My three are all in periods of vaguely disquieting transition right now and I sit with it in my lap and on my heart, living proof that you never stop being an active parent, whether the worry is this month’s ear infection or big life choices that carry years of consequences.

Older son is in his first year of grad school, on his way to an advanced degree in … wait for it … Philosophy. Younger son is in his last semester of undergrad, facing those scary unemployment numbers out in the real world with his BA in … English Literature. Daughter is waiting on pins and needles for verdicts from the uber-selective college(s) of her choice, and I don’t care how accomplished and self-confident you are, it’s hard for any 17-year-old not to feel judged like a finalist in the Miss America pageant right about now.

These might sound like good problems to have. Each is a result of hard work and the message we sent from the day they were born: Find what you love and go for it, pedal to the metal. Don’t follow any path because someone says you should, or because it’s the direction your friends are going. Choose the road less traveled and make it happen.

Obviously, they all got the memo, but did we forget the addendum?

During our family’s early growing years (those far-away 80′s and 90′s) it seemed like the sky was the limit. We worked hard, we saved, and we were rewarded with a reasonably comfortable and happy life. Those were the days when the latter was an expected result of the former. Our kids were never made to feel that earning a living should be in conflict with self-fulfillment, or that putting food on the table would require compromise as long as you were willing to put in the effort. That seems like such a luxury in today’s economic times.

Husband and I both came from families that appreciated and encouraged an appropriate amount of informed risk (a story for another day), and we passed that on to our own. But here we are in what feels like a different universe, and I’m having serious second thoughts.

Did we make a huge mistake by failing to teach them the value of playing it safe? Sure, it’s great to go for the grand slam, but doesn’t it make sense sometimes to settle for a walk and not risk striking out, as long as you get on base? Did our you can be anything you want to be, as long as you do it well approach point them toward futures filled with disappointment and frustration when they bump up against real limits imposed by the real world?

Maybe we should have pushed engineering and accounting. Maybe we should have demanded practical minors to provide a recession-proof hedge against those liberal arts majors. Maybe we should have pushed harder for the Mandarin and Arabic courses that the more practical students were signing up for. Should have, could have, would have …

I guess what I’m really asking is, will we be to blame if they’re not able to attain the fulfilled and successful working lives we raised them to reach for? Did we send them in the wrong direction by offering an unrealistic vision of what’s possible?

But then I need to remind myself that anything’s possible. The road is theirs, not mine. Ouch.

Bottom line — they will make their own choices and be responsible for the outcomes. As hard as it is to accept that I can’t work my Mommy magic anymore and promise them everything will work out, it’s a fact. And who am I really promising, anyway?

I come full circle and realize it’s my own uncertainty that’s at the root of the feeling in the pit of my stomach, not theirs.

It’s my want to shield Daughter from the sting of the thin envelope, even while I know that disappointment is as powerful a teacher as success. It’s my hope that Younger will land a position that pays the rent and uses his brain, so he’s not trapped in an unskilled job that numbs his spirit — or no job at all. It’s my need to know that Older will finish all those years of schooling and come out into a world where universities still hire Philosophy professors.

The struggle isn’t to be shunned; they’ll struggle no matter what. And I’ll struggle to remind myself … it’s their choice, not ours.

Dear Mamas,

I’ve got a tiger by the tail right here in my own home, and I don’t know how to tame her. My 3 1/2 yo and I are constantly going head to head about the smallest things. It seems like everything I ask her to do is met with resistance.

Getting ready for preschool is a perfect example. She loves preschool — adores it, in fact — but when it comes time to brush her teeth and get dressed to go in the morning she throws a fit. We get into a prolonged battle where I give choices hoping to get buy-in, she agrees but then dawdles, and eventually we get into a full-on struggle and I have to force her physically into her clothes.

By the time we get to school I’m completely exhausted and she bops off happily to greet her teacher. The kicker is she doesn’t pull this number when I’m at work and Dad gets her ready, it’s just with me.

This routine is getting to be a habit and I want to break it before it goes on any longer. Help!

Pamela

Dear Pamela,

Your awareness about what’s going on with you and Tiger Cub is ggrrrrreat! She is indeed engaged in a power struggle with Mom, and I’ll bet the morning routine isn’t the only time you’re seeing it.

Moms and spirited daughters often get into this dance. You, Mom, are the person she is most connected to. You are everything in her world, and she depends on you to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Sure, she adores her daddy, but it’s not the same as the tie with you. And because she’s an independent, feisty little firecracker, she’s ambivalent about the depth of her need. Part of her always wants to remind you and herself … “You’re not the boss of me!!!!!” … even though, at the same time, she knows you are the boss and depends on you to be exactly that. Add in the fact that getting ready for school means she’s separating from you for the day and things really get wild.

Confusing, huh? We never said 3 1/2 year-olds were logical. So you’re going to need to get crafty and find creative ways to defuse the battle and outsmart her to bring peace back to your mornings.

First, try turning the battle upside-down by making it a game, instead. A few ideas:

Offer to time her and make a big deal about setting the kitchen timer or a stop watch. Make it a race … as in, “let’s see who can get dressed first! I’ll race you!” How about “I’ll bet you can’t get your glitter sandals on before I get to the end of the alphabet song!” There are loads of variations on this theme, just tailor it to the imagination of your cub. You can even offer rewards if she beats the clock, preferably an activity she loves or something non-material.

If gamesmanship fails, try stepping out of the fight. One of our favorite rules of parenting (very useful when you approach the teen years) is, “you’re not required to attend every battle you’re invited to.” Let her know that you’ll be leaving in X minutes, and she’ll need to be dressed by then or she’ll be going to school in her PJ’s. Remind her every 10 minutes or so, but don’t engage in the battle. For this approach to be successful you’ll need to keep your tone entirely neutral, as if it makes no difference  either way. If she calls your bluff you must follow through with your act intact. Don’t blow your role and get exasperated or she’ll know she has you. Who really cares if she spends the day in her pajamas?

The key to breaking this cycle is consistency. She needs to know that you mean it and will follow through with whatever consequence you set. She will test you … boy, will she ever, and chances are she’s really good at knowing your soft spots by now. You may need to repeat the same technique several times before she gets the new normal. The power struggle is comfortable for her and it’s what she knows. It will be up to you to send a strong message that it’s not happening any more. If that’s too hard to pull off, maybe Dad can handle morning duty for awhile until a new routine takes hold.

Now that you have a few options, go forth and be fearless. You are smarter than a preschooler!

For more Mamas on facing the power struggle, check out this post from awhile ago …

~ The Mamas

First, some reassurance. 99% of poop is perfectly normal, and it changes as your baby grows.

The look, smell, and amount is a direct result of what’s going IN the other end, and how it’s affected by digestion in the GI tract. The newborn who’s breast-fed-only will probably have poop that’s about the color and consistency of mustard up to several times a day (that’s after they’ve gotten rid of the mucous and dark meconium of fetal life). A babe on a formula diet will go less often, maybe once a day or every other, and it will be darker, stinkier, and firmer. If you see some green mixed in, that’s OK. All nutrition is not digested equally.

A quick note about constipation. The word refers to poop that is very hard or difficult to pass. It’s rare for a breast-only baby to become constipated. Mother nature pretty much takes care of that. Occasionally, formula fed infants will have a bit of trouble, so if it looks like yours is straining to the point of pain (as opposed to pushing and grunting which is normal), check with your pediatrician. There are some simple tricks that can help loosen the log jam. According to Web MD, constipation becomes more common as kids get older, and may reach 10% as children approach school age.

When you start to feed solids (4 – 6 months) things change. Strained fruit and veggies may vary the color and texture of poop a bit, but it’s nothing to worry about. When you add animal products smells get stronger, colors get darker, and diaper rash may become more of a problem. Meat is irritating — no matter how you cut it.

And now, on to the question I hear most often: When babies start finger foods, like bite-sized pieces of vegetables and fruits, is it normal for them to show up undigested in the diaper? Is it harmful? Yes, it’s normal. No harm done. When babies have only a few front teeth, they’re not able to chew food completely and much of it will be swallowed whole. Stomach juices and digestive action will extract a good part of the nutritional value, but you may well see what appears to be whole bites show up in the diaper. Have no fear, this is mostly the fiber ‘shell’ that never got chewed.

Sometime between 2 1/2 and 3 1/2, your little guy will start poopin’ in the potty and your daily examination will come to an end — not a moment too soon. Most of our concern is a result of the up-close-and-personal nature of diaper changing.

That said, here are the poop characteristics that should send you to the pediatrician right away:

Red blood in the diaper in any amount.

Black, tarry stool that’s significantly different than before.

White or colorless stool.

Bulky, fatty stool that persists and floats in the toilet.

Enough about poop! Go forth in peace …

Dear Mamas,

I’ve been hearing lots of alarming information about arsenic in children’s fruit juice coming from the media and it’s really got me concerned. We have 2 boys – 18 months and 3 ½ — and both of them LOVE juices of all kinds. Their favorite is grape (one of the biggest offenders, I hear), but they happily slurp down any flavor I’ll give them.

Since the news reports and the segment on Dr. Oz I’ve tried to cut back but they seriously beg for their sippy cups constantly. How worried should I be? Is this just another scare tactic like mercury in vaccines? Please give me the straight scoop.

Kristin

Dear Kristin,

We’ve gotten so many questions on this subject that it’s clear it’s on the minds of moms everywhere. We all assume that the sweet liquid we pour into those cups is wholesome, if not downright healthy, so this news came as quite a shock. First, let’s run down some facts about what the science shows, then we have a few suggestions for reducing your family’s risk.

Arsenic is a naturally occurring element that can contaminate groundwater used for drinking. Even in low doses it’s a carcinogen known to cause bladder, lung, and skin cancers and increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, immunodeficiency, and type 2 diabetes.

A study conducted by Consumer Reports found that roughly 10 percent of juice samples from five brands had total arsenic levels that exceeded federal drinking-water standards of 10 parts per billion (ppb). One in four samples also had lead levels higher than the FDA’s bottled-water limit of 5 ppb. No federal limit exists for arsenic or lead levels in juice. Apple and grape juice (the two with the highest levels) constitute a significant source of dietary exposure to arsenic, according to analysis of federal health data from 2003 through 2008.

Children drink a lot of juice, and thirty-five percent of children 5 and younger drink juice in quantities that exceed pediatricians’ recommendations. Mounting evidence suggests that chronic exposure to arsenic and lead, even at levels below water standards, can result in serious health problems. Arsenic has been detected at disturbing levels in other foods, too, which suggests that more must be done to reduce overall dietary exposure.

Now that we’ve scared you to death, let’s outline some strategies to minimize the risk associated with fruit juice. First, head to the consumer reports website, consumerreports.org, to find the brands found to have the lowest levels of arsenic and lead and switch. This step will give you peace of mind and healthier kiddos, but it’s just a start.

Next, set out to reduce the amount of juice your boys are drinking. Arsenic and lead levels aside, fruit juice is basically water and sugar (even fructose, the natural sugar found in fruit, is just sugar) with a few vitamins added. It adds empty calories to kids’ diets without the healthy fiber that’s present in the whole fruit. Here’s our favorite strategy:

Explain to your boys that juice is a treat, and like all treats it has its time and place. Aim to reduce the number of servings modestly – maybe by just one sippy cup per day. At the same time, begin to gradually dilute the juice in their cups with water, starting with about 1 ounce of water to every 6 ounces of juice, slowly increasing the water to juice ratio every 2-3 days. Stop when a serving has no more than 1 ounce of juice to every 6 ounces of water (barely flavored). At this point you will have dramatically decreased the amount of juice they’re taking in. Don’t worry, if you’re sneaky and go slow your little guys won’t ever know the difference.

For more details about arsenic contamination and the list of arsenic levels found in specific brands, check out this article on the Consumer Reports website.

Good Luck!

~ The Mamas

It started way back before Christmas when the family (Mom) packed up for a pilgrimage to Florida to visit the grandparents. All five of us, plus Older Son’s girlfriend, headed out in the pre-Christmas dawn (on THE busiest air travel day of the year, according to our shuttle driver), to bask in the tropical sun and have some much-needed multigenerational together time.

In the weeks leading up to the trip I booked tickets for six, figured out airport transportation, reserved rental cars, packed up and mailed boxes of gifts and decoration for eight nights of Chanukah, counted luggage, herded cats, and ordered a partridge in a pear tree on Amazon.com. Well, not that last one.

After a few blissful days of eating and drinking too much, making a small dent in the pile of reading I’ve collected, and spending lots of time with the people I love most in the world — never mind that much of it was spent preparing meals and cleaning up afterwards — we all shifted gears and headed north, with the grandparents in tow, to join more family and honor the 90th birthday of our beloved Aunt Ruth.

This leg of our journey required another set of air reservations (curses on Continental Airlines, who apparently believes it’s perfectly alright to toss those seat assignments you spend hours choosing online and randomly spread your party of nine in middle seats all over the plane), hotel rooms, cold weather clothing, two more rental cars, and a whole new set of logistical gymnastics.

After a wonderful celebration that made it all worthwhile, we headed home to a new house we moved into just three weeks ago, where mountains of cardboard boxes awaited. And did I fail to mention that we’d innocently evited 75 of our closest friends to an open house gathering on New Year’s Eve, just three days away at this point? Yes, I  am a certifiably insane overachiever. You can undoubtedly fill in the rest of that story.

I just noticed this post is a series of run-on sentences that read like a grocery list of overwhelming, unenviable tasks. That’s perfect.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining or looking for sympathy. I’m not bashing Husband or my wonderful children. Far from it. They’re independent near-adults who do a great job of taking care of themselves and enthusiastically offer help whenever they can. But that’s just it. They help. They don’t organize. They don’t manage. They don’t take responsibility and handle stuff. They help.

And you know what? I’m to blame. It’s my fault. Mea culpa. Because I jump on all of it — every last bit. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if I took care of every detail. Did something slip by? Did I confirm all thirteen car rentals? Did I order enough food for hundreds? Are everyone’s emotional needs met? Have I made sure no one will ever be let down? Double sure?

It’s exhausting, and I’m willing to bet almost every mom reading this — no matter how helpful and hands-on your partner is — can relate to the feeling.

We take it on and we figure it out. We delegate what we can and oh-so-efficiently handle the rest. We make the sun rise in the morning and the moon come up at night. Seriously. And most of us have full-time jobs on the outside at the same time. We’re livin’ the dream.

Back in the dark ages of the 1970′s, Ms., the nascent feminist magazine, published an article called I Want a Wife, by Judy Brady. It outlined all the things we women provide, all the roles we fill, all the under-appreciated tasks we perform to allow the comfortable lives lived by our families. I read that article some years later when my own kids were small and thought, YES! A wife is exactly what I need.

What surprises me after all this time is that not much has changed. My family has grown up, I’ve shifted careers a couple of times, and we’ve all learned and evolved. But at the center of it I’m still organizing and managing like a crazy person. I’m care-taking as fast as I can. Deep down, I suppose I must like it this way. But what I’d really like, Gloria Steinem, is a wife.

How ’bout you?

Dear Mamas,

We have a wonderful 3 year old son and he was recently joined by our daughter who’s now 4 weeks. My question is about when to call the doctor. We’ve struggled with this since our son was born, and still don’t feel entirely comfortable about it.

Last night, after her bedtime feeding, little Jade spit up a lot of breast milk. And I mean what looked like a HUGE volume. We were concerned that she could have lost the entire feeding and we had no clue why. We went back and forth over whether to call, and finally decided it could wait ’til morning. The next day we took her in to be checked. The pediatrician said she looked just fine and probably had just eaten more than her little belly could hold. We were pleased that we’d made the right call, but still feel like we’re in the dark. We need to know … what are the rules?

JacknJade’s Mom

Dear JJ Mom,

Great question! I think all parents (including physician parents) worry about this one. The short answer is this: You can ALWAYS call. If you’re worried, and you feel like you need advice, call. Your pediatrician and office staff are there to care for your child and give you guidance when you need it, and that includes evenings and weekends. That said, there are some important guidelines that may help. The rules are a bit different for your 4 week old than for older children, and you always want to err on the side of safety. Whenever your child is ill, hurt, or not eating or drinking normally, it’s important to get input from your pediatrician. Often these calls can wait for office hours, but here are the exceptions:

These rules apply to all young children, but the older the child the greater the reserve. So a 5 year old with a stomach virus who’s vomiting and can’t hold down Gatorade can be given a somewhat longer time to perk up because he won’t dehydrate as easily.

A calming rule of thumb: If your child is acting, eating, and drinking normally … it can probably wait ’til morning.

So those are the bottom line rules for when to call the doctor, but I want to end with the most important take-home message. Your family pediatrician needs to be a trusted resource. If he or she makes you feel uncomfortable about calling or asking questions — any questions — that’s a HUGE red flag. It’s time to find a new pediatrician.

1. Newborns sleep peacefully and barely make a peep during the first week of life. Then they find their voices and all bets are off.
2. Even though you knew it would happen, the first time they flip from front to back (about 3 months) and vice-versa, you’ll be blown away.
3. No matter how hard they cry, infants under 4 months don’t shed tears. Their tear ducts don’t develop until then. Why 4 months? Who knows?
4. Their ability to grasp appears at about 6 months. Before then, pressure on the palms initiates a reflex splaying of the fingers. This reflex is lost as the grasp shows up.
5. Sometime after 6 months, baby will start making sounds and noises for effect, to get your attention. He’s learned he can make things happen in the world and loves to interact.
6. His sense of humor shows up at about 7 months. Silly faces, funny noises and baby jokes will get a true laugh from him, not just tickles and raspberries.
7. By 9 months he will be easily distracted. His attention will be drawn to a toy for a flash, but a second later he’s moved on to chasing the cat. He’s now much more aware of all the stimuli going on around him.
8. Baby’s first words appear shortly after 9 months. Usually DaDa, sometimes uh-oh. Rarely, MaMa will be first.
9. Oops, I forgot! Baby may seem to forget skills he’s already learned. He hasn’t really forgotten though, he’s just putting all his concentration on learning something new.
10. Your little baby can nurture, too. He’ll try to feed or soothe a doll, you, or a stuffed animal by around one year. This is the beginning of social behavior and empathy — encourage it.
11. Get ready for the relentless days of “NO”- there will be many of them. Translation: You’re not the boss of me. Baby power is taking shape. It’s normal and to be expected and comes from his need to practice independence. Offer choices whenever possible and just remember, you are smarter than he is!

Dear Mamas,

Now I’ve heard everything.

I recently struck up a friendship with the mom of one of my daughter’s preschool classmates. We’re in the ‘getting to know you’ phase — that period when you’re feeling each other out for similarities and differences. Like red or white, chocolate or vanilla, latte or espresso? And in our case, what’s your parenting style, since conflict there can suck the air right out of a friendship. Let’s call her Chloe.

Yesterday Chloe called all excited to announce that little Nell has chickenpox. She’d just come from the pediatrician where the diagnosis was confirmed (after her doc called in 2 partners to offer an opinion, it’s so rare these days). No, Nell never had the vaccine, Chloe preferred to take her chances with the natural bug. Now she’s glad that her strategy worked and is calling to invite us to a “pox party”. Would I care to jump on this opportunity to infect my Gigi?

There are a couple things about this situation that have me wondering (Gigi’s already had the chicken pox vaccine, so we’re declining the invite): First, if Nell hasn’t been vaccinated against chicken pox, isn’t it likely she hasn’t been immunized against other things like whooping cough or measles that could be dangerous for Gigi? Second, is there benefit in letting natural immunity take its course with some childhood infections? Should I have thought twice before I let her get that shot? Finally, is it common for parents to have these kind of gatherings for their friends’ children? What if one of the children gets seriously ill?

As a mom, I couldn’t live with that.

I like Chloe and want to continue our friendship, but now I don’t know. This stuff sounds crazy to me, but maybe I’m just out of the loop. What do you think?

Barb

Dear Barb,

What a timely question! Just last week we were reading about the increasing popularity of this trend, which now includes sending varicella (the name of the virus that causes chicken pox) infected lollipops through the mail to children of family and friends who live too far away to attend the party.

More and more parents, wary of unnecessary vaccinations, are opting for their children to earn immunity to chickenpox the old-fashioned way. A kiddo who has chickenpox can spread the virus for up to 48 hours before the small blisters appear, and they remain contagious until all the spots crust over. After a child catches chickenpox the body creates antibodies that are effective and confer immunity for a lifetime.

Once the virus enters the body it begins to replicate, stealthily gaining steam until 1-3 weeks later when fever and flu-like symptoms appear. This is the time when a child is most contagious — before the tell-tale blisters show up, but he’s already starting to feel yucky — and he will continue to pass on the virus until all the pox have crusted over.

Usually the illness is mild, requiring only a few days home from school and some topical soothing for itchy skin, but about 10% of cases are severe and possible complications include vomiting, dehydration, infection and pneumonia. Even death.  The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends two doses of the vaccine (to reach 95% effectiveness) because the consequences of contracting the virus are much worse than those of the vaccine.

Does immunization confer lifelong immunity? We don’t know for sure, but most pediatricians now recommend a booster at kindergarten time (the first dose is commonly given at 12 months) to avoid waning protection. There has been some concern that immunity may begin to wear off during adulthood, in the 30′s and 40′s when a full-blown case of chicken pox tends to be far more severe, sometimes requiring hospitalization. For adults who contract the virus, especially pregnant women and those with compromised immune systems, chickenpox can be dangerous or even deadly.

So does it make some sense to skip the vaccine and take your chances with the wild virus? Most docs believe the risk of that strategy is too high; both for the child and for other innocent bystanders who may be infected.

An example I like to use is the check-out clerk at your local market. You could be completely unaware that she’s receiving radiation therapy for breast cancer, which suppresses her immune function. And, as luck would have it, she never had chicken pox as a child and has zero protection. Along comes your kiddo who recently attended one of those pox parties and is brewing a whoppin’ case of the yuckies. He happened to sneeze all over that box of animal crackers before it landed in the cart and is about to give her the gift of a lifetime. Not okay.

Since the vaccine is 80% effective after the first dose, and 95% after two, the odds are pretty good that it will prevent catching and passing on the illness. Those who do get breakthrough chicken pox after immunization will have much milder cases, usually limited to just a few itchy lesions and minor upper respiratory symptoms.

As for your friendship, we might suggest a philosophy of live and let live. By all means ask Chloe which immunizations Nell has had, and if they’re up to date. Then discuss with Gigi’s doctor whether any missing shots put her at risk if the girls are in close contact. Job one is keeping your child safe from preventable health threats, and once that’s handled you’ll be wise to leave space for other moms to follow their own rules. You’ll avoid lots of land mines and wrecked friendships that way.

For more info about chicken pox and the varicella vaccine, check out the American Academy of Pediatrics here.

Good Luck!

~ The Mamas

When I say family, I mean all of us. Older Son with live-in girlfriend, Younger Son, Daughter, both sisters-in-law, niece and nephew, Husband and me. Plus various cousins and aunts and uncles who will join us for the milestone event of Aunt Ruth’s 90th birthday party. Planning for this has been epic, filled with the usual family drama over a year’s time.

I will admit to suffering from a touch of bad attitude-itis about this trip. Peak airfares, non-existent rental cars, complicated travel arrangements, juggled academic schedules, not to mention our recent home move (recent like last week), a sea of yet-to-be-unpacked boxes, and  difficulty finding available doggie care during Christmas week have made me cranky. It’s hard to look forward to the hard-of-hearing, TV cranked up to impossible volumes, bickering over bathroom privileges and what to eat for dinner, inevitable criticism of hairstyles and clothing choices, and intrusive questions about anything and everything.

What is it about older people asking rude questions, anyway? Is there a virus that attacks at a certain age, after which you can say anything you want, good manners be damned? I don’t get it.

So here I am, feeling burdened and just a wee bit resentful, until I overhear Older Son and Daughter discussing the trip –

Daughter: I’m excited for Florida … it’s going to be amazing.

Older: Yeah, Pop-pop’s really great. It’ll be chill to hang out with him there. Even Grammy’s so much more fun on her home turf.

Daughter: We’ll all be together and we’ll get to see Rachel and the baby [cousin Rachel, who had the first baby of the next generation via artificial insemination with her wife] … I can’t wait to watch the relatives’ reaction.

Older: Picture the play-by-play. Who’s going to write that short story? Where’s Woody Allen when we need him [ain't it the truth!!]?

Daughter: It’ll be so nice to be with everyone. That’s tradition, ya know?

Older: Can’t believe Ruthie’s 90 years old. How amazing is THAT?

Daughter: I just LOVE Ruthie.

WHAT?! Who’s kids are these? Not mine, certainly. They’re undoubtedly aliens who have landed in my home.

My kids complain loudly whenever they’re taken out of their immediate environment and away from their friends (unless it’s for a mega-high priced international adventure). My kids whine when asked to attend family occasions that don’t fit into their plans. My kids run the other way as fast as they can when the phone rings and they see the grandparents’ number on the caller ID.

I don’t know how to explain this transformation. Perhaps all these years spent shuttling from coast to coast to be with family have finally taken root? Maybe scores of school vacations consumed by reunions full of uncomfortable meals and conversations have had delayed impact? Could it be they’ve reached an age where blood really is thicker than water?

I look away, embarrassed by my selfish whining (even if it was largely silent). This is exactly what we’d always hoped for. A deep sense of family connection that’s bigger than individual personalities or dramas or trivial likes and dislikes. It’s about building the foundation of where we come from and that of the future generations yet to be born. It’s about creating meaning and the kind of unconditional love you only get with those who share a shred of your DNA.

Somehow that has managed to happen in spite of the complaints. It has passed from our grandparents to our parents, and through us to our children. The way that makes me feel makes all the petty inconvenience and stress of  the journey worth it.

Who cares if we have to scream to be heard? Who cares if the older folk don’t really get it all the time?  Who cares if they occasionally criticize hairstyles and  clothes? They are the ones who understand our shared history.

The crankiness fades away. Totally.

I won’t even complain about packing up all the holiday gifts and trimmings to be shipped ahead. Sigh. I will revel in the generations of love and connection and gentle arguments that we can’t get anywhere else.

Dear Mamas,

Our newborn baby girl is 2 weeks old and we’ve been careful to always put her down on her back to sleep during the day and at night.  I know all about how important it is for babies to sleep on their backs to prevent SIDS.

I recently learned that a nephew who’s 3 ½ months old had to be fitted with a reshaping helmet because one side of his head was flattened from lying on his back all the time, and now I’m worried that the same thing will happen to my daughter. How big a danger is it and how can I prevent it?  Is avoiding a small risk of SIDS worth risking damage to our little girl’s head?

J in Chicago

 

Dear J,

Thank you for this question. It’s on the minds of new parents everywhere as we see more and more infants in that adorable headgear.

Before the American Academy of Pediatrics began recommending Back to Sleep, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) was the most common cause of death in infants under one year. Since then the number of cases has been cut in half. Great news!

But an unintended consequence of the Back to Sleep campaign has been a huge increase in the number of babies with flattening on one side of the head (technical name: flat head syndrome, or positional flattening). Infants now spend most of their time lying flat on their backs and tend to keep their heads turned to the same side. The more they do that during the first few months, the more likely they are to have one-sided flattening.

The skull bones are soft and movable to allow the head to pass through the birth canal. They have spaces in between to accommodate the rapid brain growth during the first year. When baby consistently lies in the same position, the bones can slide and mold, flattening on one side.

It’s important to note that any flattening is cosmetic only. It does not affect brain growth or development, and most cases re-mold without treatment as baby spends more time sitting upright. There are also strategies you can use to help prevent flat spots. A new report in Pediatrics recommends the following techniques:

~ Change your baby’s direction in the crib each week. This encourages him to turn his head to the other side.

~ Place an interesting toy or picture to the underused side when baby is awake to coax his attention in that direction.

~ Change sleep location periodically (crib to bassinet to infant/car seat) for a shift in the pressure spot.

~ Increase supervised tummy time when baby is awake. 30-60 minutes each day helps develop neck and shoulder muscles and enhances overall motor development.

~ Increase cuddle time. Let baby sleep against your body in a sling or infant carrier during the day when you’re up and about to reposition and take pressure off the head.  Note: Do not co-sleep due to asphyxiation risk.

 Repositioning should be the first line of correction, even if mild flattening has already occurred. It has been shown to be just as effective as molding helmets and is undoubtedly more comfortable for baby (imagine wearing the equivalent of a football helmet all day long). Surgery should only be considered in the most severe cases after all other remedies have failed.

So never fear, there are ways to keep your new baby safe (isn’t that the most important thing?) and keep her little head symmetrical at the same time. No need to choose one in favor of the other.

Congrats on your new addition …

~ the Mamas