The Four Foundation Stones

Hierarchy

Every family has a management structure or chain-of-command. When the hierarchy is clearly defined with the parents at the top and in charge, the family has the best chance for success.

The “executives” of the family are expected to make the rules and decisions and establish order and consistency so that everyone can grow and develop in a safe and loving home. And they must operate as a team. Dad may be the “authority “ on some subjects, and Mom the “go-to” person for other things but what counts is that everyone knows they are a unit, or subsystem unto themselves.

An invisible boundary separates them from the other subsystem, which is made up of the kids. Even though the kids will constantly try to infiltrate the top tier, this boundary must be kept intact and respected if you want to get good results. So you don’t share your adult worries and concerns with your kids. You don’t get them involved in taking sides with you against your spouse. You allow them to stay free and innocent of the inner workings of the management team. You let them be kids and you figure out how to take care of business with your adult partner, or if you are a single parent, on your own or with help from another adult you can trust.

A hierarchy that is steadfast and dependable allows kids to grasp the nature of the pecking order and their place in it. Once they learn to respect and work with the authority figures in their own family, they can take those skills into the bigger systems they must function in, like school and the workplace. If those skills aren’t developed, the child will have issues with peers and bosses alike.

Of course in a family, the top dogs are performing all these duties with the added ingredients of love, warmth and respect. Effective parents must learn how to show their kids they mean business in a kind, firm way without creating a harsh or fearful environment. As children get older they will challenge mom or dad for more autonomy and control. And little by little, parents must allow them to take it on. That’s the only way they a child will become independent, which is the ultimate goal of parenting.

If the hierarchy is not clear, who’s in charge may change from day to day. Sometimes the parent may be on the job and other days not so much. Some days the child may feel compelled to move into the top spot because something needs to be done and the parent isn’t doing it.

If this becomes the norm, kids end up losing rather than gaining confidence because they have to make decisions or perform duties without going through a proper apprenticeship first. They may feel out of their league. And even if things work out okay, the child may believe that his success was just a matter of luck and that he could never pull it off again.

Regardless of any particular outcome though, the idea that you might have to stand in for the master of ceremonies at the last minute creates an atmosphere of apprehension and anxiety for anyone, especially a child.

Consider Mary, a young intensive-care nursery nurse, who came to me pregnant and overwhelmed. She had been raised by a severely alcoholic mother and never knew her dad. The hierarchy in her family was not clear. Roles were reversed and Mary was often left with the responsibility of caring for her siblings. She had been moved to the top position in the hierarchy and given the role of parent, a role she was completely unprepared for. She did the best she could but she had no safety net and always felt like one wrong step would send her and everyone else flying.

Even though she was a well educated adult, when she became pregnant she was terrified of taking on the responsibility of bringing up a baby. She had no blueprint for what a normal family should look like and no good role model to emulate. And she also had a lot of bad memories. She was afraid that she would repeat the same mistakes her mother had made. Luckily, Mary faced her fears, got help in learning the role of mother and went on to raise her child competently and with confidence.

Sometimes a child must move up to the executive level to help out a parent who is ill or working long hours to support the family. But even then, the child must know that he or she will not be carrying that burden of indefinitely or without clear guidelines and support.

The kids work out their own hierarchy, too, and learn a lot about how to get along with friends, and later colleagues and spouses, by interacting with their siblings. It is the perfect place to learn all sorts of very useful life skills like sharing, cooperating, loyalty, accountability, the art of negotiation and how to challenge authority.

Children need space from their parents in order to do this though. That boundary we were talking about allows this to happen. If mom or dad is too involved in their kids’ business, it makes it very difficult for them to practice and perfect these skills. Every set of brothers and sisters known to man has kept secrets from their parents and all parents have kept secrets from their kids. This is as it should be.

One of the most famous threats between siblings is, “I’m going to tell,” which in family therapy speak means, “You are crossing a line and I’m going to disregard the boundary and get you in trouble with the boss.” That’s not to say that the parents should stand idly by while World War III rages on in the family room. They must set limits and expectations around acceptable ways for their kids to argue and work things out but then give them a chance to practice on their own.

When my kids were growing up we made it a habit to have dinner together and spend that time talking about the day and what was happening in everyone’s life. But a pattern developed in which my seven-year-old, always a big talker, was gabbing away for the entire meal. At one point I explained that it wasn’t polite for him to be the only one talking and that we had to let other people share their thoughts and ideas, too. I turned to my daughter, then four, and asked what she would like to talk about. She looked me in the eye and said, “I would like to give my time to Ben,” the older brother whom she adored and utterly respected.

I had to gently but firmly tell her that she couldn’t—that I was making an executive decision and wanted her brother to work on listening more and talking less. Besides, we were all interested in what she had to say. We laugh about it now but it really brought home how respectful this little girl was of the hierarchy within her sibling subsystem.

Next Week, Part VII: The Four Foundation Stones, Rules

Dear Mamas,

I am a little worried about my 13-year-old daughter because she keeps everything bottled up inside. She doesn’t have any big problem that we know about but she rarely ever shares anything with us about what’s going on in her life. And when she does have a problem she doesn’t like to talk about it. She has nice friends, is healthy and does well at school. Any suggestions?

Sharon

Hi Sharon,

I’m glad you wrote in because this is actually a pretty common problem between parents and adolescents. She sounds pretty normal but my question to you would be how long has this been going on? If she’s always been a little quieter, you could just be describing part of her temperment or personality. Some people are just naturally reserved and aren’t as comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings as others. That could be your daughter.

But if she has only recently started to shy away from frequent heart-to-hearts with you and seems to want to spend more time alone or in her room, it could be that the adolescent monster has stolen her voice. Almost all adolescents clam up on occasion. Even the ones who were chatter boxes who never stopped talking when they were younger begin to withdraw once they hit the teen years.

Adolescents need and want more privacy and the chance to “have a life” that is separate from you.They do not want mom and dad all up in their grill every time they turn around. They are beginning the process of forging their own identity separate from their family and long for a certain amount of space and privacy in order to do so.

Normal, yes. But there are, of course, a wide range of behaviors that can go along with this separation. You mentioned that she “keeps things bottled up.” That can be a concern because everyone, especially adolescents, needs to learn how to express and process their feelings.

There are ways that you can encourage her do so even if she doesn’t feel like talking.

• You can encourage her to start a journal as a way to let it all out. Of course you will have to let her know that you will respect her privacy and not read her journal without permission.*
• Music is another way to help her express feelings and emotions. When my daughter was a teen I could always tell when she was angry about something by how hard she banged on the piano. After playing for 15 minutes or so, the music coming from the living room was noticeably calmer. She may like the idea of taking piano, guitar, flute or songwriting lessons.
• Art projects can also help her to express. Teens (especially girls) often like to make colages using pictures from magazines and photos. You might ask her to make one for you or grandma and grandpa about herself. An art class can also be fun especially if no grades are involved. The local community center may offer something.
• Dance or exercise class can also help to get things moving.
• Drama is another great outlet. See if she might want to get involved in a school or community play.

You may find, too, that she is more likely to open up when she is not on the spot to give a report. Even though our questions seem innocent enough to us, they can feel like a grilling to an adolescent. Try bringing things up casually about school or friends using a neutral tone and without making direct eye contact. Don’t jump on her answer right away and give her a chance to say more if she feels like it.

Teens are often in the mood to talk late at night before they go to bed. Defenses are down and they are often more open. Take advantage of that and check in with her before bedtime.

Also make sure you give her plenty of compliments. Teens really appreciate it when their parents tell them they look nice or did a good job on homework or a household chore. Your kind words may help her feel more comfortable about sharing more with you.

Of course if you are really worried that her pulling away goes beyond the normal teenage separation stuff, talk to your pediatrician or a family or adolescent counselor. Given the fact that she is ” healthy, doing fine at school and has nice friends” it’s probably just the teen stuff, but as always, trust your gut.

*One exception to this rule is if you are truly concerned that she may be in some kind of real trouble. If that’s the case, the privacy issue goes down the toilet but you have to be brutally honest with yourself about what signals “trouble” and not use it as an excuse to indulge your curiosity.

The following brief article is reprinted from the current issue of Contemporary Pediatrics, the professional journal that tells practicing pediatricians what they need to know.

It’s true! Moms and dads who clean their babies’ pacifiers by sucking on them may be boosting their infants’ immune systems and deterring future allergies. Gotta love it …

A new study has found that a parent’s saliva introduces gut microflora onto the pacifier that in turn stimulates an infant’s immune system against allergies, eczema, and asthma. Oral bacteria are transferred on the pacifier from the parent’s mouth to the baby’s mouth and swallowed, which subsequently affects the microbiota in the child’s small intestine and regulates tolerance development in the gut.Among 136 babies who used a pacifier during their first 6 months of life, 65 had parents who reported sucking on the pacifiers to clean them. When the children were aged 18 months, researchers found that the likelihood of both eczema and asthma were reduced in the children whose parents had used saliva to clean the pacifiers when compared with children whose parents did not clean the pacifiers this way. The protective effect held for eczema through age 36 months.

The study also found that spit-cleaning the pacifiers had no effect on transmission of respiratory illnesses from parents to children.Researchers said that parents could choose instead to clean their baby’s pacifier with soap and water or by boiling it; however, they recommend that parents lick the pacifier if their child was born through cesarean delivery. These children are more likely to develop allergies because they do not receive the immune system-boosting gut microbes that babies born vaginally receive when they pass through the birth canal.

The Four Foundation Stones

Boundaries

In every family three different kinds of boundaries should be operating at all times:  the boundary around the family itself; the boundary that separates the parents from the kids; and the boundary that separates each individual from each other. Boundaries are there to keep the system and subsystems intact and protected from outside threats.

The vital but invisible boundary that separates the family from the larger world allows family members to know who belongs and who doesn’t. In a family with a good, semi-permeable boundary, members feel free to step out and participate in the world without losing their sense of security and belonging.

Think about the doors and windows of a house. When they are closed, the boundaries are intact and the family is safe and secure within. Add some screens and you can now get fresh air and good circulation but still have a boundary that protects you from flies, mosquitoes and random people walking in. When night falls or it’s rainy or cold, you can shut the windows and doors until conditions improve. The doors, windows and screens create a boundary that is semi-permeable.

If the boundary around the family is rigid, it’s like the windows and doors are locked or nailed shut. There is no way for fresh air or the sounds of the outside world to come through. And there is no chance for people to come or go without some difficulty.

Rigidity in a family boundary often develops when serious problems like alcoholism, mental illness or abuse are present. In these cases it becomes difficult for members who may be suffering to ask for outside help because a strict “Don’t talk about our problems to anyone outside of the family” rule is operating.

On the other hand, if the boundary is too loose it may be hard to maintain any kind of structure or stability at all because of the constant or unpredictable stream of people coming and going. Part of the reason that a boundary exists in a family is to clarify its membership, which must be intact in order for the structure to develop well. Without it, chaos will reign.

When I was working in Foster Care, I once visited a family on the verge of losing custody of their children. The first thing I noticed was that the front door was missing. Snow was blowing in and anyone could just walk in, day or night so everyone who lived there was constantly exposed to danger. Life in this family was extremely chaotic and the missing door proved to be a very powerful metaphor for what turned out to be a lack of any boundaries at all in this very troubled family.

An interpersonal boundary between individuals also exists in families. This boundary allows each person to feel entitled to having her own thoughts, feelings and personal space while still knowing she can reach out for comfort, information or emotional support when needed.  If a child starts crying or yelling, for example, the parent shouldn’t automatically assume she knows why, although she might have a good idea.

In order to respect that boundary, she should start by asking the child what’s going on and giving him a chance to tell her before rushing in with some kind of reaction. In other words, a good interpersonal boundary helps keep assumptions and mind reading to a minimum. Before jumping to conclusions about what someone might be thinking or feeling, family members who respect interpersonal boundaries take the time to check in with each other and ask first.

When these boundaries are too loose, people tend to be over-involved in each other’s lives and overly reactive to each other’s behavior. Family members may feel that they have no privacy or the priveledge of keeping some things to themselves. A parent might flip out if one of the kids doesn’t get invited to a party or gets cut from a team. Interpersonal boundaries are so loose that it gets hard to tell who actually suffered the loss—the kid or the parent. In extreme cases, a lack of interpersonal boundaries can lead to physical or emotional abuse or even incest.

Parents start to help their children learn about this important boundary early on by giving instructions like, “Keep your hands to yourself,” or “Mind your own business.” On the other hand, when interpersonal boundaries are too rigid, it’s hard to get anyone to care or get involved with helping at all. Individual family members are caught up in their own worlds and have a hard time connecting with each other emotionally. When this is the case, you might see problems like emotional or physical neglect.

At certain times during a family’s life, this interpersonal boundary is necessarily looser or stronger. During infancy for example, a mother often feels like there is no boundary at all between herself and her baby. She spends a tremendous amount of time literally attached to her child as she goes through the routines of feeding, burping and holding.

The parents are appropriately deeply tuned in to every sound and movement that baby makes and often know when he is about to start crying minutes before he makes a sound. But as the child grows, he starts spending more time in his crib or being held, fed, and played with by others. The individual boundary between mother and child begins to form.

During adolescence, teenagers begin to spend more time in their rooms away from their parents. They’re working on finding out who they are and establishing an identity for themselves that is separate from their family. It’s totally normal but every parent feels a little left out at first.

The boundary is being renegotiated and it’s confusing. If you only have one child, you may take it personally for a long time. But if you have more than one, by the time the second or third child starts isolating himself you know it’s just a part of their development and you don’t worry. A lot of parenting is like this—kind of a bad joke really. By the time you figure out what’s going on, you’ve moved to the next stage and you don’t get to show off how skillful you’ve become at handling it all. So annoying!

Next Week: Part VI, The Four Foundation Stones, Hierarchy

Dear Mamas,

How should we be handling these fits?

Sophia 

Dear Sophia,

Thanks for the great question!

Your guy is at a tough age, communication wise — old enough to feel frustrated and mad when something doesn’t go his way, but too young to have a way to express it that’s socially acceptable. Keep in mind that boys are all physical, compared to girls who tend to be more verbal. They automatically act out with their bodies, as opposed to little girls who are more likely to express a sassy attitude less physically.

AND this is a phase he will pass through when he has enough words to replace his actions and express what he’s feeling. In the meantime, a few thoughts that may help:

1) The isolation idea is a good one. If there’s a safe place that’s not his crib, place him there and leave the room so he gets the message he doesn’t get your attention by throwing a fit.

2) Offer him the words he doesn’t yet have. Like, “I know you’re really mad. What can you do with your MAD? Stomp your feet. Squeeze a pillow or stuffed toy as hard as you can. And here are some words about feeling mad: (fill in the blank). When you’re not quite so mad come and sit with me and I’ll try to make it better, but first you need to get out your MAD.” (make up whatever expressive words work for you and for him).

3) The silly approach is just fine. Rest assured, he won’t be throwing fits forever just because you make it silly. It’s a creative way of shifting his mood and helping him get past it. The key to this technique is staying emotionally neutral and … well … silly. NOT gritting your teeth while pretending to be silly. Kids are geniuses at knowing the difference.

4) Enlist your daughter in helping him learn words like “mad”, “grrr”, any kid-friendly expressions she wants to help him verbalize those powerful feelings. Chances are he’ll do anything to be like big sister.

Hope this stuff helps while time and healthy language development do the heavy lifting.

~ The Mamas

Every day in the U.S.A., 90 people are killed by a gun. Some are kids, some are moms or dads, some are sisters or brothers. All are missed. If you are as frustrated as we are, there is something you can do to make your voice heard and you don’t even have to get up! You can do it now. It’s so simple and so important that we really hope you will.

All you have to do is this:

1. Text “MYVOICE” to 877877.

2. You will then be asked to text your ZIP code.

3. Next your phone will ring and Paul McCartney will be on the other end with a short message (how often does a Beatle call you?). After that, you will be connected to your state representative’s office.

4. At that point, you can speak up and make a difference. Tell them that you, along with the vast majority of Americans, support background checks on all gun sales and that you vote!! And that you want to make sure that your representative knows that.

Please do your best to get the word out. Let your friends know about this easy way to have impact by posting on Facebook, Twitter or other social media sites. Too many people are dying. It’s time to make some noise and make it count.

*Voices Against Violence was started by Tony Bennett, his son Danny, and the Brady Campaign to stop gun violence.