TIMEOUT! How To Do It Right

You’ve either used it, tried to use it, or been told you need to use it. Timeout is one of the most tried-and-true tools in the child discipline toolbox, but is it working for you? Are you using it right? Does it give you and your kiddo the results you want?

Let’s re-visit this old friend and see if we can give her a bit of a facelift.

Where? The timeout place is an important part of its success. It should be easily accessible and in view for monitoring. A special chair in the corner of the family room or dining room works well. If you can’t use it easily, you won’t use it.

For How Long? Less is more here. One minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb.  If a timeout gets too long it loses effectiveness. Kids have wonderful and creative imaginations that will take over before long and turn the timeout into an adventure. Think Where The Wild Things Are. Use a kitchen timer placed nearby (but out of arm’s reach) so both you and your kiddo know how much time is left. Consider an ‘added time rule’ for that short list of serious infractions.

For What? Be very specific about which behaviors will result in a time out. Define them in concrete terms. ‘If you bite your brother, you’ll need to sit in the timeout chair’. Don’t dangle it as a vague threat or a looming possibility. NEVER say stuff like ‘Be a good boy or you’ll find yourself in timeout’. Ix-nay.

How? It’s important to have a set routine and procedure for timeout that doesn’t vary.

It might begin with a statement like ‘You’re going to the timeout chair for (whatever the behavior was)‘. Try to say this without anger and with as little emotional charge as possible (not easy, takes practice). It’s a simple statement of irrefutable fact.

Set the timer and let the child know he’ll be in timeout until the bell rings. During that time he should not speak or communicate with you (or others in the household), nor you with him. Set other rules for the timeout period, if needed. If the timeout rules are broken the timer should be reset.

Make sure everyone in your home is onboard with the drill. Consistency is key. Timeout with dad should be the same. Ditto for the babysitter.

What If … ? Timeout is a useful technique, but it only works if your kiddo complies. Some of the craftiest little guys are quick to figure out how to sabotage efforts by refusing to sit in the chair, making noise, or otherwise defeating the purpose. It helps to begin the timeout system early on (by age 2 or 3) when indoctrination works best.  It will need to be replaced by more sophisticated techniques by about age 10.

The ‘challenging child’ may need a reward or withdrawal system to accompany timeout. Consider subtracting 30 seconds from the total time if your kidlet goes immediately to the timeout chair when told to. If he refuses, consider taking away privileges, like computer time or a favorite toy, until the timeout has been completed.

Timeout is an effective technique because it’s immediate, fast, and non-punitive.  It doesn’t shame your child and cuts down on lots of yelling and threats. It encourages kids to take responsibility for their behavior because the results are so obvious.

Remind your child frequently that you didn’t put him in timeout, he put himself in timeout. It’s like gravity. Cause and effect.

Is It Working? Keep a tally of timeouts and the behaviors that caused them so you’ll know if they’re decreasing. If not, take another look at your procedure. Is it consistent? Are the rules clear? Is it emotionally neutral? Are you or your kiddo getting some secondary gain that you hadn’t noticed?

Timeout can make a difference for your family if you work it right.