If you have a child between the ages of 6 months and 6 years you’ve probably been there. Nightmares, or scary dreams, can begin at any point within that time period but are most common between 3 and 6. This is because normal fears begin to develop then and the imaginations of kids in this age group are extremely active.

Most of the time the nightmares come and go without causing much of a problem. They typically involve frightening or unpleasant themes that involve a loss of control or the threat of being hurt. And they are usually associated with a particular stage of development. Toddlers, for example, might dream about being separated from mom or dad while a preschooler might dream about a scary monster.

They are one of the ways that children cope with changes that are going on in their lives. A move to a new neighborhood, the loss or illness of an important person, starting school or having to deal with the stress of their parent’s divorce or separation can all trigger nightmares. Seeing or hearing a scary story, movie, or television show can be quite upsetting to a child and can end up creating one, too. Children are very sensitive to the frightening images and upsetting story lines on many the shows on today.

Sometimes they are caused by fevers or a reaction to a medication. Being overtired, having an irregular sleep schedule or a high degree of stress in the home can also cause nightmares. And they can run in families — about 7% of kids who suffer from nightmares have a sibling or parent with a history as well.

As children get older, gain some mastery over their fears and begin to feel that they have more control in their lives, nightmares happen much less frequently.

But some children, perhaps up to 50% of them, have nightmares that disrupt their sleep and the sleep of their parents in a significant way and cause problems that impact their lives. For them the nightmares occur more often or on a regular basis. These kids are sometimes too tired to function the next day and may suffer from an inability to concentrate or do their schoolwork. They may even be afraid to go to sleep. These children may need professional help in order to overcome their sleep problem.

But the average, everyday, garden-variety type of nightmare is something that you can definitely handle yourself. In fact, there is a lot you can do to help your child get through the immediate ordeal and work towards mastering the fear. And even better, there are definite steps you can take to keep them from happening in the first place.

In general:

• Make sure that you give your child a chance to decompress and quiet down before he goes to bed. Establish a sleep routine that you always follow and that he can count on. When things proceed according to a set plan each night his body will be cued to begin to relax automatically as the routine begins. So figure out what works for you and your family and stick to it. It could be as simple as: bath; P.J.’s; bottle or nursing; saying goodnight to other family members; story or book; pulling down shades; getting tucked in with the same favorite blanket or stuffed animal; kiss and a hug; lights out.
• Set a calm and pleasant tone for bedtime. Talk about fun or happy things before saying goodnight.
• Talk about “Dreamland” together in advance.
• Keep up with what’s going on in her life and take time to discuss issues each day as they occur. If something went wrong at school or with a playmate help her problem-solve ways she could have handled things differently or make it better tomorrow. If it’s beyond her ability to deal with on her own, let her know that you will take care of it or help her to solve it.
• When big changes are coming up or going on talk about them in a reassuring way. Let him know that you will make sure that he will be fine and that you will help him to get through the challenge.
• Reduce the stress level in your household: don’t habitually fight or argue with your spouse in front of her; don’t discuss frightening or stressful things like health issues, financial problems or marital difficulties with her or in her presence.
• Create structure in his day — have a regular schedule for meals, play, school and bedtime.
• Make sure your children don’t watch television shows or movies with violent or frightening themes.

When a nightmare comes:

• Comfort and reassure him that he is okay and that it was just a dream. Let him tell you about it. Say you’re sorry that he got scared and explain that the dream cannot hurt him.
• Don’t tell him he is being silly or a baby. Validate the emotion without exaggerating or dramatizing it.
• Help him shift gears before going back to sleep by reminding him about something fun or good that is coming up.
• Don’t spend the next 20 minute opening all the doors and looking under the bed to prove that there isn’t a monster.
• Leave the bedroom door open and remind him that you are close and can hear him.
• Don’t bring him into your bed. This is likely to set up an expectation that whenever he has a bad dream it’s off to your room. Let him have the opportunity to see that he can handle this on his own.

The next day:

• If she is still bothered by the dream, let her talk about it with you in detail. Let her know that you think it is very interesting and shows what a great imagination she has!
• Then, play a game in which the two of you come up with a different ending where she is victorious or finds a strong ally or pulls out her magic wand and zaps the monster into a tiny frog or whatever works to bring a smile and a sense of mastery and relief. Don’t focus on violent resolutions but encourage the use of creative solutions instead. Have her imagine or visualize the new and improved dream.
• If she likes to do art projects, give her some paper and encourage her to draw a picture and explain it to you. Alternately she can recreate the dream with dolls or toys and talk about what happened that way.
• When nighttime comes, if she is fearful about the dream coming back reassure her but also remind her about the great new ending she created. Plant the idea that she can change it up since it is HER dream and she is the boss.

If he has frequent nightmares or a recurring one:

• Follow instructions above AND …
• Keep a log of what happened the day of the dream: note any issues or problems that came up; note any problems at home, day care, school etc.; note the use of any medications; note any changes or stressful events going on.

When to get help:

• If the nightmares get worse or persist.
• If the content is always violent or really disturbing.
• If nothing seems to change in the dream despite efforts to talk about it or work it out through play, art or rescripting.
• If they interfere with his ability to function during the day.
• If he is taking any medication or has a health issue that could be contributing.
• If your gut tells you something else might be going on.

When one of our gang celebrates a birthday we always serve cake for breakfast. No matter what other plans are laid for the rest of the day, cake for breakfast is an absolute must. I can’t say for sure how this ritual got started, but I believe it went something like this.

It was somebody’s birthday. Maybe it was Younger Son, who’s July date means it’s always the middle of summer vacation when school friends aren’t around. Or maybe it was Husband, who could have been leaving that day on a business trip, and wouldn’t be around to celebrate after the kids got home from school.

In any case, we decided by necessity that first time to plan our party for early in the morning, before we all scattered off to whatever we had going on. So at 7 AM or thereabouts everyone was roused from their beds, candles were lit, Happy Birthday was sung, gifts were opened, and cake was served. The rest is history, and somehow over the years the cake became the centerpiece of it all. The act of eating Mom-sanctioned cake for breakfast was, and is, the most looked-forward-to part of getting another year older.

Each of us has somewhat specific cake requirements. Some of us want ice cream cake (further divided into Carvel fans vs. Baskin-Robbins fans). Some prefer chocolate, chocolate, and more chocolate. Sometimes, an unusual cake request is made in the days leading up to the birthday, and sometimes we mix it up and serve something different for a special birthday (risky, but usually appreciated). Because they know my limitations, no one has ever requested a Mom-baked cake from scratch.

The funny thing is we’re still doing it — even in absentia. With two in college and beyond, there are some birthdays when the honored one isn’t here. And yet we eat cake. When time zones permit we call the birthday kid and announce that we’re eating cake for breakfast, and we hope they are, too. Often I have a cake delivered to them from a local bakery the day before, inscribed with “cake for breakfast”.

I picture Husband and I alone here down the road, the kids having birthday cake for breakfast with their own families. We’ll look at our little cake, feel a bit nauseated (to be honest, cake at the crack of dawn is kind of gross), and take a bite. It’s the circle of life.

So if you have some fun family rituals of your own, keep ‘em going. And you might want to give cake for breakfast (birthdays ONLY!) a try. Before I forget, I strongly recommend those trick candles that don’t blow out easily. The early morning time frame makes them way funnier.

There is a flip side to this equation, though. Yes, you are the teacher but did you ever consider that you can also be the student? True, kids don’t know much about manners or nutrition or how to tie their shoes, make their beds or prepare for a math test. They don’t know how to take turns or make up with a playmate after squabbling over a favorite toy. They can’t cook, drive a car, restrain themselves around an open bar featuring unlimited bowls of skittles or ice cream and they might burn their eyes (and brains) out watching t.v. or playing computer games if no one is around to say, “That’s enough!”

But here’s what they do know (and what you may have forgotten): how to be in the moment with no worries about the future or regrets about the past; how to make time slow down; how to feel their feelings deeply, express them plainly and then let them go; how to say they’re sorry and really mean it; how to find enjoyment in the simplest of activities like playing with an ant and a stick for half an hour; how to forgive and forget; how to become fully absorbed in whatever it is they are doing; how to live with the expectation that all will be well regardless of what’s going on now; how to open their hearts and love with abandon; how to challenge themselves to reach higher and farther than they did the day before; how to make a new friend in seconds; how to judge people based on their personal qualities instead of their looks, income level, job title or social status; how to sleep like a rock; how to express their creativity joyfully without giving a thought to what others might think; how to wonder; and how to greet each day with new eyes and a sense of excitement.

One of the most profound gifts that children bring to us is their willingness to just be who they are without excuses or apologies. They are comfortable in their own skins and able to greet each person who comes into their lives with an open heart and an open mind. In other words, they are real. And that’s why we feel so comfortable around them.

So do yourself a favor while you have the chance. Slow down and pay attention to how your children do these things. Watch them carefully and allow yourself to marvel at their ability to be present and authentic. Join them in their sense of fun and adventure. Relearn how to play, and how to “be”. They have a lot to teach, if we’re willing to listen.

The same goes for talking to your kids.

Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t perfected the technique yet — which is partly why I’m such an advocate. It’s so much easier and more automatic to start ratcheting it up to get their attention. Here’s a familiar scene …

To your 8-year-old: “Honey, it’s time to turn off Super Mario Brothers and start your homework.” No response.

A little louder: “Jake, honey. I said it’s homework time. I’ll give you 30 seconds to finish that up, then it’s going off.” No response.

In your very loudest and most insistent inside voice: “OK, time’s up. DON’T make me come over there and turn it off myself. You’ll be sorry.” Brief upward glance, followed by, “Just a minute, Mom, I’m almost done with level 174!”

By now you’re screaming: “JAKE! I SAID NOW! GO START YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW. AND you’ve LOST that silly game for 48 hours. You can have it back WHEN YOU LEARN TO LISTEN!” You hit the power button and Jake skulks off to do his homework with a less-than-positive attitude. He’s mad, you’re mad and no one’s likely to learn much of anything.

What if, instead, you tried starting off with the same conversational tone in step 1, but instead of raising the decibel level when you’re ignored, take it down a notch. Take a step closer to Jake, let him know you’re there, and repeat your request more quietly in your best I really mean it tone. You know — the one you use when you tell him to put on his bike helmet or his seatbelt. The one that says matter-of-factly “this is non-negotiable.”

All of a sudden, Jake looks up quizzically. Wait … something’s different. Mom’s not getting freaked out. Usually he can count on about 5 minutes before you lose it and this routine comes to its logical conclusion, but not this time. He may have to listen up and see which way things are going.

Chances are it’s going to take more than one round to shift this well-worn pattern, and he may go back to focus on his Wii a time or two before the new normal sinks in, but by that time you’re standing in front of the screen and speaking in a near whisper (serious, neutral, and without anger) when you say, “Jake, homework starts now. You can do it at your desk, or you can bring it to the kitchen table. Which would you like?”

Yup, there’s a new game in town.

I can pretty much guarantee that if you try this, treat it like an experiment, and make a 7 day no-yelling pact with yourself, it’ll pay off. By the end of that time your house will be a quieter, less volatile place and your Jake will be hearing you before your head is ready to explode. Because you’ve trained him to.

Is this starting to sound familiar? If something in the back of your head is saying “I’ve done something like this before”, you’re right. When you taught him to put himself to sleep at 7 or 8 months, that was a training technique, too.

You created a new bedtime routine and you stuck to it even though it was hard. That first night was really tough, and he cried for what seemed like hours (even though it was only 20 minutes). You let him hear your soothing voice through the door every 5 minutes, but you didn’t let yourself go into the room no matter how much you wanted to. The 2nd and 3rd nights got better, and by night 4 he was sleeping through, but you had to stay strong to get there.

The same theory applies. You’re training your kiddo to listen by not yelling. The key is to control your own inner voice that gets louder and louder as you get more and more frustrated. When you get annoyed, you naturally sound agitated and emotional and you’ve lost the battle, just like when you gave up after the 18th or 19th minute of crying and ran in the room to comfort that baby and get the wailing to stop.

Like I said, I haven’t perfected the technique. Last time Younger Son was home from college we got into one of those long, philosophical discussions that are so interesting with young adults. I don’t even recall how we ended up on the subject of career paths and the value of earning power vs. self-growth and inner peace, but … well, you can probably picture how it went.

As our 21-year-old lectured us on the emptiness of traditional Western values, I was struck by how paying his exorbitant college tuition is disturbing his parents’ inner peace. Easy for you to say, Bucko! The conversation went back and forth, and my voice got louder and louder. I was hooked and I knew it, but I couldn’t do a thing about it. We were locked in the idealistic student/time-worn parent dance.

By the time we got to the college-age version of “GO START YOUR HOMEWORK RIGHT NOW” (something like … I’M DONE — it’s 1 AM and I have to get up at 6), I knew we weren’t hearing each other any more.

But it’s never too late, and I know I’m going to nail the training next time.

I’m all for bribery, when it’s used judiciously. Obviously it shouldn’t be the go-to strategy you use on a daily basis. It’s all about moderation but when used sparingly with a dash of creativity behind it, a bribe (or incentive) can really help to get things moving in the right direction. As Mary Poppins, that famous nanny who set the gold standard for positive, effective child rearing once said, “A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

One place where an incentive plan can really pay big dividends is in the area of reading — particularly vacation-time reading. You might have started off the summer determined to see your kids with their noses in a book for at least part of the time. But with so many other distractions and a less-than-enthusiastic response from the kids when the subject came up, you may have decided to give in and let it go.

Some recent news from the research world may give you reason to rethink that decision. The researchers were trying to figure out whether the kind of reading material a child chose made a difference when it came to improving their test scores, building their vocabularies or improving their performances in other non-related subjects. Much to their surprise they found that it didn’t matter at all. Instead, they discovered that reading anything did the trick in all the areas mentioned.

That really made my day because I was one of those parents who happily included the occasional comic book or sports anthology right along with the Newberry Award winners when it came time for summer reading. And I was definitely not beyond offering incentives (okay, bribes) to my kids to get them settled down with a book.

One of the things that we did was visit the book store at the beginning of summer to get ideas about the kinds of books they might like to read. I would buy them one to get them started and then make a list of others to borrow from the library. I promised a penny-a-page but they had to prove that they had actually read the book by giving me a short little book report when they had finished it. Basically, they just had to tell me about the book and then I might flip through it and ask a few questions to make sure they weren’t just trying to con the con man (me). We kept a tally of pages read and at the end of the summer they got their reward.

Another thing we tried was setting up a contest to see who read the most over the summer. Prizes were given to the top three winners. Since I had three kids they were all covered, but the top reader got the best prize by far. Kids love a challenge and they love to compete. This strategy works well and you might want to give it a try now that back-to-school-time is closing in fast. It’s a good way for them to reengage their brains and get back in the habit of reading quietly, on their own.

This Booklist of Children’s Literature can help you find some wonderful books for the kids at your house.

We’re living in crazy, difficult times in 2010. Parenting is more complicated than ever, and the struggle to communicate values and social responsibility to our kids in a world that seems polarized and sometimes value-less can be daunting. It’s worth looking back at cultural benchmarks to consider past lessons learned.

When To Kill a Mockingbird topped best-seller lists in 1960 protesters were organizing sit-ins at whites-only lunch counters, an all-white high school in Little Rock had enrolled nine African-American students, and activists were taking Freedom Rides to integrate public transportation throughout the South. The civil rights movement was under way.

The story is told by Scout, a fearless and spunky little girl growing up without a mother, who learns lessons about courage and doing what’s right while she and her brother, Jem, lose their child-like innocence during a hot summer of the Great Depression. Two stories unfold in tandem: one focuses on Scout and Jem and their fascination with the eccentric, sometimes scary characters in town, while the other follows Atticus and the isolation he faces as he defends his client in the Jim Crow South.

There are countless messages for today’s kiddos in this compelling story, but Harper Lee herself said, “Surely it is plain to the simplest intelligence that To Kill a Mockingbird spells out in words of seldom more than two syllables a code of honor and conduct.”

Racism. African-American children and adults were not safe in the America of the 1930′s (OR 1960′s) — solely because of the color of their skin. Atticus Finch stood up to do the right thing in spite of the social pressure against it.

Class. The story explores disparity of class as well as race. Scout tells her tale from a clearly middle-class perspective, drawing her readers into the story, but at the same time she heeds Atticus’ warning not to judge people from other circumstances until you’ve walked in their shoes.

Courage. Scout displays her feisty courage throughout the story as she stands up to the dark forces, and Atticus teaches a central truth when he tells Jem, “Courage is when you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what”.

Compassion. From Tom Robinson (Atticus’ unjustly-accused client), to Boo Ridley (the neighborhood recluse feared by Scout and Jem), to little Dill (a misfit child visiting his aunt in town for the summer), Scout and Jem learn and demonstrate the value of empathy for others.

Gender. Scout’s mother died when she was too young to remember her, and she’s growing up in a man’s world. Destined to become an early Southern feminist, she clearly embodies the more traditionally masculine qualities of individualism, bravery, and dedication to social justice. No girly Southern Belle here.

The rule of law. The meaning of laws, written and unwritten, are at the heart of this book. Does the law only protect the privileged? Do our cultural rules trump the law of the land? How do our social codes change over time, and what are the unintended consequences of those changes? Atticus (and Gregory Peck in the film) represents the best our laws have to offer, and that inspires us.

The death of innocence. Each character in the story loses a good measure of naivete along the way. In the end they see the world as a more complicated, yet richer, place. Without ruining the ending, it’s inevitable that virtue does not always triumph, and truth doesn’t always win. Yet Scout learns that most human beings, while misunderstood, want to do the right thing.

And then there’s that title … the symbol of the mockingbird represents the theme of innocence. Mockingbirds never harm other living creatures, they only provide music with their songs. When Atticus gives Scout and Jem air rifles for Christmas (remember, this is Alabama in the mid-20th century) he warns that, while they can set their sights on all the bluejays they want, they must never kill a mockingbird. It is a sin.

The story returns to this again and again, as innocents like Tom Robinson are faced with circumstances of tragedy and defeat and struggle to rise above them. And don’t let the family name — Finch — go unnoticed.

Powerful lessons for our kids? You bet. So consider going back and re-reading this modern classic through your parent eyes. Or, better yet, start a new bedtime ritual and cuddle up as a family to read it aloud. The movie’s awesome, too, and offers a great “compare and contrast” opportunity when you’ve finished the book.  

But I want to share a specific strategy that I started using with my own kids when they were tiny. It not only works but stretches their imaginations and shows them how to tune in to messages from their subconscious minds, too! I’m talking about teaching them how to plan and remember their dreams. It’s a great game and one that I’ll bet they come to love as much as mine did (and do).

I got to thinking about this after I saw the movie Inception a couple days ago. Have you seen it? It’s about a guy who gets hired to enter the dreams of another guy in order to implant an idea that will make him do something in his waking life. Basically the hired man is trying to control the other man through his dreams. It’s a kind of fantasy thriller but lots of fun, especially since it zeros in on one of my favorite activities — dreaming.

Why we dream has long been a subject for debate. But most people believe that we can use dreams to work through issues we are struggling with or make sense out of something upsetting that has happened. Early in my second pregnancy, for example, I was very worried about the possibility of miscarriage.

One night I went to sleep and began dreaming that I was having a miscarriage. I was spotting and was taken to a hospital and put on a gurney and taken in to an operating room. The doctor examined me and said, “She’s having a miscarriage.”  I panicked and felt this incredible feeling of horror but then suddenly I realized that I was dreaming. At that point I sat up and said to the doctor, “No. That’s wrong. This is my dream and I’m in charge and I am NOT having a miscarriage.” I got off the operating table and walked away. Then I woke up and after that my fears about miscarriage were gone.

Beyond helping us to solve problems or work through tough emotions dreams can also be pure and simple fun! But most of us don’t remember our dreams and so we don’t get the full benefit of what is shown to us while we are sleeping. Fewer still have figured out how to be actively awake while literally asleep.

Luckily though, we can train ourselves to remember our dreams and can even influence what we dream about to a degree. Since most people spend around two hours each night dreaming, it’s worth a try. And it’s a great thing to teach your children how to do.

When I was growing up, my mom would ask my brothers, sisters and me what we had dreamed about each morning as we sat around the table eating our cereal. Since we were fresh from sleep our dreams were often still clear and we would discuss them in detail. We would laugh about the silly or scary situations we had encountered and it did a lot to stimulate our imaginations and story-telling abilities.

We were encouraged to think about our dreams, remember them and share them. I loved this ritual and so when my own children were young I continued the tradition that I had grown up with. But I went a step further and started a game that we played at bedtime called “Going to Dreamland.”

Here’s how it works: sometime after dinner I would start asking them where they wanted to go that night. They knew I meant once they had fallen asleep and were dreaming. We called the place we went to Dreamland and I explained that they could do anything they wanted to do there. Nothing was off limits and I encouraged them to come up with a rich and detailed story about what they wanted to experience that night as they slept.

Around Christmas time they would often want to visit Santa at the North Pole and help the elves make toys. My daughter loved dolphins and made up a story about a magical dolphin who could swim, fly and talk. She could ride him in the sea or in the air because she could breathe underwater. I would help her think about things they could do together and places around the world they could visit. Sometimes she wanted me to come along and other times she wanted to go all by herself with her sea creature friend.

Because little children often hate the separation from their parents that comes with saying goodnight, I would often tell them that I would meet them in their dreams once they were deeply asleep. As part of our night time ritual we would make a plan for where we would be going that night. Once the details had been ironed out, they were happy and excited to get to sleep so they could go to Dreamland.

I played this up seriously but with a lot of enthusiasm and a twinkle in my eye. It was easy for me to help them weave a wonderful, imaginative plan for the night and to get excited with them. Because after all, anything can happen when you’re dreaming!

The next morning we would talk about their dreams and they would fill the room with their funny stories and outrageous adventures. I’m sure that they stretched the truth regularly but to me that was a valuable part of the experience. It was about conjuring possibilities and these early morning discussions did much to build their imagination muscles.

My children all loved this game and to this day they love to go to sleep and also to talk about their dreams. No insomniacs at this house!

So give it a try. Start talking with your children about dreams and how much fun they can be. Ask them to tell you about their dreams in the morning and introduce them to the magical place called Dreamland. It’s free, always open, and you can take them there every night. They can also eat as much candy as they want and do all the things they can’t do in their more ordinary life like fly or be a king or talk to animals. How could they resist?

Added bonus: it may make saying goodnight a lot more fun.

Newsflash!

New research from Ohio State University published in the journal Pediatrics supports a simple, yet elegant prevention strategy for the national explosion of childhood obesity. The study suggests that preschool-aged kids have a lower risk of obesity if they regularly engage in three specific household routines: eating dinner as a family, getting adequate sleep and limiting their weekday television viewing time.

The study showed that 4-year-olds living in homes with all three routines had an almost 40 percent lower prevalence of obesity than children living in homes that practiced none of them. The routines were protective even among groups that typically have a high risk of obesity, including children who’s mother is obese, those living below the poverty line, and those growing up in single-parent homes.

This is huge, folks, and it backs up what we’ve been saying over and over. In just three easy steps (well, maybe not easy, but certainly do-able) we can turn this thing around. What does each of these mean to the life of your family, and how can we help make them a habit?

Eat dinner as a family. For all you soccer, ballet, piano lesson, math tutoring and full-time-job moms out there …I feel your pain, and I know how hard it is to actually make this happen on a regular basis. It seems overwhelming and all but impossible. Sometimes all you can manage on the run is a few baby carrots, a Power Bar and a healthy bowl of my boyfriends, Ben & Jerry, when you get home. I know where you live.

But let me offer a different angle on dinnertime. What if you decided to block out the hours between, say, 6:00 and 7:00 PM for family time? What if you just say “NO” to other activities that cut into that time? What if you start with 2 or 3 nights a week, grab a handful of quick ‘n healthy recipes (Rachael Ray is a good starting place), and give it a try for a 2 week trial period? Start slow and make sure everyone shows up … you just might get hooked.

Make bedtime count. We talk about this all the time, and by now you know that kids need plenty of sleep. But how much exactly? Here’s the breakdown, according to WebMD.

1-3 Years Old: 12 – 14 hours per day

3-6 Years Old: 10 – 12 hours per day

7-12 Years Old: 10 – 11 hours per day

12-18 Years Old: 8 – 9 hours per day

This is only going to happen if you set a reasonable bedtime for your guys and make it stick. That means if your 8-year-old 3rd grader needs to fit in, let’s say, 10 1/2 hours of zzz time before his alarm goes off at 7 AM, he’d better be well on his way to REM by 8:30. This may seem impossible if they’ve gotten used to staying up for American Idol and falling into bed exhausted right around the time you do, so don’t try the cold turkey approach.

Start moving school night bedtimes back by about 15 minutes at a time. Keep it there for a few days while they adjust and then take another step back. Repeat until you reach a time that works. If their favorite TV show is a roadblock, vow to tape it for family viewing later or on the weekend. Value added? You’ll find yourself with some alone time you didn’t have before. I say that’s a win-win.

Limit TV time. I know, I just finished telling you to tape their favorite shows, but those need to be included in a sensible amount of time spent in front of the screen. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids under 2 years old not watch any TV (no, not even those Baby Einstein videos) and that those older than 2 watch no more than 1 to 2 hours a day.

If this is way out of line with what your kiddos are watching now, try the gradual approach described above for bedtime. Decrease viewing time in a step-wise way until your family goal is reached. Use that extra time for creative, active play — outdoors if possible. Some basic family rules that can help get you there …

Keep TVs out of bedrooms.Turn the TV off during meals. Don’t allow kids to watch TV while doing homework. Treat TV as a privilege to be earned — not a right, and set a good example by limiting your own TV viewing.

And what about video games? That’s screen time too, and ideally it should be included. As a compromise, try replacing some of those sedentary games with Wii Fit or other movement-based ones.

We can turn this crisis of obesity around. Transforming these three simple routines can make all the difference. Try it in your house.

For many parents though, it remains a puzzle as to why. “Is it just genes?” they might ask. “Is it luck? Or, do I just suck at being a parent?” Most likely none of the above. Anyone can be a good and effective parent if they really want to be. But they must be willing to take the time to learn and practice the skills that will get them there. Good parenting, after all, is a knowledge-based art.

For years, researchers have worked to discover which parenting style creates the most positive effects in children. The results are in and have become crystal clear. In all, there are four dominant styles of parenting: authoritarian, permissive, authoritative, and uninvolved. Only one contains the secret formula for parenting success.

The authoritarian model (think Joan Crawford in Mommy Dearest) features the bad-ass parent — the one who is demanding, strict, rigid and emotionally distant. “Do it because I said so,” is the strategy they use to get things done — not once-in-awhile when they’ve hit the wall but pretty much all of the time. They place a high value on rules and obedience but don’t tend to explain why the rules are there or why particular behaviors are expected.

And their kids are not allowed much of a say. When children of authoritarian parents don’t follow the rules they are scolded harshly and punished. Period. There is not much room for mistakes or excuses. These parents do not show much warmth or affection towards their children and are intrusive and controlling.

Although this style of parenting can produce obedient children who perform pretty well they are unhappy, have low self-esteem and poor social skills. They are often overly submissive and have a hard time standing up for themselves or taking an “I” position. Many of the children that I have seen from this kind of family grow up to resent their parents and distance themselves from them as soon as they get the chance.

The permissive model (think Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne) features parents who overindulge their child and set few, if any, rules, limits, routines or expectations for behavior. These parents want their children to like them. As a result, they tend to be overly nurturing and try to get their child to see them as a friend.

They offer their child many choices and much power, even when the child is incapable of choosing due to her age or developmental level. “Where should we have dinner tonight?” they might ask their three-year-old and then happily follow her suggestion even if her choice is that fancy, expensive restaurant 20 miles away.

They have low expectations regarding behavior and rescue or make excuses for their child when he is in trouble. Permissive parents make no demands and provide little guidance or structure. In a way, these parents seem to see their child as a mini-adult capable of operating competently in the adult world without the benefit of having been taught how to do so.

Permissive parents produce children who also score low when it comes to happiness and self-esteem. They often act-out in school or social settings and many demonstrate a high level of aggression. They have difficulties with self-regulation and perform poorly in school. As adults they are often very resentful towards their parents and express anger that they weren’t taught the life skills they needed in order to succeed.

The uninvolved model (think the mother in the movie “Precious”) features parents who are pretty much checked-out when it comes to their children. The kids are expected to fend for themselves and the parents do not provide warmth, structure, safety, discipline or reasonable expectations. The basic necessities like food and shelter are provided in some fashion, but communication is extremely limited and the parents are not responsive to the child’s needs. In the worst cases this style of parenting (or non-parenting) results in serious neglect.

Children from these families fare the worst across the board. They have low self-esteem, little self-control and few social skills. They often end up in trouble and have a hard time finding success of any kind in life.

The authoritative model (think The Cosbys) features parents who help their children to become independent and responsible by setting clear and reasonable expectations for their behavior. They work on reinforcing behaviors they like by noticing and commenting on them when they see them. Instead of relying on punishment and threats, they teach appropriate behavior through discussion, example, and follow-through.

Authoritative parents establish rules and structure but take the time to explain why the rules are needed and allow their children to ask questions. At the same time, their children are shown that the family has a hierarchy and that the parents are in charge. They make and enforce the rules, but as the child grows and becomes capable of handling more freedom and responsibility, the rules change to match his new level of competence.

When children break the rules or get in trouble, they may get punished but they will also get a clear explanation for why the parents are upset and a chance to talk about why the behavior was wrong and how they can make a better choice in the future.

The tone that authoritative parents take with their children is firm but also warm and nurturing. They are involved in their child’s life but not in a way that is intrusive or overly controlling. They spend quality time with their children and treat them with kindness and respect. As a result, their children feel loved and supported by them.

Their children learn that they are important and have a valuable contribution to make to the family by being expected to help out with assigned chores that match their age and ability.

The children of authoritative parents are happy and competent and capable of solid relationships with peers and other adults. They are the ones who thrive in every way — socially, academically and emotionally.

So, that’s it. As you can see, the style to shoot for is the authoritative one. Look for good role models in the families you know and read about how to develop the skills that lead to parenting success. A good book to start with is called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, Ed.D.

The health facts about our kids are the most glaring and the most tragic:

* More than 1/3 of youth from 10 – 17 are overweight or obese.

* 84% of parents believe their children are of healthy weight.

* This generation is the first ever at risk of living sicker and dying younger than their parents.

* Youth obesity rates may threaten US national security, as more than 1/4 of our young people will be too unhealthy to be eligible for the armed forces.

Did you hear that?? The obesity epidemic is on track to threaten our country’s national security. If that doesn’t make you sit up and take notice, nothing will.

While 80 percent of Americans recognize that childhood obesity is a critical and rapidly growing challenge for the country, and 50 percent believe childhood obesity is such an important issue that we need to take government action to prevent it immediately, more than 12 million children and teens are obese, and that number is rising every day.

I won’t recite the adult figures here, but they’re even worse, and they echo the truth that we already know: Fat moms and dads raise fat kids. But in spite of the dire nature of the news, there are glimmers of hope (I would never leave you feeling hopeless).

Here’s one that’s sure to impress.

10-year-old Marshall Reid weighs 162 pounds — enough to put him in the obese category — but he’s determined to do something about it.

Inspired by the movie, “Super Size Me”, the 2004 documentary that tells the story of Morgan Spurlock and his month-long diet of super sized McDonald’s meals, Marshall and his sister have decided to do the opposite and eat only healthy food for 31 consecutive days this summer. He calls the project “Portion Size Me”, and cnnhealth.com plans to follow along.

How great is that? This 5th grader is taking control of his life and his health. He’s owning it as he lists the grams of sodium, calories and fat in his food in homemade videos that will be posted on youtube.  He reads nutrition labels and explains that avocados and sweet potatoes are good and good for you. He’s a role model for overweight and normal weight kids everywhere. Go Marshall!

So that got me thinking. While there’s no doubt that it’s our responsibility as adults to provide healthy food and activity for our children, isn’t it even more effective if we help them find the tools and motivation to make changes themselves? Let’s come up with creative ways to trade the power struggle for empowerment and encourage them to choose health, like Marshall did. Even the youngest kiddos love a contest, so try a few of these …

* Help your kids plant an indoor or outdoor garden. Start with seeds or small plants and chart the growth by day or week. Lettuce, tomatoes, squash, even strawberry plants will grow well in pots. Make sure the little guys are responsible for watering and care.

* Host healthy recipe cook-offs for your kids and their friends. Assemble a number of nutritious, yummy ingredients and let them create delicious combinations. Set a time limit and have a panel of judges declare the winner.

* Make the supermarket fun. While you’re slogging through your grocery list, send the kids off on a food label scavenger hunt. They might search for breakfast cereals with less than 8 g. of sugar per serving or snack items with no preservatives (good luck with that). Make it a competition complete with prizes, if possible.

* Set them loose in the pantry. If you’re anything like me, there’s stuff in there that you haven’t seen in months (years?). They can organize piles on the kitchen counter divided into categories — healthy, so-so, and not-fit-for-human-consumption. Kids love to call us out on our mistakes, so if they find those Twizzlers you hid in the back corner, all the better. Let them decide what to keep and what to toss, then reorganize and replace it. Now that’s value added!

* Start a group project. Have the neighborhood kids keep a family food diary for several days. Write down everything eaten throughout the day and compare lists at the end. I guarantee that having your neighbors inspecting your meals will have an impact on what you choose to serve.

The general idea is to turn the tables. Instead of saying “no, you can’t”, you’re saying “try this game, it’s fun”. I bet you’ll find yourself getting caught up in the competition, too. Before you know it, little by little, old habits start shifting and new ones take root.

Give it a try. Their lives depend on it, and ours just might too.