Grab The Bull(y) By The Horns!

Dear Mamas,

I am freaked out because my almost four-year-old (Jack) who has always loved going to pre-school won’t go. When I tell him it’s time to go he starts crying and refuses. A week or so ago he came home talking about a boy named Jeremy who (apparently) hit him. This boy has also hit other kids according to my son. I called the teacher and she said that she would keep a careful watch going forward.

That’s fine but she can’t keep an eye out if he doesn’t go! The regular session is over now but I had signed my son up for an additional 2 week session. Jeremy is not signed up which is good. How do I get him to go back?? Should I force him or just take him out of school till next year?

Erica

Dear Erica,

Such a great question and a pretty common situation. It’s always alarming when a child who has previously been enthusiastic about school suddenly refuses to go. It is definitely something you need to pay attention to, which you have. I’m assuming that you have ruled out any other problems there besides that one boy.

If it is a bullying situation, you want to nip it in the bud. There are things you, as the mother, need to do but there are also things that your son needs to do, too. He’s growing by the minute and needs to start learning how to deal with things that happen to him. But first off, you need more information and a definite plan of action so here is what I am going to suggest:

1. Consult

Call the teacher again and let her know that things have taken a turn for the worse and that you need her help. Don’t point fingers, don’t get mad. Your job is to get her to be your ally. Explain that you have been trying to figure out why Jack is so upset and that the only thing that comes to mind is his story about getting hit. Ask if she knows of anything else that could be going on.

Assuming that there isn’t anything else happening, find out whether they have addressed the hitting with Jeremy. Find out what the school’s policy is on hitting – most likely they have rules against it and enforce a time-out for those who break the rule but you want her to lay it out for you.

Ask if they remind the children regularly about the rule and whether they help the children learn other ways of expressing anger etc. I’m pretty sure she will say yes to all of the above. Let her know you think that’s great and that you would like to reinforce that information with you son.

2. Reassure

Then, since it is very powerful for kids to hear their parent and teacher problem-solving together on issues that concern them, ask if she would be willing to help you reassure Jack that he is safe at school. See if she would be willing to play along with an idea you had about how to do that. Then suggest that the two of you have a pre-scripted, casual talk about the hitting in front of Jack.

If she’s on board, say you want Jack to hear the two of you talk about the incident and get the message loud and clear that hitting is not okay, school is safe and that problems will be handled when they come up. (Obviously you will need to make sure that she agrees with you on this!)

Then, go to school a little early or hang around until most of the kids have left when you pick him up. Or, drop by to “pick something up” with Jack when school is not in session. Just make sure that Teacher is in on the plan and is not distracted, too busy or unable to focus in on the conversation when you start talking.

Once all systems are go, your conversation can go something like this (remember to keep your language simple and clear since the intended audience is not quite four!):

YOU: Hi Teacher Sandi. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute. Jack had mentioned to me that there is a little boy who has been hitting some of the children and I wanted to know if you were aware of that because that’s not good.

TEACHER: Yes, Erica, I have heard that. I understand that Jeremy hit a few children and we have talked to him about it and we are going to make sure that it doesn’t keep happening because we do not allow hitting at school.

YOU: I’m really glad that you don’t allow hitting at school because hitting is not nice and we don’t like it. What should a child do if someone hits him?

TEACHER: He should tell one of the teachers right away. He should never be afraid to let us know if someone is doing something to hurt him in any way. We don’t like that and we don’t allow that.

YOU: That’s great to hear, Teacher Sandi. Did you hear that Jack? Teacher Sandi said that they don’t allow hitting here and that if anyone hits you or anyone else, you have to tell them right away so they can help.

Later you can talk more about it with Jack and say again that you are so happy that the school doesn’t allow hitting and that it’s really important to tell the teacher if anyone hits.

3. Empower

Next thing to do is teach your son how to handle himself when someone tries to hit him. Yes, he needs to report it but he also needs to know what to do and say to the kid who hits him, right then and there. Through role playing with Jack you can give him the skills he needs to feel confident about being at school.

Take turns being the “hitter” and the “hittee” so he can learn from you what to do and say. Get detailed! Show him how to make a very angry face and how to use a strong, loud voice to say, “Stop it! We don’t hit.”

Once he has a plan of his own, he will feel stronger and hopefully more comfortable about heading out to that playground. He has to learn how to stand up for himself but he needs the tools to do so. Keep talking and keep listening. As you can see, there’s work for both of you with this one. Good luck!