Make ‘Em Pay!

One August evening when the leaves had just started to turn and the air had taken on that hint of crisp coolness that signals the end of summer, my family gathered for a little party. Our oldest child was going off to college for the first time the next day and we had planned a special dinner in his honor. It was just the five of us and we all felt a mixture of excitement and sadness at the thought of his leaving.

We were munching away on his favorite appetizers while dinner cooked when our young man pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it over to my husband and me. Before we had a chance to open it, he announced that it contained over $4,000.00 in cash, the sum total of what he had earned as a lifeguard and swim teacher throughout the summer. This was to be his contribution to his first year of college, basically 10% of his expenses.

I will never forget the look of pride on his face and the tone of appreciation in his voice as he offered us his hard-earned money. He knew, he said, how hard he had worked to cover his part of the bill and couldn’t imagine what it would take to come up with the rest. He hadn’t really realized how expensive college was and thanked us profusely for covering the bulk of his expenses. You can’t buy a moment like that. It was big for us all, but for him, it marked a change in his ability to see himself as a more powerful person — someone competent and capable, someone who could make things happen for himself.

But this magical moment didn’t come out of nowhere. It had been years in the making. My husband and I had always believed that it was important for our kids to learn from an early age that life is expensive and that they would be expected to help pay their way. So right off the bat, they were encouraged to save their pennies.

Early on, the trendy Bedazzler that my daughter craved had to be saved up for over a period of months. Another time, a choice had to be made between the Shark Beanie Baby and a couple packs of Magic Cards. Later, when they started oooh-ing and awww-ing about some ski trip or fantastic adventure they were planning with friends over school breaks, we innocently asked how they were going to fund it. Many (most) of those impulsive ideas never materialized. Costs were always discussed and even when we footed the bill, we let them know loud and clear that it was a gift they were receiving and they needed to appreciate it.

When it came time to drive, we warned them that they would have to pay for gas and any tickets they got, along with any increases in insurance that came as a result. When the first one banged the car into the fence because he was fiddling with the radio instead of watching the road (!!), he found out how expensive those lapses in judgement can be. It took a while to pay that one off, but he did — and became a more careful driver.

Same thing with college. We let them know early on that we hoped they would all go to college when they got older. But we explained that it was very expensive and that we expected them to help pay for it. Long before they were studying for the SAT’s, they knew they would have to come up with 10% of their tuition, room, and board before classes began each fall.

My youngest, the one who has always had a good head for money, started to get his fund going right away. And by the time he started college last fall, he had already socked away enough to cover his first two years.

Believe me, it didn’t always work out as nicely as all this sounds. It was (and is) a process. Lessons are learned over time and some of them come the hard way.  A semester abroad brought a bunch of credit card bills that had to be sorted out later along with unpleasant lectures and a re-payment schedule. Money they have earned has been spent foolishly at times and we have been left shaking our heads and offering words of caution that we know they didn’t listen to. But we always felt it was our job to offer them just the same.

Some of our friends have been critical of our approach. They feel that it is the parent’s responsibility to pay for their child’s education and provide for all their wants and needs until they grow up. Some see it as a bad reflection on themselves if they don’t make sure their children get what they want. I don’t agree.

While I do want my children to have safe, comfortable lives, I don’t think that’s enough. I feel that it’s just as important to uncover their strengths for them, to show them how competent and capable they are, and to give them the motivation to step up and make meaningful investments in themselves and their lives.

Knowing that they are expected to make a financial contribution is, in a way, a high compliment. It proves to them that they are seen as valuable and resourceful members of the family. It helps them to understand the value of a dollar and truly “get” how hard it is to come by. It definitely helps them value their education more and promotes feelings of self respect and maturity.

So at the end of the day, I like what we have done with the money thing. It has been hard sometimes to set those expectations and stick to them when it would be much easier to cover the costs ourselves (whatever they are) and forget about it. But I know that they have become industrious young people who like to work and know they can. And once again, in just a couple weeks, I get to see the big smile and bright, shining eyes of my youngest kid as he proudly hands over the dough before packing his bags and making his way back to school.

I swear, you can’t beat that feeling.