Moms Gone Wild

A few days ago the mother of two teens in Tampa, Florida shot and killed them because, she said, she was tired of them mouthing off. The woman shot her son twice in the head in the family car on the way to soccer practice, then drove home and shot her daughter in the face as she sat at the computer.

The teens’ father, an Army officer, is deployed in the Middle East.

An Alaska mom of 6 admitted on national TV (complete with video) to pouring hot sauce into the mouth of her adopted 7-year-old as punishment for misbehaving at school and lying to her about it. The technique is called “hot saucing”. Immediately after, she placed him in an icy cold shower.

She told Dr. Phil about the unsuccessful discipline methods she’s tried in the past, including spankings and forcing him to do jumping jacks until he’s exhausted. A lawyer for the family says ”Nothing this mother has done is criminal. If you give your child food that has hot sauce on it – maybe they eat Mexican food – does that mean it’s child abuse?”

These stories probably contain more differences than they do similarities. But both headlines represent a frightening and ominous condition in this country that’s becoming more and more obvious. This isn’t just the stuff of mommy confessions (which was the title of the Dr. Phil segment); that sort of edgy “I’m a hip, new brand of mom who serves martinis at playgroup” trend . This is anger and violence directed at children, and I guarantee you the kids’ behavior didn’t cause it.

I’m not exaggerating when I say these stories scare the hell out of me. As a mother, as a pediatrician, and as a child advocate, I’m horrified by the drumbeat of brutality against our young that is becoming more and more commonplace.

Does anyone remember Caylee Anthony? She’s the toddler who was (allegedly – I know I have to say that) killed by her mother, Casey … a women who, by all appearances, is NOT a victim of mental illness, but of self-absorption in the first degree. Her trial is scheduled to begin in May, but does anyone even care, now that the story has grown stale and less tabloid-worthy?

Penelope Leach, of hugely successful child development and parenting advice fame, asks us to ponder this:

“When a big kid hits a little kid on the playground, we call him a bully; five years later he punches a woman for her wallet and is called a mugger; later still, when he slugs a fellow worker who insults him, he is called a troublemaker, but when he becomes a father and hits his tiresome, disobedient or disrespectful child, we call him a disciplinarian. Why is this rung on a ladder of interpersonal violence regarded so differently from the rest?”

Why would anyone choose to intentionally hurt the life they created (or chose to care for through adoption)? Why do we treat our most vulnerable and precious like animals or criminals?

Pardon my irreverence, but I daresay it represents the family version of SH*T ROLLS DOWNHILL. We grownups are angry. We’re really pissed off. We feel out-of-control and disenfranchised. Our incomes are shrinking (if not vanishing) and our burdens are mushrooming.

But who can we take it out on? Our leaders clearly are helpless. Even those who are doing their best face a brick wall of corruption and wealthy self-interest. We feel we have no access, and that our votes don’t count for much at all.

So we prey on the weakest, and they are our kids. Read that sentence again, folks. We prey on our kids.

When I was in medical school we had a saying … “Doctors eat their young”. Those in the educational hierarchy above tend to torture and abuse those below, because they were tortured and abused. The same is true in families. An overwhelming majority of adults who harm children were themselves victims of harm.

And so it’s a vicious (and I mean vicious) cycle of the damaged succumbing to the piling on of stresses and pressures of everyday life and taking it out on their young. Then we add the 24/7 media obsession with all things sensational and voila! 15 minutes of fame takes on a whole new meaning. The headlines du jour become more and more extreme, and we’re all fascinated. For awhile, anyway.

What can we do to turn this around and stop our babies from being brutalized? How can we stop pretending to be a child-centered nation and actually become one? When will we shine as big a spotlight on cherishing our children once they’re here as we do on protecting embryos before they’re born?

I don’t claim to have the answers, but this I know:

We must stop giving endless voyeuristic attention to every example of messed-up, destructive parenting that comes down the pike. This means you Octomom, Tiger Mom, and every other prefix-Mom who wants to sell books or grab a spot on Dancing With the Stars.

Toddlers in Tiaras should be as reprehensible as child porn. It is virtually identical.

We have to hold the best interests of the child above the personal rights of adults, even though kids don’t have credit cards and can’t vote. Grownups who hurt children, while they may retain their legal right to due process, should never have the opportunity to do it again. Parenting is a privilege, not a right.

Treating children harshly, not to mention with physical cruelty, must be at least as frowned-upon and socially unacceptable as urinating in public, openly criticizing religion, or getting drunk at the office holiday party. Those who do it should be shunned and ostracized, even as we offer them the treatment and education they need to change their behavior.

Bottom line, we need a cultural shift. One that guarantees it’s more shocking when children are treated badly than when your favorite contestant is voted off American Idol.