Dear Mamas — I’m pulling my hair out trying to come up with healthy snacks for my 4 year old twins. Whatever I give them is of questionable nutritional value and just ruins their appetites for meals. But it seems like they are hungry all the time! How can I turn this around?

Thanks, Lisa

Hi Lisa,
If they’re hungry all the time but not so much at mealtime, you’re right — snacking may indeed be the culprit. But that doesn’t mean that snacks can’t be a good and healthy part of their daily diet. Many kids prefer smaller meals and they do get hungry more frequently than adults. But parents often miss the point that their snacks should really be thought of as part of their daily diet.

So it’s pretty simple to turn your problem around. Just start shooting for snacks that are both tasty and nutritious and reduce the amount of food you serve to them at mealtimes. Make sure those snacks include carbohydrates, protein, fiber and a little bit of healthy fat. Save the cake, cookies, chips and soda for special occasions like birthday parties and family celebrations.

A snack between breakfast and lunch and then another one between lunch and dinner is not at all unreasonable depending of course on what and how much you’re serving. As far as portion size goes, start small. You can always give them a little more if they’re still hungry. The possibilities are endless, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• raw veggies like carrot sticks, peeled celery sticks, red or green bell peppers with a healthy dip like hummus or peanut butter
• hummus or babaganoush and whole wheat pita bread
• a bowl of whole grain cereal (with at least 3 grams of fiber) and non-fat or 1% milk with a few walnuts and dried cranberries thrown in
• instant oatmeal made with milk and topped with sliced bananas or strawberries
• low-sodium deli turkey slices topped with a little mustard or mango chutney and wrapped around sesame seeded breadstick
• mini apple cinnamon rice cakes topped with peanut butter and banana slices
• half an egg salad sandwich cut in half again
• frozen banana (cut a peeled, over ripe banana in half, place each half in a zip lock bag and freeze)
• sliced apple and a few cubes of low-fat cheese or a low-fat cheese stick
• small container of Greek yogurt with a few blueberries tossed in
• non-fat Haagen Das frozen sorbet bar
• healthy oatmeal cookies and a glass of non-fat milk
• whole wheat pretzels and a small container of 100% orange juice (NO Capri Sun etc.)
• toast with peanut butter and a tiny bit of honey along with a glass of milk (no honey or peanut butter till age 1)
• a hard boiled egg
• toasted whole grain waffles topped with non-fat cream cheese and jam and sliced into thick strips
• Trailmix: combine nuts, pretzels, whole grain cereal, banana chips or other dried fruit, popcorn (only for aged 5 and up) and raisins
• a fruit kebob made with melon balls, pineapple chunks, and cubed peaches, apples or pears
• guacamole with raw veggies and whole wheat crackers
• whole wheat crackers topped with thin slices of cheese and a few apple, orange or pear slices on the side
• a mini Boboli pizza crust (or half a toasted English muffin) topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese and broiled till bubbly
• mini bagel and low fat cream cheese
• bean and cheese quesadillas with chunky salsa
• scrambled egg topped with grated cheese and rolled into a warmed flour tortilla
• ants on a log — celery covered with peanut butter and sprinkled with raisins
• one of these delicious smoothies from AllRecipes

As you can see, there is plenty to choose from. Just remember though, keep up with the rituals that go with mealtimes even though the portions you serve are smaller. Besides fueling their bodies, mealtimes are an important part of family life and socialization so don’t go the “we just graze all day” route. Eat together at the table at established times, make it a no-stress zone (save the talk about problems for later), add conversation and make sure everyone stays for a reasonable amount of time before jumping up. The kids need to learn table manners and social skills and they also need time to bond with their tribe.

Happy eating!

But now, thanks to this diagram from babble.com, we may have a better idea of what’s up with those little urchins! Makes sense, right?

My three are all in periods of vaguely disquieting transition right now and I sit with it in my lap and on my heart, living proof that you never stop being an active parent, whether the worry is this month’s ear infection or big life choices that carry years of consequences.

Older son is in his first year of grad school, on his way to an advanced degree in … wait for it … Philosophy. Younger son is in his last semester of undergrad, facing those scary unemployment numbers out in the real world with his BA in … English Literature. Daughter is waiting on pins and needles for verdicts from the uber-selective college(s) of her choice, and I don’t care how accomplished and self-confident you are, it’s hard for any 17-year-old not to feel judged like a finalist in the Miss America pageant right about now.

These might sound like good problems to have. Each is a result of hard work and the message we sent from the day they were born: Find what you love and go for it, pedal to the metal. Don’t follow any path because someone says you should, or because it’s the direction your friends are going. Choose the road less traveled and make it happen.

Obviously, they all got the memo, but did we forget the addendum?

During our family’s early growing years (those far-away 80′s and 90′s) it seemed like the sky was the limit. We worked hard, we saved, and we were rewarded with a reasonably comfortable and happy life. Those were the days when the latter was an expected result of the former. Our kids were never made to feel that earning a living should be in conflict with self-fulfillment, or that putting food on the table would require compromise as long as you were willing to put in the effort. That seems like such a luxury in today’s economic times.

Husband and I both came from families that appreciated and encouraged an appropriate amount of informed risk (a story for another day), and we passed that on to our own. But here we are in what feels like a different universe, and I’m having serious second thoughts.

Did we make a huge mistake by failing to teach them the value of playing it safe? Sure, it’s great to go for the grand slam, but doesn’t it make sense sometimes to settle for a walk and not risk striking out, as long as you get on base? Did our you can be anything you want to be, as long as you do it well approach point them toward futures filled with disappointment and frustration when they bump up against real limits imposed by the real world?

Maybe we should have pushed engineering and accounting. Maybe we should have demanded practical minors to provide a recession-proof hedge against those liberal arts majors. Maybe we should have pushed harder for the Mandarin and Arabic courses that the more practical students were signing up for. Should have, could have, would have …

I guess what I’m really asking is, will we be to blame if they’re not able to attain the fulfilled and successful working lives we raised them to reach for? Did we send them in the wrong direction by offering an unrealistic vision of what’s possible?

But then I need to remind myself that anything’s possible. The road is theirs, not mine. Ouch.

Bottom line — they will make their own choices and be responsible for the outcomes. As hard as it is to accept that I can’t work my Mommy magic anymore and promise them everything will work out, it’s a fact. And who am I really promising, anyway?

I come full circle and realize it’s my own uncertainty that’s at the root of the feeling in the pit of my stomach, not theirs.

It’s my want to shield Daughter from the sting of the thin envelope, even while I know that disappointment is as powerful a teacher as success. It’s my hope that Younger will land a position that pays the rent and uses his brain, so he’s not trapped in an unskilled job that numbs his spirit — or no job at all. It’s my need to know that Older will finish all those years of schooling and come out into a world where universities still hire Philosophy professors.

The struggle isn’t to be shunned; they’ll struggle no matter what. And I’ll struggle to remind myself … it’s their choice, not ours.

1. The B.R.A.T. for diarrhea. It stands for- Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.

2. BLACK LICORICE will cure their constipation nine times out of ten!

3. The chemical reaction between baking soda and vinegar creates a cooling effect that will soothe your child’s minor burns. Just pour equal amounts of the ingredients into a bowl to bathe your child’s hand till the burning stops.

4. For an earache, use a hot pack big enough so they can lay their head down to relieve the ache.

5. For a headache, before you go for the drugs try these three things: Give them a big drink of water. Rub their head/neck making sure to work out the knots. There is a pressure point between your thumb and pointer finger.

6. For teething take a wash cloth, wet the center with a little water, spread on a Tbl of apple sauce, roll it up, then freeze it. Babies love this b/c it’s sweet, chewy, & cold so it numbs their gums!

7. When their throat is killing them, make them “Grandmas Top Secret Lemon Honey Drink.” Heat 1 cup water, add 1 Tbsp lemon juice, and 1 1/2-Tbsp honey (never give honey to kiddos under 1 year).

* reprinted from pinterest.com

Dear Mamas,

I’ve got a tiger by the tail right here in my own home, and I don’t know how to tame her. My 3 1/2 yo and I are constantly going head to head about the smallest things. It seems like everything I ask her to do is met with resistance.

Getting ready for preschool is a perfect example. She loves preschool — adores it, in fact — but when it comes time to brush her teeth and get dressed to go in the morning she throws a fit. We get into a prolonged battle where I give choices hoping to get buy-in, she agrees but then dawdles, and eventually we get into a full-on struggle and I have to force her physically into her clothes.

By the time we get to school I’m completely exhausted and she bops off happily to greet her teacher. The kicker is she doesn’t pull this number when I’m at work and Dad gets her ready, it’s just with me.

This routine is getting to be a habit and I want to break it before it goes on any longer. Help!

Pamela

Dear Pamela,

Your awareness about what’s going on with you and Tiger Cub is ggrrrrreat! She is indeed engaged in a power struggle with Mom, and I’ll bet the morning routine isn’t the only time you’re seeing it.

Moms and spirited daughters often get into this dance. You, Mom, are the person she is most connected to. You are everything in her world, and she depends on you to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Sure, she adores her daddy, but it’s not the same as the tie with you. And because she’s an independent, feisty little firecracker, she’s ambivalent about the depth of her need. Part of her always wants to remind you and herself … “You’re not the boss of me!!!!!” … even though, at the same time, she knows you are the boss and depends on you to be exactly that. Add in the fact that getting ready for school means she’s separating from you for the day and things really get wild.

Confusing, huh? We never said 3 1/2 year-olds were logical. So you’re going to need to get crafty and find creative ways to defuse the battle and outsmart her to bring peace back to your mornings.

First, try turning the battle upside-down by making it a game, instead. A few ideas:

Offer to time her and make a big deal about setting the kitchen timer or a stop watch. Make it a race … as in, “let’s see who can get dressed first! I’ll race you!” How about “I’ll bet you can’t get your glitter sandals on before I get to the end of the alphabet song!” There are loads of variations on this theme, just tailor it to the imagination of your cub. You can even offer rewards if she beats the clock, preferably an activity she loves or something non-material.

If gamesmanship fails, try stepping out of the fight. One of our favorite rules of parenting (very useful when you approach the teen years) is, “you’re not required to attend every battle you’re invited to.” Let her know that you’ll be leaving in X minutes, and she’ll need to be dressed by then or she’ll be going to school in her PJ’s. Remind her every 10 minutes or so, but don’t engage in the battle. For this approach to be successful you’ll need to keep your tone entirely neutral, as if it makes no difference  either way. If she calls your bluff you must follow through with your act intact. Don’t blow your role and get exasperated or she’ll know she has you. Who really cares if she spends the day in her pajamas?

The key to breaking this cycle is consistency. She needs to know that you mean it and will follow through with whatever consequence you set. She will test you … boy, will she ever, and chances are she’s really good at knowing your soft spots by now. You may need to repeat the same technique several times before she gets the new normal. The power struggle is comfortable for her and it’s what she knows. It will be up to you to send a strong message that it’s not happening any more. If that’s too hard to pull off, maybe Dad can handle morning duty for awhile until a new routine takes hold.

Now that you have a few options, go forth and be fearless. You are smarter than a preschooler!

For more Mamas on facing the power struggle, check out this post from awhile ago …

~ The Mamas

Check out these stats* and then share them with the dad in your life. It may be a shock to both of you.

• The National Longitudinal Survey of Youth found that obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children.

A study that looked at family lifestyle and parent’s Body Mass Index (BMI) over a nine year period found:

• Father’s Body Mass Index (BMI) predicted son’s and daughter’s BMI independent of offspring’s alcohol intake, smoking, physical fitness, and father’s education.
• BMI in sons and daughters was consistently higher when fathers were overweight or obese.
• Physical fitness of daughters was negatively related to their father’s obesity
• Obesity of fathers was associated with a four-fold increase in the risk of obesity of sons and daughters at age 18.
• A father’s body mass index (a measurement of the relative composition of fat and muscle mass in the human body) is directly related to a child’s activity level. In a study of 259 toddlers, more active children were more likely to have a father with a lower BMI than less active children.

A study that looked at dietary intake and physical activity of parents and their daughters over a two year period found:

• Daughter’s BMI was predicted by father’s diet and father’s enjoyment of physical activity.
• As father’s BMI rose, so did daughter’s BMI.
• A study that looked at the relationship between parent’s total and percentage body fat and daughter’s total body fat over a two and one-half year period found that father’s, not mother’s, total and percentage body fat was the best predictor of changes in daughter’s total and percentage body fat.

Two studies that have looked at the determinants of physical activity in obese and non-obese children found:

• Obese children are less likely to report that their fathers were physically active than were the children of non-obese fathers. This was not found for mothers.
• Fathers inactivity is a strong predictor of children’s inactivity.
• Children who live with single mothers are significantly more likely to become obese by a 6-year follow-up, as were black children, children with nonworking parents, children with nonprofessional parents, and children whose mothers did not complete high school.

* from the National Fatherhood Initiative

We hope that everything is going well with all of you out there in Internet Land and that your families are thriving under your watchful, caring eyes. You are our heroes and we thank you for all the love and care you are giving to the current batch of children coming up in the world.

It’s been almost three years since we started this website and we figured it was time to check in with you and find out how we’re doing. As a couple of moms who have “been there and done that,” our #1 goal has always been to provide you with good, useful parenting advice from our combined professional arsenal of knowledge, tips and strategies. We are here to serve and want you to be happy with what you find whenever you do us the honor of stopping by.

So in that spirit, we are asking you to take a moment to let us know a) what you like about MamasOnCall and maybe want more of, b) what you could probably do without, and c) what we should add. In other words if you had a magic wand, how would you change this website to be more of what you’re looking for? If you want more on teenagers, for example, let us know. If you’re searching in vain for strategies to help you raise your kids as a single parent, we want to know. Or, if help in transitioning into the role of parent is what you crave, please speak up.

This is your chance to help us tweak our site and we hope that you’ll take us up on the offer.  Oh, and by the way, we are always delighted to get specific questions about your own family, too, so keep them coming. You need never worry that your identity will be revealed or that we will think your question is silly or stupid. We will not! Promise. No one but us sees your questions and we absolutely value and respect your privacy. And you’d be surprised by how many other parents are grappling with the same mystifying concerns that you are, right at this moment. By being the one to ask, you do them, as well as yourself, a favor.

So please check in and let us know. We really do want to hear from you whether you are a new reader or one of our old-timers. We love you all! You can write to us at Ask the Mamas or through our Contact page.

Thanks and come back again soon!

Dear Mamas,

We have two children and the youngest one is autistic. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. Tim takes a lot of our time and attention and Hannah is often called on to take care of herself so we can attend to Tim. She is a super responsible kid and loves her little brother a lot. She has always been really patient with him, much more than I would have been at her age. The fact is, I really need her help a lot. But sometimes I feel guilty asking her to help with him. My husband thinks she is doing fine and that she understands the situation.

My question is, am I being overly concerned about her? Should she be expected to pick up the slack and help out as much as we need? Or are we asking too much of her?

Feeling Guilty in Tulsa

Dear Guilty,

It’s so great that you are thinking about the impact that your son’s condition might be having on your daughter. She is lucky to have a mom who’s so sensitive because even though she is a “super responsible kid,” she also needs lots of attention from you. And given the circumstances, that might be a challenge – after all there are only so many hours in the day. So it’s really important that you let her know how much you appreciate the sacrifices she must occasionally make on behalf of her brother.

But you don’t need to feel guilty about asking her to pitch in. At seven, there are many things that she can do for herself and she — like all kids — should be encouraged to do as much as she is capable of. Dressing herself, keeping her room picked up, setting the table, brushing her teeth, and distributing clean laundry are just a few examples of things that she can reasonably be expected to help with. These kinds of responsibilities help her to grow, feel confident about herself, and become independent. Plus, they help her to see that she is a valuable, contributing member of her family and that makes her feel proud.

And it’s great that she likes to help out with her brother. She can, most definitely, be expected to do so, sometimes. As long as the expectations are realistic and not beyond what a child her age can or should do, it’s okay. But she should never be made to feel that she is carrying the weight of responsibility for his welfare. So, for example, she should not be expected to babysit him for hours at a time or spend an inordinate amount of time playing with him, or be asked to give up having friends or playdates of her own.

She has to feel confident that her own needs, as well as those of her brother’s, will be taken care of. In order to avoid hurt feelings and resentments down the road it’s important that you give her the attention she needs now in order to thrive and feel secure.

So sit down with your husband and figure out how you can each carve out some special time with your daughter each week that will be safeguarded no matter what! It doesn’t have to be big … just something she can really count on. Make sure that the focus is on her and her life. So, for example, if she is a big reader, you could take her to the library one evening each week and spend half an hour looking for books followed by a stop at the Frozen Yogurt Shop on the way home.

Or, maybe one of you could set aside a half hour each week to bike ride or ice skate together. Or, the two of you could have a regular “Bake Night”  and try out recipes that the whole family can enjoy later. The only caveat is that these experiences are clearly understood to be “special time” that no one — including Tim — can crash. And don’t forget to make them laptop/cell-phone-free.

Knowing that you appreciate her help and that she can look forward to regular time with each of you will help her get through the times when she must be patient and put her immediate needs aside.

Good luck with a tough situation and remember that you’re only human. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so be sure to take care of yourself, too. We’ll be thinking of you!