letting your 3-year-old tattoo Dora the Explorer on her butt cheek. Chances are she won’t still love that little cutie-pie several years down the road.

ELLEN: On the other hand, I had a landscaper here the other day helping me plant a couple of trees and he had a lot of ink! His twenty-something son was helping him out and I noticed right away that he, too, had spent a little time and money at the tattoo parlor. The dad has done work for us for years so his tattoos were nothing new to me. But when I saw the ones his son had, it got me thinking that maybe tattooing was a part of their own unique family culture. Maybe the son had looked forward to being old enough to get inked like his dad and that it meant something about his becoming a man. By the way, these are lovely people and the art cool and totally not offensive.

RACHEL: Maybe, but I can’t help wondering how they’ll feel about it years later when Dad’s a grandpa. Is it really any different than cosmetic surgery — like adding D cups or removing that unsightly ethnic bump on your nose? And while we’re on the subject, let’s not forget the health risks associated with tattoos … and they’re real. Allergic reactions, skin infections, granulomas, bloodborne diseases, all of these can and do happen. Did I forget to mention that it also hurts like hell when you try to remove them with laser treatments?

ELLEN: I can’t imagine! But to me, it’s a personal choice. If they want to do it and they choose a tat that’s not offensive, then I don’t care. They may regret it later but that’s their problem. Having said that though, I think we both agree that a parent shouldn’t let a kid get a tattoo until they are an adult for just the reasons you bring up. They may regret it later and it’s not easy, cheap, or painless to have it taken off. So that’s where I would draw the line. No tattoos on kids.

RACHEL: I’ll give you that — live and let live. If you want to cover your body with ink once you’re an adult, go for it. But no tattoos on kids. I’m getting down off my soapbox now; it’s exhausting up here.

POSTSCRIPT: Both of us have twenty-somethings who rattled our cages and got their OWN tattoos in spite of our well-reasoned objections. Maybe one day we’ll get to say, “Told you so!” On the other hand, by then we may have tats of our own…

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | 2 Responses

Watch Your Mouth!

By Ellen Schrier on July 5, 2010

One day when my oldest son was a wee little 2 1/2 years old, we were out for a drive. He was securely fastened in his car seat, sucking contentedly on his pacifier and rubbing his “blankie” between his fingers the way he did when he was sleepy, happy and totally relaxed. I was driving along making mental notes about what needed to be done before friends and family gathered to celebrate the upcoming fourth of July party at my house. Things were pretty peaceful as we made our way home with Raffi singing softly in the background about Baby Beluga.

Suddenly I hit a speed bump a little too fast and we both flew up off our seats as the car bounced us around for a second or two. No big deal really, but my son pulled the pacifier out of his mouth and shouted “Jesus Christ!” in the exact same tone of voice you might expect to hear from a startled 45 year-old in the same situation. I was feeling more than a little bit shocked as I peered into the mirror at my sweet little toddler with the chubby legs clutching the well worn blanket in one hand and his “Nuk” in the other. “Uh oh.” I thought. “THAT didn’t sound too good.”

A couple weeks later I was confessing all to my sister-in-law. As she took in the story about my son’s potty mouth her eyes widened and she told me that she had a story of her own. Just the other day her daughter, roughly the same age as my son, had shouted out “Damn it!” when her sippy cup fell off the tray of her high chair.

For a second or two we had a good laugh about our naughty little children. But then we had the same sinking thought — they had learned these words from us and we needed to clean up our acts (and our mouths) if we wanted our kids to stand a reasonable chance of being invited to birthday parties and playdates at some point in their lives. Somehow, we reasoned, toddlers who swore like sailors were not likely to be the most popular guests in other people’s homes, regardless of how comical and innocent these stories seemed at the moment. What is funny or cute at two quickly becomes questionable or even offensive a year or two later, and by then the dye has been cast.

So that was when I made some changes in the vocabulary part of my life and before I knew what had hit me I noticed a slew of ridiculous words and phrases creeping into my everyday speech. When I tripped and dropped a plate of spaghetti on the way to the table, for example, you might have heard me scream something inane like “SU…gar in the morning”  or “FU…dgesicle” or the really odd “DANG diddly darn it!” instead of those other words that start with the same sounds. True, there is something immensely satisfying about using the SH or FU sounds when you’re really ticked off. But since I now had an attentive audience hanging on my every word, I had to figure out a way to scratch that itch without training my kid to be a mini version of an uncensored Chris Rock doing stand-up.

To be perfectly honest, I didn’t swear that much or that often but when you’ve got a little kid around it doesn’t take much to do the trick. They are listening and taking mental notes of their own and love nothing more than imitating the master, whatever he or she may be doing. They certainly do pick things up FAST as any parent knows.

To this day I still have the habit of shouting out those strange and silly home-made expletives when the SH…erbet hits the fan. And guess what? Even though my kids would never cop to it, I’ve heard those same words fly out of their mouths, too, on occasion. Funny how that works.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | Leave a response

Why Are Our Happenin’ Kids So Helpless?

By Rachel Zahn on June 28, 2010

Is it just me, or are you all noticing a weird phenomenon in this generation? Kids today are super-accomplished in so many ways, and, shall we say, somewhat lacking in others.

They regularly score in the 98th percentile on school achievement tests. They juggle homework, sports practices, tutoring, and extracurriculars like little multi-tasking adults. They navigate every tech gadget in our homes as if they were born with the manual embedded in their brains and act like there’s nothing to it. They seem so much smarter and more capable than we did at that age!

So why are so many of them helpless when it comes to basic life skills? Yes, it is a rhetorical question, because like you, I know the answer perfectly well. While we were helping with homework, signing them up for 3 or 4 sports a year, driving carpool to and from every karate class and music lesson, some of us never taught them how to put air in their bike tires, paint a fence, or use public transportation. And don’t even get me started on budgeting or balancing a checkbook.

Example 1: An anonymous kid we know managed to travel through life very successfully through mid-high school. Good grades, lots of friends, sports, community activities, the whole nine yards. A rock star by any measure. Sometime during his junior year he needed to mail a cover letter and application for a summer internship. This required an actual envelope and stamp … no email involved. Somehow, this teen had reached the age of 16 without addressing an envelope. At least not often enough to be comfortable completing it without parental tips.

About now you might (smugly) be thinking “Ha … you mean he never wrote a ‘Thank You’ note? No wonder … poor parenting.” You’d be partly, but not completely, right. Yes, he wrote Thank You notes — tons of them after his Bar Mitzvah alone. But his mom, more concerned about the gesture than the life skills involved, always offered to put the address and stamp on the envelope. So he never had to.

Example 2: Do your kids (sons in particular) know how to sew on a button or do a quick fix on a hem? Mine don’t.

Or didn’t, until the time my (then 14-year-old) daughter tore a seam in a favorite pair of pants she just had to wear that day. I was up against a work deadline and couldn’t come to her rescue. Good thing, too. After an hour or so of a painful learning curve for both of us (“Here’s the thread, see that hole in the needle? Here’s how you do a running stitch. What do you mean, there’s a knot? You’re out of black thread? NO! Don’t start over! …”) the job was done. And now, after a few more tries, she patches holes like a pro. My boys? Umm … not yet.

Example 3: How many of us do the packing for our kids before a family trip? It’s much more efficient, right? That way we know they have enough underwear to make it through and the tops will match the bottoms, more or less.

I did too, until one day when they reached ‘a certain age’ and I figured they should start doing it themselves. They’d watched me pack a thousand times — even seen me count out the numbers of items needed for 2 weeks at summer camp X 3 kids. And still, when we arrived at our destination after their first (unsupervised) attempt, the collection of wearable clothes they had packed was … well … not quite what I had in mind. Lots of dirty t-shirts were worn that week.

This is just a sampling of a few of the ordinary skills they’re missing out on, but what about the more critical ones? A short, sad and woefully incomplete list of things my children did not know how to do by age 16:

Keep track of a bank balance. Write a check. Deposit a check. Pay a bill. Find the circuit breaker box. Shut off water to the house. Chop vegetables. Break an egg. Clean the bathroom. Iron a shirt. Put together an appropriate work outfit. Read a bus or train schedule. Choose ripe fruit at the market. Shop for, prepare, and clean up after an entire family meal. Change (or even find) the oil in the car.

Our kids are incredibly smart and accomplished. We’ve done a great job enhancing their learning skills and giving them tools that weren’t even on the radar screen when we were growing up. They have special talents and abilities that are way above and beyond the average. At the same time we’ve ignored some of the basics. Is it the job of our schools? Well, no, though I’d love to see a resurgence of required home ec and auto shop courses for all high schoolers (maybe we could reinvent it as Life Skills). But truthfully, it’s our job.

The traditional 3 Rs — reading, writing, and ‘rithmatic? Huge. That 4th R — reality? Even more so.

Email This Post Email This Post

Posted in | 4 Responses

Next Page »
Loading

Pearls of Wisdom

Cake for Breakfast

By Rachel Zahn on August 30, 2010

Every family has interesting traditions that make them different. I’m always preaching about good nutrition, but rules are made to be broken … occasionally.

Category:

Watch This!

Being a woman is a gift.

What You Said

  • Joanne: It seems such a shame that people cannot simply be courtious anymore. Popping by on the offchance that a...
  • Sue Carney: I linked to this piece from my fb page, “How Marketers Target Teens, Why It’s Not Cool, and...
  • Hannah Nedrow: I couldn’t agree more: “There is NO single best way to parent.” My son was in a crib...
  • Hannah Nedrow: Lovely site and thanks for reminding me that yelling is counterproductive. Off to start my seven-day...
  • Lindsey Whitney: I’m a pretty big advocate of attachment parenting, but I certainly don’t think...
  • Jfever: This happened to my friends too, except they live Very close. The gal with the older boy was steamed for a...
  • Jean: I have had the similar situation as above. Our neighbors would ALWAYS come over unannounced and my 5 year old...
  • Nicole: I think a personal gift is a thoughtful way to approach the topic of menstruation. I have such a gift...
  • Leah: Thanks for sharing! So simple!
  • Leah: Great list! thanks for sharing… http://www.localharvest.org/ has farmers markets. Making organic food...

Just so you know

The Mama ButtonThe information provided by MamasOnCall is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, but is for information purposes only. You assume full responsibility for the health and well-being of your family. Talk with your healthcare provider about any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychiatric condition.