My House, My Rules

Here they come — all those aunts and uncles and friends and neighbors stopping by to say “Happy Holidays” and toting their offspring with them. Sometimes they stay for an hour or two and sometimes they camp out for days to weeks. We love it (most of it) and look forward to seeing them and ringing in some holiday cheer together.

But sometimes it can feel like our turf has been invaded and we’ve lost complete control of the whole tamale, especially when the small fry visitors are not following the house rules or are putting out a little too much “tude” for our tastes. If their parents have made an art out of looking the other way or taken an oath to defend their child’s nasty behavior at all costs, a couple days can feel like a couple weeks and all that holiday cheer may end up going down the toilet.

Know what I’m talking about? I’ll bet you do! Many of us who grew up with even a semblance of training in the manners department turn into dazed and helpless idiots when our youngest guests behave like wild beasts and their parents stand passively by.

When the other parent ignores their child’s behavior or makes only a half-hearted attempt to get things back on track, sparks are likely to fly. We might not see it as our place to do the scoldin’ and it may come as a shock to realize that we actually must be the one to step in. Feelings of anger and resentment often accompany those awkward situations when no one seems to be in charge and kids are running wild. And unfortunately, many a friendship has been lost when it might have survived if only we had known what to do when the sh** hit the fan.

Since life would be lonely without your friends and families, it’s important to take stock (in advance) of how you want to handle things before “cute” little Jimmy lunges purposely at the dog (again) and she takes a bite out of his behind.

So, bottom line, mamas — what do you think?  Do you believe that you have the right to expect the kids who visit your home to toe the line and behave when they are there? And what do you do if they don’t?

Well, I’m going on the assumption that you know that of course you have the right to expect courtesy and compliance from the younger folk who hang out at your place. I sure as heck do. After all, it’s your home and a good guest will understand that it’s your call as to what flies and what doesn’t. That goes for the big people as well as the little people.

Good in theory, you might say, but how do you pull it off without sounding like a rude, intolerant witch yourself? The best way I’ve found is to make it clear from the get-go that you are going to take charge and speak directly to the child in question as soon as you sense that he or she is about to take things in the wrong direction.

If the official mom or dad gets on the child’s case right away, you can relax — you’re off the hook.  But don’t wait too long for the parent to step in and redirect their little monster for a few reasons: First of all, you have no idea what counts as “normal” at their house. Maybe jumping up and down on Mommy and Daddy’s bed is an everyday occurrence over there. Maybe eating dinner while running through the living room is a given. Maybe making a huge mess or breaking a couple of toys is viewed simply as “kids being kids” and elicits nothing more than a chuckle from that mom or dad.

You also don’t know whether this child tends to take his mom or dad seriously when they tell him what to do, or whether rules are more like suggestions in their house. It may be that Junior wears the pants in his family. Maybe he is seen as some kind of Prince at home and has been given every reason to believe that he is entitled to call the shots and do as he pleases.

But the last and perhaps most important reason for you to be the one to stand strong when hostile troops invade is because your own kids are watching the show and hanging on every crazy turn it takes. If you let some other kid get away with behavior that you would never tolerate from your own kids, you’re cooking your own goose, mama.

Your children will be confused about what’s okay and what’s not okay. Does Mom really mean business when she makes a rule, or is it negotiable depending on the circumstances? they might wonder. Or they may start to see you as a pushover and immediately begin plotting against you. Once they see that you can be brought to your knees by a 3-foot-tall intruder, your life may never be the same. Can’t you just hear it now? “But you let Annie eat under the table!”

So the bottom line is that if you want that unruly child to stop the shenanigans that are turning your household upside down you have to be the one to speak up. You have to take that first sign of going-nuts-behavior as your cue to take center stage and sing your song. And make sure he or she listens. Even if it’s way outside of your comfort zone to do so and even if the other parent gives you “a look.”

But don’t freak — there are lots of ways to make the point without causing hurt feelings. Of course the age of the child will dictate a lot of how you go about things and specifically what you say, but even with a pre-schooler you can expect cooperation and a good attitude as long as you make clear what those expectations are.

Say for example, your little two-and-a-half-year-old friend comes in and starts pulling out all the toys from the toy box and throwing them around. You could say something like, “Whoa, Harry we don’t do that in our house. Would you like to pick out one thing to play with? That would be fine and we’ll put all the other toys back in the toy box because we like to keep things organized. Can you help me put them back and then we’ll find a good one for you to play with?”

Now everyone (including the child’s parent) knows what your style is and what the expectation is. You’ve made it clear and if it happens again, you have to follow through the same way, as much to clue in the parent as the child.

Or what if your 8 year-old house guest has an attitude problem and makes a rude comment about the dinner you’ve so lovingly prepared? In other words, what if she says something like, “No way I’m eating THAT!” You can use a little humor tinged with sincerity and say something along the lines of, “Shoot, Cara! That hurt my feelings! I spent a lot of time cooking that for you, I hope you’ll be kind enough to try it.”

If Mom or Dad is standing by hopefully they will be appropriately shamed into letting their child know that she is being RUDE and that she must try it or quietly push it around on her plate like all the other kids for the last few hundred years have had to do.

Ever hear the expression “When in Rome do as the Romans do”? It may be a good time to introduce her, and her parents, to it.

Same thing goes for snotty language. A simple, “Oh, gee, Andy I forgot to tell you. We don’t use that kind of language at our house. We don’t swear or say mean words like “stupid” or “idiot” and I would appreciate it if you would be very careful not to talk like that here either.”

Sometimes that take-charge attitude will have to kick in the minute they step through the door. If you have a pet, for example, who needs a little protection or a sleeping baby who needs to stay asleep, you want to make it clear right away what’s okay and what isn’t. Simply make it part of the greeting, “Hi you guys! Welcome! Come on in. Oh, Brian, listen. I just want you to know that we have a dog and she doesn’t like to be bothered too much, so I’m going to ask you to leave her alone unless I’m with you. Okay?”

You know how to do this stuff. I know you do. It’s simply a matter of owning the fact that this is your house and you get to make the rules. So go for it! And if, at the end of the day, despite your best intentions and best efforts, those maniacs don’t get with the program, make sure that next time they want to come around you are very busy.