What You THINK Is What You Get

You probably believe that you know your child pretty well, right? Most parents take it for granted that when it comes to their kid, they know who he is, and what they can expect from him. But do you really? Are you sure?

Think for a minute: which words pop into your head when someone asks what he’s like? Write down the first four that come to mind. Are they primarily negative ones (selfish, a smart mouth, difficult, stubborn)? Or are they more on the positive side (funny, creative, hard-working, friendly)? Did any of them surprise you? Do you think they paint a fair picture?

If the words you thought of were negative, you might want to pay attention because the qualities that you mentally connect to your child, whether you verbalize them or not, become one of the most important predictors of his behavior. Becoming aware of what they are can make all the difference between raising a child who reaches for the stars or one who seems to give up before he’s even tried.

The reason is simple: how you look at him dictates both how you treat him and the expectations you set for him. And whatever it is you expect from him, he will be more than happy to comply with, be it good or bad. It’s a little scary, but you do have that kind of power.

I know this sounds a little wacky but there’s serious research to support it. In one landmark study done in the 1960′s, Rosenthal et al. went into an elementary school and set up an experiment to see whether a teacher’s expectations of her students abilities could actually affect their academic progress.

The students were given an intelligence test at the beginning of the year and the teachers were told that it could determine not only their I.Q., but also which kids would most likely make rapid, extraordinary progress in their schoolwork that year, regardless of how they had done in the past.

The teachers were given the names of the students who, the researchers said, had scored exceptionally high. But these students had really just been randomly picked from the class list.

At the end of the year the students were tested again. The ones who had been (falsely) identified as very bright at the beginning of the year  scored, on average, more than 12 I.Q. points higher than the rest of the class. In the lower grades, the results were even more dramatic – almost half of the “smart” first and second graders scored at least 20 points higher!

Pretty crazy, isn’t it? Just imagine how those results translate to your kid. If you think of him as uncooperative, for example, you will treat him that way. In a sense, you will be training him to be an uncooperative child. Pretty soon, he will think of himself as a person who doesn’t cooperate, and his behavior will follow.

You can’t really blame him for behaving according to the description of himself that he has been given. But what if you changed the way you identified him? What if you reframed “uncooperative” to “strong-willed,” or “bossy” to “assertive”? It changes everything doesn’t it? The results of the Rosenthal study show that the influence of your expectations can go both ways and be either beneficial or detrimental. It’s all about the label you assign.

That’s not to say that you just look the other way when your daughter is acting-out and being bossy. You don’t mentally tell yourself, “Oh, hmmm. I see that my daughter is bossing all the other kids around and has one of them in tears because she won’t play nicely unless she gets her way. What an assertive child I have. I’m so proud.”

Obviously not. She needs to know that her behavior is hurting others. She needs you to let her know that it is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

But it’s not the assertiveness that you want to get rid of, it’s the self-sabotaging way that it is being expressed that needs the boot. The bossiness needs to be brought to her attention and nipped in the bud. AND she needs to be shown how to use her hidden strengths (call them potential leadership abilities, assertiveness or whatever) to make a positive difference in her life.

It’s your expectation of what she is capable of that’s going to do the trick. You need to see her differently. You need to expect that she can do better. If you really believe it, and expect it, she will believe it too, and soon her behavior will start to match that belief.

The next thing to become aware of is what you are telling your kids about themselves day-in and day-out. Which behaviors do you pay most attention to? “You’re being rude, again.” “Stop the constant whining.” “This room is a mess. You’re such a slob.” Pointing these things out is important, as long as it’s done consciously without judgement, and with the expectation that they can change – rather than unconsciously, out of habit, and with an air of resignation.

It’s the same when it comes to eating behaviors. If you say things like,”Oh, no thank you. My daughter won’t drink milk (or eat vegetables)”, she will believe you. And guess what? She won’t.

The bottom line here is to watch your words and your thoughts when it comes to your children. They can quickly go from an idea in your head to a full-fledged reality in your life, in no time at all. And what you think will truly morph into what you get.