The young couple who gave up their baby had chosen an independent adoption* and the mother-to-be had lived with the adopting couple for the last months of her pregnancy. Everyone got along well. The adopting mother took the birth mom to doctor’s appointments and made sure she was well cared for. It seemed like smooth sailing ahead. But then, two weeks after the birth, they were barely speaking and lawyers were circling in the background.

The adoptive parents asked for my help in an effort to calm things down and save the adoption. They were willing to pay the bills and approach the situation in whatever way I saw fit but they needed help NOW. They were afraid that the young couple would soon return to their home state and take the baby with them. **

As I began working on the case, it became clear what had gone wrong. Despite the best intentions of the adopting couple, they had failed to take into account just how delicate the situation was and how complicated the biological mother’s feelings were about her situation.

The young woman confided that she had not been prepared for the avalanche of emotions she felt when the baby was born. She and her boyfriend were very young college students who had accidentally gotten pregnant. They knew they couldn’t responsibly raise a child at that point in their lives but couldn’t face an abortion either. So they decided to go the adoption route. They had struggled hard in making this decision and even though she was happy to have found great adoptive parents for her baby, she was also grieving.

She was also unprepared for how things would proceed following the birth – for example, the baby was taken from her the minute she was born and placed in the arms of the other parents. Their loud screams of joy and excitement had hit her hard and watching them pop open bottles of champagne had turned her stomach and made her panic. She wasn’t happy or celebrating. She was devastated and didn’t understand why they didn’t know that.

She had never had the chance to examine her infant – the one she had carried and cared for for nine months and it was tearing at her heart. Now she was supposed to hop on a plane, go back to school and resume her life. But everything had changed. Her hormones were raging, tears were pouring from her eyes, milk was leaking from her breasts and she was terrified that she had made the wrong decision.

After several intense sessions, she regained her equilibrium and she and her boyfriend thoroughly reviewed the pros and cons of giving up their baby. They decided that they had, in fact, made the right decision but needed to do a few things before they could leave and not look back.

With the adoptive parent’s blessing, arrangements were made for the birth mom to have a couple hours alone in the house with the baby. In order to remember her baby clearly and say goodbye, she needed to hold her, rock her and play with her a little with no one else around.

She also needed to explain. So she prepared a scrap book for her baby with pictures of herself and her boyfriend, the hospital where she was born, and the house where she had lived while carrying her. She wrote a letter telling her child how much she loved her and how sorry she was that she had not been able to keep her. She also shared a little bit about her own life and family, where she had grown up, and how much she liked her adoptive parents. She left it up to the adoptive parents to choose when to give it to her. Finally, she came to a place of peace about letting her go. And she did.

If you plan to pursue an independent adoption (as the majority of adopting parents do these days), there are some important things to keep in mind as you go forward, besides the legal issues. Obviously each situation is unique and will have to be approached differently, depending on the specifics of the case.

First, remember that giving up a baby is no small thing to a woman, regardless of her reasons for doing so. She is bound to have very mixed feelings about it. Be sensitive to what she may going through. Yes, it is a joyous occasion for you, but she may be feeling very sad, conflicted or guilty.

Encourage her to take the time to process her feelings about the adoption with a counselor or therapist. She needs to have support from someone trained to understand the complexities of the situation who is not personally involved.

Seriously consider whether it is wise for you to be present at the birth. It is vital for you to have an open and honest conversation with the birth mother about her comfort level with this. Without a doubt, it is truly a gift to see your child enter the world, but giving birth is a highly charged emotional experience. She needs to be comfortable with the idea of you being there.

If you and your spouse do attend the birth, keep a low profile. Make sure that the focus is on her and what she needs. Do your best to keep the mood as respectful and serene as possible. Give her the recognition she deserves for laboring hard to deliver your/her baby.

When the baby arrives, be patient and take a back seat. You have a lifetime with this child to look forward to, she may have but a few minutes or hours. Give her some space and a little time with the baby, if she wants it. It doesn’t have to be a long period of time, it just has to be enough.

Obviously express your joy and gratitude, but save the cake and champagne for a private celebration later, at home. Even though you may be walking on air, she is bound to feel depleted, exhausted and possibly depressed about losing her child. Loud whoops of joy and grabbing for the baby may make her feel marginalized and disposable. It may also increase feelings of anxiety and ambivalence about losing her child.

Before she says goodbye, the birth mother’s place in the life of this child needs to be acknowledged. There are many ways to do this. One way is to ask her to put together a scrap book, as this couple did. Also, make sure to express your profound gratitude for bringing your child into the world through spoken or written words.

One more thing to agree upon before the birth is how much contact the birth mother will have with the baby as he grows. Some couples agree to send her a picture of the child each year while others say goodbye for good once the baby is born.

Whatever you decide, just remember that there are two sides to the issue of adoption. Try your best to be sensitive and aware. It can be tricky territory to navigate and it’s important to realize that even if you do everything right, it can still fall apart at the last minute. Even so, for most couples who go down this road, the joy of bringing home a baby of their own outweighs the risks.

* as opposed to an agency adoption in which the birth parents give up their rights to their child to the agency, which in turn relinquishes its rights to the child to an adopting couple.

**  At that time in the state of California, the birth mother had six weeks in which to change her mind. As of Jan. 1, 2002 the law was changed to allow the birth mother 30 days to reconsider, after which the relinquishment becomes irrevocable. Remember that adoption law varies from state to state.

Dear Mamas,

I have been invited to a baby shower (another one!) and I need help in knowing what to do. The hostess wants us all to chip in to buy a $900.00 stroller for our friend who is having twins. This is so embarrassing because I really cannot afford to contribute as much as everyone else. My husband was laid off his job 4 months ago and I am only working part time. Anyway, we have worked hard to keep things as normal as possible but the financial pressure has been hard on our family.

But what can I say? I don’t want to be the only one not in on the gift but I really don’t have that kind of money right now. Any suggestions?

Beth

Dear Beth,
I totally get how contributing to all those baby showers/wedding showers/school fundraisers/neighbor’s-kids-girl-scout-cookie-sales etc. can break the bank, especially if funds are tight. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve all been in that boat. The thing is, when people ask for a donation they often forget that their request is but one of many and that we can’t contribute what we would like to all the time.

In this case, I think the best strategy is to contact the person throwing the shower directly and be candid with her. Tell her that although you would love to be a part of the gift, you can’t afford the amount that is being asked for right now. Let her know what amount would be comfortable for you and find out if there are other ways you could contribute in lieu of giving the full amount. Maybe she needs help with some of the hosting responsibilities like shopping, setting up, preparing food, cleanup or even picking up and wrapping the gift.

Or, you could offer to buy something within your budget that could go with the stroller, like a nice diaper bag or some cute sun hats and sun glasses. If that doesn’t fly, then just bring the gift you want to give and a lovely note to go along with it and leave it at that. I’m sure your friend will appreciate whatever you give her as long as it’s given with love.

Thanks for this question, Beth. It’s a good reminder to us all to be sensitive to the fact that people’s budgets are not all the same. And whenever we are doing the organizing we need to remember to qualify our financial requests with a statement indicating that although such-and-such an amount is being asked for, people should please give what they can by the date needed.

It’s easy to imagine how a child might have a less-than-enthusiastic attitude about moving. After all, it’s not exactly a piece of cake to walk into a new school and neighborhood and have to start all over trying to figure out how to fit in, who the nice kids are, what the academic expectations are, how to dress, what to say and what to do.

Then there is the whole slew of worries that might crop up as well: What if I get bullied? What if I can’t make any new friends? What if I hate it there? What if I never get to see my old friends again?

And that’s not even counting how hard it is to give up a home, friends, family and neighborhood that you love. Especially when you have absolutely no say in the matter. If the move is happening due to financial or family problems, it can be even tougher. If Mom and Dad are stressed and upset themselves, they may not recognize how hard their children are struggling. As a result, the kids may not get the emotional support they need to make such a big change. They may be hesitant about expressing their own fears and worries because they don’t want to upset Mom and Dad even more.

But life is ever changing and people do move all the time. We’ve done it several times and I’m here to tell you it can be done successfully. But you must pay attention and be sensitive to what your child may be going through. Here are some tips on how you can smooth the process:

BEFORE THE MOVE:

Explain why you are moving. Help them get on board by making sure they understand that there is an important reason (job relocation, keeping the family together, etc.) why you are asking them to give up so much. Take plenty of time to talk about this and let them ask any questions they may have.

If at all possible, plan for the move to happen during natural transition times like the end of the school year or the end of middle school or elementary school.

Gather together some books, articles and pictures about the town you will be moving to. Try to get the kids involved in researching local parks, clubs, and things to do in their new home town.

Take the lead in finding out about the good or special things about the new place and the new school and don’t be shy about talking about them. If your child is into drama, find out about children’s theater groups in the area; if he likes skateboarding, find a skateboard park.

If you have pets, think carefully about your plans to take them along. If at all possible, bring them. They are important members of your family and can help enormously to ease the transition for your kids. Having to lose them, too, may just feel like too, too much to handle. If you simply cannot take them, make sure you involve your child in finding a new, GOOD home for them.

Make a picture album of your old house, neighborhood, park, friends, etc. for them to look at later on. Even though it may bring a tear or two, it will be an important keepsake for them and long-term will help them process the changes.

Make a similar album for the new place and keep adding pictures of new friends, family outings and special places.

DURING AND AFTER THE MOVE:

Do whatever you can to make the process as easy for them (and you) as possible. Even under the very best of circumstances, moving is stressful and tough on everyone, especially children. Enlist friends and family to take the kids to the park or a movie so you can have time to sort and organize your belongings alone. If they are older, have them help for sure, but don’t expect them to be able to keep at it for hours at a time. Get as much help as possible with packing and moving!

Allow your children to express all their feelings about what’s happening without trying to shut them off with well-intentioned but not helpful words like, “NO! It’s going to be great! You’re going to love it!” They may have many worries and fears about moving to a new school and neighborhood and losing important relationships and need to express them. The idea of moving may be very scary for them. And hard. They may feel powerless and angry about having to give up so much. Even if the move is to a “better house, job or neighborhood,” chances are your child would rather stay exactly where she is. Understand and respect that.

On the day that you move in to the new place, set up the kids’ rooms first. Deal with the other rooms tomorrow. Try to make sure they can sleep in their own beds with their own linens that first night. Or, set up everyone together in one room for a family sleepover to ease fears and anxieties about being in a new place.

Take time off from unpacking to explore and do some fun family things. Meet the neighbors, go out to eat, check out the mall and the park.

Involve them in making your new house a home. Ask for their advice on the placement of old, familiar pictures and furniture. Give them kudos for their good advice, even if you decide to go with a different idea. Make sure they have a role.

Research has suggested that moves tend to be harder on kids who are more introverted, so if that’s your gal, give her extra attention and support for as long as it takes.

Make arrangements for a visit back to your old town within 6 months if possible and plan some visits from friends and relatives to your new place, too. There is great relief in seeing old, familiar faces, and knowing visitors are coming will give everyone something to look forward to.

If you are able to move before school starts, visit the campus a few times with your child before classes begin. See if you can get inside for a tour. And give her a chance to play on the play equipment before school starts so she will feel more familiar with the place.

If you have an older child, find out when try-outs for school sports will happen and make sure you will be there on time. This is a good way to get him into a like-minded group of kids right off the bat.

Approach the new teacher before school starts and explain your concerns. When we moved to New York from California I went to my son’s third grade teacher and half-kiddingly told her that I didn’t care if he learned anything that year, I just wanted her to be really, really nice to him! See if she will help by arranging for a “buddy” to show your child the ropes during his first week at school.

Understand that it may take a long time (months) for your child to make the adjustment, so be patient with him. As the Chinese proverb says: “Don’t push the river. It flows by itself.” In other words, the adjustment will take as much time as it takes. You can’t hurry it, but you can support it by being patient, kind and understanding. My eldest son, then 15 when we moved to New York, dealt with the transition by keeping his clock set to California time for about a month after we arrived. We didn’t say anything about it, just noticed. Then one day, he was officially on New York time and we were able to exhale.

Once you’re settled in, take advantage of Skype and the unlimited cell phone minutes on your plan to help your child stay in touch with old friends and relatives. It will be fun for him to walk around the house, computer in hand, and show off his new room, backyard, etc.

You can also help your child to stay connected by occasionally letting him play video games like checkers online with his old buddies (with your supervision of course).

Most kids will struggle for a while with feelings of sadness or anxiety. They may have trouble sleeping and they may be crabby and irritable. This is normal and to be expected. But make sure that you watch for signs of depression, too. These can include a more extreme version of sadness and crying; sleeplessness or chronic sleepiness; moping around and not wanting to do anything; or being hyperactive. It can also show up as inattentiveness or acting-out by hitting, yelling, stubbornness or over-the-top defiance. If you see these behaviors in your child, don’t hesitate to consult with your pediatrician and get some additional help, the sooner the better.

But don’t dwell on that! There is no reason why your move can’t be a great one. Take it easy and remember that there are new friends waiting for you in your new town and before long, you won’t be able to imagine how you ever got along without them. Same goes for your kids. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Dear Mamas,

My friends and I have been arguing like crazy over the idea of pre-chewing your baby’s food. We all saw that Alicia Silverstone video where she demonstrates it and I think it’s disgusting! But my friends (one in particular) say that it has some good benefits. What are they? And do you agree that it’s good or bad?

NOT Alicia

Dear Reader,
Wow. After being involved in the world of parenting for 30 years, I thought I had heard it all. Apparently not. With all due respect to Ms. Silverstone, I cannot imagine who, in their right mind, would feel compelled to pre-chew food and then spit it in their baby’s mouth. Yes, birds do that.

But, hello …. we are not birds. We are mammals, primates to be exact, and our babies drink milk until they are able to digest soft foods ON THEIR OWN at about 6 months of age. Baby birds, of course, do not suckle at the breast and so are dependent on foods that have been pulverized and made ready for them by their bird mommies.

Back in the day when we were hunter/gatherers, it was most likely a handy thing to do. There was no such thing as iron-fortified cereal, grocery stores, cuisinarts or prepackaged baby food to supplement the breast milk once baby was ready for more but didn’t yet have a good set of choppers. Those days are over now and unless you live in a country where baby food is not a possibility, I just don’t get it.

It’s true that there are many ways to parent a child. But birding is just weird to me. Sorry to all those who might disagree. All sorts of stuff (viruses, bacteria) can be transmitted to baby from Mommy’s saliva. And why would you want to set that experience up as an expectation? At what age does Mommy suddenly say, “Dude, chew it yourself!” Is the little guy going to be salivating, staring and waiting for a treat every time Mommy pops something in her mouth? This idea smacks of unhealthy issues with boundaries, independence and general grossness to me.

Sorry to your friends but I’m with you on this one.

Whenever Junior starts to fuss, whether in the check-out line at the grocery store or sitting on mommy’s lap while she chats with a friend at the local coffee shop, those keys are likely to fly out of her purse and get handed over to him a.s.a.p. And it’s a good bet that they will keep him occupied and happy — for a while, anyway.

But parents, beware! Those keys are not as innocuous as they look and here’s why: most household keys are made of brass, an alloy which contains lead. And lead, in case you didn’t know, is a powerful neurotoxin, which is a poisonous chemical that affects the nervous system.

A study of brass keys by California’s Attorney General demonstrated that some of them left up to 80 times the current California standard of lead per day on the hands (and eventually in the mouths) of babies. Not good.

Lead poisoning is the number one most preventable disease in children. So, new rule for the caring mom (and dad): Keep those keys in your purse or pocket and resist the urge to use them as a pacifier. Stick to the toy variety. It’s an easy way to limit your child’s exposure to lead right from the start.

So when my six-year-old came home from her first Indian Princess meeting with a kit for making a vest, you can imagine the terror that filled my heart. Indian Princesses is a Native American inspired daddy/daughter program and in their world, that vest is a big deal. When I signed her up, I had no idea that I would be responsible for delivering this item of such importance.

I looked at the box in horror and thought, Oh geez … this could get really ugly. Then I put it aside for days, and tried to convince myself that I could throw that vest together in a matter of minutes. No big deal, I would just do it “later.”

My “later” strategy worked pretty well right up to the day when she had to wear the blasted thing. That night, she was expected to announce the Native American names she had picked out for herself and her daddy. That’s right, Little Rose and Big Thorn (!) would be making their debut, along with the vest.

So I took a deep breath and finally opened the box that held the project. OH! I thought. Not so bad! All I have to do is iron on these patches and then stitch the sides together. Wow! Piece of cake! Dodged another bullet.

I started ironing, feeling pretty great, until I became aware of that distinctive “something’s burning” smell. Somehow, I had managed to put a big dark burn spot, front and center, on that cheap, buckskin sucker. No idea how I did it, but there it was. Since these kits had been ordered long ago from some far-away place, I couldn’t just run out and pick up another one.

At that point, I had to weigh my options – feign a case of appendicitis and pretend to need hospitalization for a couple days or suck it up and call a friend who did have the craft gene and ask for help. I chose the latter, thinking my husband would probably rat me out to my daughter within a few hours if I went with option A.

So I called my friend Pam and explained the disaster. “Oh,” she said. “Just make it Pinto!” Brilliant! Next she told me to go to the craft store and pick up some brown and black paint, a few brightly colored beads and a few feathers. “We’ll make a real Native American-y kind of vest and the spots will look deliberate.”

So that’s what I did. With Pam’s guidance, I painted on more spots and attached the beads and feathers to the sides and it turned out great. Then I had to see if my daughter would fall for the “I just wanted to make it really special” speech I had been working on. Luckily, she did. She absolutely loved her vest, and so did all of the other Indian Princesses. Many of them came to the next meeting with feathers and beads on theirs, too.

What I learned that day is that if you can’t sew a stitch, bake mouthwatering cookies or cobble a costume together, you can take heart. You don’t have to flip out when these scary kid-generated projects come your way. You needn’t farm them out or let them turn you into the pathetic kid whose dioramas always fall apart on the way to school. You can get by with a little help from your friends.

Nobody can do it all, and the sooner you make peace with that, the better off you’ll be. Why not think of life like a pot luck dinner rather than a solo performance? Everyone in this world (including you) has something wonderful to offer and each one’s offering contributes to the overall success of the party. What’s the point of having a fabulous entre if there are no plates or utensils to eat it with?

So figure out, early on, what you uniquely have to bring to the party and then be generous about sharing it with friends who might be lacking in that area. Maybe you’re the tech wizard or the baby whisperer. Maybe you’re a great book fair organizer or an outstanding soccer coach. Maybe you’re the one who is genius at planning a birthday party. Maybe you always know just what to say to a sorely disappointed child. You’ve got something terrific to offer, so make sure you pass it around when you get a chance to share.

And don’t be shy about asking for help, either. The best friendships are the ones in which there is a healthy reciprocity. If you take this approach, everyone will get their moment to shine, you’ll forge strong bonds with your friends and you’ll end up with a treasure trove of funny stories to look back on, too.

Many years later, Pam and I still get a good laugh out of the Indian Princess Pinto story…

Dear Mamas,

My two year old daughter has recently begun to bite … me! I was so shocked the first time she did it that I just jumped up and started to laugh. I was pretty floored. I know I shouldn’t have laughed but what is the right approach to turn it around? I don’t want her to make this a habit!

Thanks,

Marcia

Hey Marcia,
I can understand your concern! Luckily, it sounds like this is a new behavior that hasn’t spread outside the household so it should be pretty easy to turn around if you get right on it. Here’s what you do: next time she attempts to take a bite out of you, IMMEDIATELY get in her face and give her a very stern look. Lock eyes with her and in a very serious, angry tone of voice say, “NO! We do not bite. That hurts Mommy!” Do not yell, or spank, or do anything that could be construed as physically threatening but get your point across.

If she actually bites you before you can stop it, follow the same routine but add, “That really hurt Mommy. I don’t like that!” and put ice on it while muttering “ouuwwwww”. If she wants to give the bite a kiss, by all means let her and definitely accept a sincere apology. But do not give her a lot of attention in the minutes following “the attack.” You don’t want to reward the behavior with attention – good or bad — but don’t drag it out either. A 5 minute freeze-out is plenty long for a two-year-old.

After things calm down, explain that when she is mad or upset she has to use her words to talk about it. Help her understand that you are not upset with her because she was angry but because she bit you. Let her know loud and clear that she may not use her body to hurt people and next time, she will get a time out.

Then make sure you stick to the plan and don’t waffle or change the way you react from one time to the next. If you are consistent, she will get the message. And the first time she says she’s mad (versus lets you know with a bite), tell her how proud you are that she was able to use her words and not her body to express her feelings.

Good luck!!

One particular strain of this “disease” shows up in the parent who becomes, what I call, a “Super Agent.” There is a dark side to this style and it’s best to make sure you don’t catch it.

The motives of the Super Agent are initially no different from anyone else’s. After all, parents have wanted the best for their children since the beginning of time. Nothing wrong with that. But bad things happen when this normal human desire for their children’s happiness turns into an unquenchable, obsessive urge to create the perfect child — the one who does it all and does it all exceptionally well. And if the child can’t, the parent will.

We’ve all seen it: the dad screaming at the coach on the sidelines of the soccer field, the mother bragging about her daughter’s (parent-assisted) college essay, the surprising museum level quality of the 4^th grader’s diorama. Who can blame them, right? Who doesn’t want their child to be everything he or she can be—the straight-A student, the captain of the football team, the first one invited to the prom? But, when the parent’s role changes from loving supporter to crazed super agent, it gets ugly and damage is done.

Just ask Corey Gahan, the one-time world-class rollerblader whose dad started shooting him up with steroids and human growth hormone when he was only 12. Although Corey was one of the best skaters in the world his father wanted more. So Jim Gahan moved his son from Michigan to Florida to train year-round with a famous coach and had Corey home-schooled so that practice time would not compete with school hours. Eventually, Corey became quite ill and blood tests revealed that he had 20 times the normal testosterone levels of a grown man in his system. His dad had been shooting him up for years in order to make him “more competitive.” Corey was banned from competing in his sport for two years after testing positive for illegal drugs. And his dad was convicted of providing steroids to his son and sent to prison.

Super Agent Parents work hard to give their child the edge from the start. At birth their children’s names are placed on the waiting lists of the best pre-schools in town. Baby Einstein tapes and other forms of “edutainment” follow soon after and from there on out the child is thrown into a dizzying array of activities like gymnastics, piano, soccer, flute, T-Ball and Japanese. Although one or two of these can be fun for a child, when the schedule is packed with five or six every week, the child suffers. Pediatricians and pre-school teachers alike are full of tales of exhausted, over-scheduled children who don’t know how to deal with unstructured play time and who are not developing the abilities to wonder and imagine.

As their kids approach elementary school and beyond, Super Agent Parents focus intensely on their child’s popularity or success in the classroom, on the stage, or on the field. And when their child does not make the team, get the lead role, ace the test or get invited to the party, the parents take it personally. They angrily confront the teacher about the grade or complain to other parents about the missing invitation or retaliate by having another party and excluding the kid who snubbed their child.

A few years ago, a story in the Baltimore Sun reported that teachers are leaving the field in droves because of parents who threaten and bully them over their children’s grades. Parental harassment got so bad in one school district that they were forced to implement a “civility policy” aimed at getting these over-demanding, rude parents to back off.

Unfortunately, when parents take over like this children do not learn how to deal with the consequences of not studying hard enough, or how to accept the fact that no one gets to be great at everything, or how to step back and let others shine, or how to deal with hurt feelings and move on from there. They do not get the opportunity to learn how to take responsibility for their actions and may walk away with the notion that mom or dad will always be there to clean up their mess or solve their problem.

The child also gets the loud but unspoken message that no matter how hard they may have tried, in the case of a low grade or small part or a cut from the team, it just wasn’t good enough. For a kid whose identity is still forming that often translates into “he or she” isn’t good enough. The child may begin to believe that in the absence of non-stop stellar grades or soaring popularity that he is sub-standard, disappointing and unworthy of his parent’s love.

For parents, the opportunity to teach their children the importance of trying their best and taking pride in the effort is lost. These experiences, although painful, can help kids learn what it means to be a friend, a neighbor, or a citizen and give parents the perfect chance to talk about perseverance, loyalty, being a “class-act,” the dangers of gossip and cliques, and how to get up and go on when things go wrong.

Since growing up does not happen in a straight line, kids are bound to make lots of wrong turns along the way. Mistakes, bad choices, getting caught and being in trouble are all a normal part of growing up. They are usually relatively harmless if someone is there to catch you and then give you the lecture, the sympathy, or the punishment. But if you never get the chance to make a mistake or step out of line, or if no one takes the time to call you out when you need it, the chances for more serious acting out later in life, when the consequences are far more serious, increase significantly.

The controlling, “step-back-while-I-show-you-how-it’s-done” parental attitude will eventually backfire once the child gets old enough to rebel or refuse. And because more time was spent pushing him to excel rather than on getting to know him, the parent is often at a loss as to how to reach this child once he really starts to push back. Then when the child gets too obnoxious or too insistent, the parent may simply give up and give in.

Many of these kids lose trust in adults and feel they have no one to turn to for advice and support. A recent survey showed that the people children most want to spend time with are their parents. They have a deep need to have one-on-one time with their mom or dad. They want to be heard, questioned, listened to, and talked to by their parents and to gain the perspective that comes with age and experience. They need to sound out their ideas, hopes and dreams with someone they trust who loves them unconditionally and is on their side.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of lonely kids out there who rarely have frequent, relaxed, unscheduled time with mom or dad. Success at all costs bears a steep price. While on the one hand we have an enormous number of Ivy League applications going out, we also have a teen suicide rate that has tripled over the past two decades.

We’re at risk of raising a generation of kids who haven’t learned how to really struggle on their own to achieve something of value, how to fight fair, how to win with grace or lose with dignity, how to tolerate rejection or loneliness, how to daydream and imagine, or how to resolve a problem with a friend face to face.

Scary, sad, and not the way to go. Parents beware.

Hey there mamas,

I’ve got a son who’s almost eighteen months and I want to know when I should take him to the dentist. Also, what will the dentist do? I don’t want the experience to be traumatic. I’m scared of the dentist myself and don’t want him to be.

Thank you, Olivia

Great question, Olivia. And, by the way, I share your fear of dentists. When I was a child, mine didn’t believe in anesthesia (God knows why). The water in those days wasn’t flouridated; they didn’t have sealants; and I was a kid prone to cavities. As a result, I ended up with lots of fillings and lots of anxiety about the whole thing.

But enough about me! The point is, some dentists treat kids no differently than adults, but they ARE different. That’s why I would suggest you search out a pediatric dentist in your neighborhood before you make that first appointment.

They are the pediatricians of dentistry and complete two to three years of specialty training in children’s dentistry beyond the regular four years of dental school. Typically, they limit their practice to infants, children, and adolescents (including young people with special needs) but some rare and wonderful ones will see the whole family.

Dr. Barbara Lynch, D.D.S., recommends that parents bring their child in for his or her first visit no later than age three, although some dentists recommend it by the first birthday. The purpose of the first visit is really to give the child an introduction to the office and equipment and, of course, to meet the dentist and begin to establish a relationship.

The dentist may also use this time to talk about how to prevent cavities and go over teeth-cleaning methods with you.

Typically Dr. Lynch will talk to the child about what she does, let him take a ride in the chair, examine himself in the mirror, sip some water and spit it out into the swirling bowl, and look at and hold some of her tools.

If the child is relaxed and up for it, the dentist might count his teeth or do a very short, cursory exam. But mostly, the first visit with a pediatric dentist is intended to introduce him to the office and the dentist in a friendly, non-threatening way. Stickers or a toothbrush are often offered as a reward for coming.

So I would recommend that you get on the ball now and start looking for a good pediatric dentist in your area. Then go ahead and schedule the visit anytime before he hits three.

In the meantime, keep up a good dental routine with your son. Use a soft, infant toothbrush with a tiny bit of flouridated toothpaste and gently brush his teeth each morning and night.

In general, the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry suggests that parents should start gently cleaning their child’s gums from birth on by wiping them with a wet washcloth after each feeding.

And remember, no putting Junior to bed with a bottle! It may make things easier short-term but it can create cavities even in teeth that haven’t erupted yet.

Bedtime rituals and routines really do help a LOT and I’ve got one of my own to share. I started using it when my kids were tiny and it not only works, it builds their imaginations and teaches them how to tune in to messages from their subconscious, too. The trick is to show them how to plan and remember their dreams. It’s a great game and one that I’ll bet they come to love as much as mine did (and do).

Why we dream has long been a subject for debate. Most people believe that we can use dreams to work through issues we are struggling with or to make sense out of something upsetting that has happened.

Early in my second pregnancy, for example, I was very worried about having a miscarriage. One night I went to sleep and began dreaming that I was spotting. I was taken to a hospital, put on a gurney and wheeled in to an operating room. The doctor examined me and said, “She’s having a miscarriage.”  I panicked and was overcome by this incredible feeling of horror. But then I realized I was dreaming. At that point I sat up and said to the doctor, “No. That’s wrong. This is my dream and I’m in charge and I am NOT having a miscarriage.” I got off the operating table and walked away. Then I woke up feeling incredibly empowered. After that, my fears about miscarriage were gone.

With a little work we can train ourselves to remember our dreams and even influence what we dream about. Since most people spend around two hours each night dreaming, it’s worth a try. When I was growing up, my mom would ask us kids what we had dreamed about as we sat around the breakfast table. Since we were fresh from sleep our dreams were often still clear and we would discuss them in detail. We would laugh about the silly or scary situations we had encountered and it did a lot to stimulate our imaginations and story-telling abilities.

I loved this morning ritual, so I continued it with my own kids but went a step further and created a game called “Going to Dreamland” that was played at bedtime.

Here’s how it worked: sometime after dinner I would start asking where they wanted “to go” that night. They knew I meant once they had gone to bed and fallen asleep. I explained that they could do or be anything they wanted in Dreamland. Nothing was off limits and I encouraged them to come up with a rich and detailed story about what they wanted to experience that night as they slept.

Because little children often hate the separation from their parents that comes with saying goodnight, I would tell them that I would meet them in their dreams once they were sound asleep. When the details of where we were going had been ironed out, they were happy and excited to get to sleep so they could go off on their adventure.

Around Christmastime they would often choose to visit Santa at the North Pole and help the elves make toys. My daughter loved dolphins and imagined one who could swim, fly and speak a private language that only she knew. She could ride him as he flew high in the clouds or deep in the sea because she could breathe underwater. I would help her think about things they could do and places around the world they could visit. Sometimes she wanted me to come along and other times she wanted to go all by herself with her sea creature friend.

I approached the game of Dreamland with a lot of enthusiasm and a twinkle in my eye. It was easy for me to help them weave a wonderful, imaginative plan for the night and to get excited with them – because after all, anything can happen when you’re dreaming!

The next morning we would talk about their dreams and they, too would fill the room with funny stories and outrageous adventures. I’m sure that they stretched the truth regularly but to me that was a valuable part of the experience. It was about conjuring possibilities and these early morning discussions did much to build their imagination muscles.

My children all loved this game and to this day they love to go to sleep and to talk about their dreams. No insomniacs at this house! So I want to encourage you to give the game a try. Dreamland is free, always open, and they can go there every night. How could they possibly resist?

Oh, and added bonus? It will make saying goodnight a lot more fun, too.