Dear Mamas,

I have been invited to a baby shower (another one!) and I need help in knowing what to do. The hostess wants us all to chip in to buy a $900.00 stroller for our friend who is having twins. This is so embarrassing because I really cannot afford to contribute as much as everyone else. My husband was laid off his job 4 months ago and I am only working part time. Anyway, we have worked hard to keep things as normal as possible but the financial pressure has been hard on our family.

But what can I say? I don’t want to be the only one not in on the gift but I really don’t have that kind of money right now. Any suggestions?

Beth

Dear Beth,
I totally get how contributing to all those baby showers/wedding showers/school fundraisers/neighbor’s-kids-girl-scout-cookie-sales etc. can break the bank, especially if funds are tight. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve all been in that boat. The thing is, when people ask for a donation they often forget that their request is but one of many and that we can’t contribute what we would like to all the time.

In this case, I think the best strategy is to contact the person throwing the shower directly and be candid with her. Tell her that although you would love to be a part of the gift, you can’t afford the amount that is being asked for right now. Let her know what amount would be comfortable for you and find out if there are other ways you could contribute in lieu of giving the full amount. Maybe she needs help with some of the hosting responsibilities like shopping, setting up, preparing food, cleanup or even picking up and wrapping the gift.

Or, you could offer to buy something within your budget that could go with the stroller, like a nice diaper bag or some cute sun hats and sun glasses. If that doesn’t fly, then just bring the gift you want to give and a lovely note to go along with it and leave it at that. I’m sure your friend will appreciate whatever you give her as long as it’s given with love.

Thanks for this question, Beth. It’s a good reminder to us all to be sensitive to the fact that people’s budgets are not all the same. And whenever we are doing the organizing we need to remember to qualify our financial requests with a statement indicating that although such-and-such an amount is being asked for, people should please give what they can by the date needed.

Dear Mamas,

Our 4-year-old son was born with an extra kidney, which we found out after he had a couple of unexplained urinary tract infections leading to a series of tests. The pediatrician sent us to a urologist, who recommended we have the kidney removed since it’s assumed to be the cause of the infections.

Our baby is scheduled for the surgery in about 10 days and yesterday we went for a hospital tour. It was very helpful to see the surgical suite, recovery and regular rooms, but we were confused by all the different healthcare workers and their various jobs. I’ve never been in the hospital myself, except to deliver our son, and it all seems a bit overwhelming. Can you help me figure out who’s who?

Many thanks,

Alison

Hi Alison,

I’m sure it was scary for you to discover that your little guy was born with a third kidney, but you’d be surprised how common this kind of variation can be. In about one of 500 births, some abnormality occurs in the development of the kidneys or urinary system. It ‘s not really known why; the development of the urinary tract is a complex process that is not fully understood. In most cases these little extras will have no effect on long-term health.

Taking care of the problem now should prevent future infections and the whole episode will fade into the background and make a great family story. Just think of the girls who will be impressed by that scar someday.

You’re right, it does seem like the variety of personnel working in hospitals has mushroomed in recent years. It’s almost impossible to keep track of the players, and we can’t blame you for being confused.

Here’s a breakdown, starting with the physician staff: 

Medical student: Medical students usually spend the first 2 years of medical school in the classroom and the last 2 years seeing patients in the hospital. Chances are if your guy is having surgery at a teaching hospital, there will be a med student asking lots of questions.

Dear Mamas,

My friends and I have been arguing like crazy over the idea of pre-chewing your baby’s food. We all saw that Alicia Silverstone video where she demonstrates it and I think it’s disgusting! But my friends (one in particular) say that it has some good benefits. What are they? And do you agree that it’s good or bad?

NOT Alicia

Dear Reader,
Wow. After being involved in the world of parenting for 30 years, I thought I had heard it all. Apparently not. With all due respect to Ms. Silverstone, I cannot imagine who, in their right mind, would feel compelled to pre-chew food and then spit it in their baby’s mouth. Yes, birds do that.

But, hello …. we are not birds. We are mammals, primates to be exact, and our babies drink milk until they are able to digest soft foods ON THEIR OWN at about 6 months of age. Baby birds, of course, do not suckle at the breast and so are dependent on foods that have been pulverized and made ready for them by their bird mommies.

Back in the day when we were hunter/gatherers, it was most likely a handy thing to do. There was no such thing as iron-fortified cereal, grocery stores, cuisinarts or prepackaged baby food to supplement the breast milk once baby was ready for more but didn’t yet have a good set of choppers. Those days are over now and unless you live in a country where baby food is not a possibility, I just don’t get it.

It’s true that there are many ways to parent a child. But birding is just weird to me. Sorry to all those who might disagree. All sorts of stuff (viruses, bacteria) can be transmitted to baby from Mommy’s saliva. And why would you want to set that experience up as an expectation? At what age does Mommy suddenly say, “Dude, chew it yourself!” Is the little guy going to be salivating, staring and waiting for a treat every time Mommy pops something in her mouth? This idea smacks of unhealthy issues with boundaries, independence and general grossness to me.

Sorry to your friends but I’m with you on this one.

Dear Mamas,

I’m the single mom of a recently adopted, beautiful 4 month-old baby girl. I’m slightly older (42) and never had children before, so sometimes I feel like a total idiot about the whole parenting thing.

My specific dilemma is this: how do I know when it’s appropriate to put in a call to her pediatrician when I have a question?

Marina recently had her 4 month check which, as you know, comes with a bunch of different vaccinations. Afterwards, she seemed feverish and fussy for a few days and I called a couple times to ask for suggestions. By the 2nd call the office staff seemed annoyed and reluctant to pass on my concerns to the doctor. I ended up figuring it out on my own, but felt like I was left hanging without the support I would have liked.

Is this normal and to be expected? How do I know when it’s okay to call or not to call? I don’t want to be THAT mom, but how am I supposed to know what’s serious and what’s not? It feels weird to rely on the internet. Isn’t the doctor supposed to know about my baby?

Your advice is greatly appreciated. I just need some guidelines.

Thank you –

Janelle

Dear Janelle,

Congratulations on your new bundle! You’re heading out on a terrific adventure, and little Marina is more than lucky to have you as her mom.

You say you’re unsure about your skills in the parenting department, but it sounds like your instincts are right on target. Every new mom learns as she goes, and that includes info about baby’s wellness and what to expect after routine immunizations. There are no silly questions. You must be able to count on the staff and doc to offer support and information when you need it — that’s a critical part of their job.

It’s impossible to overstate the importance of having a good working relationship with the health team taking care of your child, including feeling free to call on them when needed. Small problems that may seem trivial can become big problems that are serious, and we depend on experts to know the difference.

If you need information about how your car is running, call your mechanic. Questions about taxes are directed to your accountant. The last thing you need is to deal with attitude on the other end. Ditto for your child’s doctor and office staff.

That said, there are some guidelines to help you decide how urgently you need to make contact. Most minor problems can be handled during office hours, and you should never hesitate to call between 8 and 5. If you don’t get an immediate response, expect a call back by the end of the day. A good rule of thumb: If baby is acting, eating, and drinking normally (and by that I mean normal for her), it can wait a bit.

Some problems can’t wait. Small children can go from sick to very sick quickly, and it’s important to recognize the warning signs.

Contact the doc immediately, day or night, if:

• Baby is less than 8 weeks old and has a rectal temp over 100.4 F.
• Baby is listless, lethargic, or sleepy at a normally wakeful time, with or without fever.
• Baby is wheezing or breathing faster or harder than usual.
• Baby falls from bed or table height and appears hurt.
• Baby has a dark rash over trunk that doesn’t pale when pressed.
• Baby is vomiting repeatedly and can’t keep down any fluids.
• You see blood in the diaper.
• Anytime you are alarmed. Trust your gut.

Call 911 day or night if: 

• There is loss of consciousness for any reason.
• Baby has a seizure, with or without fever.
• Baby develops hives over body with swelling around the mouth or noisy breathing (allergic reaction).
• Baby is breathing irregularly.
• Baby is unresponsive.
• You suspect baby has ingested poison or medication.                                          First call POISON CONTROL: 800 222 1222 

Your primary job is to keep your daughter safe, healthy and happy. If you occasionally have to ruffle a few feathers to do that, so be it. One of the great things about being a mom is the new ways you’ll get in touch with your inner Mama Bear.

If your current pediatrician isn’t a comfortable fit ask your friends, other moms, women you know for recommendations. Interview them first and look for someone who shares your parenting views and feels right. An educated consumer is our best customer.

Good luck!

~the Mamas

Dear Mamas,

My two year old daughter has recently begun to bite … me! I was so shocked the first time she did it that I just jumped up and started to laugh. I was pretty floored. I know I shouldn’t have laughed but what is the right approach to turn it around? I don’t want her to make this a habit!

Thanks,

Marcia

Hey Marcia,
I can understand your concern! Luckily, it sounds like this is a new behavior that hasn’t spread outside the household so it should be pretty easy to turn around if you get right on it. Here’s what you do: next time she attempts to take a bite out of you, IMMEDIATELY get in her face and give her a very stern look. Lock eyes with her and in a very serious, angry tone of voice say, “NO! We do not bite. That hurts Mommy!” Do not yell, or spank, or do anything that could be construed as physically threatening but get your point across.

If she actually bites you before you can stop it, follow the same routine but add, “That really hurt Mommy. I don’t like that!” and put ice on it while muttering “ouuwwwww”. If she wants to give the bite a kiss, by all means let her and definitely accept a sincere apology. But do not give her a lot of attention in the minutes following “the attack.” You don’t want to reward the behavior with attention – good or bad — but don’t drag it out either. A 5 minute freeze-out is plenty long for a two-year-old.

After things calm down, explain that when she is mad or upset she has to use her words to talk about it. Help her understand that you are not upset with her because she was angry but because she bit you. Let her know loud and clear that she may not use her body to hurt people and next time, she will get a time out.

Then make sure you stick to the plan and don’t waffle or change the way you react from one time to the next. If you are consistent, she will get the message. And the first time she says she’s mad (versus lets you know with a bite), tell her how proud you are that she was able to use her words and not her body to express her feelings.

Good luck!!

Hello. I have a seventeen month old baby girl. She is still napping twice a day for 1 1/2-2 hours per nap. I try to keep a consistent night time schedule by giving her a bath before bedtime. Alyssa will get sleepy after a bath by 7:30/8:00. A few times she seemed to have a “second wind” I guess because she is finally learning how to walk more.

Alyssa usually goes to bed between 7:45-8:30. I never know if she will sleep through the night though. One night she slept until 6:15 am. The next night she woke up around 2:30 am only to get up around 5:20 am. With most mornings getting up between 5:00 and 5:20. This inconsistency is driving me crazy at times. Luckily I don’t have to get up for a job!

What can I do to get her to sleep more consistently? When she wakes up in the middle of the night I do go to her. Sometimes it is for her binky but other times I try to rock her to sleep. Her room is next door to my room. My husband has to go to work in the middle of the night so that is partly why I still get up to comfort Alyssa (so my husband can sleep). I know bringing her in our bed is wrong. I do that mainly when I know she is getting up for the morning. But one night recently she was hysterical crying and I was afraid to put her back in her crib. I can’t rock a baby so long when I am tired! Any advice is appreciated.

P.S. I usually put her in for her first nap between 8:00/8:30 am and her second nap between 1:00 and 2:00 pm. But these are the times she rubs her eyes usually.

Amy

Hi Amy,

This is probably THE #1 question we get. So rest assured, you’re not alone.

It sounds like you’re aware that business-as-usual isn’t working well for your family. No one’s getting good rest, but you don’t know how to go about changing the sleep pattern, and we can help with that. Your little cutie-pie is definitely working you. She’s been trained to do that by the habits you’ve all gotten into, but have no fear — you can RE-train her in, at most, 5 days.

First, choose a 5 day stretch when your schedule is as typical as possible. The technique doesn’t work well when you’re away from home or your routine is disrupted. Consistency is the key.

It sounds like you already have a bedtime ritual (the bath) and that’s great. Water time is relaxing for toddlers and helps them release the energy of the day. You may want to follow the bath with a quiet cuddle activity, like reading a story or singing lullabies — anything that makes her feel close and loved, but doesn’t encourage a second wind.

Then it’s time to lay her in the crib, say your goodnights, and quietly leave her room and close the door. Don’t try to get her to fall asleep in your arms. The goal is to teach her to fall asleep on her own so that IF she wakes up later during the night, she can put herself back to sleep again. This is an important and empowering skill for her.

If she cries when you leave the room wait 5 minutes (you’ll need a clock for this, ’cause every minute will seem much longer) before going to the closed door and reassuring her with your calm voice. Something like … “You’re OK, Alyssa. Mommy’s here and I love you” works well. If she continues to cry (and she likely will) wait another 5 minutes and repeat the same mantra at the door. Continue this every 5 minutes until she falls asleep.

On night #1 this may take awhile. Hang tough! Remember, this is a training program. She’s learning a new skill that takes practice. If she wakes during the night repeat the same process. Go to the door every 5 minutes and let her hear your soothing voice. Do not go into the room. No matter what. Chances are, this won’t be easy for you. You’ll be tired and frazzled. You’ll feel guilty. Remind yourself that you’re teaching something really important. And that it will take 5 days or less.

Repeat this every night, no exceptions. Each night you’ll find that the crying periods get shorter as she learns the skill. Trust the process, stick with it, and don’t enter the room.

A few caveats about the technique:

Before you start, make sure that her crib is a safe place and there’s nothing in it that will cause you worry later. Dress her comfortably so you’re not concerned about the temperature or binding clothing. If she uses a binky, make sure she’s got more than one within reach.

You may need to shorten her nap time to encourage a longer sleep stretch at night. Try abbreviating that second nap a bit. Wake her 5 minutes earlier each day, wash her face (or whatever helps her wake up), and energize her with an active game. Shoot for shortening the nap time by at least 1/2 hour to an hour.

Once you start the training, be committed to sticking with it for 5 days no matter what. If you do, it will work. But if you backslide by going into the room to comfort or hold her, you’ll have to begin all over again and it will probably be tougher.

Remember, you’re teaching a skill. If she learns mid-way through that she just needs to scream louder and longer to get you to fold, she’ll understand that she can outlast you. Not good.

Very often, this method works in less than 5 days. Sometimes in as little as 3. But be prepared for 5 and you won’t be disappointed. You’ll all be sleeping better and longer.

To take a look at our answer for the mom of another rockin’ toddler, click here.

Good Luck!

~ The Mamas

Hey there mamas,

I’ve got a son who’s almost eighteen months and I want to know when I should take him to the dentist. Also, what will the dentist do? I don’t want the experience to be traumatic. I’m scared of the dentist myself and don’t want him to be.

Thank you, Olivia

Great question, Olivia. And, by the way, I share your fear of dentists. When I was a child, mine didn’t believe in anesthesia (God knows why). The water in those days wasn’t flouridated; they didn’t have sealants; and I was a kid prone to cavities. As a result, I ended up with lots of fillings and lots of anxiety about the whole thing.

But enough about me! The point is, some dentists treat kids no differently than adults, but they ARE different. That’s why I would suggest you search out a pediatric dentist in your neighborhood before you make that first appointment.

They are the pediatricians of dentistry and complete two to three years of specialty training in children’s dentistry beyond the regular four years of dental school. Typically, they limit their practice to infants, children, and adolescents (including young people with special needs) but some rare and wonderful ones will see the whole family.

Dr. Barbara Lynch, D.D.S., recommends that parents bring their child in for his or her first visit no later than age three, although some dentists recommend it by the first birthday. The purpose of the first visit is really to give the child an introduction to the office and equipment and, of course, to meet the dentist and begin to establish a relationship.

The dentist may also use this time to talk about how to prevent cavities and go over teeth-cleaning methods with you.

Typically Dr. Lynch will talk to the child about what she does, let him take a ride in the chair, examine himself in the mirror, sip some water and spit it out into the swirling bowl, and look at and hold some of her tools.

If the child is relaxed and up for it, the dentist might count his teeth or do a very short, cursory exam. But mostly, the first visit with a pediatric dentist is intended to introduce him to the office and the dentist in a friendly, non-threatening way. Stickers or a toothbrush are often offered as a reward for coming.

So I would recommend that you get on the ball now and start looking for a good pediatric dentist in your area. Then go ahead and schedule the visit anytime before he hits three.

In the meantime, keep up a good dental routine with your son. Use a soft, infant toothbrush with a tiny bit of flouridated toothpaste and gently brush his teeth each morning and night.

In general, the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry suggests that parents should start gently cleaning their child’s gums from birth on by wiping them with a wet washcloth after each feeding.

And remember, no putting Junior to bed with a bottle! It may make things easier short-term but it can create cavities even in teeth that haven’t erupted yet.

Dear Mamas,

I recently got a call from my 4-year-old son’s preschool teacher that left me with mouth wide open.

She began by explaining that while Keegan is a charming and “spirited” little boy, she anticipates some problems when he gets to kindergarten next year and wanted to discuss it. It seems my guy is more energetic than the average child and is very “squirmy” (that’s the word she used – squirmy) when asked to sit at his desk to practice writing his letters and numbers. She’s concerned that he may be showing early signs of an attention disorder, and recommended that I have him evaluated for possible medication.

My neighbor’s 8-year-old has been diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve heard her talk about some of the symptoms, so I asked if Keegan disturbs other children, or if he has difficulty interacting with others in the class. She said, no, not at all. He’s well-liked and is always in a happy group when they play outside, but  only has difficulty sitting still when it’s lesson time.

Is it just me, or is 4 too young to be labeling him with ADHD? I’m still in shock.

Callie

Dear Callie,

My mouth would be hanging open right next to yours, but this has become so commonplace that I can no longer be shocked. Instead I have steam coming out of my ears. My bias (and it is a bias) is that children, particularly boys, in preschool are not developmentally equipped to sit still at a desk and perform repetitive tasks. That readiness comes later — often not until well into first grade.

In my opinion, preschool kiddos should be running around getting their ya-yas out, playing make believe, and using their vivid imaginations, not sitting at a desk practicing letters and numbers. It is a disservice to our children to expect otherwise. But this is a controversial topic, and if you ask five developmental pediatricians you’re likely to get five different answers. While there isn’t a whole lot of reliable information on ADHD in very young children, there are some areas of agreement.

Experts describe two behavioral patterns that may predict ADHD diagnosis later in childhood. The first is preschool expulsion, which is usually caused by aggressive behavior, refusal to participate in group activities, and failure to respect other children’s boundaries. The second is peer rejection, easily recognized by parents. Children with behaviors outside the norm are avoided by their classmates and shunned on the playground. Other kids tend to be “busy” whenever parents try to arrange playdates.

Red flags for these little ones aren’t limited to fidgeting or extra energy when asked to sit quietly, they include aggression, isolation and avoidance by the group. This doesn’t sound like the behaviors Keegan is demonstrating.

Diagnosis of ADHD in any child should involve a thorough developmental history, observation of the social and emotional environment, and feedback from health professionals who know the child well. In most cases, neuropsychological testing is needed to rule out other conditions with similar symptoms.

Treatment must include counseling and behavior therapy.  ADHD medication can have severe side effects in the very young, including poor appetite, insomnia, and anxiety. Preschoolers appear to be more prone to side effects than school-age children.

For more information, take a look at what KidsHealth.org and the American Academy of Pediatrics have to say on the topic.

If I had to guess, I’d say that Keegan is a typical 4-year-old boy. Less focused than the girls (as little guys are), soaked in a brine of kiddo testosterone, and feeling the energy of his wild, age-appropriate oats. But don’t take it from me, talk to his pediatrician and other professionals you trust. And you may want to reconsider your choice of preschool.

Good luck!

~ The Mamas

Dear Mamas,

I have been dating Steve for almost six months now. My kids (9 year old daughter and 11 year old son) can’t stand him. They tolerate his being here but don’t want to go anywhere with him and steer clear of him when he’s around. To me, Steve is fun and nice. We get along great although I do worry a little about the fact that he doesn’t really have any interests or do anything except his job ( he’s an electrician).

I’ve been divorced for three years and I have dated a lot but this relationship has lasted the longest. I just don’t want my kids to screw it up for me! But also, I just don’t get it! What should I do?

Jenny

Hi Jenny,

Dating and relationships can be really tricky when you have children. Just talk to anyone you know who’s in the same boat and you’ll get an earful — guaranteed. And it’s not uncommon for children to feel lukewarm or even hostile towards the new man in your life until they feel that he is trustworthy and won’t steal you away from them.

It’s possible that Steve hasn’t gotten there with them yet. You mentioned that you had dated “a lot.” They may see him as just one more guy in a parade of many and may not want to try too hard to form a relationship with him if he’s just going to walk out at some point. It’s too painful for kids to go through that over and over again. They experience the breakup as a loss, too, and any plans or dreams they may have had about a future that involved the boyfriend will have to be given up. That’s hard, especially since they didn’t have any control in the relationship developing or the decision to end it.

On the other hand, they may be seeing things about Steve that you are missing all together. Kids have amazing radar when it comes to picking up on subtle aspects of a person that adults miss. And often they are right on. Maybe there is something “off” about this guy that you don’t see because you are blinded by the romance. It happens, and more often than people realize.

Then again, it’s possible that they just don’t like him. It could be as simple as that. None of us gets along with everyone. Think about how many people you don’t like and then try to imagine how it would be if one of them started hanging out at your house all the time to be with the one person in the world you loved most? AND you were expected to be nice and hang out with him, too? Add to that the part about that person possibly being in a position of power or authority over you? It starts to make sense that your new boyfriend’s presence in your child’s life can be a very big deal!

Have you ever asked them about their reasons for not liking him with a real desire to find out? They may be hesitant about telling you their concerns if they think you will just get mad or not listen. So make it clear that you will listen and then sit them down and have that talk. Make sure that Steve is not there and won’t be showing up anannounced in the middle of what may be a very uncomfortable discussion. Whatever you do, don’t make them sorry that they told you the truth, whatever it is. They need to know that they come first and that their feelings will be respected and kept private.

The most important thing to remember is that your kids and their happiness need to be your priority. Their home should always be a safe place where they can be themselves and feel comfortable and free. If Steve is interfering with that, then it’s important to find out why and make whatever changes are necessary.

You didn’t mention whether Steve is living with you or not. If he is, this may all be even trickier. You may need some counseling to sort it all out. Take a look at a post I wrote about the difficulties that can surround single-parent dating to get a better handle on some of the issues that come up and how you can deal with them.

Best of luck to you all!

We love getting all of your questions and want to give you everything that our combined brains have to offer. So keep sending them in! But if you are looking for a more personal touch with lots more detail and follow up, please visit us at Ask MamaEllen.com and AskDrMama.com and find out how to get the royal treatment. You deserve it, Mamas!

Dear Mamas,

My partner and I have been together for 5 years and our daughter is 16 months old. Jeff grew up in the Midwest and his family always owned guns. When we moved in together his gun came, too. It made me pretty uncomfortable, since I was raised in a very anti-gun home in the Northeast, but he’s a nut about gun safety, and keeps them locked  and out of sight, so I’ve pretty much been able to forget about it (or at least pretend it’s not there).

Now that our daughter is a toddler, and can get into places I never even knew existed, I’m starting to worry constantly about having a gun in the house. It’s really gnawing at me, and last night I had a nightmare and woke up terrified that the closet had accidentally been left unlocked and she had climbed inside while we slept.

PLEASE talk me off this cliff. I’m afraid if I tell Jeff to get rid of the gun he’ll laugh at me and refuse, and then what? Do you have any information from “the experts” that might either help him see it my way, or ease my mind so I can learn to live with it?

I can’t stand feeling this way,

Laura

Dear Laura,

If only we could tell you to go ahead and relax — your fears are unfounded. But unfortunately, we can’t. Gun violence has become a public health crisis in the United States, and children are often the victims.

Every two hours someone’s child is killed with a gun, ei­ther in a homicide, a suicide, or as a result of an unintentional injury. And that doesn’t include the children who are seriously wounded—of­ten irreversibly disabled—by guns, but survive. One in every twenty-five admissions to pediatric trauma centers in the US is due to gunshot wounds.

Here’s a statistic that may surprise you: a gun in the home is forty-three times more likely to be used to kill a friend or family member than a burglar or other criminal. The best way to prevent firearm injuries and deaths is to NOT own a gun. However, if you choose to have them in your home, the rules you should enforce are:

• Never allow your child access to guns or the place where they’re kept.
• Never keep a loaded gun in the house or the car.
• Guns and ammunition should be locked away safely in separate locations in the house; make sure children don’t have access to the keys, even if you think they’re too young to use them.
• Guns should be equipped with trigger locks.
• Do not use alcohol or drugs with guns nearby.

While convincing Jeff to get the gun out of your home would undoubtedly make you feel better, it’s not the total cure you’re hoping for. Half the homes in the United States contain firearms, and more than a third of all accidental shootings of children happen in the homes of their friends, neighbors, or relatives.