Dear Mamas — I’m pulling my hair out trying to come up with healthy snacks for my 4 year old twins. Whatever I give them is of questionable nutritional value and just ruins their appetites for meals. But it seems like they are hungry all the time! How can I turn this around?

Thanks, Lisa

Hi Lisa,
If they’re hungry all the time but not so much at mealtime, you’re right — snacking may indeed be the culprit. But that doesn’t mean that snacks can’t be a good and healthy part of their daily diet. Many kids prefer smaller meals and they do get hungry more frequently than adults. But parents often miss the point that their snacks should really be thought of as part of their daily diet.

So it’s pretty simple to turn your problem around. Just start shooting for snacks that are both tasty and nutritious and reduce the amount of food you serve to them at mealtimes. Make sure those snacks include carbohydrates, protein, fiber and a little bit of healthy fat. Save the cake, cookies, chips and soda for special occasions like birthday parties and family celebrations.

A snack between breakfast and lunch and then another one between lunch and dinner is not at all unreasonable depending of course on what and how much you’re serving. As far as portion size goes, start small. You can always give them a little more if they’re still hungry. The possibilities are endless, but here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• raw veggies like carrot sticks, peeled celery sticks, red or green bell peppers with a healthy dip like hummus or peanut butter
• hummus or babaganoush and whole wheat pita bread
• a bowl of whole grain cereal (with at least 3 grams of fiber) and non-fat or 1% milk with a few walnuts and dried cranberries thrown in
• instant oatmeal made with milk and topped with sliced bananas or strawberries
• low-sodium deli turkey slices topped with a little mustard or mango chutney and wrapped around sesame seeded breadstick
• mini apple cinnamon rice cakes topped with peanut butter and banana slices
• half an egg salad sandwich cut in half again
• frozen banana (cut a peeled, over ripe banana in half, place each half in a zip lock bag and freeze)
• sliced apple and a few cubes of low-fat cheese or a low-fat cheese stick
• small container of Greek yogurt with a few blueberries tossed in
• non-fat Haagen Das frozen sorbet bar
• healthy oatmeal cookies and a glass of non-fat milk
• whole wheat pretzels and a small container of 100% orange juice (NO Capri Sun etc.)
• toast with peanut butter and a tiny bit of honey along with a glass of milk (no honey or peanut butter till age 1)
• a hard boiled egg
• toasted whole grain waffles topped with non-fat cream cheese and jam and sliced into thick strips
• Trailmix: combine nuts, pretzels, whole grain cereal, banana chips or other dried fruit, popcorn (only for aged 5 and up) and raisins
• a fruit kebob made with melon balls, pineapple chunks, and cubed peaches, apples or pears
• guacamole with raw veggies and whole wheat crackers
• whole wheat crackers topped with thin slices of cheese and a few apple, orange or pear slices on the side
• a mini Boboli pizza crust (or half a toasted English muffin) topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese and broiled till bubbly
• mini bagel and low fat cream cheese
• bean and cheese quesadillas with chunky salsa
• scrambled egg topped with grated cheese and rolled into a warmed flour tortilla
• ants on a log — celery covered with peanut butter and sprinkled with raisins
• one of these delicious smoothies from AllRecipes

As you can see, there is plenty to choose from. Just remember though, keep up with the rituals that go with mealtimes even though the portions you serve are smaller. Besides fueling their bodies, mealtimes are an important part of family life and socialization so don’t go the “we just graze all day” route. Eat together at the table at established times, make it a no-stress zone (save the talk about problems for later), add conversation and make sure everyone stays for a reasonable amount of time before jumping up. The kids need to learn table manners and social skills and they also need time to bond with their tribe.

Happy eating!

We hope that everything is going well with all of you out there in Internet Land and that your families are thriving under your watchful, caring eyes. You are our heroes and we thank you for all the love and care you are giving to the current batch of children coming up in the world.

It’s been almost three years since we started this website and we figured it was time to check in with you and find out how we’re doing. As a couple of moms who have “been there and done that,” our #1 goal has always been to provide you with good, useful parenting advice from our combined professional arsenal of knowledge, tips and strategies. We are here to serve and want you to be happy with what you find whenever you do us the honor of stopping by.

So in that spirit, we are asking you to take a moment to let us know a) what you like about MamasOnCall and maybe want more of, b) what you could probably do without, and c) what we should add. In other words if you had a magic wand, how would you change this website to be more of what you’re looking for? If you want more on teenagers, for example, let us know. If you’re searching in vain for strategies to help you raise your kids as a single parent, we want to know. Or, if help in transitioning into the role of parent is what you crave, please speak up.

This is your chance to help us tweak our site and we hope that you’ll take us up on the offer.  Oh, and by the way, we are always delighted to get specific questions about your own family, too, so keep them coming. You need never worry that your identity will be revealed or that we will think your question is silly or stupid. We will not! Promise. No one but us sees your questions and we absolutely value and respect your privacy. And you’d be surprised by how many other parents are grappling with the same mystifying concerns that you are, right at this moment. By being the one to ask, you do them, as well as yourself, a favor.

So please check in and let us know. We really do want to hear from you whether you are a new reader or one of our old-timers. We love you all! You can write to us at Ask the Mamas or through our Contact page.

Thanks and come back again soon!

Dear Mamas,

We have two children and the youngest one is autistic. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. Tim takes a lot of our time and attention and Hannah is often called on to take care of herself so we can attend to Tim. She is a super responsible kid and loves her little brother a lot. She has always been really patient with him, much more than I would have been at her age. The fact is, I really need her help a lot. But sometimes I feel guilty asking her to help with him. My husband thinks she is doing fine and that she understands the situation.

My question is, am I being overly concerned about her? Should she be expected to pick up the slack and help out as much as we need? Or are we asking too much of her?

Feeling Guilty in Tulsa

Dear Guilty,

It’s so great that you are thinking about the impact that your son’s condition might be having on your daughter. She is lucky to have a mom who’s so sensitive because even though she is a “super responsible kid,” she also needs lots of attention from you. And given the circumstances, that might be a challenge – after all there are only so many hours in the day. So it’s really important that you let her know how much you appreciate the sacrifices she must occasionally make on behalf of her brother.

But you don’t need to feel guilty about asking her to pitch in. At seven, there are many things that she can do for herself and she — like all kids — should be encouraged to do as much as she is capable of. Dressing herself, keeping her room picked up, setting the table, brushing her teeth, and distributing clean laundry are just a few examples of things that she can reasonably be expected to help with. These kinds of responsibilities help her to grow, feel confident about herself, and become independent. Plus, they help her to see that she is a valuable, contributing member of her family and that makes her feel proud.

And it’s great that she likes to help out with her brother. She can, most definitely, be expected to do so, sometimes. As long as the expectations are realistic and not beyond what a child her age can or should do, it’s okay. But she should never be made to feel that she is carrying the weight of responsibility for his welfare. So, for example, she should not be expected to babysit him for hours at a time or spend an inordinate amount of time playing with him, or be asked to give up having friends or playdates of her own.

She has to feel confident that her own needs, as well as those of her brother’s, will be taken care of. In order to avoid hurt feelings and resentments down the road it’s important that you give her the attention she needs now in order to thrive and feel secure.

So sit down with your husband and figure out how you can each carve out some special time with your daughter each week that will be safeguarded no matter what! It doesn’t have to be big … just something she can really count on. Make sure that the focus is on her and her life. So, for example, if she is a big reader, you could take her to the library one evening each week and spend half an hour looking for books followed by a stop at the Frozen Yogurt Shop on the way home.

Or, maybe one of you could set aside a half hour each week to bike ride or ice skate together. Or, the two of you could have a regular “Bake Night”  and try out recipes that the whole family can enjoy later. The only caveat is that these experiences are clearly understood to be “special time” that no one — including Tim — can crash. And don’t forget to make them laptop/cell-phone-free.

Knowing that you appreciate her help and that she can look forward to regular time with each of you will help her get through the times when she must be patient and put her immediate needs aside.

Good luck with a tough situation and remember that you’re only human. You’ve got a lot on your plate, so be sure to take care of yourself, too. We’ll be thinking of you!

It was a responsible, by-the-book approach that worked great for a long time. Asthma was seen by son and parents as simply a part of life and this kid happily complied with the program.

But then, the child became a teenager. No longer could this mom take matters into her own hands when the warning signs flared up. Now she had to convince her son that it was the necessary thing to do. She found herself having this conversation often and it drove her wacko:

Mom: Hey, I hear you coughing a lot today. Sounds like asthma to me.

Son: Mom, I’m fine! I just have a little cold.

Mom: Really? Do you have a runny nose or sore throat or any other symptoms or is it just the cough?

Son: Mom, I’m not a baby. I know when I have asthma and I feel fine. Relax!

Mom: Well, yeah, but that cough is your symptom that asthma is starting and you need to get on it now before it really gets going.

Son: Mom, my chest feels fine. Seriously, I know when I need it. God! You treat me like such a baby!

Mom knew that this teen, like all teens with chronic medical conditions, didn’t want to face the fact that he needed to take his medicine regularly and monitor his condition closely. She knew that he saw himself as invulnerable to danger and able to manage his life with little help from the grown-ups. Having to take medicine wasn’t cool, and despite what he said, she knew that sometimes he just plain forgot to pay attention. But his overall health was good and his asthma didn’t really cause him much trouble.

Then he went to college. The climate there was very cold (cold air can trigger asthma), and it was hundreds of miles from home. New germs, new schedules, new routines (or lack of them), and total freedom to attend to his asthma or not created a riskier situation. Mom could occasionally hear the little achhh, achhhh cough that made her brain light up in fear when she talked to him on the phone and she felt her helplessness increase.

But now there was little she could do except hope for the best. Until last week. Here’s what happened:

Son, home for winter break, had been coughing for a week and blowing it off, as usual. Mom decided to institute a covert mission. Moms are smart that way. So she called her son’s pulmonologist and got his nurse on the line:

Mom: Here’s what I’m dealing with — I’ve got an adolescent who’s symptomatic and in denial about his asthma. I know it’s his age that’s getting in the way, and I need help from you guys. He’s home from college and we’re doing our dance about whether he needs his medication. I hear his cough, which I know is his symptom, and tell him to start the meds and he argues that he doesn’t need them.

Nurse: Oh boy.

Mom: He thinks it’s not asthma unless his chest is tight and he’s wheezing. I need you to explain what that cough means and help him understand that he has to be proactive and nip it in the bud. Will you please help me? He doesn’t want to hear it from his mom, but he might listen to the doctor. I promise to let you guys do the talking and not to gloat too much in the background.

Nurse: (laughing) I totally get it. Adolescents are notoriously bad about taking medication. Bring him in and we’ll read him the riot act, but nicely of course.

So Mom told Son they were going in for his annual asthma exam. She said she was glad because she wanted to find out once and for all (even though she already knew) what that little cough meant. She was curious, she said. Maybe he was right after all. Maybe it was just a bit of a cold and it didn’t signal asthma. “Fine,”he said. “No problem, sounds good.”

On the way, Mom kept things light and conversational. She didn’t talk about asthma or medicine. Mostly they just talked about sports. As the nurse walked them into the examination room she said to the son, “Wow, you sound a little winded just from the walk in. Is your asthma flaring up now?” Shocked son said, “No, I just have a slight cold.” Mom winked conspiratorially to Nurse and sat down feeling really good about what was about to happen.

As Nurse started to quiz Son on what was going on, she casually mentioned his cough.

Nurse: I hear a little achh, achhh.

Son: Yeah, I just have a little cold.

Nurse: Are you sure you’re not in denial? Because that cough could definitely be a symptom that your asthma is acting up.

At this point, Mom is pinching herself to keep from breaking into song and working hard to keep her face a bland combination of matter-of-fact and mildly curious.

Mom: Really? Is that right? The cough IS asthma? Because we have wondered about that. So let me get this straight – even though his chest isn’t tight yet and he’s not wheezing, he actually does have asthma and you know that because of the little cough?

Nurse: Well, we’ll have the doctor confirm it but most likely, yes. And the funny thing is that even when people are having symptoms they often don’t even notice them. One of the nurses here was constantly clearing her throat and finally I asked her when she was going to see the ENT about it. She didn’t know what I was talking about. She had no idea that she was clearing her throat every few minutes. So it was pretty funny. She did have a problem but wasn’t even aware of it.

Son: Huh.

In walks Doctor, who greets Son with a handshake and a warm hello. He gives Mom a quick nod but focuses, lazer-like, in on the gangly young man sprawled on the examination table.

Doctor: So, how’s college going? Haven’t seen you for a while.

Son: Great, I really like it. Everything’s good.

Doctor: How’s your asthma been? Have you had any problemas with it at all?

Son: Oh, no. Nothing really. It’s been fine.

Mom: (Silently, to herself) WHAT? Everything’s fine? Is he serious?

Doctor: Really? Nothing at all? Have you needed your inhaler at all since the school year began?

Son: Well yeah, a few times I’ve had to use it but not much.

Doctor: What about the other medicine for prevention? Are you using that?

Son: Just when I have asthma and then for a couple weeks after the symptoms go away.

Doctor: Yeah, I gotta tell you. I see this situation with people your age all the time. It’s really a typical thing with you guys and I want you to pay attention to what I’m going to tell you. You don’t think you need to take your medicine until you have a real problem going on but that’s not how it’s meant to be used. You get away with it for a while because you’re young and have a lot of good lung function but that can change fast and then you can have really serious problems. And believe me, you don’t want that, it’s not a pleasant experience.

As the doctor laid out the facts, clearly and emphatically, Mom listened in awe and wondered where she could erect a statue in his honor. He struck just the right tone and her son listened and took the information in in a way that he hadn’t before. The doctor was bold (You’re probably going to have this for the rest of your life…) but reassuring (…but if you just take one puff per day of the medicine, most likely you won’t have any problems or even much need the inhaler).

And he even got him to see that the blasted achhhh achhh was indeed a real symptom of asthma and not just a little cough. Mom didn’t have to say a thing. She got to melt into the background and watch the magic happen.

Once back in the car, after the doctor had extracted a promise from the young man to take his medicine every day, Mom asked him what he had heard.

Son: Oh, he just basically said that if I take the medicine 90% of the time, I’ll be fine.

Mom: What do you mean 90% of the time? He said every day!

Actually, at one point he HAD said 90% of the time — that idiot. Mom started to rethink the statue idea. Maybe a plaque would be more appropriate. Clearly, that doctor didn’t have adolescents. He didn’t realize that they will always focus on that one piece of information, thrown out without thinking, that fits best with their view of the world.

Oh well, that’s a battle for another day. At least her mission had been mostly successful and she could let go and loosen up a little more.

But as they drove off, she was once again left wondering when, if ever, she would be able to completely stop worrying about her kids. I think I know the answer but she probably wouldn’t want to hear it.

Dear Mamas,

We just got back from Christmas with my Dad and Stepmother and I am still angry about what she told me. My baby is almost five months and loves to stand up on my lap and bounce. I think he is getting stronger from it and he smiles and coos like crazy when he’s doing it but my Stepmom says it will make him bow-legged.

She also kept badgering me to put shoes on him (we were in Florida and it was warm) and says that they need to get used to shoes early. I disagree and we had a few words about it but the truth is I’m not sure anymore. I just want to do what’s right but maybe I’m just being stubborn. Help!

Thanks,

Amelia

Hi Amelia,

Thanks for your question, it’s a good one! Many people make the same mistake as your stepmom. It’s a common misconception that grew out of an old wives’ tale. But you are right on this one — not that you’re keeping score.

It is, actually, great for baby to bounce (gently, of course) on your lap as he practices putting weight on those legs and finding his center of gravity. These behaviors will assist him in learning how to walk once he gets to that stage. And the bouncing up and down is fun and will definitely NOT harm his legs or cause them to become deformed as long as he is the one initiating the movement.

As for the shoes — babies really don’t need shoes until they are really walking. While they are learning it is actually best for them to go barefoot indoors, assuming the house is warm and the floor is safe and clean. They use their little toes to get a grip on the surfaces they are attempting to walk on and socks often just make them slip (although the tight ones with that grippy stuff on the bottoms are okay).

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to think about how you are going to let your stepmother know that her advice will always be welcomed and considered but that you are the boss when it comes to your child. The trick is to not get thrown back into playing the adolescent role around her. You have to show her that you are grown up now and capable of learning everything you need to know about how to care for your baby. Once she sees that you are serious and dedicated to being an informed mom, she will probably back off.

But you have to figure out a way to give her a role in helping to care for the baby, too. She may be a great resource for you once she realizes that her job is more of a consultant. Try to remember that she is most likely just trying to help. Everybody, including your stepmom, is taking baby steps toward learning how to handle their new roles. Be patient with her, but own your own.

A first grade teacher had 26 students. She gave them the first part of a well-known proverb and asked them to supply the ending. Here is what these inventive six-year-olds came up with:

1. Don’t change horses…

until they stop running.

2. Strike while the…

bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest…

before Daylight Savings Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of…

termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but…

how?

6. Don’t bite the hand…

that looks dirty.

7. No news is…

impossible.

8. A miss is as good as…

a  Mr.

9. You can’t teach an old dog…

new math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…

stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust…

me.

12. The pen is mightier than the…

pigs.

13. An idle mind is…

the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s…

pollution.

15. Happy the bride who…

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is…

not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s…

the Musketeers.

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what…

you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and…

you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as…

Stevie Wonder

21. Children should be seen and not…

spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed…

get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you…

see on the picture box.

24. When the blind lead the blind…

get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand…

is going to poop on you.

26. Better late than…

pregnant (our personal favorite!).

Before our kids get there we hear about those annoying teenage years and tend to minimize them until suddenly, we are smack dab in the middle of it all. True, some teens seem to sail through those years virtually problem-free and give us little to worry about. But many of them will put us through the ringer on and off for several years. If you’re one of those going through it now, take heart, you’re not alone. Hormones, brain development, and changes in their bodies and what’s expected of them all contribute.

In many ways they are going to have to go through whatever it is that they are going to have to go through. It’s simply their own personal passage through a challenging time in their lives. And the vast majority will come through it fine. But as it’s happening, parents often feel left out (or thrown out) and their feelings get hurt. It’s inevitable.

“How could this be happening to me?” you might wonder. The sunny kid who used to love to hang out with you as you cooked dinner or shuffled through late afternoon paperwork and emails now wants nothing more than to head to his room the minute he gets home from school.

At dinner he may not want to say too much or, on the other hand, he may have plenty to say — mostly about how uninformed, out-of-date, and downright wrong you are about everything! The eyes roll, the head shakes back and forth, the smirks multiply, and you can’t understand any of it.

At this point, some parents are so desperate to reclaim the warm, comfortable relationship they once shared with their child that they decide to do whatever it takes to keep the peace and coax him or her back into their lives. The distance feels too scary and they figure that they better fix things fast or things will never get better.

Then the bribes and the payoffs begin. Does any of this sound familiar?

“Honey, I think you need a car now that you have your license. You’ve got things to do and places to go. So…. we bought you one! Isn’t that great?” (And aren’t we soooo nice? How can you be mean to us when we give you so much?)

“You can decide when to come home, just try not to make it too late.” (See how understanding and laid back we are?)

“Sure, you can take your dinner up to your room if you want. But will you please bring your plate down when you’re finished?” (We get that you need space and privacy. We’re not pushing!)

“Look at this iphone I got for you! Now you can call me or text me all the time.”(Can’t you just think of me as your friend? And can you believe how generous I am?)

“Your grades were really bad but if you promise to try harder we won’t take away any of your privileges.”(We know you must be upset about this and we don’t want to stress you more. Plus, we remember how boring school was and know how smart you are.)

“Your friend’s mother just called and said that you were smoking pot in her basement. You shouldn’t do that.” (End of story. Kids will be kids, no big deal).

“Yes, you and your friends can have some beer upstairs but take it easy and don’t let anyone drive.” (Can you believe how cool we are? I’ll bet your friends’ parents aren’t this hip).

Other parents decide to meet fire with fire and begin to withdraw themselves. “Two can play at this game,” they might think. “If he isn’t going to talk to me, then I’m not going to talk to him, either.” Sometimes these parents end up regressing to adolescents themselves and spend a good part of the day fighting with their kid like he’s a sibling. Then things escalate and can get very ugly, very fast.

For some kids, things can get seriously off track during the adolescent years.** And when that happens, most parents will try hard to help their child sort things out. But if he remains stubbornly uncooperative, many parents will feel like throwing in the towel. “Fine!” they might say. “You’re so smart, you figure it out. I’m done!”

I totally understand how hard this stage can be. I’ve got three kids. I’ve been there. I know that those teenagers can drive you to the brink and leave you there at times. But before you decide to write him off, I want you to consider a couple of things that may help you hang on for a while longer:

1. Don’t take their attitude and unkind words personally. This is a big one. It’s very difficult to not be hurt at times by the things they say. But you have to remember that they know you incredibly well and they know every single one of your buttons. Often when they get all up in your grill, they are just trying to get a reaction and they are really, really good at it! Understand though, that their job is to individuate and separate from you and it’s hard on them, too. Bad behavior, unfortunately, is one of the ways they struggle to do this. So keep your cool and don’t take the bait.

Think of it this way — it’s an opportunity for you to grow into a new stage of maturity yourself, one that features patience, understanding and calm. And don’t forget, this stuff goes on in all families all over the world and has for generations on end. It’s really not about you. It is a developmental stage which means it’s normal, as normal as your two year old saying “No” to anything and everything.

2. Stay in the parental role. Sure they often seem to know what they are doing and they go to great lengths to convince you that they do. Don’t believe it for a moment. They have one foot in the adult world and one foot in the kid world. They may look like adults and sometimes sound like adults but between you and me, they are acting the part more than anything.

My son, for example, had almost convinced me that he had it all under control when it came time to fly home after his first semester at college. When I reminded him to make sure that his flight was still scheduled and on time the night before, he became downright incensed. “Mom! I’m not a baby! Geez, give me a break!” So I backed off. But the next day, on the way to the airport, he called his sister in a panic and asked her to check which airlines he was flying on. He had forgotten and was too embarrassed to call me. And this is a smart, capable 19 year-old. Later we all had a good laugh but it only proves my point.

Remember, they still need structure, rules, expectations, chores, and all that other good stuff. They are not fully cooked yet. So educate yourself on adolescence. Get a good book and find out what is normal and what to expect. And if you find that you are really struggling, get help. The adolescent stage of the family life cycle is the #1 time when people go into therapy. Parents as well as kids. So you see, it’s not just you. And please, resist the urge to hold on to them by becoming a Best Friend Parent or a whiny adolescent yourself. You’re the grown up here and you have to step up, hopefully without the help of illicit drugs or Dr. Phil moving in.

3. Don’t give up. This is the big one. The teenage hellion you see standing before you is not the finished product. He will change a LOT by the time he reaches the early twenties. His brain is going through all sorts of changes and he will get there. Once he does, you’ll get him back. In the meantime, your job is to get him safely through these tumultuous times in one piece. He so needs you to stand by him and be his rock, regardless of how awful he behaves.

And just think, one day he will probably have children of his own. Payback will come and you will be able to watch it in living color. Then when he asks, “Was I ever like this?” You can smile and say, “Gosh, honey, I can’t remember” and then get in your car and go home.

**Some teens may slide into clinical depression and that’s something that needs immediate professional attention. If you have any doubts about whether his behavior is over the line, check it out right away with your pediatrician.

Dear Mamas,

My in-laws (who I like) want to have my 2 kids to their house for Christmas Day. I am divorced and my ex-husband is going to be there with many of his family members, including my kids’ cousins. It’s not in our agreement to do this and I am mad that he is asking this (even though the invite came from my in-laws). I wanted to spend the day with them myself although to be honest I hadn’t really planned much. If I let them go will my husband think he can take advantage of me in the future? He’s not a bad guy at all, we just are different people.

Thanks and i know this is really late. Hope you can answer fast.

Sandi

Dear Sandi,

This is a tough one if you just look at what’s going on between you and your ex. It sounds like you suspect he got his parents to call for him so you would be more inclined to say yes. But maybe they just really wanted to spend some time with their grandchildren and decided to throw caution to the wind and see what you would say. Grandparents are often the silent victims when couples divorce because they lose access to their grandkids and are often devastated by this loss. Kids may also take the loss of time and contact with their grandparents hard.

In a situation like this, the main ones to consider are your children. What do you think they would want to do if given the chance and didn’t feel pressured to take sides? They may really want to see their grandparents/Dad/aunts/uncles/cousins and celebrate Christmas with them. Unfortunately, they may feel like they are betraying you if they say so. It’s a difficult place to be and they need to know you’re on board before they can feel comfortable about going.

If, after considering things from their perspective, you feel like it might be a nice thing for them to do, swallow your pride, talk to your ex and get his thoughts on the situation. If he agrees that it would be fun for them, ask them if they would like to go. Just make sure you don’t cue them in any way to feel sorry for you and stay home out of a sense of loyalty or concern for you.

Or, on the other hand, you could have your in-laws call them and extend the invitation themselves. This is, of course, assuming that it’s okay with you. If it is, maybe you can plan a fun way to celebrate Christmas Eve with them so they get special holiday time with all of you. The main thing is to make sure that they don’t get put in the middle of a tug-of-war between you and your ex.

Holidays pose one of the most difficult challenges for divorced families with kids. It’s so important to remember that they didn’t have any control over whether you and their father stayed together and, as a result, their feelings should take precedence here. That’s not to say that yours aren’t important. They are but you have choices and power in the situation and they don’t. They need you to remember how important family holidays are when you’re a kid.

The key, I think, is flexibility because even though you may have an agreement that works well on paper, things change and you have to adapt. Just remember that if the situation were reversed, you could be the one to miss out on sharing a special family party or event with your kids simply because it wasn’t in the agreement. Not a good way to live.

Going forward, I would encourage you to do some counseling with your ex. Make it your goal to clear out any residual marital or custody issues so they don’t interfere with your kid’s ability to enjoy both families and all the holidays to come, guilt-free.

I hope you can work things out and experience some the joy and peace that the season brings.

At the same time, it’s also the case that many a holiday season has been ruined (for children especially) by a little too much holiday cheer.

There, I said it. It’s true. And although wine, bubbly and a bit of the nog are often considered to be an integral part of a holiday celebration, it’s important to consider what kind of a norm you are setting, now that you’re a mother. Yes indeed, life has changed in this way, too.

It might not have hit you yet, but you’ve now got an audience of little folk taking mental notes on party behavior. Yours, that is. They really do learn by watching, and you and your spouse are their favorite show.

Professionally, I’ve seen many times how high the toll of alcohol abuse is on children and know that those memories of “parents acting badly” don’t go away any time soon. They can leave emotional scars, a distaste for holiday gatherings, and paradoxically, a belief that alcohol is needed to have a good time.

Luckily, there are ways to counteract this unpleasant scenario and make sure that “adults getting drunk” isn’t part of your family’s holiday tradition. So as the party season gets going, here are a few simple things to keep in mind when kids are around:

• Make sure you always have plenty of non-alcoholic beverages to offer guests, too. We buy cases of sparkling cider during the holidays and offer it to adults and children alike in champagne flutes that only get used at parties. The kids get the message that it is the “special glasses” and cider that comes out with the party, too, not just the booze.
• Let them see you choose the non-alcoholic drink now and then. This shows them that alcohol is not the only adult beverage choice and that drinking is not the only normal adult party behavior.
• Keep in mind that there may be a few problem drinkers or people who are trying to cut down among your guests. If alcohol is all that is offered, they may feel pressured into drinking in order to avoid standing out. Peer pressure continues into adulthood! Make the offer, “Would you like some sparkling cider, or a glass of wine, or some (non-alcoholic) Holiday Punch?” instead of, “The bar is over there.” And don’t just keep it coming all night long. When asking a guest if they would like a refill, say “Can I get you anything else? A little more wine, or maybe some sparkling water with lime?” instead of just the wine.
• Remember to have coffee and tea available after dinner. Announce it and serve it. This can signal the end of the drinking and show your kids that serving alcohol during the party has a beginning and an end.

I’m not saying that alcohol doesn’t have a place at parties or in society. If you can SHOW your children how to use it responsibly and in moderation, you will be doing a lot to prepare them for adolescence and adulthood.

The sad news is that they will be invited to imbibe before they get through middle school. If they have a template of how to party without a focus on drinking, they will be empowered to make a healthy choice when the time comes. By then, your words won’t pack much of a punch if your actions over the years have been saying something different in a very loud voice.

But my fun didn’t last long. Within minutes of arriving I found myself face-to-face with a young mom and her child who was about three. She was harried and hurried and trying hard to pick out some decorations. Her son, being a normal kid trapped in a store with a bunch of people and an endless supply of bright, beautiful Christmassy objects, was not going along with her attempts to make him stand still and just look.

The only words that spilled from her mouth were Dont. Touch. That. Over and over again. I mean, this was really all she was saying. Loudly. And of course, he was having none of it. Who could blame him? Given his age, the situation was nearly impossible for him to manage in the way he was being asked to.

And, unfortunately, the way she chose to deal with his inability to obey her made the whole thing much worse. Instead of cutting her losses and leaving or making an effort to distract or engage him (“Let’s pick out a really pretty one for Grandma. What colors do you think she would like?”) the ineffective Don’t. Touch That. mantra soon morphed into a much louder Stop-that-I-mean-it-I-am-going-to-take-you-out-of-here-in-one-minute-if-you-dont-behave-did-you-hear-what-I just-said chorus accompanied by a lot of pulling, grabbing and scowling. Hysterical crying followed and a full-fledged meltdown (for both) ensued.

I had to walk away, it was that painful. And sad, because I know she didn’t realize how unfair the whole thing was or how she had set them both up to fail. Or how these early Christmas memories can contribute to a general sense of unease about the season when that child grows up. The specific memory may be forgotten but the general bad feeling may remain. So much stress! No wonder so many people hate the holidays.

It was a disaster and my heart went out to both of them. Such an unnecessary mess that could have (should have) been avoided or, at the very least, minimized had this mom understood a little more about what she could reasonably expect from a three-year-old and worked from there. Yes, of course she should be able to go out and shop and dawdle a bit over the ornaments if she wants to.  But she cannot expect a young child to have the patience or impulse control to stand-still-and-not-touch for more than a couple of minutes when he’s surrounded by row after row of glittery Christmas decorations that beg to be picked up. Maybe when he’s 7, but certainly not now.

So what should she have done? What could she have done? Simple: Plan better. One of the hallmarks of good parenting is to develop the ability to be one step ahead of the game. Since things are constantly changing in the life of a mother with kids, you have to really work at being both flexible and prepared. And you have to understand the constraints of any given age. So if, for example, you want to spend 30 minutes shopping with a pre-schooler in a store where everything in sight (and reach) is both breakable and irresistible, you have to approach said outing with the planning and precision of a Navy Seal Operation. It’s got to be down-to-the-minute and include a highly choreographed back-up plan if unexpected circumstances arise.

Yeah, yeah I realize that you like to be spontaneous every now and then. Just understand that you may pay a heavy price for the privilege. So what are some of the specific tactics that she could have employed? Here are a few:

1. SIDESTEP THE WHOLE THING

She could have planned a babysitting trade in advance with a friend who also has kids. They could have exchanged three hours of child care so each could do some holiday prep alone, untethered to strollers, car seats, and little hands that must be held. Then they would be able to shop in peace (well, relative peace anyway) maybe grab a coffee, and not risk creating the giant melt-downs, hurt feelings and bad moods that might otherwise pop up.

2. BE PREPARED

First of all, know what you are dealing with. Get a good book on child development but read only about your child’s current age with a buffer of 4-6 months on either side. Knowing the basics of what he can and cannot be expected to do will save you (and him) hours of unpleasantness and countless headaches. And always keep these outings as short and sweet as possible.

If you MUST bring your little guy into that store you could put him in a stroller and have a bunch of things ready to dole out as needed to keep him entertained and occupied. It’s a good idea to keep some favorite toys that are small enough to easily transport unavailable except when you know you are going to need a fool-proof distraction. We had a GameBoy for this purpose. It only came out during times when one had to be still and quiet for a longish period of time like taking a flight or sitting backstage during an older sibling’s play practice while I was helping with make-up or costumes. Obviously, the toy must be age-specific but you get the picture.

Snacks help too, as does a favorite blanket and pacifier. You can also choose one non-breakable, soft decoration (stuffed santa, for example) early on and let him play with that while you explore the breakable stuff. Make sure it’s a cheapie and be prepared to buy it if it gets drooled on or damaged in any way.

3. WORK WITH HIS SCHEDULE

Again, it’s all about setting realistic expectations. If the stores will be most empty the moment they open and that’s also the time of day when little dude is least likely to get crabby, plan to zip in and out then. But if that’s just about the time he normally takes a nap, don’t expect him to be able to go above-and-beyond when he is tired and out of sorts.

In essence, the real key here is to plan and prepare and be willing to cut your losses and leave if things get ugly. It’s the best and easiest way to create a successful outcome for you both. And just remember that these early years with your little one will fly by and before you know it, he will be in school, and you will have much more flexibility with your schedule. But until then, choose to be the smart, happy mom instead of the crazed, out-of-control one. Please?