My In-Laws Are Guilt Tripping Us. Help!

Dear Mamas,

I’m wondering when it’s reasonable to think about trying to go away for a weekend alone with my spouse. I am the primary care-giver, and my husband works full-time. We have babysitters and local grandparents. I think our 18 month-old son is well-adjusted and has experience staying with other people and seeing us return after we leave him.

However, we’ve not yet spent a night away just the two of us. I’m starting to feel like I would like to do this. In fact, I’d like to build up to being able to accompany my spouse on a week-long business trip to Hawaii in August. We asked our son’s grandparents if they’d mind watching him overnight, and they indicated that they thought this – and especially my desire to go away without him for a week during the summer – was tantamount to child abuse and would leave “deep psychological scars.”

Obviously, I don’t want to give my son abandonment issues. I’m a first-time mom, so maybe I really don’t know what I’m doing. I also get that maybe the grandparents are hesitant to watch our son for an extended period of time, so maybe that’s the root of the problem here. I asked about that, though, and was told that they are, in fact, excited about watching him. But they also really felt that our son was so bonded to us that it would be traumatic for him to be without us, and that it was thus inappropriate for me to even think about wanting to leave him. For the record, I don’t think our son has abnormal separation issues at all; he’s a friendly, bubbly guy, sad sometimes when we leave, but quickly distracted with a toy or a story.

Can you offer some words of wisdom?

Thanks, Annie

Hi Annie,

Great question and one that is a little sticky, no? Your desire to get a break and spend some alone time with your husband is absolutely normal and healthy and there is no reason to think that Junior will suffer any long term damage. That’s assuming of course that you don’t leave him home alone with the dog or someone you found on Craig’s List.

But we know you wouldn’t do that! A weekend away is a great way to start. Being a parent goes on for the rest of your life so you need to know that you can get away once-in-a-while, despite what your in-laws have said. Here’s what you’ll need:

1. A super responsible babysitter who your baby knows well and who you trust explicitly. Make sure she is old enough to take the job very seriously and will follow your instructions to the tee. I recommend someone in their twenties, minimum. It’s a lot of responsibility and you want her to have a full tool box of childcare strategies and a lot of experience with babies.

2. A destination that’s not too far away so you can head back fast if a real problem develops. Probably good to avoid airplanes at this point, so look for a spot that will feel like you’ve escaped but is fairly close and is beautiful, romantic and fun!

3. An itinerary that begins early Saturday morning and ends Sunday evening. You may be surprised by how much you will miss your little one, even though at this point you can’t wait to get away. Two days and a night is not too much to ask of anybody, including your babe.

4. A very comprehensive schedule prepared for your sitter to follow. Make sure you include the names and phone numbers of the pediatrician, another adult or two who will be willing to help out in case of emergency, your hotel and cell numbers, etc. Also spell out the feeding, sleeping, diapering and bathing scenarios.

One of the most difficult things for new parents to negotiate is how to include their parents and in-laws into the new family without feeling intruded upon or pushed around. It can be intimidating because they have all that experience and you have none.

But don’t forget that you are the expert on your child (or, at least you’re working on it). No two parents operate exactly the same way and no two children are exactly alike either. Each is unique and reacts to things according to his own temperment and personality.

It sounds like your in-laws are being a little heavy-handed in their attempt to get you to follow their suggestions here. It’s great that they are so willing to be involved and offer their love and support but you need to be the one to decide how much input you want from them. A weekend away will not cause your child to suffer abandonment issues and planning for four or five days away in the summer is not an irresponsible thing to do. You need time with your spouse to continue deepening your relationship which will make your marriage stronger and will, in turn, make a happier family for your kids.

So go for it and if your in-laws are not on board then hire someone else but don’t make a big deal about it with them. They need to see that the two of you will listen to them respectfully, consider their advice but then make the call yourselves. And you can.

For more about this subject check out an earlier post that I wrote on this topic and also another about setting boundaries with your parents. Best of luck!

We love getting all of your questions and want to give you everything that our combined brains have to offer. So keep sending them in! But if you are looking for a more personal touch with lots more detail and follow up, please visit us at AskMamaEllen.com and Ask DrMama.com and find out how to get the royal treatment. You deserve it, Mamas!