Word To Your Mother

The new baby is on the way — and so is your mother (or mother-in-law). Will her visit be just one more thing to deal with or the kind of gift that money can’t buy? It all depends.

You may be one of the lucky ones who has a perfect relationship with your mom and are impatiently counting the days until she arrives.

I’m sure there’s at least one of you out there! More likely though, you are one of the millions of others whose relationship is a little more complicated. And odds are you are secretly (or not so secretly) worrying about how it’s going to go.

Your mom might be worrying, too. It’s not easy to walk into someone’s home when the stress level is off the charts and know what to do. Some grandmas decide that the best approach to dealing with the chaos is to simply take charge and start barking orders at everyone in sight.

Others, who fear stepping on anyone’s toes, hang back and take a too-submissive role that leaves the new parents struggling to find ways to keep her occupied. Either way, the well-intentioned visit is likely to create a whole bunch of additional stress that you do not need.

So, what to do? Well, before you decide to just suck it up and let the chips fall where they may, you might want to give some thought to how you can actually set the tone and the expectations ahead of time. If you do, it could really help your helper to feel comfortable and clear about what is and isn’t needed.

Let’s face it: asking for what we want is hard for most of us. But if we ever want to get it, we have to learn how to ask for it in such a way that it becomes possible. So as your family grows from one to two to three and beyond, you’d be wise to start practicing, because this mama-job ain’t gonna get any easier and you’re going to need help.

That’s why I’ve created this snazzy little questionnaire. The trick will be to fill it out and get it to that potentially life-saving person you call mom (or sis or auntie or best friend) before she starts packing her bags and heading to your place. Most likely she really does want to help but she can’t read your mind. So if you don’t open your mouth and tell her how, the end result may look more like mashed bananas on the ceiling instead of that warm and fuzzy family memory you were hoping for.

So here’s what you can do: read and fill out the questionnaire below. Be brave! Then send it to your mom* with a note that says something like:

“Hi Mom,

I saw this questionnaire online and took the liberty of filling it out. I know you really do want to help when you come so I thought you might like this info in advance. Take a look and then we can talk about it. It’s just a guide but this way maybe we can plan ahead and reduce the amount of chaos that the new baby will create. I’m so grateful to you for coming!

Thanks in advance for everything!”

(*You can also be a good friend and send it to any grandmothers-to-be who you know. You may eventually be sainted for this.)

___________________________________________________________________________

Hi Honey,

I’m so excited to visit when the baby arrives! I want to make sure that my stay is truly helpful though, and since we might have different ideas about what that means, I’m sending you this questionnaire. Please be honest! Fill it out, send it back, and then we can really enjoy this experience together!

Love, Mom

1. When should I come?

a. A few days before the due date

b. As soon as you go in to labor

c. While you are in the hospital

d. After you have come home

e. other_________

2. How long should I stay?

a. 3-4 days

b. a week

c. other __________

3. What’s the most important thing that you want me to help you with?

4. What’s the one thing you do not need help with?

5. Would you like me to…

a. Cook? If yes, which meals – breakfast, lunch, dinner?

b. Should I bring my own recipes?

c. Do light housekeeping?

d. Do laundry?

e. Grocery shop?

f. Take the baby for a few hours each morning so you can shower, sleep, take a walk etc.?

g. Drive the other kids to school?

h. Take the baby for an hour or so in the evening so you can have some alone time with your husband?

i. Answer the phone and take messages for you?

j. other_____________________

6. Should I take care of the other kids while you care for the baby?

7. If yes, what would be most helpful?

a. Getting them dressed and out the door to school

b. Bathing them at night and helping them brush their teeth

c. Playing board games, doing homework or watching a favorite video

d. other_______________

8. Should I discipline my other grandchildren if they are getting too rambunctious or is it best to let you do that?

9. If you want me to discipline, will you show me how you do it so they don’t get confused by a different approach?

10. Anything else I can do to show you how proud I am and how much I want to support you through this wonderful but challenging time??