Dear Ellen,

I am a white woman married to a Filipino man. Our daughter is two-years-old and adorable and my husband and I love her like crazy. The problem is that she looks very Asian and I am often asked by other parents if a.) she is mine b.) I am baby sitting or c.) she is adopted. It makes me so mad because I gave birth to her after 9 months of pregnancy! It’s hurtful to me that they assume she isn’t mine.

And even if I had adopted her it would be so upsetting to have strangers ask me if I was the mom. It’s none of their business and anyway, your child is your child no matter how she got to you. Plus, I know she hears these questions, too and I can’t believe that people don’t seem to realize that. It’s as if she wasn’t even there!

My question is what is the best way to handle this and what do I tell her if/when she asks why they don’t think I’m her mother?

Thanks, Kate

Hi Kate,

Wow. People can certainly be dense and clueless sometimes, can’t they? For some unknown reason some folks think they have the right to ask questions or make comments about incredibly personal subjects even when they hardly know the person they are talking to. When it comes to asking questions about kids many people just go for it without giving a lot of thought to how the question might feel to the one who’s being asked. Sad but true.

But you can handle it. You know who you are and who your daughter is. You are her mom regardless of your physical similarities or biological relationship, for that matter. Feel secure with that knowledge. And you may as well get used to the annoyance because you will probably continue to get questions like this for years to come.

But it wouldn’t hurt to have a few snappy comebacks up your sleeve either. So the next time someone asks whether you are baby sitting say, “No way! Who has the time? Since I had my daughter I haven’t had time to do ANYTHING!” That should give them pause. And if they ask “Is she yours?” You can say, “Last time I checked” or “Yeah and I’ve got the stretch marks to prove it, too.” In response to the “Is she adopted?” question try saying, “No, she was home grown” and leave it at that.

If you FEEL like giving a more complete or sincere answer that’s great but don’t think you owe them a long explanation. You don’t. I mean, you wouldn’t ask them whether their child came from a sperm doner would you?

One way to circumvent this from happening when you are meeting new friends or professionals for the first time is to simply take the lead and say, “Hi. I’m Kate and this is my daughter, Claire” before they have a chance to put their foot in their mouth. Then change the subject and hope for the best.

As far as your daughter’s feelings and questions go, be matter of fact. If she asks you why people always ask whether you are her mom just tell her that she looks a little more like her dad until people notice her smile or her laugh or her pretty little ears which look exactly like yours. As she gets older it will become clear to people that she is yours based on how she talks to you and how the two of you act together. Plus, people are less bold about the questions they ask once they know that a child is old enough to understand everything they are saying.

The best thing to do is try not to let these remarks get to you. Most of them are based on nothing more sinister than curiosity even though they come across as insensitive and rude. So take the high road and enjoy every moment with your wonderful new family.

If you have a child between the ages of 6 months and 6 years you’ve probably been there. Nightmares, or scary dreams, can begin at any point within that time period but are most common between 3 and 6. This is because normal fears begin to develop then and the imaginations of kids in this age group are extremely active.

Most of the time the nightmares come and go without causing much of a problem. They typically involve frightening or unpleasant themes that involve a loss of control or the threat of being hurt. And they are usually associated with a particular stage of development. Toddlers, for example, might dream about being separated from mom or dad while a preschooler might dream about a scary monster.

They are one of the ways that children cope with changes that are going on in their lives. A move to a new neighborhood, the loss or illness of an important person, starting school or having to deal with the stress of their parent’s divorce or separation can all trigger nightmares. Seeing or hearing a scary story, movie, or television show can be quite upsetting to a child and can end up creating one, too. Children are very sensitive to the frightening images and upsetting story lines on many the shows on today.

Sometimes they are caused by fevers or a reaction to a medication. Being overtired, having an irregular sleep schedule or a high degree of stress in the home can also cause nightmares. And they can run in families — about 7% of kids who suffer from nightmares have a sibling or parent with a history as well.

As children get older, gain some mastery over their fears and begin to feel that they have more control in their lives, nightmares happen much less frequently.

But some children, perhaps up to 50% of them, have nightmares that disrupt their sleep and the sleep of their parents in a significant way and cause problems that impact their lives. For them the nightmares occur more often or on a regular basis. These kids are sometimes too tired to function the next day and may suffer from an inability to concentrate or do their schoolwork. They may even be afraid to go to sleep. These children may need professional help in order to overcome their sleep problem.

But the average, everyday, garden-variety type of nightmare is something that you can definitely handle yourself. In fact, there is a lot you can do to help your child get through the immediate ordeal and work towards mastering the fear. And even better, there are definite steps you can take to keep them from happening in the first place.

In general:

• Make sure that you give your child a chance to decompress and quiet down before he goes to bed. Establish a sleep routine that you always follow and that he can count on. When things proceed according to a set plan each night his body will be cued to begin to relax automatically as the routine begins. So figure out what works for you and your family and stick to it. It could be as simple as: bath; P.J.’s; bottle or nursing; saying goodnight to other family members; story or book; pulling down shades; getting tucked in with the same favorite blanket or stuffed animal; kiss and a hug; lights out.
• Set a calm and pleasant tone for bedtime. Talk about fun or happy things before saying goodnight.
• Talk about “Dreamland” together in advance.
• Keep up with what’s going on in her life and take time to discuss issues each day as they occur. If something went wrong at school or with a playmate help her problem-solve ways she could have handled things differently or make it better tomorrow. If it’s beyond her ability to deal with on her own, let her know that you will take care of it or help her to solve it.
• When big changes are coming up or going on talk about them in a reassuring way. Let him know that you will make sure that he will be fine and that you will help him to get through the challenge.
• Reduce the stress level in your household: don’t habitually fight or argue with your spouse in front of her; don’t discuss frightening or stressful things like health issues, financial problems or marital difficulties with her or in her presence.
• Create structure in his day — have a regular schedule for meals, play, school and bedtime.
• Make sure your children don’t watch television shows or movies with violent or frightening themes.

When a nightmare comes:

• Comfort and reassure him that he is okay and that it was just a dream. Let him tell you about it. Say you’re sorry that he got scared and explain that the dream cannot hurt him.
• Don’t tell him he is being silly or a baby. Validate the emotion without exaggerating or dramatizing it.
• Help him shift gears before going back to sleep by reminding him about something fun or good that is coming up.
• Don’t spend the next 20 minute opening all the doors and looking under the bed to prove that there isn’t a monster.
• Leave the bedroom door open and remind him that you are close and can hear him.
• Don’t bring him into your bed. This is likely to set up an expectation that whenever he has a bad dream it’s off to your room. Let him have the opportunity to see that he can handle this on his own.

The next day:

• If she is still bothered by the dream, let her talk about it with you in detail. Let her know that you think it is very interesting and shows what a great imagination she has!
• Then, play a game in which the two of you come up with a different ending where she is victorious or finds a strong ally or pulls out her magic wand and zaps the monster into a tiny frog or whatever works to bring a smile and a sense of mastery and relief. Don’t focus on violent resolutions but encourage the use of creative solutions instead. Have her imagine or visualize the new and improved dream.
• If she likes to do art projects, give her some paper and encourage her to draw a picture and explain it to you. Alternately she can recreate the dream with dolls or toys and talk about what happened that way.
• When nighttime comes, if she is fearful about the dream coming back reassure her but also remind her about the great new ending she created. Plant the idea that she can change it up since it is HER dream and she is the boss.

If he has frequent nightmares or a recurring one:

• Follow instructions above AND …
• Keep a log of what happened the day of the dream: note any issues or problems that came up; note any problems at home, day care, school etc.; note the use of any medications; note any changes or stressful events going on.

When to get help:

• If the nightmares get worse or persist.
• If the content is always violent or really disturbing.
• If nothing seems to change in the dream despite efforts to talk about it or work it out through play, art or rescripting.
• If they interfere with his ability to function during the day.
• If he is taking any medication or has a health issue that could be contributing.
• If your gut tells you something else might be going on.

So I am going to keep it short and sweet this week and simply draw your attention to an article from Health Magazine about the low-down tricks that many food and beverage companies across the country are attempting to play on you and yours.

It turns out that they spend well over a billion dollars each year just trying to get your kid’s attention. That’s right — over a billion bucks! Their plan is to grab the attention of the most innocent people on the planet, snag them in their trap and then get them to harass you into buying their pure sugar/high fat/no nutritional value what-so-ever products.

And guess what? It’s working. But how do they do it? Simple. They buy licensing rights to the images of popular television and movie characters and then get someone in their advertising department to come up with a cute picture of whatever character is hot at the moment. Then they smack that picture on the front of their pure sugar/high fat/no nutritional value what-so-ever products and let nature take it’s course.

Fast forward to 5 P.M on a crazy weeknight when you are scrambling around the market with little ones in tow, desperate to pick up a few things you can put together for dinner before you head out to that P.T.A. meeting at 7.

Suddenly your little darling notices his hero Shrek plastered across the front of a box of Hostess Twinkies With Green Ogre Filling. Who knew Shrek made Twinkies? And with green ogre filling, no less? Since the boxes are typically placed kid height on the shelves in order to catch the eyes of the small-fry set, your little monster is sure to spot them right away. No coincidence there.

Oh, and since each Twinkie “treat”  contains a whopping 5 grams of fat, 19 grams of sugar and 145 calories, that special ogre filling may have your child looking like Shrek in no time flat. I wonder if they get childhood diabetes in The Kingdom of Far Far Away?

Next thing you know they have the Shrek Twinkies, Darth Vader Pop Tarts, Hulk Oreos or Spiderman Pringles clutched tightly in their hot little hands and won’t let go. A battle ensues. You fight hard but you’re tired and they promise to be good and helpful and quiet if they can just have THESE. Your kid wins. The junk comes home and gets consumed quick as you can say Sponge Bob Square Pants. And now they’re hooked. Mission accomplished.

This obnoxious ploy is carried out deliberately with a great deal of planning and forethought by these food and beverage giants. The characters look so friendly and fun and innocent that it’s hard to imagine that what’s in the box could be so bad for your child’s health. But don’t forget that looks can be deceiving and you can’t judge a book by its cover. Those old cliches were created for a reason. There is truth to them.

So beware out there. Take the time to really think about what you are buying. Have a plan mapped out in advance regarding the purchase of snacks that are yummy but better for your children. Don’t let Madison Avenue control your kids, your food budget or you.

To see the full list called out by Health Magazine click here. By the way: maybe that Shrek dude is not such a loveable pal after all  – he’s featured on 3 out of the 10 products mentioned.

Dear Mamas,

My daughter, age 8,  was in a car accident a week ago. Her arm was broken but otherwise she is fine. She was in the car with another mother and her child. Nobody was seriously hurt but the other two were banged up a bit. My daughter (Sophie) is still feeling anxious about the whole thing and is very nervous when we have to go somewhere in the car. My mother says it’s best to just move on and not give a lot of attention to it. She feels we should just insist she get in the car and get on with life. I feel like we should back off and give her a lot of space and not push it. What do you think?

Thanks, Emily

Dear Emily,
I’m so sorry that your daughter was hurt and I hope she will be feeling all better soon. It’s really tough to see your child in any kind of pain and it must have been really frightening for you, too. Your question is a really good one and the short answer is that in a way, both you and your mother are right. But it isn’t an either/or proposition. It’s actually a little more complicated.

There are some specific things to keep in mind as you work to help your daughter heal. First of all, an accident or injury of any kind can be very frightening to a child whether she is 5 or 15. It’s important for her to know that feeling upset after the event is normal and will get better with time. Kids who have gone through an experience like an accident are likely to feel jumpy or worried for a while.

One of your most important jobs is to give her the chance to talk about her feelings– if she wants to. You can start it off by saying something like, “It must have been really scary when the car got hit. What was that like? How did you feel? How do you feel now?” If she doesn’t want to talk, you can suggest that she draw a picture about it instead. Encourage both. Don’t force the subject but don’t tip-toe around it either.

It’s also important for her to know that she is safe now and that being in a car accident is a very rare thing. Keep reminding her that she is okay and that her arm will heal and soon she will be back to doing all her regular activities.

Give her a lot of extra physical support (hugs and kisses) as well. Cuddle up together on the couch and read a book together. Play Monopoly or cards together. Have family movie night and include the whole gang. Be conscious of the fact that your physical presence (and that of other family members) will help her to feel more secure and heal faster.

On the other hand, keep her regular routine going as much as is possible, given her broken arm. Bedtimes, mealtimes, chores etc. should all be continued as usual.

Although she may shy away from going in the car, don’t overindulge that fear. Let her know that being anxious about driving in a car after an accident is normal but it doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen again. In fact, the more experience we have getting in the car and going about our business the quicker we will forget our fear and see that it’s okay. But until that happens, make sure that you (or your other children or family members) do not tease her about her worries. Everyone needs to remember that her feelings about this are normal and to be expected.

Make sure you take care of yourself, too and talk to another adult if you are still struggling with your own anxiety. Raising kids is so nerve wracking! We go through it all with them at the emotional level so we need to acknowledge that and make sure we take time to debrief ourselves when something traumatic happens to them. Otherwise, our anxiety can be picked up by our child. It is pretty contagious.

Don’t forget that your other kids may be worried or upset as well. Having a sibling get seriously hurt or injured can feel very threatening to them. Give them the opportunity to talk about their concerns and give them the chance to do something special for their sister to cheer her up. Kids are naturally compassionate and like to help when someone is having a hard time.

If after a few weeks she is still not improving, you may want to consult with your pediatrician or a child or family counselor. In particular pay attention to whether she is still really preoccupied with the accident and fearful of the car; not wanting to do the things she normally likes to do; having a hard time in school or not wanting to go to school. If these things are happening, she may benefit from a few counseling sessions.

There is a flip side to this equation, though. Yes, you are the teacher but did you ever consider that you can also be the student? True, kids don’t know much about manners or nutrition or how to tie their shoes, make their beds or prepare for a math test. They don’t know how to take turns or make up with a playmate after squabbling over a favorite toy. They can’t cook, drive a car, restrain themselves around an open bar featuring unlimited bowls of skittles or ice cream and they might burn their eyes (and brains) out watching t.v. or playing computer games if no one is around to say, “That’s enough!”

But here’s what they do know (and what you may have forgotten): how to be in the moment with no worries about the future or regrets about the past; how to make time slow down; how to feel their feelings deeply, express them plainly and then let them go; how to say they’re sorry and really mean it; how to find enjoyment in the simplest of activities like playing with an ant and a stick for half an hour; how to forgive and forget; how to become fully absorbed in whatever it is they are doing; how to live with the expectation that all will be well regardless of what’s going on now; how to open their hearts and love with abandon; how to challenge themselves to reach higher and farther than they did the day before; how to make a new friend in seconds; how to judge people based on their personal qualities instead of their looks, income level, job title or social status; how to sleep like a rock; how to express their creativity joyfully without giving a thought to what others might think; how to wonder; and how to greet each day with new eyes and a sense of excitement.

One of the most profound gifts that children bring to us is their willingness to just be who they are without excuses or apologies. They are comfortable in their own skins and able to greet each person who comes into their lives with an open heart and an open mind. In other words, they are real. And that’s why we feel so comfortable around them.

So do yourself a favor while you have the chance. Slow down and pay attention to how your children do these things. Watch them carefully and allow yourself to marvel at their ability to be present and authentic. Join them in their sense of fun and adventure. Relearn how to play, and how to “be”. They have a lot to teach, if we’re willing to listen.

Since most families had but one line, competition for the telephone was fierce, especially if you had a bunch of siblings to contend with. Parents grumbled and complained about the amount of time their adolescents spent giggling, whispering, and sometimes crying into the phone with girlfriends and boyfriends alike.

Since there was no voice mail, no answering machine, and no call-waiting, Mom and Dad probably missed quite a few calls of their own while their teens were holed up in a closet or hallway for hours, cord pulled to the busting point, straining to get a little privacy and the latest news.

“Get off that phone this minute or you’re going to be in big trouble!” was a familiar parental rant, but truth be told the telephone was (and is) a fantastic tool — possibly one of the best for helping kids master some of the important tasks of adolescence.

The teen years are all about finding an identity that is separate from one’s family and adolescents try on all sorts of different hats on the way to discovering who they are. Up until the time when their voices start to crack or their breasts begin to bud, kids derive their strength, values and views of themselves and the world from their families — particularly their parents.

But as their bodies and minds begin to morph into what will eventually become adults they start to look outside of their home for clues about who they are and what they truly think and believe. They struggle to gain a sense of independence and competence so that they will be able to make it in the adult world.

As a result, the peer group gains supreme status and finding a way to fit in and compete becomes central to their lives. They get there through a lot of practice and experimentation but there are so many tasks to master — and all within a few short years.

One of their biggest tasks is to learn how to interact with their peers in a more adult way. They must develop a set of social skills that they can rely upon to help them make friends and see them through the stickiest of social situations. They are learning how to stand up for themselves and what they believe in; who to trust; how to ask for help and how to deal with disappointment.

They have to learn to accept their new bodies — warts and all. If they are too tall or too short, have a big nose or a pimply complexion it can be rough and can undermine their sense of self confidence.

As if that weren’t enough, adolescents must also figure out how to deal more maturely with conflict — like how to resolve a fight or manage a disagreement — and also how to get up the nerve to talk to the boy or girl who makes their heart go pitter-patter.

Frankly, I get exhausted just thinking about all they have to accomplish! No wonder they can be so grouchy and feel the need to hide out alone in their rooms sometimes.

When you think about it, they must change themselves from children to grown-ups and there is a lot of trial and error along the way. For years adolescents have one foot in each world and it’s as confusing to them as it is for us.

But this is where the telephone can come in handy. When a teen or tween is talking to a friend about a difficult subject, she can practice reading between the lines of what is being said. She can learn to recognize how a persons tone of voice or brief hesitation before answering adds meaning to what he or she is saying.

She (or he) can practice talking to someone of the opposite sex without worrying about whether her face is red or her palms are sweaty. She can try out being a little bossy or confrontational or, on the other hand sweet and sensitive without fear of being overheard or laughed at. She can open her heart and her feelings while pacing the room or squeezing shut her eyes. And there is great comfort in knowing she can hang up if it gets too weird or too hard.

This is tough stuff to do and the beauty of the telephone is that it allows adolescents to practice it all without the intensity that goes along with a face-to-face interaction. It provides a little bit of emotional and psychological protection while they are learning to build good social skills and develop meaningful relationships with their friends.

It doesn’t work the same with the computer or text messaging though. There are good things about both of those inventions for sure but nothing beats the good old-fashiioned telephone when it comes to building social skills and practicing more grown-up behavior.

It’s tempting to give in when your kids want to communicate using the latest gadgets around. You might figure that this is just the way it is now, end of story. But I would ask you to think twice especially while your children are pre or young teens.

When my daughter was in eighth grade we began to realize that she was spending a fair amount of time IM-ing (instant messaging) her friends when she was supposed to be doing her homework. It became clear pretty quickly that this was NOT a good thing either for her schoolwork and concentration skills or her friendships.

So we decided to disable it. She was pretty angry at first and accused us of not wanting her to have a social life. But we countered that the opposite was true: we DID want her to have a social life but that meant she had to develop real relationships with friends one at a time.

The IM thing (and email and text messaging) doesn’t allow for that. Instead it can put them in a kind of situation where they end up behaving in ways that they never would if they were one-on-one.

Worst case scenario is that they say things they don’t mean, misinterpret what is said to them, or find themselves involved in hurting someone’s feelings as things heat up and spiral out of control. Best case scenario is that they simply miss out on the opportunity to learn how to communicate effectively with sensitivity and polish.

And once posted, their words (good or bad) are out there forever. The internet does not discriminate and it’s very easy for an angry or upset teen to hit “send” and instantly distribute the conversation all over the planet.

So I want to encourage you to encourage your teen to get off the computer and pick up the phone and call a friend instead. Advise her not to text, email or g-chat when she’s got something important to say. Urge her to take advantage of Alexander Bell’s amazing invention to learn about tone of voice with all it’s fine distinctions and to get comfortable with having those difficult but all-important conversations aloud.

You will be doing a lot to help your kids face and master some of the daunting tasks of adolescence and they will thank you for it later. Promise.

Hi Mamas,

My seven-year-old just got glasses. Last year he was having a lot of problems with reading and we finally got him to a reading specialist for help. She noticed that he was squinting alot when he read and suggested we get his eyes checked.

That’s when we found out. So we got the glasses for him and now he can read so much better and doesn’t get frustrated. But he doesn’t like the way he looks and doesn’t want to wear them. Now what do we do?? Help!

Roseanne

Dear Roseanne,

I’ll bet he looks adorable! But it is an adjustment for him and it may take some time before he feels “like himself” with his glasses on. At seven, children do care how they look and don’t want to stand out as different. But did you know that one out of every six children ages three through 16 wear glasses? Since it always helps to know you’re not alone, you may want to share that tidbit with him. Hopefully by the time school starts he will be comfortable with his new look. In the meantime, these tips may help speed things along:

• Learn about the eye together and explain what his specific issue is. Show how the glasses correct his problem and marvel over how cool it is that glasses can help out so much.
• Don’t make a fuss or indulge him in feeling sorry for himself. Be positive. Don’t tell him he’s being brave or handling this tough situation well. It’s just life. Keep your tone neutral and matter-of-fact when talking about his new glasses but do let him know that you think he looks great!
• Praise him for remembering to wear his glasses when it’s time to read but don’t overdo it. Let him know that taking good care of his glasses and remembering to put them on shows how grown up and responsible he’s becoming.
• Understand that he is going to feel a little self-conscious about his new glasses so don’t point them out when you run into friends or have them over to visit (although you may want to give them the heads-up in advance). Let him take the lead in talking about them.
• Point out that when he gets older there may be alternatives to wearing glasses (like contact lenses or lasik surgery).
• Let him know that glasses are really important but can also be a fashion accessory (this is often a bigger selling point with girls). Remind him that he can always change the look as he gets older or as styles change. Give him a big say in picking out the frames. Even though you already have his you can keep this in mind when he’s ready for a new pair.
• Compile a mental list of loved or admired friends, family members, celebrities and sports figures who wear glasses. Work them (and their cool glasses) into the conversation in a SUBTLE way whenever the opportunity comes up. For example, “Oh, Tim. I saw the coolest picture of (whoever will make him smile) today. Did you know he wears glasses, too?” Then show him the picture. Just remember that this is something you have to be careful with. You don’t want to be too obvious.

Another way to ease the transition to new glasses is through books. This list may help:

The Harry Potter Books, by JK Rowling (Bloomsbury)
Mom, I Need Glasses, by Angrliks Wolff (Lion Press)
The Eyes of Kid Midas, by Neal Shusterman (Little Brown and Company)
Dogs Don’t Wear Glasses by Adrienne Geoghegan (Crocodile Books)
Libby’s New Glasses, by Tricia Tusa (Holiday House)
All the Better to See You With, by Margaret Wild (Whitman and Co)
Winnie Flies Again, by Korky Paul and Valerie Thomas (Oxford University Press)
X-Ray Mable and Her Magic Specs, by Claire Fletcher (Bodley Head)
The Arthur Books, by Marc Brown (Red Fox)
Glasses. Who needs ‘Em?, by Lane Smith (Viking)
Luna and the Big Blurr, by Shirley Day
Chuckie Visits the Eye Doctor, by Luke David

I’m all for bribery, when it’s used judiciously. Obviously it shouldn’t be the go-to strategy you use on a daily basis. It’s all about moderation but when used sparingly with a dash of creativity behind it, a bribe (or incentive) can really help to get things moving in the right direction. As Mary Poppins, that famous nanny who set the gold standard for positive, effective child rearing once said, “A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.”

One place where an incentive plan can really pay big dividends is in the area of reading — particularly vacation-time reading. You might have started off the summer determined to see your kids with their noses in a book for at least part of the time. But with so many other distractions and a less-than-enthusiastic response from the kids when the subject came up, you may have decided to give in and let it go.

Some recent news from the research world may give you reason to rethink that decision. The researchers were trying to figure out whether the kind of reading material a child chose made a difference when it came to improving their test scores, building their vocabularies or improving their performances in other non-related subjects. Much to their surprise they found that it didn’t matter at all. Instead, they discovered that reading anything did the trick in all the areas mentioned.

That really made my day because I was one of those parents who happily included the occasional comic book or sports anthology right along with the Newberry Award winners when it came time for summer reading. And I was definitely not beyond offering incentives (okay, bribes) to my kids to get them settled down with a book.

One of the things that we did was visit the book store at the beginning of summer to get ideas about the kinds of books they might like to read. I would buy them one to get them started and then make a list of others to borrow from the library. I promised a penny-a-page but they had to prove that they had actually read the book by giving me a short little book report when they had finished it. Basically, they just had to tell me about the book and then I might flip through it and ask a few questions to make sure they weren’t just trying to con the con man (me). We kept a tally of pages read and at the end of the summer they got their reward.

Another thing we tried was setting up a contest to see who read the most over the summer. Prizes were given to the top three winners. Since I had three kids they were all covered, but the top reader got the best prize by far. Kids love a challenge and they love to compete. This strategy works well and you might want to give it a try now that back-to-school-time is closing in fast. It’s a good way for them to reengage their brains and get back in the habit of reading quietly, on their own.

This Booklist of Children’s Literature can help you find some wonderful books for the kids at your house.

Dear Mamas On Call,

I hope you can help me. My daughter is going into middle school in the fall and I am really nervous. I have heard that many of the kids there are experimenting with alcohol and sex and I can’t even imagine how to prepare her. She has been very protected and is very innocent. What should I do??

Worried in Falls Church, VA

Dear Worried,

Take a breath, calm down and know that you have the mom-radar to deal with this. Because you absolutely do! Sending a child off to middle school is stressful on the one hand and a cause for celebration on the other. As moms we tend to go to the stressful place first. We want our children to BE SAFE and when the whole scene and cast of characters changes we lose more control and it is scary.

But it’s a wonderful milestone, too and it says that she has been able to navigate her way successfully through babyhood, pre-school, kindergarten and elementary school. That’s big. And she has been growing and learning and developing all along. And so have you. Whenever we’re faced with a big change that takes us outside of our comfort zone, we forget how much we know and how many life tools we have collected along the way. We forget that we are bringing a lot of skill and know-how with us.

Same goes for your daughter. She has faced many new situations in her life and there is no reason to believe that she won’t be able to handle this one, too. When school starts she will find herself in a group of other girls and boys who are also feeling a little anxious and who also have moms who are feeling the stress as well. Everyone will be new and in the same boat.

But I do understand your concerns and they are not crazy. They are real and you will need to monitor the people, places and activities that she gets involved with.

One of the most important things to keep your eye on right off the bat are the friends she picks. If she has chosen well in the past, most likely she will continue to do so. Hopefully, some of her old friends who you know and trust, will be going to the same school.

But start early in getting to know the new ones and their families. Have her friends to your house and invite the mothers for coffee. Check out what their parenting styles are, what kinds of rules they have etc. without being obvious. You know how to do this.

And then steer her towards those kids who seem healthy and happy and away from those who look like trouble. She is still young enough to be swayed by you.

The peer group is really important when it comes to making choices, good or bad. So keeping your eye on who she is hanging out with is a good place to start. And keep those relationships with the other parents alive so you have a pulse on what is happening in her world. If the parents are on the same page and keep in touch many, many problems can be prevented or dealt with early on.

But it’s also important to let your daughter know that you are proud of how much she has grown and that you are confident that she will do great in middle school and make a lot of wonderful new friends. She needs to hear this from you. If she thinks you believe it, she will, too.

Keep the lines of communication open and start talking a lot about what she is observing at school. Be available to talk when she wants to and make sure that you as a family continue to do fun stuff together. Keep those all-important family dinners going at least 4 – 5 nights a week. Encourage her to join a club or two at school and take it all one step at a time.

As far as the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll goes, start talking about that too. Not right away and not so much from a place of worry or threats but more as something you casually start to include when you are talking. You can say something like, “By the way honey – believe it or not there are going to be kids at middle school who are already drinking or experimenting with sex or drugs. It’s really sad because those kinds of choices are going to end up hurting them and I hate to think about any children in pain or danger. The kids who are making those kinds of choices usually end up with a lot of problems and it’s best to steer clear of them.”

Don’t start off with this stuff before school starts though, it would probably just scare her. Wait till she’s been there a few months and has had time to adjust and to develop some confidence. Then begin to include this topic in your conversations. Keep the dialogue going.

But don’t forget to CELEBRATE the transition and make it a happy time, because it really is!

Congratulations and best wishes to you all!

But I want to share a specific strategy that I started using with my own kids when they were tiny. It not only works but stretches their imaginations and shows them how to tune in to messages from their subconscious minds, too! I’m talking about teaching them how to plan and remember their dreams. It’s a great game and one that I’ll bet they come to love as much as mine did (and do).

I got to thinking about this after I saw the movie Inception a couple days ago. Have you seen it? It’s about a guy who gets hired to enter the dreams of another guy in order to implant an idea that will make him do something in his waking life. Basically the hired man is trying to control the other man through his dreams. It’s a kind of fantasy thriller but lots of fun, especially since it zeros in on one of my favorite activities — dreaming.

Why we dream has long been a subject for debate. But most people believe that we can use dreams to work through issues we are struggling with or make sense out of something upsetting that has happened. Early in my second pregnancy, for example, I was very worried about the possibility of miscarriage.

One night I went to sleep and began dreaming that I was having a miscarriage. I was spotting and was taken to a hospital and put on a gurney and taken in to an operating room. The doctor examined me and said, “She’s having a miscarriage.”  I panicked and felt this incredible feeling of horror but then suddenly I realized that I was dreaming. At that point I sat up and said to the doctor, “No. That’s wrong. This is my dream and I’m in charge and I am NOT having a miscarriage.” I got off the operating table and walked away. Then I woke up and after that my fears about miscarriage were gone.

Beyond helping us to solve problems or work through tough emotions dreams can also be pure and simple fun! But most of us don’t remember our dreams and so we don’t get the full benefit of what is shown to us while we are sleeping. Fewer still have figured out how to be actively awake while literally asleep.

Luckily though, we can train ourselves to remember our dreams and can even influence what we dream about to a degree. Since most people spend around two hours each night dreaming, it’s worth a try. And it’s a great thing to teach your children how to do.

When I was growing up, my mom would ask my brothers, sisters and me what we had dreamed about each morning as we sat around the table eating our cereal. Since we were fresh from sleep our dreams were often still clear and we would discuss them in detail. We would laugh about the silly or scary situations we had encountered and it did a lot to stimulate our imaginations and story-telling abilities.

We were encouraged to think about our dreams, remember them and share them. I loved this ritual and so when my own children were young I continued the tradition that I had grown up with. But I went a step further and started a game that we played at bedtime called “Going to Dreamland.”

Here’s how it works: sometime after dinner I would start asking them where they wanted to go that night. They knew I meant once they had fallen asleep and were dreaming. We called the place we went to Dreamland and I explained that they could do anything they wanted to do there. Nothing was off limits and I encouraged them to come up with a rich and detailed story about what they wanted to experience that night as they slept.

Around Christmas time they would often want to visit Santa at the North Pole and help the elves make toys. My daughter loved dolphins and made up a story about a magical dolphin who could swim, fly and talk. She could ride him in the sea or in the air because she could breathe underwater. I would help her think about things they could do together and places around the world they could visit. Sometimes she wanted me to come along and other times she wanted to go all by herself with her sea creature friend.

Because little children often hate the separation from their parents that comes with saying goodnight, I would often tell them that I would meet them in their dreams once they were deeply asleep. As part of our night time ritual we would make a plan for where we would be going that night. Once the details had been ironed out, they were happy and excited to get to sleep so they could go to Dreamland.

I played this up seriously but with a lot of enthusiasm and a twinkle in my eye. It was easy for me to help them weave a wonderful, imaginative plan for the night and to get excited with them. Because after all, anything can happen when you’re dreaming!

The next morning we would talk about their dreams and they would fill the room with their funny stories and outrageous adventures. I’m sure that they stretched the truth regularly but to me that was a valuable part of the experience. It was about conjuring possibilities and these early morning discussions did much to build their imagination muscles.

My children all loved this game and to this day they love to go to sleep and also to talk about their dreams. No insomniacs at this house!

So give it a try. Start talking with your children about dreams and how much fun they can be. Ask them to tell you about their dreams in the morning and introduce them to the magical place called Dreamland. It’s free, always open, and you can take them there every night. They can also eat as much candy as they want and do all the things they can’t do in their more ordinary life like fly or be a king or talk to animals. How could they resist?

Added bonus: it may make saying goodnight a lot more fun.