Dear Mamas — I’m pulling my hair out trying to come up with healthy snacks for my 4 year old twins. Whatever I give them is of questionable nutritional value and just ruins their appetites for meals. But it seems like they are hungry all the time! How can I turn this around?

Thanks, Lisa

Hi Lisa,
If they’re hungry all the time but not so much at mealtime, you’re right — snacking may indeed be the culprit. But that doesn’t mean that snacks can’t be a good and healthy part of their daily diet. Many kids prefer smaller meals and they do get hungry more frequently than adults. But parents often miss the point that their snacks should really be thought of as part of their daily diet.

So it’s pretty simple to turn your problem around. Just start shooting for snacks that are both tasty and nutritious and reduce the amount of food you serve to them at mealtimes. Make sure those snacks include carbohydrates, protein, fiber and a little bit of healthy fat. Save the cake, cookies, chips and soda for special occasions like birthday parties and family celebrations.

A snack between breakfast and lunch and then another one between lunch and dinner is not at all unreasonable depending of course on what and how much you’re serving. As far as portion size goes, start small. You can always give them a little more if they’re still hungry. The possibilities are endless, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• raw veggies like carrot sticks, peeled celery sticks, red or green bell peppers with a healthy dip like hummus or peanut butter
• hummus or babaganoush and whole wheat pita bread
• a bowl of whole grain cereal (with at least 3 grams of fiber) and non-fat or 1% milk with a few walnuts and dried cranberries thrown in
• instant oatmeal made with milk and topped with sliced bananas or strawberries
• low-sodium deli turkey slices topped with a little mustard or mango chutney and wrapped around sesame seeded breadstick
• mini apple cinnamon rice cakes topped with peanut butter and banana slices
• half an egg salad sandwich cut in half again
• frozen banana (cut a peeled, over ripe banana in half, place each half in a zip lock bag and freeze)
• sliced apple and a few cubes of low-fat cheese or a low-fat cheese stick
• small container of Greek yogurt with a few blueberries tossed in
• non-fat Haagen Das frozen sorbet bar
• healthy oatmeal cookies and a glass of non-fat milk
• whole wheat pretzels and a small container of 100% orange juice (NO Capri Sun etc.)
• toast with peanut butter and a tiny bit of honey along with a glass of milk (no honey or peanut butter till age 1)
• a hard boiled egg
• toasted whole grain waffles topped with non-fat cream cheese and jam and sliced into thick strips
• Trailmix: combine nuts, pretzels, whole grain cereal, banana chips or other dried fruit, popcorn (only for aged 5 and up) and raisins
• a fruit kebob made with melon balls, pineapple chunks, and cubed peaches, apples or pears
• guacamole with raw veggies and whole wheat crackers
• whole wheat crackers topped with thin slices of cheese and a few apple, orange or pear slices on the side
• a mini Boboli pizza crust (or half a toasted English muffin) topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese and broiled till bubbly
• mini bagel and low fat cream cheese
• bean and cheese quesadillas with chunky salsa
• scrambled egg topped with grated cheese and rolled into a warmed flour tortilla
• ants on a log — celery covered with peanut butter and sprinkled with raisins
• one of these delicious smoothies from AllRecipes

As you can see, there is plenty to choose from. Just remember though, keep up with the rituals that go with mealtimes even though the portions you serve are smaller. Besides fueling their bodies, mealtimes are an important part of family life and socialization so don’t go the “we just graze all day” route. Eat together at the table at established times, make it a no-stress zone (save the talk about problems for later), add conversation and make sure everyone stays for a reasonable amount of time before jumping up. The kids need to learn table manners and social skills and they also need time to bond with their tribe.

Happy eating!

Dear Mamas,

I’ve got a tiger by the tail right here in my own home, and I don’t know how to tame her. My 3 1/2 yo and I are constantly going head to head about the smallest things. It seems like everything I ask her to do is met with resistance.

Getting ready for preschool is a perfect example. She loves preschool — adores it, in fact — but when it comes time to brush her teeth and get dressed to go in the morning she throws a fit. We get into a prolonged battle where I give choices hoping to get buy-in, she agrees but then dawdles, and eventually we get into a full-on struggle and I have to force her physically into her clothes.

By the time we get to school I’m completely exhausted and she bops off happily to greet her teacher. The kicker is she doesn’t pull this number when I’m at work and Dad gets her ready, it’s just with me.

This routine is getting to be a habit and I want to break it before it goes on any longer. Help!

Pamela

Dear Pamela,

Your awareness about what’s going on with you and Tiger Cub is ggrrrrreat! She is indeed engaged in a power struggle with Mom, and I’ll bet the morning routine isn’t the only time you’re seeing it.

Moms and spirited daughters often get into this dance. You, Mom, are the person she is most connected to. You are everything in her world, and she depends on you to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Sure, she adores her daddy, but it’s not the same as the tie with you. And because she’s an independent, feisty little firecracker, she’s ambivalent about the depth of her need. Part of her always wants to remind you and herself … “You’re not the boss of me!!!!!” … even though, at the same time, she knows you are the boss and depends on you to be exactly that. Add in the fact that getting ready for school means she’s separating from you for the day and things really get wild.

Confusing, huh? We never said 3 1/2 year-olds were logical. So you’re going to need to get crafty and find creative ways to defuse the battle and outsmart her to bring peace back to your mornings.

First, try turning the battle upside-down by making it a game, instead. A few ideas:

Offer to time her and make a big deal about setting the kitchen timer or a stop watch. Make it a race … as in, “let’s see who can get dressed first! I’ll race you!” How about “I’ll bet you can’t get your glitter sandals on before I get to the end of the alphabet song!” There are loads of variations on this theme, just tailor it to the imagination of your cub. You can even offer rewards if she beats the clock, preferably an activity she loves or something non-material.

If gamesmanship fails, try stepping out of the fight. One of our favorite rules of parenting (very useful when you approach the teen years) is, “you’re not required to attend every battle you’re invited to.” Let her know that you’ll be leaving in X minutes, and she’ll need to be dressed by then or she’ll be going to school in her PJ’s. Remind her every 10 minutes or so, but don’t engage in the battle. For this approach to be successful you’ll need to keep your tone entirely neutral, as if it makes no difference  either way. If she calls your bluff you must follow through with your act intact. Don’t blow your role and get exasperated or she’ll know she has you. Who really cares if she spends the day in her pajamas?

The key to breaking this cycle is consistency. She needs to know that you mean it and will follow through with whatever consequence you set. She will test you … boy, will she ever, and chances are she’s really good at knowing your soft spots by now. You may need to repeat the same technique several times before she gets the new normal. The power struggle is comfortable for her and it’s what she knows. It will be up to you to send a strong message that it’s not happening any more. If that’s too hard to pull off, maybe Dad can handle morning duty for awhile until a new routine takes hold.

Now that you have a few options, go forth and be fearless. You are smarter than a preschooler!

For more Mamas on facing the power struggle, check out this post from awhile ago …

~ The Mamas

Dear Mamas,

We have two children and the youngest one is autistic. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. Tim takes a lot of our time and attention and Hannah is often called on to take care of herself so we can attend to Tim. She is a super responsible kid and loves her little brother a lot. She has always been really patient with him, much more than I would have been at her age. The fact is, I really need her help a lot. But sometimes I feel guilty asking her to help with him. My husband thinks she is doing fine and that she understands the situation.

My question is, am I being overly concerned about her? Should she be expected to pick up the slack and help out as much as we need? Or are we asking too much of her?

Feeling Guilty in Tulsa

Dear Guilty,

It’s so great that you are thinking about the impact that your son’s condition might be having on your daughter. She is lucky to have a mom who’s so sensitive because even though she is a “super responsible kid,” she also needs lots of attention from you. And given the circumstances, that might be a challenge – after all there are only so many hours in the day. So it’s really important that you let her know how much you appreciate the sacrifices she must occasionally make on behalf of her brother.

But you don’t need to feel guilty about asking her to pitch in. At seven, there are many things that she can do for herself and she — like all kids — should be encouraged to do as much as she is capable of. Dressing herself, keeping her room picked up, setting the table, brushing her teeth, and distributing clean laundry are just a few examples of things that she can reasonably be expected to help with. These kinds of responsibilities help her to grow, feel confident about herself, and become independent. Plus, they help her to see that she is a valuable, contributing member of her family and that makes her feel proud.

And it’s great that she likes to help out with her brother. She can, most definitely, be expected to do so, sometimes. As long as the expectations are realistic and not beyond what a child her age can or should do, it’s okay. But she should never be made to feel that she is carrying the weight of responsibility for his welfare. So, for example, she should not be expected to babysit him for hours at a time or spend an inordinate amount of time playing with him, or be asked to give up having friends or playdates of her own.

She has to feel confident that her own needs, as well as those of her brother’s, will be taken care of. In order to avoid hurt feelings and resentments down the road it’s important that you give her the attention she needs now in order to thrive and feel secure.

So sit down with your husband and figure out how you can each carve out some special time with your daughter each week that will be safeguarded no matter what! It doesn’t have to be big … just something she can really count on. Make sure that the focus is on her and her life. So, for example, if she is a big reader, you could take her to the library one evening each week and spend half an hour looking for books followed by a stop at the Frozen Yogurt Shop on the way home.

Or, maybe one of you could set aside a half hour each week to bike ride or ice skate together. Or, the two of you could have a regular “Bake Night”  and try out recipes that the whole family can enjoy later. The only caveat is that these experiences are clearly understood to be “special time” that no one — including Tim — can crash. And don’t forget to make them laptop/cell-phone-free.

Knowing that you appreciate her help and that she can look forward to regular time with each of you will help her get through the times when she must be patient and put her immediate needs aside.

Good luck with a tough situation and remember that you’re only human. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so be sure to take care of yourself, too. We’ll be thinking of you!

Dear Mamas,

I’ve been hearing lots of alarming information about arsenic in children’s fruit juice coming from the media and it’s really got me concerned. We have 2 boys – 18 months and 3 ½ — and both of them LOVE juices of all kinds. Their favorite is grape (one of the biggest offenders, I hear), but they happily slurp down any flavor I’ll give them.

Since the news reports and the segment on Dr. Oz I’ve tried to cut back but they seriously beg for their sippy cups constantly. How worried should I be? Is this just another scare tactic like mercury in vaccines? Please give me the straight scoop.

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

We’ve gotten so many questions on this subject that it’s clear it’s on the minds of moms everywhere. We all assume that the sweet liquid we pour into those cups is wholesome, if not downright healthy, so this news came as quite a shock. First, let’s run down some facts about what the science shows, then we have a few suggestions for reducing your family’s risk.

Arsenic is a naturally occurring element that can contaminate groundwater used for drinking. Even in low doses it’s a carcinogen known to cause bladder, lung, and skin cancers and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, immunodeficiency, and type 2 diabetes.

A study conducted by Consumer Reports found that roughly 10 percent of juice samples from five brands had total arsenic levels that exceeded federal drinking-water standards of 10 parts per billion (ppb). One in four samples also had lead levels higher than the FDA’s bottled-water limit of 5 ppb. No federal limit exists for arsenic or lead levels in juice. Apple and grape juice (the two with the highest levels) constitute a significant source of dietary exposure to arsenic, according to analysis of federal health data from 2003 through 2008.

Children drink a lot of juice, and thirty-five percent of children 5 and younger drink juice in quantities that exceed pediatricians’ recommendations. Mounting evidence suggests that chronic exposure to arsenic and lead, even at levels below water standards, can result in serious health problems. Arsenic has been detected at disturbing levels in other foods, too, which suggests that more must be done to reduce overall dietary exposure.

Now that we’ve scared you to death, let’s outline some strategies to minimize the risk associated with fruit juice. First, head to the consumer reports website, consumerreports.org, to find the brands found to have the lowest levels of arsenic and lead and switch. This step will give you peace of mind and healthier kiddos, but it’s just a start.

Next, set out to reduce the amount of juice your boys are drinking. Arsenic and lead levels aside, fruit juice is basically water and sugar (even fructose, the natural sugar found in fruit, is just sugar) with a few vitamins added. It adds empty calories to kids’ diets without the healthy fiber that’s present in the whole fruit. Here’s our favorite strategy:

Explain to your boys that juice is a treat, and like all treats it has its time and place. Aim to reduce the number of servings modestly – maybe by just one sippy cup per day. At the same time, begin to gradually dilute the juice in their cups with water, starting with about 1 ounce of water to every 6 ounces of juice, slowly increasing the water to juice ratio every 2-3 days. Stop when a serving has no more than 1 ounce of juice to every 6 ounces of water (barely flavored). At this point you will have dramatically decreased the amount of juice they’re taking in. Don’t worry, if you’re sneaky and go slow your little guys won’t ever know the difference.

For more details about arsenic contamination and the list of arsenic levels found in specific brands, check out this article on the Consumer Reports website.

Good Luck!

~ The Mamas

Dear Mamas,

We just got back from Christmas with my Dad and Stepmother and I am still angry about what she told me. My baby is almost five months and loves to stand up on my lap and bounce. I think he is getting stronger from it and he smiles and coos like crazy when he’s doing it but my Stepmom says it will make him bow-legged.

She also kept badgering me to put shoes on him (we were in Florida and it was warm) and says that they need to get used to shoes early. I disagree and we had a few words about it but the truth is I’m not sure anymore. I just want to do what’s right but maybe I’m just being stubborn. Help!

Thanks,

Amelia

Hi Amelia,

Thanks for your question, it’s a good one! Many people make the same mistake as your stepmom. It’s a common misconception that grew out of an old wives’ tale. But you are right on this one — not that you’re keeping score.

It is, actually, great for baby to bounce (gently, of course) on your lap as he practices putting weight on those legs and finding his center of gravity. These behaviors will assist him in learning how to walk once he gets to that stage. And the bouncing up and down is fun and will definitely NOT harm his legs or cause them to become deformed as long as he is the one initiating the movement.

As for the shoes — babies really don’t need shoes until they are really walking. While they are learning it is actually best for them to go barefoot indoors, assuming the house is warm and the floor is safe and clean. They use their little toes to get a grip on the surfaces they are attempting to walk on and socks often just make them slip (although the tight ones with that grippy stuff on the bottoms are okay).

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to think about how you are going to let your stepmother know that her advice will always be welcomed and considered but that you are the boss when it comes to your child. The trick is to not get thrown back into playing the adolescent role around her. You have to show her that you are grown up now and capable of learning everything you need to know about how to care for your baby. Once she sees that you are serious and dedicated to being an informed mom, she will probably back off.

But you have to figure out a way to give her a role in helping to care for the baby, too. She may be a great resource for you once she realizes that her job is more of a consultant. Try to remember that she is most likely just trying to help. Everybody, including your stepmom, is taking baby steps toward learning how to handle their new roles. Be patient with her, but own your own.

Dear Mamas,

We have a wonderful 3 year old son and he was recently joined by our daughter who’s now 4 weeks. My question is about when to call the doctor. We’ve struggled with this since our son was born, and still don’t feel entirely comfortable about it.

Last night, after her bedtime feeding, little Jade spit up a lot of breast milk. And I mean what looked like a HUGE volume. We were concerned that she could have lost the entire feeding and we had no clue why. We went back and forth over whether to call, and finally decided it could wait ’til morning. The next day we took her in to be checked. The pediatrician said she looked just fine and probably had just eaten more than her little belly could hold. We were pleased that we’d made the right call, but still feel like we’re in the dark. We need to know … what are the rules?

JacknJade’s Mom

Dear JJ Mom,

Great question! I think all parents (including physician parents) worry about this one. The short answer is this: You can ALWAYS call. If you’re worried, and you feel like you need advice, call. Your pediatrician and office staff are there to care for your child and give you guidance when you need it, and that includes evenings and weekends. That said, there are some important guidelines that may help. The rules are a bit different for your 4 week old than for older children, and you always want to err on the side of safety. Whenever your child is ill, hurt, or not eating or drinking normally, it’s important to get input from your pediatrician. Often these calls can wait for office hours, but here are the exceptions:

These rules apply to all young children, but the older the child the greater the reserve. So a 5 year old with a stomach virus who’s vomiting and can’t hold down Gatorade can be given a somewhat longer time to perk up because he won’t dehydrate as easily.

A calming rule of thumb: If your child is acting, eating, and drinking normally … it can probably wait ’til morning.

So those are the bottom line rules for when to call the doctor, but I want to end with the most important take-home message. Your family pediatrician needs to be a trusted resource. If he or she makes you feel uncomfortable about calling or asking questions — any questions — that’s a HUGE red flag. It’s time to find a new pediatrician.

Dear Mamas,

My in-laws (who I like) want to have my 2 kids to their house for Christmas Day. I am divorced and my ex-husband is going to be there with many of his family members, including my kids’ cousins. It’s not in our agreement to do this and I am mad that he is asking this (even though the invite came from my in-laws). I wanted to spend the day with them myself although to be honest I hadn’t really planned much. If I let them go will my husband think he can take advantage of me in the future? He’s not a bad guy at all, we just are different people.

Thanks and i know this is really late. Hope you can answer fast.

Sandi

Dear Sandi,

This is a tough one if you just look at what’s going on between you and your ex. It sounds like you suspect he got his parents to call for him so you would be more inclined to say yes. But maybe they just really wanted to spend some time with their grandchildren and decided to throw caution to the wind and see what you would say. Grandparents are often the silent victims when couples divorce because they lose access to their grandkids and are often devastated by this loss. Kids may also take the loss of time and contact with their grandparents hard.

In a situation like this, the main ones to consider are your children. What do you think they would want to do if given the chance and didn’t feel pressured to take sides? They may really want to see their grandparents/Dad/aunts/uncles/cousins and celebrate Christmas with them. Unfortunately, they may feel like they are betraying you if they say so. It’s a difficult place to be and they need to know you’re on board before they can feel comfortable about going.

If, after considering things from their perspective, you feel like it might be a nice thing for them to do, swallow your pride, talk to your ex and get his thoughts on the situation. If he agrees that it would be fun for them, ask them if they would like to go. Just make sure you don’t cue them in any way to feel sorry for you and stay home out of a sense of loyalty or concern for you.

Or, on the other hand, you could have your in-laws call them and extend the invitation themselves. This is, of course, assuming that it’s okay with you. If it is, maybe you can plan a fun way to celebrate Christmas Eve with them so they get special holiday time with all of you. The main thing is to make sure that they don’t get put in the middle of a tug-of-war between you and your ex.

Holidays pose one of the most difficult challenges for divorced families with kids. It’s so important to remember that they didn’t have any control over whether you and their father stayed together and, as a result, their feelings should take precedence here. That’s not to say that yours aren’t important. They are but you have choices and power in the situation and they don’t. They need you to remember how important family holidays are when you’re a kid.

The key, I think, is flexibility because even though you may have an agreement that works well on paper, things change and you have to adapt. Just remember that if the situation were reversed, you could be the one to miss out on sharing a special family party or event with your kids simply because it wasn’t in the agreement. Not a good way to live.

Going forward, I would encourage you to do some counseling with your ex. Make it your goal to clear out any residual marital or custody issues so they don’t interfere with your kid’s ability to enjoy both families and all the holidays to come, guilt-free.

I hope you can work things out and experience some the joy and peace that the season brings.

Dear Mamas,

Now I’ve heard everything.

I recently struck up a friendship with the mom of one of my daughter’s preschool classmates. We’re in the ‘getting to know you’ phase — that period when you’re feeling each other out for similarities and differences. Like red or white, chocolate or vanilla, latte or espresso? And in our case, what’s your parenting style, since conflict there can suck the air right out of a friendship. Let’s call her Chloe.

Yesterday Chloe called all excited to announce that little Nell has chickenpox. She’d just come from the pediatrician where the diagnosis was confirmed (after her doc called in 2 partners to offer an opinion, it’s so rare these days). No, Nell never had the vaccine, Chloe preferred to take her chances with the natural bug. Now she’s glad that her strategy worked and is calling to invite us to a “pox party”. Would I care to jump on this opportunity to infect my Gigi?

There are a couple things about this situation that have me wondering (Gigi’s already had the chicken pox vaccine, so we’re declining the invite): First, if Nell hasn’t been vaccinated against chicken pox, isn’t it likely she hasn’t been immunized against other things like whooping cough or measles that could be dangerous for Gigi? Second, is there benefit in letting natural immunity take its course with some childhood infections? Should I have thought twice before I let her get that shot? Finally, is it common for parents to have these kind of gatherings for their friends’ children? What if one of the children gets seriously ill?

As a mom, I couldn’t live with that.

I like Chloe and want to continue our friendship, but now I don’t know. This stuff sounds crazy to me, but maybe I’m just out of the loop. What do you think?

Barb

Dear Barb,

What a timely question! Just last week we were reading about the increasing popularity of this trend, which now includes sending varicella (the name of the virus that causes chicken pox) infected lollipops through the mail to children of family and friends who live too far away to attend the party.

More and more parents, wary of unnecessary vaccinations, are opting for their children to earn immunity to chickenpox the old-fashioned way. A kiddo who has chickenpox can spread the virus for up to 48 hours before the small blisters appear, and they remain contagious until all the spots crust over. After a child catches chickenpox the body creates antibodies that are effective and confer immunity for a lifetime.

Once the virus enters the body it begins to replicate, stealthily gaining steam until 1-3 weeks later when fever and flu-like symptoms appear. This is the time when a child is most contagious — before the tell-tale blisters show up, but he’s already starting to feel yucky — and he will continue to pass on the virus until all the pox have crusted over.

Usually the illness is mild, requiring only a few days home from school and some topical soothing for itchy skin, but about 10% of cases are severe and possible complications include vomiting, dehydration, infection and pneumonia. Even death.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends two doses of the vaccine (to reach 95% effectiveness) because the consequences of contracting the virus are much worse than those of the vaccine.

Does immunization confer lifelong immunity? We don’t know for sure, but most pediatricians now recommend a booster at kindergarten time (the first dose is commonly given at 12 months) to avoid waning protection. There has been some concern that immunity may begin to wear off during adulthood, in the 30′s and 40′s when a full-blown case of chicken pox tends to be far more severe, sometimes requiring hospitalization. For adults who contract the virus, especially pregnant women and those with compromised immune systems, chickenpox can be dangerous or even deadly.

So does it make some sense to skip the vaccine and take your chances with the wild virus? Most docs believe the risk of that strategy is too high; both for the child and for other innocent bystanders who may be infected.

An example I like to use is the check-out clerk at your local market. You could be completely unaware that she’s receiving radiation therapy for breast cancer, which suppresses her immune function. And, as luck would have it, she never had chicken pox as a child and has zero protection. Along comes your kiddo who recently attended one of those pox parties and is brewing a whoppin’ case of the yuckies. He happened to sneeze all over that box of animal crackers before it landed in the cart and is about to give her the gift of a lifetime. Not okay.

Since the vaccine is 80% effective after the first dose, and 95% after two, the odds are pretty good that it will prevent catching and passing on the illness. Those who do get breakthrough chicken pox after immunization will have much milder cases, usually limited to just a few itchy lesions and minor upper respiratory symptoms.

As for your friendship, we might suggest a philosophy of live and let live. By all means ask Chloe which immunizations Nell has had, and if they’re up to date. Then discuss with Gigi’s doctor whether any missing shots put her at risk if the girls are in close contact. Job one is keeping your child safe from preventable health threats, and once that’s handled you’ll be wise to leave space for other moms to follow their own rules. You’ll avoid lots of land mines and wrecked friendships that way.

For more info about chicken pox and the varicella vaccine, check out the American Academy of Pediatrics here.

Good Luck!

~ The Mamas

Dear Mamas,

My daughter is 17 and waving the “Im going to be 18 and then I’m outta here” flag. It’s stabbing at my heart. She knows I have abandonment issues and like a typical teenager who figures out how to get to people, uses it. She is disrespectful and calls me out on every mistake I make and tells me she has no respect for me anymore. My live-in boyfriend moved out because he couldn’t handle all the fighting. We lived together for three years. His daughter and I had a good relationship until I moved in. I tried to resolve the issues early on and it just made things worse.

He and I now live in two different homes. We both still love and care about each other and spend nights together when we can to just share a meal and a movie. Neither one of us want to end the relationship. Now his daughter does not spend much time with him (she’s 16) and mine hates him. He tells my daughter he doesn’t like how she treats me and she just says, “You’re not my dad, so it doesn’t matter what you think”.

I feel tugged in every direction because I love all parties involved. I also have an 11 yr old and an 8 year old to raise. It’s very important to me that I get these issues resolved so that my family is healthy and growing in a good way. It’s my job to make sure my children are the best people they can be to better this world. And teaching them how to cope is key for me. I need to know how to show them.

How can I get the older daughters to stop trying to control my (and my boyfriend’s) life?

Confused

Dear Confused,

Wow! It sounds like things are very chaotic at your house and that the kids are running the show. I hear that you want to make everyone happy but caving in to what the kids want, regardless of whether you feel it is right, is not the way to go. It actually makes children feel anxious and angry when they have too much power. It’s a very uncomfortable place for them to be. They know they can’t handle it, but will challenge and provoke you until you make it clear that you are the boss and the one calling the shots. And in order for them to settle down, they must believe that you know what you’re doing and that you mean what you say.

Children of all ages need limits, structure and consistency in their lives in order to grow strong and healthy. These things are as necessary for them as food and water. They need to know what is expected of them and that there will be consequences if they don’t follow through with the game plan. They need order and predictability and the knowledge that a loving, caring adult is on the job looking out for them. Above all they need to know that YOU, their mother, is in charge and making good, mature decisions for them that will keep them safe and on track.

At this point it seems like they are holding you hostage and controlling your life instead. I can imagine how frustrated and worried you must be.  It also sounds like there has been a lot of disappointment and hurt feelings for the grown-ups as well as the kids. Things have gotten way off track and I’m so glad that you are willing to take a good, hard look at what you can do to turn them around.

Frankly, I think you are going to need some help with this. You need to reclaim your role as C.E.O. of your family and you need new tools in order to do this. Good parenting is a skill that can be learned — in fact it has to be learned. None of us are born knowing how to do it.

So now it’s time for you to get the skills, techniques, support and understanding you need in order to do your best. You want to get a good start on this while your daughter is still young enough to be living under your roof. Once she is legally able to be on her own, your authority over her will be harder to enforce. She could end up in a lot of trouble and I know you don’t want that. Plus, your little ones are learning, through her example, exactly what it takes to make you crazy.

They need to see that the two of you can work things out. When they see you make the commitment to do whatever it takes to restore order at home, they will feel much more secure about themselves and their family and will be able to focus on developing their own skills and talents. Everyone will be able to heave a much needed sigh of relief.

The first step for you then, is to contact your pediatrician or school counselor to get the names of some family therapists in your area and the sooner, the better. I hear that you love your children and want to make life better for them and yourself. I’m sure that things can improve but it’s going to take some hard work and it won’t be easy, so get the help you need A.S.A.P. Don’t give up until you find the right person to help you. He or she is out there and you can do this!

Once things settle down at home, the chances will be much better for you and your boyfriend to create a happier, more stable life together, too. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Dear Mamas,

Our newborn baby girl is 2 weeks old and we’ve been careful to always put her down on her back to sleep during the day and at night.  I know all about how important it is for babies to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS.

I recently learned that a nephew who’s 3 ½ months old had to be fitted with a reshaping helmet because one side of his head was flattened from lying on his back all the time, and now I’m worried that the same thing will happen to my daughter. How big a danger is it and how can I prevent it?  Is avoiding a small risk of SIDS worth risking damage to our little girl’s head?

J in Chicago

 

Dear J,

Thank you for this question. It’s on the minds of new parents everywhere as we see more and more infants in that adorable headgear.

Before the American Academy of Pediatrics began recommending Back to Sleep, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) was the most common cause of death in infants under one year. Since then the number of cases has been cut in half. Great news!

But an unintended consequence of the Back to Sleep campaign has been a huge increase in the number of babies with flattening on one side of the head (technical name: flat head syndrome, or positional flattening). Infants now spend most of their time lying flat on their backs and tend to keep their heads turned to the same side. The more they do that during the first few months, the more likely they are to have one-sided flattening.

The skull bones are soft and movable to allow the head to pass through the birth canal. They have spaces in between to accommodate the rapid brain growth during the first year. When baby consistently lies in the same position, the bones can slide and mold, flattening on one side.

It’s important to note that any flattening is cosmetic only. It does not affect brain growth or development, and most cases re-mold without treatment as baby spends more time sitting upright. There are also strategies you can use to help prevent flat spots. A new report in Pediatrics recommends the following techniques:

~ Change your baby’s direction in the crib each week. This encourages him to turn his head to the other side.

~ Place an interesting toy or picture to the underused side when baby is awake to coax his attention in that direction.

~ Change sleep location periodically (crib to bassinet to infant/car seat) for a shift in the pressure spot.

~ Increase supervised tummy time when baby is awake. 30-60 minutes each day helps develop neck and shoulder muscles and enhances overall motor development.

~ Increase cuddle time. Let baby sleep against your body in a sling or infant carrier during the day when you’re up and about to reposition and take pressure off the head.  Note: Do not co-sleep due to asphyxiation risk.

 Repositioning should be the first line of correction, even if mild flattening has already occurred. It has been shown to be just as effective as molding helmets and is undoubtedly more comfortable for baby (imagine wearing the equivalent of a football helmet all day long). Surgery should only be considered in the most severe cases after all other remedies have failed.

So never fear, there are ways to keep your new baby safe (isn’t that the most important thing?) and keep her little head symmetrical at the same time. No need to choose one in favor of the other.

Congrats on your new addition …

~ the Mamas