Dear Mamas,

I have been invited to a baby shower (another one!) and I need help in knowing what to do. The hostess wants us all to chip in to buy a $900.00 stroller for our friend who is having twins. This is so embarrassing because I really cannot afford to contribute as much as everyone else. My husband was laid off his job 4 months ago and I am only working part time. Anyway, we have worked hard to keep things as normal as possible but the financial pressure has been hard on our family.

But what can I say? I don’t want to be the only one not in on the gift but I really don’t have that kind of money right now. Any suggestions?

Beth

Dear Beth,
I totally get how contributing to all those baby showers/wedding showers/school fundraisers/neighbor’s-kids-girl-scout-cookie-sales etc. can break the bank, especially if funds are tight. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve all been in that boat. The thing is, when people ask for a donation they often forget that their request is but one of many and that we can’t contribute what we would like to all the time.

In this case, I think the best strategy is to contact the person throwing the shower directly and be candid with her. Tell her that although you would love to be a part of the gift, you can’t afford the amount that is being asked for right now. Let her know what amount would be comfortable for you and find out if there are other ways you could contribute in lieu of giving the full amount. Maybe she needs help with some of the hosting responsibilities like shopping, setting up, preparing food, cleanup or even picking up and wrapping the gift.

Or, you could offer to buy something within your budget that could go with the stroller, like a nice diaper bag or some cute sun hats and sun glasses. If that doesn’t fly, then just bring the gift you want to give and a lovely note to go along with it and leave it at that. I’m sure your friend will appreciate whatever you give her as long as it’s given with love.

Thanks for this question, Beth. It’s a good reminder to us all to be sensitive to the fact that people’s budgets are not all the same. And whenever we are doing the organizing we need to remember to qualify our financial requests with a statement indicating that although such-and-such an amount is being asked for, people should please give what they can by the date needed.

The following is the transcript of a youtube by Art Kaplan, renowned medical ethicist at the University of Pennsylvania. We are reprinting it here because it is a siren call, red flag, canary in the coal mine for questions of women’s (and men’s) medical autonomy in the 21st century. Are you entitled to your health information, or not?  

Hi. This is Art Caplan. I am at the Department of Medical Ethics and Health Policy at the University of Pennsylvania. I want to talk to you today about a provocative question: Can a doctor lie about the results of a genetic test if he or she thinks that they might lead to an abortion?

The State of Arizona is considering a law that might make it possible to make the answer to that question “yes.” They are passing a law that says they are not going to accept lawsuits for wrongful births. Wrongful birth lawsuits basically say that if a doctor doesn’t offer a test, doesn’t give the results of a test, or gives them inaccurately, the doctor still can’t be sued for making that kind of decision.

Nine states have these laws. Now, these laws are pretty difficult to enforce. Wrongful birth laws get us into the question of whether a child should have been born at all. Courts hate to wrestle with questions about whether somebody, even an infant, might be better off dead than alive. But I think the laws don’t make much sense.

Part of the problem with these laws is, it’s one thing for a doctor to make a mistake and not offer a test. It’s another thing to deliberately withhold the information that a test is there for a woman who is pregnant, a prenatal test, or to lie when they have the results. Even if the State of Arizona or other states pass laws against wrongful birth, I’m pretty sure that it is still malpractice.

But this issue gets even more important because new forms of prenatal testing are rapidly coming down the road, replacing amniocentesis and chorionic villus sampling which, as we all know, have their risks for fetuses and moms and have to be done relatively later in pregnancy. We are soon going to see tests that use blood (mom’s blood) and allow access to fetal DNA just circulating in the mother’s blood.

So, although 10% of pregnancies might have prenatal tests today, soon the question is going to be, should every pregnant woman receive a prenatal test? Given these laws about wrongful birth, the question then becomes, should every woman have a right to expect testing? Should every woman have a right to expect honest results no matter how they might act or choose to act based on those results?

I am going to say that at the end of the day, these tests do have to be offered routinely. We might not like the fact that they could lead to more abortions. We might not like the fact that some women and their spouses or partners might not understand the information or overworry about disability. That is a problem for counseling. It doesn’t justify not offering the tests, and not being honest about tests is just a recipe for disaster. Even if one, as a matter of conscience, is worried that an abortion might result, you still have to let the test results be known and let women make the decisions.

So, at the end of the day, I think Arizona’s efforts to limit or restrain the use of prenatal testing and test results aren’t going to hold up. They are not going to hold up to legal challenges. They don’t hold up to ethical analysis. Women do have the right to expect [to be told about] whatever testing might be out there, to be offered it, to choose to take it, and to hear the results pretty honestly.

If we don’t like how decisions are being made, then it’s up to the doctor to counsel, to educate, and to inform. Withholding a test is never the way to go.

We couldn’t agree more. Please stand up and let your voice be heard. Our daughters, our sons, and their daughters and sons need you to speak out. Loud and clear.

What’s the best way to discuss the food choices at your kitchen table? How do you explain food alternatives to children? Is it okay to make a food right or wrong? Has discussing food with kids become the new “where do babies come from?” 

The following interview with Ruby Roth, author of the children’s book, “Vegan is Love” is posted on babble.com. Take a look, then let us know how you feel about discussing the politics of food with your kids.

Why write about veganism for kids?

I was teaching art in L.A. and the kids were always curious about why I wasn’t eating their classroom snacks–usually packaged string cheese and milk. Sometimes, as a vegan, you feel like a communist, like you’re going to be black listed, so I would brush aside their questions. One day, however,  I realized I’m a teacher, I’m supposed to be teaching. There’s nothing against the law about telling the kids the truth. I went to look for a book that might explain more about vegan choices, but every book was about a talking animal or vegetable. I thought that took away from the richness and reality of the issues. These kids were too cool, they wouldn’t take a book like that seriously. They were street smart and could handle this information and we as adults were leaving them out of the dialogue.

Here in the West we have a Victorian concept of raising children, that they are precious and frail and I think that hinders what they are captures. But, in my experience you can really say anything to kids, any tough topic can be talked about if you talk about it in a nonemotional straightforward, frank way. Especially if there isn’t a focus on negativity, but on constructive ideas. If you want to talk to kids about the circus and the abuse of elephants, I wouldn’t just show the kids a video of an elephant being abused, I’d say, “hey I just found out something really important and I wonder what you think about it.” You’re not scaring them, you’re offering facts to them about their world and empowering them to come up with constructive ways to address those facts.

What is the best way to use your book?

I’d say to first, read it all the way through. Introduce those ideas to your kids. Then, use it as a reference when children come up with questions. I really tried to hit on all the tenets of veganism so the book is a good place to learn about a variety of concerns. I wanted the book to be a jumping off point for discussion. And mostly, I wanted this book to be a resource to anyone and everyone, I wanted it to show the power of our choices.

What books & websites would you recommend to parents interested in starting their own path toward veganism?

There are so many, but here would be some good places to start.Food Revolution (John Robbins)

• Eating Animals by Jonathon Safran. The book is a must-read for anyone wants to understand the issues.
• 101Cookbooks.com is my favorite place to send people to for beautiful, realistic vegan recipes. The site is very well organized. It’s not all vegan, but there is a large section of recipes that will get you started.
• Skinny Bitch, by Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman. A fun way to introduce yourself to the benefits of a vegan diet.
• Jason Wrobel’s entertaining videos and incredible recipes are a great resource to have for new vegans and raw foodies. All of his recipes are good.
• The Sun Food Diet Success System and Superfoods by David Wolf. This book is full of great information for new vegans.

How can people new to veganism start making choices that make a change?

• 1) Expand your food repertoire. Start by adding new things in before you start taking things away. Once you start feeling good, and find out this whole world of food, you start craving what you’re eating. If you’re eating cotton candy, that’ what you’ll crave. If you eat avocados, you’ll crave avocados.
• 2) Looking at the underbelly of the food system. The food in our fridge, where our money is going. When you are really honest about the issues, it’s hard to ignore them.
• 3)  Work within your own area of influence. As you begin to veganize your own territory, you don’t have to become a teacher or write a book, we need people to work within their own area of expertise, people greening their own area. Go to the principal at your school and be a reliable resource to all thigns green within your school. People are more likely to listen to you if you use the word “green” rather than “vegan”.” Same goes for if you’re a makeup artist or a janitor. Use green materials and introduce them to your clients.
• 4) Support organizations that already exist. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Support and volunteer. Animal sanctuary’s are an amazing resource when you want to do something with your family that is active and positive. Nix your trips to the zoo. How much more exciting is it to be with lively animals, versus depressed animals sitting in cages? The zoo doesn’t teach true, authentic reverence as much as when you’re doing something as hands on, so find a local animal sanctuary and volunteer some of your time there.
• 5) Dive into analytical, interesting discussions with your kids. Find ways to broach topics that you think are too tough. When you find a gentle way to talk about it and take about it with your kids, you encourage critical thinking. You start teaching your children how to form their own morals, opinions, and values. Kids can’t make choices if they don’t know there are any. In my experience, they can easily make the move toward making wise choices on their own, so long as they are given the chance to understand and actually make those decisions for themselves.

What do you hope people learn from Vegan is Love?
This book is my personal prayer for the future of the world. I think since my first book came out, we as a nation have heard a lot of chanting about hope and change. I think it’s clear at this point that we can’t wait on our leaders to fix our food system, the environment, or health care. It’s up to us. Social change has always come from the bottom up. So, I wrote this book for a new generation of kids in the hope that they can make choices. This book is really about choices and about how far across the world we can send our love.

The Mamas want to know what you think. Do you agree with Ms. Roth? Is feeding kids meat child abuse? How do you explain nutritional choices to your little ones?

Remember that next time your new teen driver misplaces those car keys … or skateboards without a helmet.

Dear Mamas,

Our 4-year-old son was born with an extra kidney, which we found out after he had a couple of unexplained urinary tract infections leading to a series of tests. The pediatrician sent us to a urologist, who recommended we have the kidney removed since it’s assumed to be the cause of the infections.

Our baby is scheduled for the surgery in about 10 days and yesterday we went for a hospital tour. It was very helpful to see the surgical suite, recovery and regular rooms, but we were confused by all the different healthcare workers and their various jobs. I’ve never been in the hospital myself, except to deliver our son, and it all seems a bit overwhelming. Can you help me figure out who’s who?

Many thanks,

Alison

Hi Alison,

I’m sure it was scary for you to discover that your little guy was born with a third kidney, but you’d be surprised how common this kind of variation can be. In about one of 500 births, some abnormality occurs in the development of the kidneys or urinary system. It ‘s not really known why; the development of the urinary tract is a complex process that is not fully understood. In most cases these little extras will have no effect on long-term health.

Taking care of the problem now should prevent future infections and the whole episode will fade into the background and make a great family story. Just think of the girls who will be impressed by that scar someday.

You’re right, it does seem like the variety of personnel working in hospitals has mushroomed in recent years. It’s almost impossible to keep track of the players, and we can’t blame you for being confused.

Here’s a breakdown, starting with the physician staff: 

Medical student: Medical students usually spend the first 2 years of medical school in the classroom and the last 2 years seeing patients in the hospital. Chances are if your guy is having surgery at a teaching hospital, there will be a med student asking lots of questions.

From … realliferealityblog.com via pinterest

The ULTIMATE List of Meal Ideas for Toddlers

It’s easy to imagine how a child might have a less-than-enthusiastic attitude about moving. After all, it’s not exactly a piece of cake to walk into a new school and neighborhood and have to start all over trying to figure out how to fit in, who the nice kids are, what the academic expectations are, how to dress, what to say and what to do.

Then there is the whole slew of worries that might crop up as well: What if I get bullied? What if I can’t make any new friends? What if I hate it there? What if I never get to see my old friends again?

And that’s not even counting how hard it is to give up a home, friends, family and neighborhood that you love. Especially when you have absolutely no say in the matter. If the move is happening due to financial or family problems, it can be even tougher. If Mom and Dad are stressed and upset themselves, they may not recognize how hard their children are struggling. As a result, the kids may not get the emotional support they need to make such a big change. They may be hesitant about expressing their own fears and worries because they don’t want to upset Mom and Dad even more.

But life is ever changing and people do move all the time. We’ve done it several times and I’m here to tell you it can be done successfully. But you must pay attention and be sensitive to what your child may be going through. Here are some tips on how you can smooth the process:

BEFORE THE MOVE:

Explain why you are moving. Help them get on board by making sure they understand that there is an important reason (job relocation, keeping the family together, etc.) why you are asking them to give up so much. Take plenty of time to talk about this and let them ask any questions they may have.

If at all possible, plan for the move to happen during natural transition times like the end of the school year or the end of middle school or elementary school.

Gather together some books, articles and pictures about the town you will be moving to. Try to get the kids involved in researching local parks, clubs, and things to do in their new home town.

Take the lead in finding out about the good or special things about the new place and the new school and don’t be shy about talking about them. If your child is into drama, find out about children’s theater groups in the area; if he likes skateboarding, find a skateboard park.

If you have pets, think carefully about your plans to take them along. If at all possible, bring them. They are important members of your family and can help enormously to ease the transition for your kids. Having to lose them, too, may just feel like too, too much to handle. If you simply cannot take them, make sure you involve your child in finding a new, GOOD home for them.

Make a picture album of your old house, neighborhood, park, friends, etc. for them to look at later on. Even though it may bring a tear or two, it will be an important keepsake for them and long-term will help them process the changes.

Make a similar album for the new place and keep adding pictures of new friends, family outings and special places.

DURING AND AFTER THE MOVE:

Do whatever you can to make the process as easy for them (and you) as possible. Even under the very best of circumstances, moving is stressful and tough on everyone, especially children. Enlist friends and family to take the kids to the park or a movie so you can have time to sort and organize your belongings alone. If they are older, have them help for sure, but don’t expect them to be able to keep at it for hours at a time. Get as much help as possible with packing and moving!

Allow your children to express all their feelings about what’s happening without trying to shut them off with well-intentioned but not helpful words like, “NO! It’s going to be great! You’re going to love it!” They may have many worries and fears about moving to a new school and neighborhood and losing important relationships and need to express them. The idea of moving may be very scary for them. And hard. They may feel powerless and angry about having to give up so much. Even if the move is to a “better house, job or neighborhood,” chances are your child would rather stay exactly where she is. Understand and respect that.

On the day that you move in to the new place, set up the kids’ rooms first. Deal with the other rooms tomorrow. Try to make sure they can sleep in their own beds with their own linens that first night. Or, set up everyone together in one room for a family sleepover to ease fears and anxieties about being in a new place.

Take time off from unpacking to explore and do some fun family things. Meet the neighbors, go out to eat, check out the mall and the park.

Involve them in making your new house a home. Ask for their advice on the placement of old, familiar pictures and furniture. Give them kudos for their good advice, even if you decide to go with a different idea. Make sure they have a role.

Research has suggested that moves tend to be harder on kids who are more introverted, so if that’s your gal, give her extra attention and support for as long as it takes.

Make arrangements for a visit back to your old town within 6 months if possible and plan some visits from friends and relatives to your new place, too. There is great relief in seeing old, familiar faces, and knowing visitors are coming will give everyone something to look forward to.

If you are able to move before school starts, visit the campus a few times with your child before classes begin. See if you can get inside for a tour. And give her a chance to play on the play equipment before school starts so she will feel more familiar with the place.

If you have an older child, find out when try-outs for school sports will happen and make sure you will be there on time. This is a good way to get him into a like-minded group of kids right off the bat.

Approach the new teacher before school starts and explain your concerns. When we moved to New York from California I went to my son’s third grade teacher and half-kiddingly told her that I didn’t care if he learned anything that year, I just wanted her to be really, really nice to him! See if she will help by arranging for a “buddy” to show your child the ropes during his first week at school.

Understand that it may take a long time (months) for your child to make the adjustment, so be patient with him. As the Chinese proverb says: “Don’t push the river. It flows by itself.” In other words, the adjustment will take as much time as it takes. You can’t hurry it, but you can support it by being patient, kind and understanding. My eldest son, then 15 when we moved to New York, dealt with the transition by keeping his clock set to California time for about a month after we arrived. We didn’t say anything about it, just noticed. Then one day, he was officially on New York time and we were able to exhale.

Once you’re settled in, take advantage of Skype and the unlimited cell phone minutes on your plan to help your child stay in touch with old friends and relatives. It will be fun for him to walk around the house, computer in hand, and show off his new room, backyard, etc.

You can also help your child to stay connected by occasionally letting him play video games like checkers online with his old buddies (with your supervision of course).

Most kids will struggle for a while with feelings of sadness or anxiety. They may have trouble sleeping and they may be crabby and irritable. This is normal and to be expected. But make sure that you watch for signs of depression, too. These can include a more extreme version of sadness and crying; sleeplessness or chronic sleepiness; moping around and not wanting to do anything; or being hyperactive. It can also show up as inattentiveness or acting-out by hitting, yelling, stubbornness or over-the-top defiance. If you see these behaviors in your child, don’t hesitate to consult with your pediatrician and get some additional help, the sooner the better.

But don’t dwell on that! There is no reason why your move can’t be a great one. Take it easy and remember that there are new friends waiting for you in your new town and before long, you won’t be able to imagine how you ever got along without them. Same goes for your kids. Good luck and let us know how it goes!