Am I Too Mean?

Dear Mamas,

My brother’s children, ages 4 and 6, are coming to stay with me and my family for a few days while he and his wife go to help her mother following surgery. He is a lot more “liberal” with the rules than I am  (no bedtime, etc.). I want to continue to use the same rules with my own kids when their cousins are around but am afraid I will get protests if I do. How do I parent them if I’m not their parent and my style is so different from what they are used to?

Thanks!

Liz

Fantastic question! I hear your concern and want to reassure you that you have every right to keep to your own ways of doing things once they come. They are guests in your house and as a result need to follow your rules.

But just to make sure that things get off to a good start, talk to your brother in advance. Let him know that you are really looking forward to spending time with the kids and delighted to be able to help him and your sister-in-law out. Then let him know that there is something that he can do for you. Explain that you would really appreciate it if he could let his children know that while they are visiting Aunt Liz they are going to have to do as she says.

You can tell him that it’s not a judgment call on your part, you just want to make sure that your kids don’t get confused by differences in how they are treated vs. how their cousins are treated. Given the fact that you are being such an angel it will be difficult for him to give you a hard time, which will work to your advantage!

Once the kids arrive, talk to them about your rules and your routines. You can say something like, “Hey guys, I know that at home you can choose your bedtime (or whatever) but here at our house the kids go to bed at 7:30 (or whatever is true). So that’s when you will go, too. It’s just the way we do things here and I want to thank you for helping me so much by following our rules.”

And then stick to your guns! Make sure you help them cooperate by giving them plenty of notice before you expect them to do anything that’s new for them and stay close to keep things moving along during bedtime preparations, etc. Also let them know of any other rules that are different and give them a lot of praise for cooperating. Keep it light and friendly and remember that they may be feeling a little vulnerable being away from their parents (in other words, you may want to cut them a little slack).

When mom and dad come home make a big deal about how well they behaved and how much they helped. After that they will love to come again and who knows, your brother may stand up and take notice, too. One can only dream!

In no way are you crossing any lines in laying it out like this in advance, so don’t feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong by ruling your roost they way you always do regardless of who comes to visit. For more on this subject check out My House, My Rules.

Good luck, mama!