Tone Your Effectiveness Muscles

When it comes to taking a perfectly rational, kind-hearted mother and effortlessly turning her into a wild-eyed, shrieking shrew, no one can hold a candle to the kid she calls her own. There is something almost mystical about the ability of our own offspring to pull off this bit of magic. They rock at it, especially once they hit the pre-teen and adolescent years.

All it takes is a tired mom, a long day, a smart-alecky, uncooperative or disobedient kid who’s relentlessly rattling your cage and bingo, you’re in business! Other times, a smart, sarcastic string of remarks from Junior’s mouth after he’s gotten a well-deserved reprimand can do the trick faster than you can say spit.

Next thing you know you’re on the warpath throwing out ridiculous, over-the-top punishments that you know you cannot enforce. They are just that good! It’s actually kind of impressive when you think about it…

We’ve all been there — or will be — for sure. Just give it a few more years if you haven’t had the experience yet. Seems like it’s just part and parcel to being a parent but here’s the rub: the moment you find yourself sputtering incoherently like an idiot and making wild threats, you’ve lost the battle and your ability to be effective as a parent. It’s kind of like being caught center stage with your pants down on opening night. It doesn’t bode well for how seriously you will be taken in your all-important role as mother and teacher going forward.

It sucks, I know. But just in case you’ve fallen into this routine, I’m here to tell you that you can turn this bad habit on its head and turn yourself back into the calm, effective mother you want to be. It’s truly important that you do. Why? Because your kid needs to know that when he gets out of line or gets himself into trouble, you are going to be right there assessing the damage, pointing out why it was wrong and helping him to understand that bad behavior results in consequences that fit the crime.

That’s how he learns and eventually becomes able to control himself and make better choices.  Screaming at the top of your lungs and grounding him until he’s out of high school doesn’t really send the right message — or work — even though it feels great in the moment.

He gets more upset, you get more upset and that golden moment when you can truly get his attention and have impact passes. The reality is that you cannot get through to your child when he is upset and he cannot take you seriously when you are beyond rational. It’s that simple.

So the next time you hear your voice start to climb to an ever higher, louder pitch and notice that your hands are shaking, your knuckles are turning white, and there is drool coming out of your mouth, STOP talking and do one of the following things:

1. Fake a sudden, desperate need to pee and run to the bathroom. Stay in there with the door shut and locked while you run cold water over your hands, count to 50 slowly, and BREATHE. Remind yourself that you are the parent and have to get yourself back into a reasonable state of mind for everyone’s sake. Otherwise the cold war with Junior might go on for hours-to-days, feelings will get very hurt, and he won’t learn a thing. Go back to your child and give it another shot now that you are cool, calm and collected.

2. Walk into another room and sit down. Take a breath or two and try to relax. Explain that you need to take a few minutes to calm down before you say another word.

3. Tell him that you are very angry and need to calm down and think about this before you talk any more. Send him to his room and tell him to do the same. Call him back in once you have your breath and balance back and explain why you were so angry and how things can be different in the future. Make sure you listen to what he has to say calmly. You may have to fake this part, but do it anyway and try your best.

Always remember to apologize if you have fallen victim to name-calling or said anything that smacked of an attack on his character or that you really didn’t mean.

Remind yourself that he is a child (or adolescent) and that he is bound to make a lot of mistakes before he’s grown. And take a minute to remind yourself that you are only human and entitled to make your own mistakes, as well. The difference, of course, is that you have to be the one to stay calm, set the example and lead the way, even when you feel like your head is going to explode. Trust me, it won’t.