My three are all in periods of vaguely disquieting transition right now and I sit with it in my lap and on my heart, living proof that you never stop being an active parent, whether the worry is this month’s ear infection or big life choices that carry years of consequences.

Older son is in his first year of grad school, on his way to an advanced degree in … wait for it … Philosophy. Younger son is in his last semester of undergrad, facing those scary unemployment numbers out in the real world with his BA in … English Literature. Daughter is waiting on pins and needles for verdicts from the uber-selective college(s) of her choice, and I don’t care how accomplished and self-confident you are, it’s hard for any 17-year-old not to feel judged like a finalist in the Miss America pageant right about now.

These might sound like good problems to have. Each is a result of hard work and the message we sent from the day they were born: Find what you love and go for it, pedal to the metal. Don’t follow any path because someone says you should, or because it’s the direction your friends are going. Choose the road less traveled and make it happen.

Obviously, they all got the memo, but did we forget the addendum?

During our family’s early growing years (those far-away 80′s and 90′s) it seemed like the sky was the limit. We worked hard, we saved, and we were rewarded with a reasonably comfortable and happy life. Those were the days when the latter was an expected result of the former. Our kids were never made to feel that earning a living should be in conflict with self-fulfillment, or that putting food on the table would require compromise as long as you were willing to put in the effort. That seems like such a luxury in today’s economic times.

Husband and I both came from families that appreciated and encouraged an appropriate amount of informed risk (a story for another day), and we passed that on to our own. But here we are in what feels like a different universe, and I’m having serious second thoughts.

Did we make a huge mistake by failing to teach them the value of playing it safe? Sure, it’s great to go for the grand slam, but doesn’t it make sense sometimes to settle for a walk and not risk striking out, as long as you get on base? Did our you can be anything you want to be, as long as you do it well approach point them toward futures filled with disappointment and frustration when they bump up against real limits imposed by the real world?

Maybe we should have pushed engineering and accounting. Maybe we should have demanded practical minors to provide a recession-proof hedge against those liberal arts majors. Maybe we should have pushed harder for the Mandarin and Arabic courses that the more practical students were signing up for. Should have, could have, would have …

I guess what I’m really asking is, will we be to blame if they’re not able to attain the fulfilled and successful working lives we raised them to reach for? Did we send them in the wrong direction by offering an unrealistic vision of what’s possible?

But then I need to remind myself that anything’s possible. The road is theirs, not mine. Ouch.

Bottom line — they will make their own choices and be responsible for the outcomes. As hard as it is to accept that I can’t work my Mommy magic anymore and promise them everything will work out, it’s a fact. And who am I really promising, anyway?

I come full circle and realize it’s my own uncertainty that’s at the root of the feeling in the pit of my stomach, not theirs.

It’s my want to shield Daughter from the sting of the thin envelope, even while I know that disappointment is as powerful a teacher as success. It’s my hope that Younger will land a position that pays the rent and uses his brain, so he’s not trapped in an unskilled job that numbs his spirit — or no job at all. It’s my need to know that Older will finish all those years of schooling and come out into a world where universities still hire Philosophy professors.

The struggle isn’t to be shunned; they’ll struggle no matter what. And I’ll struggle to remind myself … it’s their choice, not ours.

We hope that everything is going well with all of you out there in Internet Land and that your families are thriving under your watchful, caring eyes. You are our heroes and we thank you for all the love and care you are giving to the current batch of children coming up in the world.

It’s been almost three years since we started this website and we figured it was time to check in with you and find out how we’re doing. As a couple of moms who have “been there and done that,” our #1 goal has always been to provide you with good, useful parenting advice from our combined professional arsenal of knowledge, tips and strategies. We are here to serve and want you to be happy with what you find whenever you do us the honor of stopping by.

So in that spirit, we are asking you to take a moment to let us know a) what you like about MamasOnCall and maybe want more of, b) what you could probably do without, and c) what we should add. In other words if you had a magic wand, how would you change this website to be more of what you’re looking for? If you want more on teenagers, for example, let us know. If you’re searching in vain for strategies to help you raise your kids as a single parent, we want to know. Or, if help in transitioning into the role of parent is what you crave, please speak up.

This is your chance to help us tweak our site and we hope that you’ll take us up on the offer.  Oh, and by the way, we are always delighted to get specific questions about your own family, too, so keep them coming. You need never worry that your identity will be revealed or that we will think your question is silly or stupid. We will not! Promise. No one but us sees your questions and we absolutely value and respect your privacy. And you’d be surprised by how many other parents are grappling with the same mystifying concerns that you are, right at this moment. By being the one to ask, you do them, as well as yourself, a favor.

So please check in and let us know. We really do want to hear from you whether you are a new reader or one of our old-timers. We love you all! You can write to us at Ask the Mamas or through our Contact page.

Thanks and come back again soon!

First, some reassurance. 99% of poop is perfectly normal, and it changes as your baby grows.

The look, smell, and amount is a direct result of what’s going IN the other end, and how it’s affected by digestion in the GI tract. The newborn who’s breast-fed-only will probably have poop that’s about the color and consistency of mustard up to several times a day (that’s after they’ve gotten rid of the mucous and dark meconium of fetal life). A babe on a formula diet will go less often, maybe once a day or every other, and it will be darker, stinkier, and firmer. If you see some green mixed in, that’s OK. All nutrition is not digested equally.

A quick note about constipation. The word refers to poop that is very hard or difficult to pass. It’s rare for a breast-only baby to become constipated. Mother nature pretty much takes care of that. Occasionally, formula fed infants will have a bit of trouble, so if it looks like yours is straining to the point of pain (as opposed to pushing and grunting which is normal), check with your pediatrician. There are some simple tricks that can help loosen the log jam. According to Web MD, constipation becomes more common as kids get older, and may reach 10% as children approach school age.

When you start to feed solids (4 – 6 months) things change. Strained fruit and veggies may vary the color and texture of poop a bit, but it’s nothing to worry about. When you add animal products smells get stronger, colors get darker, and diaper rash may become more of a problem. Meat is irritating — no matter how you cut it.

And now, on to the question I hear most often: When babies start finger foods, like bite-sized pieces of vegetables and fruits, is it normal for them to show up undigested in the diaper? Is it harmful? Yes, it’s normal. No harm done. When babies have only a few front teeth, they’re not able to chew food completely and much of it will be swallowed whole. Stomach juices and digestive action will extract a good part of the nutritional value, but you may well see what appears to be whole bites show up in the diaper. Have no fear, this is mostly the fiber ‘shell’ that never got chewed.

Sometime between 2 1/2 and 3 1/2, your little guy will start poopin’ in the potty and your daily examination will come to an end — not a moment too soon. Most of our concern is a result of the up-close-and-personal nature of diaper changing.

That said, here are the poop characteristics that should send you to the pediatrician right away:

Red blood in the diaper in any amount.

Black, tarry stool that’s significantly different than before.

White or colorless stool.

Bulky, fatty stool that persists and floats in the toilet.

Enough about poop! Go forth in peace …

It was a responsible, by-the-book approach that worked great for a long time. Asthma was seen by son and parents as simply a part of life and this kid happily complied with the program.

But then, the child became a teenager. No longer could this mom take matters into her own hands when the warning signs flared up. Now she had to convince her son that it was the necessary thing to do. She found herself having this conversation often and it drove her wacko:

Mom: Hey, I hear you coughing a lot today. Sounds like asthma to me.

Son: Mom, I’m fine! I just have a little cold.

Mom: Really? Do you have a runny nose or sore throat or any other symptoms or is it just the cough?

Son: Mom, I’m not a baby. I know when I have asthma and I feel fine. Relax!

Mom: Well, yeah, but that cough is your symptom that asthma is starting and you need to get on it now before it really gets going.

Son: Mom, my chest feels fine. Seriously, I know when I need it. God! You treat me like such a baby!

Mom knew that this teen, like all teens with chronic medical conditions, didn’t want to face the fact that he needed to take his medicine regularly and monitor his condition closely. She knew that he saw himself as invulnerable to danger and able to manage his life with little help from the grown-ups. Having to take medicine wasn’t cool, and despite what he said, she knew that sometimes he just plain forgot to pay attention. But his overall health was good and his asthma didn’t really cause him much trouble.

Then he went to college. The climate there was very cold (cold air can trigger asthma), and it was hundreds of miles from home. New germs, new schedules, new routines (or lack of them), and total freedom to attend to his asthma or not created a riskier situation. Mom could occasionally hear the little achhh, achhhh cough that made her brain light up in fear when she talked to him on the phone and she felt her helplessness increase.

But now there was little she could do except hope for the best. Until last week. Here’s what happened:

Son, home for winter break, had been coughing for a week and blowing it off, as usual. Mom decided to institute a covert mission. Moms are smart that way. So she called her son’s pulmonologist and got his nurse on the line:

Mom: Here’s what I’m dealing with — I’ve got an adolescent who’s symptomatic and in denial about his asthma. I know it’s his age that’s getting in the way, and I need help from you guys. He’s home from college and we’re doing our dance about whether he needs his medication. I hear his cough, which I know is his symptom, and tell him to start the meds and he argues that he doesn’t need them.

Nurse: Oh boy.

Mom: He thinks it’s not asthma unless his chest is tight and he’s wheezing. I need you to explain what that cough means and help him understand that he has to be proactive and nip it in the bud. Will you please help me? He doesn’t want to hear it from his mom, but he might listen to the doctor. I promise to let you guys do the talking and not to gloat too much in the background.

Nurse: (laughing) I totally get it. Adolescents are notoriously bad about taking medication. Bring him in and we’ll read him the riot act, but nicely of course.

So Mom told Son they were going in for his annual asthma exam. She said she was glad because she wanted to find out once and for all (even though she already knew) what that little cough meant. She was curious, she said. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe it was just a bit of a cold and it didn’t signal asthma. “Fine,”he said. “No problem, sounds good.”

On the way, Mom kept things light and conversational. She didn’t talk about asthma or medicine. Mostly they just talked about sports. As the nurse walked them into the examination room she said to the son, “Wow, you sound a little winded just from the walk in. Is your asthma flaring up now?” Shocked son said, “No, I just have a slight cold.” Mom winked conspiratorially to Nurse and sat down feeling really good about what was about to happen.

As Nurse started to quiz Son on what was going on, she casually mentioned his cough.

Nurse: I hear a little achh, achhh.

Son: Yeah, I just have a little cold.

Nurse: Are you sure you’re not in denial? Because that cough could definitely be a symptom that your asthma is acting up.

At this point, Mom is pinching herself to keep from breaking into song and working hard to keep her face a bland combination of matter-of-fact and mildly curious.

Mom: Really? Is that right? The cough IS asthma? Because we have wondered about that. So let me get this straight – even though his chest isn’t tight yet and he’s not wheezing, he actually does have asthma and you know that because of the little cough?

Nurse: Well, we’ll have the doctor confirm it but most likely, yes. And the funny thing is that even when people are having symptoms they often don’t even notice them. One of the nurses here was constantly clearing her throat and finally I asked her when she was going to see the ENT about it. She didn’t know what I was talking about. She had no idea that she was clearing her throat every few minutes. So it was pretty funny. She did have a problem but wasn’t even aware of it.

Son: Huh.

In walks Doctor, who greets Son with a handshake and a warm hello. He gives Mom a quick nod but focuses, lazer-like, in on the gangly young man sprawled on the examination table.

Doctor: So, how’s college going? Haven’t seen you for a while.

Son: Great, I really like it. Everything’s good.

Doctor: How’s your asthma been? Have you had any problemas with it at all?

Son: Oh, no. Nothing really. It’s been fine.

Mom: (Silently, to herself) WHAT? Everything’s fine? Is he serious?

Doctor: Really? Nothing at all? Have you needed your inhaler at all since the school year began?

Son: Well yeah, a few times I’ve had to use it but not much.

Doctor: What about the other medicine for prevention? Are you using that?

Son: Just when I have asthma and then for a couple weeks after the symptoms go away.

Doctor: Yeah, I gotta tell you. I see this situation with people your age all the time. It’s really a typical thing with you guys and I want you to pay attention to what I’m going to tell you. You don’t think you need to take your medicine until you have a real problem going on but that’s not how it’s meant to be used. You get away with it for a while because you’re young and have a lot of good lung function but that can change fast and then you can have really serious problems. And believe me, you don’t want that, it’s not a pleasant experience.

As the doctor laid out the facts, clearly and emphatically, Mom listened in awe and wondered where she could erect a statue in his honor. He struck just the right tone and her son listened and took the information in in a way that he hadn’t before. The doctor was bold (You’re probably going to have this for the rest of your life…) but reassuring (…but if you just take one puff per day of the medicine, most likely you won’t have any problems or even much need the inhaler).

And he even got him to see that the blasted achhhh achhh was indeed a real symptom of asthma and not just a little cough. Mom didn’t have to say a thing. She got to melt into the background and watch the magic happen.

Once back in the car, after the doctor had extracted a promise from the young man to take his medicine every day, Mom asked him what he had heard.

Son: Oh, he just basically said that if I take the medicine 90% of the time, I’ll be fine.

Mom: What do you mean 90% of the time? He said every day!

Actually, at one point he HAD said 90% of the time — that idiot. Mom started to rethink the statue idea. Maybe a plaque would be more appropriate. Clearly, that doctor didn’t have adolescents. He didn’t realize that they will always focus on that one piece of information, thrown out without thinking, that fits best with their view of the world.

Oh well, that’s a battle for another day. At least her mission had been mostly successful and she could let go and loosen up a little more.

But as they drove off, she was once again left wondering when, if ever, she would be able to completely stop worrying about her kids. I think I know the answer but she probably wouldn’t want to hear it.

It started way back before Christmas when the family (Mom) packed up for a pilgrimage to Florida to visit the grandparents. All five of us, plus Older Son’s girlfriend, headed out in the pre-Christmas dawn (on THE busiest air travel day of the year, according to our shuttle driver), to bask in the tropical sun and have some much-needed multigenerational together time.

In the weeks leading up to the trip I booked tickets for six, figured out airport transportation, reserved rental cars, packed up and mailed boxes of gifts and decoration for eight nights of Chanukah, counted luggage, herded cats, and ordered a partridge in a pear tree on Amazon.com. Well, not that last one.

After a few blissful days of eating and drinking too much, making a small dent in the pile of reading I’ve collected, and spending lots of time with the people I love most in the world — never mind that much of it was spent preparing meals and cleaning up afterwards — we all shifted gears and headed north, with the grandparents in tow, to join more family and honor the 90th birthday of our beloved Aunt Ruth.

This leg of our journey required another set of air reservations (curses on Continental Airlines, who apparently believes it’s perfectly alright to toss those seat assignments you spend hours choosing online and randomly spread your party of nine in middle seats all over the plane), hotel rooms, cold weather clothing, two more rental cars, and a whole new set of logistical gymnastics.

After a wonderful celebration that made it all worthwhile, we headed home to a new house we moved into just three weeks ago, where mountains of cardboard boxes awaited. And did I fail to mention that we’d innocently evited 75 of our closest friends to an open house gathering on New Year’s Eve, just three days away at this point? Yes, I  am a certifiably insane overachiever. You can undoubtedly fill in the rest of that story.

I just noticed this post is a series of run-on sentences that read like a grocery list of overwhelming, unenviable tasks. That’s perfect.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining or looking for sympathy. I’m not bashing Husband or my wonderful children. Far from it. They’re independent near-adults who do a great job of taking care of themselves and enthusiastically offer help whenever they can. But that’s just it. They help. They don’t organize. They don’t manage. They don’t take responsibility and handle stuff. They help.

And you know what? I’m to blame. It’s my fault. Mea culpa. Because I jump on all of it — every last bit. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I took care of every detail. Did something slip by? Did I confirm all thirteen car rentals? Did I order enough food for hundreds? Are everyone’s emotional needs met? Have I made sure no one will ever be let down? Double sure?

It’s exhausting, and I’m willing to bet almost every mom reading this — no matter how helpful and hands-on your partner is — can relate to the feeling.

We take it on and we figure it out. We delegate what we can and oh-so-efficiently handle the rest. We make the sun rise in the morning and the moon come up at night. Seriously. And most of us have full-time jobs on the outside at the same time. We’re livin’ the dream.

Back in the dark ages of the 1970′s, Ms., the nascent feminist magazine, published an article called I Want a Wife, by Judy Brady. It outlined all the things we women provide, all the roles we fill, all the under-appreciated tasks we perform to allow the comfortable lives lived by our families. I read that article some years later when my own kids were small and thought, YES! A wife is exactly what I need.

What surprises me after all this time is that not much has changed. My family has grown up, I’ve shifted careers a couple of times, and we’ve all learned and evolved. But at the center of it I’m still organizing and managing like a crazy person. I’m care-taking as fast as I can. Deep down, I suppose I must like it this way. But what I’d really like, Gloria Steinem, is a wife.

How ’bout you?

Before our kids get there we hear about those annoying teenage years and tend to minimize them until suddenly, we are smack dab in the middle of it all. True, some teens seem to sail through those years virtually problem-free and give us little to worry about. But many of them will put us through the ringer on and off for several years. If you’re one of those going through it now, take heart, you’re not alone. Hormones, brain development, and changes in their bodies and what’s expected of them all contribute.

In many ways they are going to have to go through whatever it is that they are going to have to go through. It’s simply their own personal passage through a challenging time in their lives. And the vast majority will come through it fine. But as it’s happening, parents often feel left out (or thrown out) and their feelings get hurt. It’s inevitable.

“How could this be happening to me?” you might wonder. The sunny kid who used to love to hang out with you as you cooked dinner or shuffled through late afternoon paperwork and emails now wants nothing more than to head to his room the minute he gets home from school.

At dinner he may not want to say too much or, on the other hand, he may have plenty to say — mostly about how uninformed, out-of-date, and downright wrong you are about everything! The eyes roll, the head shakes back and forth, the smirks multiply, and you can’t understand any of it.

At this point, some parents are so desperate to reclaim the warm, comfortable relationship they once shared with their child that they decide to do whatever it takes to keep the peace and coax him or her back into their lives. The distance feels too scary and they figure that they better fix things fast or things will never get better.

Then the bribes and the payoffs begin. Does any of this sound familiar?

“Honey, I think you need a car now that you have your license. You’ve got things to do and places to go. So…. we bought you one! Isn’t that great?” (And aren’t we soooo nice? How can you be mean to us when we give you so much?)

“You can decide when to come home, just try not to make it too late.” (See how understanding and laid back we are?)

“Sure, you can take your dinner up to your room if you want. But will you please bring your plate down when you’re finished?” (We get that you need space and privacy. We’re not pushing!)

“Look at this iphone I got for you! Now you can call me or text me all the time.”(Can’t you just think of me as your friend? And can you believe how generous I am?)

“Your grades were really bad but if you promise to try harder we won’t take away any of your privileges.”(We know you must be upset about this and we don’t want to stress you more. Plus, we remember how boring school was and know how smart you are.)

“Your friend’s mother just called and said that you were smoking pot in her basement. You shouldn’t do that.” (End of story. Kids will be kids, no big deal).

“Yes, you and your friends can have some beer upstairs but take it easy and don’t let anyone drive.” (Can you believe how cool we are? I’ll bet your friends’ parents aren’t this hip).

Other parents decide to meet fire with fire and begin to withdraw themselves. “Two can play at this game,” they might think. “If he isn’t going to talk to me, then I’m not going to talk to him, either.” Sometimes these parents end up regressing to adolescents themselves and spend a good part of the day fighting with their kid like he’s a sibling. Then things escalate and can get very ugly, very fast.

For some kids, things can get seriously off track during the adolescent years.** And when that happens, most parents will try hard to help their child sort things out. But if he remains stubbornly uncooperative, many parents will feel like throwing in the towel. “Fine!” they might say. “You’re so smart, you figure it out. I’m done!”

I totally understand how hard this stage can be. I’ve got three kids. I’ve been there. I know that those teenagers can drive you to the brink and leave you there at times. But before you decide to write him off, I want you to consider a couple of things that may help you hang on for a while longer:

1. Don’t take their attitude and unkind words personally. This is a big one. It’s very difficult to not be hurt at times by the things they say. But you have to remember that they know you incredibly well and they know every single one of your buttons. Often when they get all up in your grill, they are just trying to get a reaction and they are really, really good at it! Understand though, that their job is to individuate and separate from you and it’s hard on them, too. Bad behavior, unfortunately, is one of the ways they struggle to do this. So keep your cool and don’t take the bait.

Think of it this way — it’s an opportunity for you to grow into a new stage of maturity yourself, one that features patience, understanding and calm. And don’t forget, this stuff goes on in all families all over the world and has for generations on end. It’s really not about you. It is a developmental stage which means it’s normal, as normal as your two year old saying “No” to anything and everything.

2. Stay in the parental role. Sure they often seem to know what they are doing and they go to great lengths to convince you that they do. Don’t believe it for a moment. They have one foot in the adult world and one foot in the kid world. They may look like adults and sometimes sound like adults but between you and me, they are acting the part more than anything.

My son, for example, had almost convinced me that he had it all under control when it came time to fly home after his first semester at college. When I reminded him to make sure that his flight was still scheduled and on time the night before, he became downright incensed. “Mom! I’m not a baby! Geez, give me a break!” So I backed off. But the next day, on the way to the airport, he called his sister in a panic and asked her to check which airlines he was flying on. He had forgotten and was too embarrassed to call me. And this is a smart, capable 19 year-old. Later we all had a good laugh but it only proves my point.

Remember, they still need structure, rules, expectations, chores, and all that other good stuff. They are not fully cooked yet. So educate yourself on adolescence. Get a good book and find out what is normal and what to expect. And if you find that you are really struggling, get help. The adolescent stage of the family life cycle is the #1 time when people go into therapy. Parents as well as kids. So you see, it’s not just you. And please, resist the urge to hold on to them by becoming a Best Friend Parent or a whiny adolescent yourself. You’re the grown up here and you have to step up, hopefully without the help of illicit drugs or Dr. Phil moving in.

3. Don’t give up. This is the big one. The teenage hellion you see standing before you is not the finished product. He will change a LOT by the time he reaches the early twenties. His brain is going through all sorts of changes and he will get there. Once he does, you’ll get him back. In the meantime, your job is to get him safely through these tumultuous times in one piece. He so needs you to stand by him and be his rock, regardless of how awful he behaves.

And just think, one day he will probably have children of his own. Payback will come and you will be able to watch it in living color. Then when he asks, “Was I ever like this?” You can smile and say, “Gosh, honey, I can’t remember” and then get in your car and go home.

**Some teens may slide into clinical depression and that’s something that needs immediate professional attention. If you have any doubts about whether his behavior is over the line, check it out right away with your pediatrician.

Oh, I know, most folks are running around, crazy psycho-consumers on fast-forward, choosing a tree (doesn’t it seem like Christmas tree prices have risen as fast as health insurance premiums and college tuition?), chug-a-lugging eggnog, agonizing over a cashmere scarf for the mother-in-law (did we give her one last   year?), racing inexorably towards the crescendo of that one perfect, joyful day.

And some actually like it.  But not all.

Believe it or not, there are folks out there who just don’t play.  For some it’s religious, for some it’s lack of family.  Some abhor the commercialization and others can’t see spending all that $$ to stimulate the retail economy.

Whatever the reason, there are numbers of people left with noses pressed up against the glass on Christmas.  And to make matters worse, everything’s closed.  Locked up tight.  No room at the inn.  So here are some ideas to keep your family’s day merry and bright if Santa’s sleigh glided right on past your chimney …

Movies and Chinese food. Followed by another movie.  These are the mainstays of many a Jewish family on Christmas Day.  Theaters are waiting to entertain the masses after the presents have been opened, toys broken, and ribbons and bows forgotten, so just start early.

Show up for the first showing at the multiplex and hop from one flick to the next on a single admission.  Before you know it, you’re starving ( in spite of the popcorn and Raisinettes), so head to the nearest Chinese joint (they don’t observe the sanctity of the day either) and go wild.  For something different, try ordering only dishes you’ve never tried before.

Fill up your heart by volunteering to serve a meal to someone in need.  Could be at a shelter, or could be a gathering at your place for those with no place to go on the holiday.  Make it an annual tradition and you might end up changing your mind about the season.

Ski trip! Well-kept secret:  The slopes are empty on Christmas and the week before.  Apparently families stay home to open presents and then take off for ski vacations.  Crowds start to mushroom on the 26th and peak on New Year’s Day.  Truly.

Choose the 25th as your travel day.  If you’re visiting family or friends over the holidays, plan to spend THE day in the air, car or train.  Prices tend to be lower, crowds  are nonexistent, and there’s a spirit of comraderie that makes it feel like an adventure. By the time you reach your destination you’ll realize you never had that empty, lonely sensation at all.

Invite yourselves to join the celebration with friends who do it up big. Joy is infectious, and there’s nothing better than spending a holiday not your own with folks who really love it.  No pressure – just bask in the glow.

What NOT to do? Don’t even think about taking the family to Disneyland.  We did it once, thinking ‘who goes to Disneyland on Christmas?’  Answer: more people than any other day of the year.  They typically end up closing the gates for several hours mid-day when the park reaches capacity.  Lesson learned.

So whatever your tradition, toss the guilt, have some fun, and make it a great holiday for you and yours.

But my fun didn’t last long. Within minutes of arriving I found myself face-to-face with a young mom and her child who was about three. She was harried and hurried and trying hard to pick out some decorations. Her son, being a normal kid trapped in a store with a bunch of people and an endless supply of bright, beautiful Christmassy objects, was not going along with her attempts to make him stand still and just look.

The only words that spilled from her mouth were Dont. Touch. That. Over and over again. I mean, this was really all she was saying. Loudly. And of course, he was having none of it. Who could blame him? Given his age, the situation was nearly impossible for him to manage in the way he was being asked to.

And, unfortunately, the way she chose to deal with his inability to obey her made the whole thing much worse. Instead of cutting her losses and leaving or making an effort to distract or engage him (“Let’s pick out a really pretty one for Grandma. What colors do you think she would like?”) the ineffective Don’t. Touch That. mantra soon morphed into a much louder Stop-that-I-mean-it-I-am-going-to-take-you-out-of-here-in-one-minute-if-you-dont-behave-did-you-hear-what-I just-said chorus accompanied by a lot of pulling, grabbing and scowling. Hysterical crying followed and a full-fledged meltdown (for both) ensued.

I had to walk away, it was that painful. And sad, because I know she didn’t realize how unfair the whole thing was or how she had set them both up to fail. Or how these early Christmas memories can contribute to a general sense of unease about the season when that child grows up. The specific memory may be forgotten but the general bad feeling may remain. So much stress! No wonder so many people hate the holidays.

It was a disaster and my heart went out to both of them. Such an unnecessary mess that could have (should have) been avoided or, at the very least, minimized had this mom understood a little more about what she could reasonably expect from a three-year-old and worked from there. Yes, of course she should be able to go out and shop and dawdle a bit over the ornaments if she wants to.  But she cannot expect a young child to have the patience or impulse control to stand-still-and-not-touch for more than a couple of minutes when he’s surrounded by row after row of glittery Christmas decorations that beg to be picked up. Maybe when he’s 7, but certainly not now.

So what should she have done? What could she have done? Simple: Plan better. One of the hallmarks of good parenting is to develop the ability to be one step ahead of the game. Since things are constantly changing in the life of a mother with kids, you have to really work at being both flexible and prepared. And you have to understand the constraints of any given age. So if, for example, you want to spend 30 minutes shopping with a pre-schooler in a store where everything in sight (and reach) is both breakable and irresistible, you have to approach said outing with the planning and precision of a Navy Seal Operation. It’s got to be down-to-the-minute and include a highly choreographed back-up plan if unexpected circumstances arise.

Yeah, yeah I realize that you like to be spontaneous every now and then. Just understand that you may pay a heavy price for the privilege. So what are some of the specific tactics that she could have employed? Here are a few:

1. SIDESTEP THE WHOLE THING

She could have planned a babysitting trade in advance with a friend who also has kids. They could have exchanged three hours of child care so each could do some holiday prep alone, untethered to strollers, car seats, and little hands that must be held. Then they would be able to shop in peace (well, relative peace anyway) maybe grab a coffee, and not risk creating the giant melt-downs, hurt feelings and bad moods that might otherwise pop up.

2. BE PREPARED

First of all, know what you are dealing with. Get a good book on child development but read only about your child’s current age with a buffer of 4-6 months on either side. Knowing the basics of what he can and cannot be expected to do will save you (and him) hours of unpleasantness and countless headaches. And always keep these outings as short and sweet as possible.

If you MUST bring your little guy into that store you could put him in a stroller and have a bunch of things ready to dole out as needed to keep him entertained and occupied. It’s a good idea to keep some favorite toys that are small enough to easily transport unavailable except when you know you are going to need a fool-proof distraction. We had a GameBoy for this purpose. It only came out during times when one had to be still and quiet for a longish period of time like taking a flight or sitting backstage during an older sibling’s play practice while I was helping with make-up or costumes. Obviously, the toy must be age-specific but you get the picture.

Snacks help too, as does a favorite blanket and pacifier. You can also choose one non-breakable, soft decoration (stuffed santa, for example) early on and let him play with that while you explore the breakable stuff. Make sure it’s a cheapie and be prepared to buy it if it gets drooled on or damaged in any way.

3. WORK WITH HIS SCHEDULE

Again, it’s all about setting realistic expectations. If the stores will be most empty the moment they open and that’s also the time of day when little dude is least likely to get crabby, plan to zip in and out then. But if that’s just about the time he normally takes a nap, don’t expect him to be able to go above-and-beyond when he is tired and out of sorts.

In essence, the real key here is to plan and prepare and be willing to cut your losses and leave if things get ugly. It’s the best and easiest way to create a successful outcome for you both. And just remember that these early years with your little one will fly by and before you know it, he will be in school, and you will have much more flexibility with your schedule. But until then, choose to be the smart, happy mom instead of the crazed, out-of-control one. Please?

When I say family, I mean all of us. Older Son with live-in girlfriend, Younger Son, Daughter, both sisters-in-law, niece and nephew, Husband and me. Plus various cousins and aunts and uncles who will join us for the milestone event of Aunt Ruth’s 90th birthday party. Planning for this has been epic, filled with the usual family drama over a year’s time.

I will admit to suffering from a touch of bad attitude-itis about this trip. Peak airfares, non-existent rental cars, complicated travel arrangements, juggled academic schedules, not to mention our recent home move (recent like last week), a sea of yet-to-be-unpacked boxes, and  difficulty finding available doggie care during Christmas week have made me cranky. It’s hard to look forward to the hard-of-hearing, TV cranked up to impossible volumes, bickering over bathroom privileges and what to eat for dinner, inevitable criticism of hairstyles and clothing choices, and intrusive questions about anything and everything.

What is it about older people asking rude questions, anyway? Is there a virus that attacks at a certain age, after which you can say anything you want, good manners be damned? I don’t get it.

So here I am, feeling burdened and just a wee bit resentful, until I overhear Older Son and Daughter discussing the trip –

Daughter: I’m excited for Florida … it’s going to be amazing.

Older: Yeah, Pop-pop’s really great. It’ll be chill to hang out with him there. Even Grammy’s so much more fun on her home turf.

Daughter: We’ll all be together and we’ll get to see Rachel and the baby [cousin Rachel, who had the first baby of the next generation via artificial insemination with her wife] … I can’t wait to watch the relatives’ reaction.

Older: Picture the play-by-play. Who’s going to write that short story? Where’s Woody Allen when we need him [ain't it the truth!!]?

Daughter: It’ll be so nice to be with everyone. That’s tradition, ya know?

Older: Can’t believe Ruthie’s 90 years old. How amazing is THAT?

Daughter: I just LOVE Ruthie.

WHAT?! Who’s kids are these? Not mine, certainly. They’re undoubtedly aliens who have landed in my home.

My kids complain loudly whenever they’re taken out of their immediate environment and away from their friends (unless it’s for a mega-high priced international adventure). My kids whine when asked to attend family occasions that don’t fit into their plans. My kids run the other way as fast as they can when the phone rings and they see the grandparents’ number on the caller ID.

I don’t know how to explain this transformation. Perhaps all these years spent shuttling from coast to coast to be with family have finally taken root? Maybe scores of school vacations consumed by reunions full of uncomfortable meals and conversations have had delayed impact? Could it be they’ve reached an age where blood really is thicker than water?

I look away, embarrassed by my selfish whining (even if it was largely silent). This is exactly what we’d always hoped for. A deep sense of family connection that’s bigger than individual personalities or dramas or trivial likes and dislikes. It’s about building the foundation of where we come from and that of the future generations yet to be born. It’s about creating meaning and the kind of unconditional love you only get with those who share a shred of your DNA.

Somehow that has managed to happen in spite of the complaints. It has passed from our grandparents to our parents, and through us to our children. The way that makes me feel makes all the petty inconvenience and stress of  the journey worth it.

Who cares if we have to scream to be heard? Who cares if the older folk don’t really get it all the time?  Who cares if they occasionally criticize hairstyles and  clothes? They are the ones who understand our shared history.

The crankiness fades away. Totally.

I won’t even complain about packing up all the holiday gifts and trimmings to be shipped ahead. Sigh. I will revel in the generations of love and connection and gentle arguments that we can’t get anywhere else.

Unless you’re careful, you can easily get caught up in the hurricane of shopping, decorating, cooking, baking, and entertaining that passes for observing the holidays these days. And at the end of it all, you may find yourself broke, exhausted and wondering what just happened. Don’t do it!

Rebel against the energy that recently pitted one crazed shopper against another just hours after they nodded their heads in gratitude at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Put away the pepper spray and set a tone of love, kindness and sharing instead. And don’t forget to get your kids involved. This can be a true teaching moment.

Children are, after all, naturally generous, sympathetic creatures but they need us to show them how they can help others. The holidays present a golden opportunity to do so. Whether they are three or 13 there is a multitude of ways to express their love and concern for those less fortunate. Isn’t that really what the Season of Sharing is supposed to be about?

Start a new holiday tradition today: take a look at this list (emailed to me from a friend) and then talk to your child about how you, as a family, might like to spread some peace and joy of your own. Nothing lifts your spirits faster than helping someone out and there is no better or more valuable gift to give to your child than sharing this experience with them.

1. Just ONE DOLLAR can buy and ship two books to a child in Africa. In many classrooms there, up to 20 children must share just one copy. Go to booksforafrica.org to donate.

2. Just TWO DOLLARS can buy a set of drumsticks for a low income public school child learning to play the drums. Go to littlekidsrock.org to donate.

3. Just THREE DOLLARS can provide the means for a high-risk youth to go on a field trip to a museum, concert or theatrical production. Go to createnow.org to donate.

4. Just FOUR DOLLARS can give an overseas soldier two hours of pre-paid phone time. Imagine what that could mean to a far away mom or dad, son or daughter, during the holidays. This website was started by two teenage siblings in 2004 and has mailed out over 1.5 million cards to our troops since then! Go to cellphonesforsoldiers.com to donate.

5. Just FIVE DOLLARS can give a one-burner stove to a Haitian family who must cook their meals on an open fire. Not only does this stove provide a clean, re-useable and smoke-free method for preparing their food, it also helps to prevent deforestation of this country. Go to foodforthepoor.org to contribute.

6. Just SIX DOLLARS can provide measles vaccinations for 15 children in a developing country. Go to doctorswithoutborders.org to make a donation.

7. Just SEVEN DOLLARS can provide a full week’s worth of food for an abandoned dog or cat. Go to aspca.org to help.

8. Just EIGHT DOLLARS can provide a medical teaching doll to a sick child to help him learn how his cancer treatment works. Go to stjude.org  to help.

9. Just NINE DOLLARS can provide one box of nails to help make a disabled veteran’s house handicap accessible. This organization provides all the materials and does all the work for severely injured veterans for free. Go to homesforourtroops.org to donate.

10. Just TEN DOLLARS can provide a days worth of fresh food and vegetables to feed two orphaned chimpanzees at the Jane Goodall Chimpanzee Rehabilitation Center in the Republic of the Congo. Go to janegoodall.org to donate and learn more.

11. Just ELEVEN DOLLARS will provide the funds to plant 11 trees in  parts of Alabama that were devastated by the April, 2011 tornadoes. Go to arborday.org to lend a hand.

12. Just TWELVE DOLLARS will provide 20 pounds of soap to a poor family somewhere in the world. The ability to keep clean (and help prevent disease) should be a basic right for all but unfortunately it is not. Go to oxfamamericaunwrapped.org to donate.

So there you have it mamas — your own 12 Days of Christmas list. I hope you have been inspired!

For even more ideas on excellent programs that could use your help, check out heifer.org, operationsmile.org,  globalgiving.org, mowaa.org and cradlestocrayons.org. At least one of these awesome organizations is sure to get your (and your children’s) juices flowing.

Of course nothing beats shopping together for a few well-selected toys to bring to Toys for Tots or buying a grocery bag full of food to drop off at the local community center or food pantry. Kids love to do these things with you and most likely will be happy to contribute a few pennies or dollars of their own. So get out there and make it happen!

And may your days be merry and bright!