Comments on: TIMEOUT! How To Do It Right http://mamasoncall.com/2010/01/timeout-how-to-do-it-right/ A place where two professional mamas—one a pediatrician, one a family therapist—serve up timely, reliable parenting advice with humor and compassion. Sun, 29 Jan 2012 20:50:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: jonathan http://mamasoncall.com/2010/01/timeout-how-to-do-it-right/comment-page-1/#comment-452 jonathan Sun, 18 Apr 2010 03:53:03 +0000 http://mamasoncall.com/?p=7696#comment-452 I do not use time outs. The message they send is that you (little dear loved one) are not loved unconditionally. You are only loved so long as you obey standards which you do not understand and can't be expected to understand until later when your brain develops more. Otherwise, you're going to have to sit in that chair in the corner and feel shame or anger or frustration until the clock runs out. My wife and I have firm limits, we are not the least bit permissive. But we practice empathy, and little by little, we've nourished a deep connection with our son. We model the behavior we expect from him and, guess what?, he has learned from us everything he knows. He acts just like a 3 year old would be expected to act. But he knows that when he is defiant we will hold the limit (whatever it may be) and yet we'll listen and pay attention to his objections. This is often enough to make him "feel felt"--and he accepts that he won't get what he wants (to play more at bedtime, to bite his sister, etc.) but that we will always listen to his argument and hear his objections. And that we love him unconditionally. What this parenting requires is Time In! not time outs.... I do not use time outs. The message they send is that you (little dear loved one) are not loved unconditionally. You are only loved so long as you obey standards which you do not understand and can’t be expected to understand until later when your brain develops more. Otherwise, you’re going to have to sit in that chair in the corner and feel shame or anger or frustration until the clock runs out.

My wife and I have firm limits, we are not the least bit permissive. But we practice empathy, and little by little, we’ve nourished a deep connection with our son. We model the behavior we expect from him and, guess what?, he has learned from us everything he knows. He acts just like a 3 year old would be expected to act. But he knows that when he is defiant we will hold the limit (whatever it may be) and yet we’ll listen and pay attention to his objections. This is often enough to make him “feel felt”–and he accepts that he won’t get what he wants (to play more at bedtime, to bite his sister, etc.) but that we will always listen to his argument and hear his objections. And that we love him unconditionally.

What this parenting requires is Time In! not time outs….

]]> By: The Tone Of Your Voice Speaks Volumes http://mamasoncall.com/2010/01/timeout-how-to-do-it-right/comment-page-1/#comment-431 The Tone Of Your Voice Speaks Volumes Sat, 10 Apr 2010 18:37:36 +0000 http://mamasoncall.com/?p=7696#comment-431 [...] Stop, take a deep breath, get down to his level, look him in the eye and THEN say in your stern, serious “Mommy’s not happy” voice, “Andrew. I DO NOT like what you are doing right now. You may NOT hit your sister. Do you hear me? Do you understand? And if you do it again, you are going to have a time-out.” [...] [...] Stop, take a deep breath, get down to his level, look him in the eye and THEN say in your stern, serious “Mommy’s not happy” voice, “Andrew. I DO NOT like what you are doing right now. You may NOT hit your sister. Do you hear me? Do you understand? And if you do it again, you are going to have a time-out.” [...]

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