Wake Up! Time’s A-Wasting.

A few weeks ago, Jane Fonda was on Oprah. Seems this icon of beauty and fitness has done a lot of soul searching lately as she’s moved into what she calls “the third act” of her life (she’s 71) and she was there to talk about the wisdom she has gained.

Although she had many interesting and insightful things to say, one thing in particular caught my attention and resonated deeply — it was about her years as a mother raising children. She talked about how “absent” she was when her children were young and growing and the effect it had on both her and her kids.

She wasn’t talking so much about being physically absent, but more about her emotional absence. It had never occurred to her then that she was missing out on an extraordinary and time-limited opportunity to connect with her children in a way that would nurture them and their sense of self for the rest of their lives.

Only recently, she said, had she begun to understand the importance that intimacy plays in a relationship. And as she has gotten older she has come to see that it has been missing from most of the important relationships she has had in her life, including her three marriages. She didn’t mean sex. She was talking about the ability to be open and real with the people we love.

It takes courage to do that. To be able to be our authentic selves and believe that people can accept us as we are is very difficult for most of us. The deep knowing that we are okay just as we are does not spring up on its own. It must be brought to life through loving care and attention from people who love us.

As she sifted through the contents of her life looking for the “why” of her inability to really let people in, she realized that it went back to her childhood. Sadly, Jane’s parents weren’t really “there” for her, either. They were caught up in their own lives and issues and didn’t recognize the importance of their full emotional presence in the lives of their children. Jane’s parents didn’t understand that their children needed a good strong relationship with THEM in order to be able to connect at a deep and real level with others as well.

Little children look to their mothers and fathers to find out who they are and what they’re worth. They learn to love and value themselves by having the experience of being loved and valued by their parents. It’s not so much about the quantity of time that a parent can give her child (although the more the better) it’s all about the quality. It’s all about how “present” we are able to be with our kids as they grow.

When we slow down to look into the eyes of our child when she is speaking to us and listen carefully to what she has to say before thoughtfully answering, we show her that we love her and care about what she is feeling and thinking. Our willingness to be there fully lets her know she matters. It also helps us build a strong, life-long relationship with her and deepens her ability to build strong intimate relationships with others, including her own children one day.

Those precious moments when our children look to us for nurturance and connection happen countless times throughout the day. But bringing our awareness to those moments is something we must mindfully practice or risk missing altogether. We can’t just show up. We have to own the moment and be willing to share it with our kids.

This is even harder to pull off today than it was in the past given the mushrooming of technology that begs our constant attention. Ipads, iphones, ipods, and all those other wonderful but addictive machines draw us away from the now of our time with our children. It takes real discipline to turn those things off and focus in on what’s happening right before our very eyes.

Today Jane is doing better. She is relishing the time she has with her young grandson and is no longer shying away from opening her heart to him and the others, including her now adult children, who matter in her life. It’s like a second chance for her and she’s taking it.

Good for you, Jane! Better late than never.